Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
Ok, so what is it that a care giver DOES wants to hear?
(6)
Report

"I don't want to be a burden." Then spend a little time planning your retirement and old age so that you aren't or have a little something in place. Feels like it reflects no desire to do this, but then make others feel guilty.
(12)
Report

I hear you!
I guess my biggest peeve is with some of my sweet Church pals. I love them dearly, but a LOT of them are "positive till you puke", with rose colored glasses... they say, "count your blessings"..."have an attitude of gratitude".
I honestly already know that I am blessed. Afterall... I actually prayed that my precious little Mom could come and live with me... but the fact is...some days are tough...and I am not superhuman. I get tired, frustrated, and lonely in the midst of it all.
When my Mom (*under my sole care), was diagnosed with lung cancer at 83...a friend from my church said, "God must have some really special, big, plans for you ladies to show His love to all thise people at the hospital!" Honestly...I felt like I'd been slapped.
People may mean well, in the end, but now, the first person I call-on when I am handed bad news...? The one that knows my heart, and will cry with me FIRST, and then try to cheer me on.
(14)
Report

"Babysitting". Using that to describe spending time with an older person is so degrading.
(6)
Report

You catch more bees with honey. Kindness gets better results.You should be part of the solution not part of the pollution! Excuse me???
Who's taking care of mom and what's her 14 years younger sister who lives 300 miles away lecturing me for?
(12)
Report

Phrase from husband with Parkinson's since 2002. "I never asked you to take care of me." But when he was still normal (mentally and physically), I tried to begin a plan for the future - as we both knew his neurological disease would progressively get worse.

He never specifically asked for me to take care of him, but he never set up a plan or wanted caregivers in the house. Maybe if I would have had some part-time help, I could have cared for him longer and been more of a wife to him - overseeing his care.

Caregiving generally starts out small with little things and progresses to doing everything. Initially, neither the patient or the caregiver realize it - until it is (almost) too late.
(9)
Report

My mother who has lived with me off/on for 20 years and for the last 3 was getting more feeble and had less cognitive functioning. She just came for the last holidays and stayed, and stayed and stayed. I've been trying to move on with my life - sale my house and start traveling. I just turned 60 and have worked for 40 years and need a break from work, care taking and being a single homeowner. Life is short. I kept dropping hints and asking her what her plan was. She never had one. She was just sitting alone in my house while I worked F/T. She fell several weeks ago and suffered a stroke (minor) but for 93 nothing that happens is minor. She has been in a SNF for the past 3 weeks and is getting much better but can never come home. I'm annoyed that the staff there made it sound like she was fine to come home. I finally asked - Well can she go to the bathroom by herself?"...the answer "no - she will need direction/assistance at all times!" I told her - really! Why would you think she can come home?? Yes they all want to come home. Anyway I'm enjoying being home alone for the first time in years. My mom and I have a contentious relationship and she's very difficult to please. I was trying to do the best I could for her but was becoming more resentful by the day. A guy at work recently and not out of malice went on and on about how his cousin would not put his mom in a facility because no one is going to take care of her like he would. I told him - well I can no longer care for her. it's time for the professionals to step in. I have other friends who never seem to want to listen to my frustrations. I hear - "Oh you are so lucky to still have your mom"....well maybe they had sweet as pie mothers - I DID NOT!
(13)
Report

I'm just going to say that you seem to be holding a good deal of anger in you to let things like this annoy you. Guessing you are still fairly young and haven't experienced the sorrow to come. Cherish your loved ones while you can. One day you look around you and everyone is gone.
(3)
Report

I understand your anger and frustration. I am caregiver for mom,84, who never was close to me. She says that phrase all the time because her two sons are estranged from the family and my sister is recovering from covid. She has dementia and really does not mean it like it sounds to me. My dad just passed in June so yes I am all she has. Hire as much help as you can. Make sure her needs are met. You physically do not have to do it all. Take a short trip and get a break.
I also care for my husbands aunt, 91, and she adores the rest of the family but again has more advanced dementia. I am doing what I can to oversee her care. In both cases we have hired sitters and mom/aunt stay in their own homes.
Neither made long term plans for themselves and feel so entitled. Its a hard pill to swallow.
(4)
Report

Read some of the comments - to those of you who have people telling you if you need anything, call. Do it. Call. Start the conversation off with - You said if I need something I could call. Here's what I need. Use it and use it often.

