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"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."
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🥰 “The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."
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What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral.

The funeral has one less drunk.
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haha, i’ll use this on my next date:

🥰 “I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.”
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🙂 “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”
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😇 “The road to success is paved in coffee.”
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🙂🍋🍋🍋 “When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee.”
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🥰  “You’re brew-tiful.”
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🙂 “Doctors found traces of blood in my coffee stream.”
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🙂 “If you are not coffee, chocolate or bacon, I’m going to need you to go away.”
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🙂🌼 I’m a delight

…after my coffee.
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🙂 Keep calm
and

kiss a frog
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🙂 Keep calm
and

trust in pizza
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🙂 Freak out
and

cry a little
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🙂 Keep calm
and

¥££*<~!!!!**!!$&&!!!!!!
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🙂 Have a genius moment and make it work and say, “You can't teach that.”
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“There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but it helps if it’s dead first.”
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🙂 “If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.”
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🙂 brave one…

"He ain't afraid of hard work, he'll stand right next to it all day."
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🙂 quote from sendhelp:

"What can be done with paperwork can be undone by more paperwork."
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I actually had Jake from State farm call me today. Hahaha.

I should of asked him what he was wearing.
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“Marriage doesn’t make you live longer. It only seems longer.”
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"The secret to a long and happy marriage is not about tearing each other down, but tearing other people down together.”

🌸🌸😉🌸🌸
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Why did the divorced man cross the road? Restraining order.
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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? Zero the ex-wife got the house.
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You know, 50% of marriages fail, but divorce, divorce is forever!
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Whenever someone invites me over to their house
and there are more than a couple of cars outside,

I drive right on by
because it could be an intervention.
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I used to love long walks on the beach with my boyfriend.

Until the LSD wears off and I realized I am dragging a stolen mannequin
around the Denny's parking lot, and there are red and blue flashing lights 🚓
not fireworks. 🧨️🎇
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A burglar stole all my lamps. I should be upset but I am delighted.

A woman is watching a movie at the theater, when the people in front of start talking. She taps one on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, but I can't hear."
The person scowls and says, "I should hope not. This is a private conversation."

I would tell some jokes about circles but they're pointless
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I bought a new Ipad and named it Titanic. Now when I plug it in to my laptop, it says "Titanic is syncing".

Why did the duck fall in love with the dog?
Because it was pure bread.

My friend told me she started a new craft.
I asked, "Which craft"?
She was offended and turned me into a newt.
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