There's too many of us here who do NOT hear those words from anyone. We hear things like - you have no idea how much we appreciate what you're doing, you're a good daughter, etc. But, nothing about how they might be able to help.

Non-caregivers are not going to be on this site looking for answers because they have no problems to seek an answer for. BUT, in the event there is at least one that happens along this page, here's some advice: If you can't participate on a regular basis to provide that 'great daughter' some relief, then find a way to pay someone to provide some relief. If you aren't in the best of financial position, figure out a way to cut back on something to be able to do it. Get a credit card that is used for nothing but helping the caregiver to provide coverage for a week's vacation. Pay it off during the year and then use it again. Don't leave your sibling or family member out there on a limb all alone while you enjoy vacations, weekend outings, dining out every night. Too many of you post everything on social media and trust me, the caregiver is smart enough to figure out that big weekend you just enjoyed could have covered a few days of respite for them.
(9)
Report

I can’t stand, “I’m doing my part” from the siblings...mainly because they aren’t...
(6)
Report

How about from people who say "You cared and raised your children...why don't you care for your parent at home instead of putting them in a (fill in the blank: nursing home, assisted living, hospice, etc.)?"
(7)
Report

As an older person myself, I hate to hear "who is this beautiful young lady?" when a look in the mirror tells me I am neither. Or my husband being called "young man" even by his doctor. Also, "How are we feeling today?" I know how I feel, but not how you feel!
As my hubby's caregiver, I agree with all that has been said. I'm also guilty of saying "please call if there is anything I can do." Often these people say that because they mean it and have no idea how they can help. You could ask them to grocery shop for you, or for an hour a week to come sit with the person you care for. Do it immediately, and watch to see if their face turns to non-acceptance!
(8)
Report

I asked for more family support. This is what I got. One adult niece recently said to me that I owed it to my mother and am living for free. She was sure I was making some type of profit or spending mom's money freely. I thanked her for her useless opinion and I let my annoyance pass after a few days while contemplating whether or not to cut off this relationship. For now, I'm going to cut off communications.

One does not 'live for free' while providing 24/7 care or supervision. Walking the final path with someone can I see be monetized (around $7500 per medicare). One person should not provide 24/7 care which is why family support is necessary. Since there is none forthcoming, spending money for respite and what's needed is within my domain, as POA/daughter/primary caregiver. At least I have my supporters. My good friend reminded me 'it's priceless' and won't last forever. My son reminded me of my own advice. Don't spend any more energy on the negatives than is necessary to process it to work for your situation.
(6)
Report

Said to me by another relative:

"The best way for me to help you with Sally is to stay out of it."

OK - you're going to "help" me by not helping. And you're telling me about it point blank.

I realize she is not obligated, but just tell me you don't care and you're going to leave all decisions/care to me. At this point, I'd have a lot more respect for that as I am not obligated either.
(4)
Report

When my mom and dad moved into a senior building one of the neighbors said to my father “ let me know if I can help with anything” then he contacted her and she was unavailable. I think most people don’t expect you to really ask their just trying to be polite. My neighbor who is very nice said he would help with my parents I just smiled and thanked him. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it.
(6)
Report

"You worry too much. You have to learn to live one day at a time."

Yeah, you take care of someone with a chronic health condition and live that way, then let me know how that works out for you. If I wasn't constantly "worrying", there would be no medicine in the house, no equipment needed to keep the patient from falling, no appropriate food, no supplies, etc. Because for sure, the patient can't do all that for their self any more.
(5)
Report

"You didn't tell me"
(8)
Report

"They are so lucky to have you!" "Caregiving is a privilege"

Yes, they are lucky but because I don't have a spouse or children, I realize that as I age I will be on my own.

I love my parents, but I don't quite grasp how it is a privilege to clean up someone's poop and then be told that "you're an idiot" by that person (yes, I realize it's the dementia, it's still unpleasant).
(9)
Report

Yes, I agree with all of these, and can relate to the patronizing comments mentioned by sometimer. I'd like to add that when the "caregivee" says "I don't know what I'd do without you" one can suggest "well, there will probably come a time when I CAN'T do all this" [either because the elder's condition will worsen, or I will be having issues myself, or both] to get the other person thinking of this possibility. And if others compliment you on taking care of another person, you can also mention that the situation will need to change in the [near?] future. We can give others a not-so-subtle hint that this isn't going to be a life sentence!
(5)
Report

Those sweet lovely kind comments by the grateful M in L should have been valued and appreciated ! ! It angered me very much that such sensible and nice comments would be considered by both the recipient of thecommrnts and apparently by others to be in any way annoying and or offensive. How horrible! ! My sympathies to the M in L. I pray every day that i can remain strong and independent. I am 86 and I want to be very kind and appreciative if I ever am forced by disability, etc. to become helpless and dependent that I will be grateful and complimentary. If so, I hope my comments will be enjoyeable and not annoying.O, how horrible to live helpless, dependent, and as a burden to others.I dread becoming like that.I realize more and more how very precious freedom and the respect of peers really are.
(3)
Report

I do have long term care insurance. Also, I havepicked out my 2 favorite assisted living facilities an given their names and adressesto my son and to my doctors.Right now, my very ill daughter is receiving help from medicare. Also, I am paying for her grocery and medicine deliveries and her yard man. She has agreed to go into assisted living ifI become unable to help her.We all must do the best we can to take care of ourselves and of those we love.We do not need to live together in oder to help each other. I feel it is usually best to not try to live together. However, if and only if 2 people truly do love and respect each other, perhaps they coul happily live together.
(0)
Report

Short and sweet for me: "You're a saint". Can't stand it.
(6)
Report

"If you need help, please call me." However, this does not apply with mental decline; but still my idea.
(0)
Report

You are so lucky to have "free rent". 24/7 for 12 years with no respite caring for 2 parents who did not want you as a child. The rent was too expensive: stress, misc expenses, abuse, loss of income and savings, declining health, etc. Whenever I asked for help or a break, I was told I didn't need it. The last parent passed 6 months ago, and now I am trapped by the damn virus.

Oh, by the way, when the last senior died, I was finally given a surprise offer to help move out of the house before my Mother was even buried. They wanted me out of the house, for the looting. I told my greedy-gut sister that I was given enough money to stay in the house for a year while I make plans. I did not tell her the folks assigned the house and many of the accounts to me as survivor. They may not have loved me, but they knew I was dependable. I do miss my Mother and Father some, but not the thankless work of care-taking. Worse phrase to me is "you have free rent" or "you live rent-free".
(6)
Report

Imho, this reminds me SO much of my friend with her late disabled child (and she has 5 other kids). She really did not like to be called a "wonderwoman," but truth be told, she was because she was a caregiver to her child.
(1)
Report

Notgoodenough,
Maybe sometimes as caregivers we just need to be grateful for what little praise we get.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
I am in the unique position of caring for two different women.
I became my Aunts caregiver last October. It was never even on my radar, but it just is now.
Even with Alzheimer's, she expresses her thanks and gratitude for what I do. I am most grateful for this!!
I became responsible for my mother this last February. Polar opposite!! My Mom is a clinical narcissist. Nothing I do or say is good enough.
I feel like as caregivers, we give of ourselves because it's what we feel is right. After all, we have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror!
Please try to be Thankful for any praise that comes your way. It maybe far and few between. You're amazing for caring!! Never forget that!
If I had to choose one annoying phrase it is "God doesn't place any more on your shoulders than you can handle. "
Although I am a woman of faith and I know the words are meant to comfort me, right now it totally strikes every nerve in my body!!
Hang in there!
(3)
Report

Sometimes people say things because it comes from their heart and they just simply do not know what would be "appropriate" so they come up with what is usually said. Don't take offense. Be grateful if someone has something kind to say. People do NOT think ahead or out of the box. They say what is meant for the moment - and there is no harm in that. If it bothers you just ignore it. If you can't or don't want to be a caretaker, and not all people are suitable, do something else but don't be cruel if someone is saying something good that comes from their heart.
(4)
Report

I regularly get 4 am phone calls from my mother (and yes we are in the same time zone). They always start like this: "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry."
(2)
Report

All time #1: "So after the folks are gone, maybe you want to come take care of us??? Hahahahahahah ahahahahah!!!"

Yeah, no.
(4)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter