I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
It's snow-balled into something else. A test of wills in an extremely dysfunctional family.
Who's position seems to be " I support all the living expenses her. I need my down time. You womenfolk need to figure out the child and eldercare". And don't ask me to confront my mom."
Sil's position seems to be " I'll do almost anything I need to to keep my mom at home , don't make me confront her with her frailties".
( Absent BIL has not been in touch, he's had enough of his controlling, narcissistic mom)
we, a people pleaser like Dorker would like everyone to kiss and make up.
Ain't nobody talking to anybody else. Lots of he said/ she said/He meant/She meant.
Dorker, go back a couple of pages here to a plan I laid out, or a plan YOU make up.
Tell these idiots that if they put that in place, you'll help out and pull your weight IF EVERYONE ELSE DOES. DEMAND A FACE TO FACE MEETING WITH DH, SIL AND MIL. Tell them all you love them, but there needs to be a PLAN! Not a catch as catch can.
It just gets me riled up when other people, whether they are their husband or neighbor or whoever, think that a woman should always be the one to acquiesce.
Maybe I'm' really extremely obtuse .. but I don't see it that DD is really the villain in any of it. I think she merely was present when her dad (DH) was spouting off about "how dare Dorker be mad .. she stepped out of this .. who cares what she thinks about decisions made, she stepped out, she washed her hands of it .. she has no dog in this fight". She happened to be present and he asked of her, if she could step in and be a part of helping prop all this up.
She loves her g'mother (rightfully so, her g'mother has always been good to her). She did the thing she was raised to do, .. agree to be helpful. If she'd of refused and said to her dad, "No Dad I think you are your sister are both friggin idiots that need to sit the hell up and pay attention to what mom's been screaming at you both to listen to and no .. I won't help until you do that". I'd of applauded her............. but .............. that puts her firmly entrenched into a show she has no pony in.
I think, .. for her ... I'm not angry with her, and don't fault her .. (maybe I'm really dense). For her, it's a matter, this is a g'ma she loves (and rightfully so) .. and .. the g'mother even though she's bat chit crazy .. as DD put it .. wants with all her might, to stay in her home .. and even though all know that's not the best solution .. they are going to try to make allowance for same .. and in the knowing of that, it's evident support will be needed ..
And here's her dad .. ranting that Dorker has no right to have any voice at all, displeased or otherwise .. she washed her hands of it .. she's not helping anymore, so she needs to just sit over there and keep her trap shut (not his words, I'm paraphrasing) .. and so she gets this presented in her presence .. and then thrown out there, "Daughter can you be available to step in some, to help". She answers, "yes of course, I'll do what I can/when I can".
I really would've been more shocked if she'd of responded any other way. And again, remember she hasn't walked this 100 miles I have in these shoes. Easy for her to say, "sure, I'll help".
But then, I'm guessing DH then imparts to his sister .. who knows ... in a kind of nanny nanny boo boo manner .. "Well Dorker is out of it all, she is no part of helping but between me and daughter, we'll step up and help". And so SIL .. in the knowledge that DD is now on the forefront signed on to "help" I guess .. is in touch with DD more than would normally be the case.
Maybe in that frame of reference, yes it gets mentioned that Dorker sure was needed in all this, sure wish we had her, she was a force to be reckoned with when she was on the front of it all, .. sure miss her presence . and there you have it, the dialogue begins .. as to what is DD's knowledge of the wherefore's and why's of Dorker's stance in it all. And DD does know the wherefore's and why's, and it sounds like she imparted that knowledge to SIL with encouragement, (repeated encouragement sounds like, hounding almost) to urge SIL to reach out to Dorker, in a phone call and talk to her, and provide for Dorker the clarity that makes sense in her world, the boundaries, the order/organization .. that makes a difference in Dorker's world.
SIL has yet to do so.
I think further, DD is one of watching relationships here that were formerly close, and in her simplistic view of what she hasn't' walked a mile in herself .. it's all a matter of "can't we just kiss and makeup"
From what I gather talking to her, .. it sounds as if, her mind's eye view of it all, .. she just wishes that this situation not rip apart what used to be a family that was close to one another .. she wishes that .. her grandmother who is aging and waning in years .. have some peace in her final days on earth .. peace of heart .. and she wishes for all that there be some sit down and dialogue and come to Jesus as to what the points of contention are, and move past it all .. she wishes that her mother not completely ignore this old woman (as her mother, Dorker, is guilty of doing the last several months) .. that is just sad to her, that her mom, Dorker, would just not even call the old woman and check in, not to ask what she can do as to hopping in the car to meet need, but just call her .. just let her know she's in your thoughts mom .. that's not too hard to do.
And she's right .. that much I can and will do, ... once SIL is gone. I don't care to run past the gate keeper to get to MIL .. they can have that show.
DD .. it was really kinda telling. She herself, saying ... "yea so SIL is trying to line up some transport service ...???.......to get MIl to and fro doc appointments... but that doesn't answer to the dog's needs .. but this transport thing ....???....whatever that is, she was talking about, .......... yea/no ............... don't see g'ma doing that .. not one bit .. she isn't gonna be getting in the car to go with somebody she doesn't know, to a doc appointment, not gonna happen, I know her".
I said to DD, "you and me both .. she is saying whatever she needs to say to her neurotic daughter to get her daughter on that plane and outta here .. and when her daughter is gone, she'll do just as she damn well pleases .. as she always does".
And DD with: "Yea and the outpatient PT she has lined up for her, that's gonna go too, as soon as SIL is on that plane outta here, she'll fire them, she always does".
I think DD finds fault with me .. for being pushed around by SIL, as to the numerous rabbit holes and wild goose chases and she knows the particulars of each. She said, .. were it her on the receiving end, she'd of just said no .. no explanation just no .. she isn't going to be doing that .. and that sounds like a great thing for her to look into on her next trip this way and she'd of not answered to it anymore. I think, from the sounds of it, DD finds fault in me, for falling into rabbit holes and wild goose chases that I then bitch about having chased my tail around my backside in answer to SIL's many device/potion/lotion/gadgets/wonderments and more. That's your own fault ma, she'd say.
But fortunately I suppose, maybe because I'm just at the root of it all, not real bright .. maybe .. I don't see it that DD is somehow ganged up with the 3 of them, against me.
Unbelievable.
So you have the time to take care of their mother and because you don’t have a FT job, that “job” is yours by default.
Because you don’t choose to remain in that dysfunctional trio, it’s your fault.
How selfish of all of them to ignore you, any input you have, not to attempt to include you in any discussion, recognize your concerns that you have, nor appreciate the hard work you’ve already done!
How selfish that you weren’t willing to suffer in your home when the hurricane cane, that you actually went to your car for an air conditioning break! While DH was out tending to strangers, whether they were his church members or not.
How DH can shirk his responsibilities to his mother by taking weekends away hunting and tending to things that alleviate his stress from being self employed - don’t you know he is ALLOWED to do those things and you the wife do not get to choose those things for your own mental health when for 15 years you’ve dealt with episodes that have pushed your patience to the max?
Please.
So in essence this is all your fault and you should just put up or shut up, as far as they are concerned.
And now you are to blame because no one listened to your requests for the news to plan ahead because you cannot do it anymore?
I might pack my bags and go see my mother for the weekend if I were you. I’d be so upset I would need to get away.
I am so sorry that you are in this crappy situation.
I would, however, not waiver from standing up for feeling the way you do.
Either way at this point there will be hard feelings- whether you step back in or not. Now everything will be your fault going forward - if you say “ok” and MIL still is alone at her home at falls and hurts herself tending to her dog, or whether you continue to decline to bear the burden of THEIR mother’s care all on your own.
Their true colors could not be more clear. No regards for you at all! So what,have they been talking about you behind your back?
And your husband is a willing to partner with them against his wife? Goodness. How hurt and angry you must feel.
My guess is if DH was retired he STILL would not do anymore than he is now. It’s all too time consuming and requires the patience of a Saint.
Has DDs Post Partum Depression, or something similar cleared up? If not, IMO, this mess is the last thing she needs to get herself tangled up in.
In order for my world to make sense to me, and be something I enjoy daily .. I need order or some semblance thereof. I realize .. life is like that, you can't plan for every possible thing that crops up on the radar needing attention. That's my world too, .. and I have to change gears .. as to what's going on, on my radar, much less with MIL's and her dog too.
Look an interesting point in all of this. SIL let it go, long ago. But forever, she harped and harped .. mostly at me, to get word to DH .. me as conduit. She'd like a set up whereby maybe DH sets aside one day .. be that a Saturday or a Sunday or whatever, that he is, without fail, in service to his mom. Maybe the mom doesn't need anything on that given day and he just visits, .. or maybe she needs 3 or 4 different things addressed.
Way back when, when that was a hot issue .. I too, thought that a splendid plan and tried to lean into it with DH. Got nowhere. Kinda an argumentative/defensive almost response from him. "I can't set anything in stone .. that's not how my world works .. I go .. if she needs something I go .. I always do .. as quick as I can get there, but to say and carve it in stone, that without fail .. I will be there every given "x" day of the week, I can't do that, not doing that".
That went on .. for quite a while and his response almost defensive/argumentative ech time it was presented. It finally got dropped.
As someone else here said, .. if his life is such that flying by the seat of his pants is what works for him, so be it. It got dropped.
That doesn't work for me, in my world. I don't function well that way .. in any aspect of my life. Even DD .. as we discussed some of that, agreed with that as a character trait about me, .. don't spring anything on mom, last minute, it usually won't go well, she needs a plan . some organization to it all, she's a planner. Very true of me. Through and through.
I guess, .. if DH were to join in this whole long post (he's not going to) .. his take on the whole thing would be, "there's no way you can set in stone .. what may or may not occur and plan for every eventuality .. life doesn't work that way .. my world doesn't work that way". That'd be his take on it.
As I told DD yesterday in conversation as I was discussing with her, .. that I'd said need is increasing and no one wants to step up and speak to it. Say it gets laid out that the dog is DD's responsibility .. the dog gets sick, .. well dog .. that falls under DD who has said she'd step up .. so DD then has to figure a way into her life to now get the dog to the vet. Say the dog is DD's responsibility in all this ... DD knows that every other Saturday it's her responsibility to get the dog to the groomer .. and get that chore done. Maybe DD shares that with her dad in that her dad knows that every other Saturday he washes the dog .... maybe DD is in charge of picking up the God Forsaken confounded treats and the dog foods to deliver to Queen Narcissa.
That .. makes some sense to me, rather than what has been the case previous. No order whatsoever. It's just the dog food is in at the specialty vet, can you go get it .. and those treats are in at the other vet, an you go get them .. and .. the dog doesn't feel good and she isn't up to getting to the vet, can you take some time and go get the dog at her house and go to the vet with him . and .. the dog is in need of grooming .. looks horrible .. and ... she can't seem to get it done, can you do you have time.
All while, . I was also the one who had run out to her .. supplies because she is now sick to her stomach and needing BRAT diet foods .. and I'm the one that had sat with her, to make sure she is taking sustenance .. and antibiotics .. and I'm the one that took her to the doctor two days ago .. for one of her numerous doc visits .. and then took her to lunch and then ran by the pharmacy to pick up her drugs, and stopped by the grocery to pick up things she's out of .. and on and on it goes .. and then to get a phone call of problems (see above) as to pet need .. all of it willy-nilly .. no order/organization whatsoever.
YES a person is going to get over-taxed and I DID .. badly.
All I can say is thank the heavens above for this space to rant/vent .. because .. it is saving my sanity entirely. The very people that need to hear all these things .. they won't "hear" it. I can say it all .. time and time again .. might as well save my words, .. they fall on deaf ears .. consistently.
On another note, .. I think that's about 9/10ths of MY PROBLEM in all this. I do have a keen ability at objectivity. I can see where DD and her naivety and simplistic view of "can't we all just get along" is originated. I do see it. She hasn't walked a mile in my shoes. She may feel differently in several months when SIL has been in her ear repeatedly on wild goose chases and rabbit holes and whatnot. But for right now, she hasn't lived it/breathed it/walked it the way I did.
She saw it, .. she was around .. but different, living it.
DD however, .. maybe more like her dad than myself .. far more no nonsense than I've ever been able to pull.
In talking with her, describing how her dad's response to it all, "Well I'll just have to step up more", but then repeatedly ignores texts from his sister .. until sister then texts me. And that results in my then approaching DH that his sister has been trying to get him and get blasted for it. Describing that to DD.
She said .. "so when she texts you w/the whole *I've been trying to get brother for two days and haven't heard from him do you know if he got my text about ....................", .. so answer her with, "I'll pass word you're trying to get him". I describe to her how relentless she is, .. "oh okay .. well I just want to know if he has the time to go and do blah blah blah and look at so and so, .. do you know if he has any time to take care of that". I would generally then answer to her, in the olden days .. "I don't know, but I will try to get his attention to the matter" .. and then she'd leave it be. I'd ask of her dad, "hey your sister needs to talk to you about blah blah blah and so and so, .. says she's been trying to get you for two days". I would get blasted ... "I know . I saw her text .. she's just gonna have to wait". Me: "Ok, have you told her that?". Him: "No, .. I'll text her back .. I'll talk to her, but I don't need you in my azz over it". Then fast forward two days later, another text from SIL. "Did you ever ask brother if he saw my texts about blah blah and so and so, I never head from him, did you tell him that we need him to see about XYZ .. did he say when/if he might have some time to do that?".
DD's view of above is rather simplistic in her answer, "You don't engage .. you just tell her you told him and no you don't know". She asked me, "she knows you have a land line, why doesn't she call the home phone .. she knows where he lays his head at night to sleep .. she can call the landline and use that if she needs to talk to him".
Me: PRECISELY
DD and her views .. it's all so simple.
DD however, . given that same set of circumstances .. she would likely blast back at her dad .. as I've done .. but she doesn't wear it emotionally ... as I do. She would likely remind him a couple of times, and his failure to address it .. would then cause blowback from her, to get on it, so that his sister will get out of HER AZZ. But she doesn't live with him, I do.
Her simplistic naive views, "can't we just all kiss and makeup".
Yes, ............ I no longer give a rat's butt that their decision is to leave MIL in her home. I don't care anymore. It's reckless and irresponsible, but they are all adults, and free to chose to be reckless and irresponsible, and I have no say so there. They have no beef with me about that.
Where my beef is (and I told DD this) is the loose ends that hang in lack of any plan for contingencies that occur and how that impacts my world .. in DH's failure to be able to (or want to, in some cases) address whatever that contingency might be and then it land in my lap with the whole CHRISSAKES mentality. THERE IS WHERE MY PROBLEM LIES.
AND .............
Failure on both their parts to address it, in any way/shape/form . in spite of all my efforts to get that to the radar screen.
I'm just sick of it all, I mean really really just puke sick of it.
It occurred to me this morning out of nowhere. The story from across the street here. Aged woman that lived there, spry old lady (now deceased), forever out working in her yard. Had 3 daughters and a son (son didn't live local, daughters do). She began to be in failing health and decisions had to be made as to her care. One daughter that lives local.... stood on firm ground, would not budge, not one iota .. that she would take old woman in and care for her. Fallout came when 2 other sisters (I don't guess the out of town son had a dog in this show) .. 2 other sisters wouldn't then step up and offer respite to the daughter firm in her stance that she'd hear of nothing short of taking mother in to care for her. I guess that specific sister made the decision that's how mother should be cared for, under her watchful eye .. and then I suppose wanted the other 2 sisters that live local stepping and fetching . ... or respite ... or whatever the case may be, and their failure to satisfy that whim .. then caused a rift that to this day has never repaired. The sisters do not speak any longer.
Isn't this all about the same thing.
DD lamenting that story from across the street, which occurred years back. That the sister that agreed to take her in, .. she should've clarified what help would be available and if the other two sisters weren't on board for that, and wanted the mom placed .. rather than in home care, and not on board for stepping up to help .. then so be it, it's on the sister that took her in, to do the bulk of the work, it was her "want" .. and for her to then get upset and not speak to her sisters furthermore as a result .. not fair.
Same damn thing going on here. DH's sister makes a command decision that she will leave MIL in her home. No contingency in place as to the many variables that crop up . and then they wanna point fingers at me .. as to the stepping off, all the while DH himself routinely ignores that need that crops up .. but all .. yea .. go ahead and get angry with me. I'm not even an offspring here.
Expressing the above to DD. Her responses were along the lines of, .. "well .. in your case, I can tell you dad's sentiments are along the lines of .. .he works his azz off .. hard work, long hours/long days .. and you don't .. and "YOU DO HAVE TIME" to help .. he doesn't".
Told her, she's right............. he does work damn hard .. and long days .. and hard work .. I don't dispute that .. and I DO HAVE MORE TIME than he does to deal with it .. BUT ... with condition .. and that is where the disconnect lies in it all. I am not at their will, their beckon call, I have a life of my own, and my own wants for how my daily life should look and feel and I'm entitled to that, .. and I've not been able, in spite of my best efforts to the contrary, to get anyone on the page to look at any of that. To me, .. it feels like, it's just a matter "well she doesn't work outside the home .. so she should be the one where this garbage heap of stuff/minutia gets dumped". Wrong assumption on the parts of all involved.
It would be very telling .. were I able to have a civil discussion (can't . as was said by someone earlier, it's evident he just wants to argue, short of doing as he damn well pleases and stepping in his stead and doing it all) ... if I could have a civil discussion with him on it, and say to him, "okay so what does it look like to you, my involvement in it all, there are hurt/angry feelings at my having stepped away from it all apparently .. so what does that look like to you .. ".
I guarantee the answer would lie somewhere in the arena of "Well I work my damn azz off here and I don't have the time to address what comes up, but you do .. so you do it .. you take care of what crops up".
WRONG.
It doesn't work that way .......... not when the need has increased and will continue to increase.
But .. I guess we all have this big gaping wide hole in it all now .. a fracture a mile wide that is so fixable .. but .. who knows where it goes from here.
Yes, .. I have no doubt there will be another hospitalization from lack of med management and/or a fall, or whatever, it's coming. And DH under the gun and unable to attend to said event .. and the pressure will be back in my corner to get to steppin and fetching .. and it isn't fair.
Therein lies the crux of it all, .. that DD wants to simplify and just smooth over with a "can't we just all get along".
She's right .. that it's wrong of me .. to have disconnected from MIL entirely and not even call her .. and I'm guilty as charged on that front, I don't call her .. I don't go over there ... and I will work to change some of that in the coming weeks .. but outside of that, there will be no change.
How about Dorker go on a well timed road trip to go visit a friend....I would be off like Thelma and Louise!!
I'm disgusted with the dog nonsense, too!
I’ve been following this saga also.
I think it’s very clear where everyone stands.
It’s sad your DD has been involved in this. If she wanted to volunteer some time to the situation that is her business but, by doing so she will be dragging you back in, by having you babysit. Your DD although an adult is being naive about the situation. By being involved in the inner workings and conversations of this mess she feels sympathy for everyone, even her Dad. So, she’s allowing herself to emotionally be pulled in WAY to many directions.
Unfortunately it is Caregiving dramas such as this that tear families apart.
It appears MIL acted as if she was on board to fly back with SIL at least up to the point the Service/Support Dog Certificate was prepared. Seems MIL put the brakes on that plan recently. So the drama begins.
You do seem to understand that by placing one toe back into this pool it will be never ending tasks for you...daily.
DD asks why you don’t communicate with MIL and SIL. Simple. There is no way to do that without being passively manipulated into being the go to girl...AGAIN.
I’m sure MIL felt uncomfortable/unwelcome after the hurricane. It’s a miserable situation for everyone. Everyone is cranky, short tempered, biting their tongue. Tense doesn’t even begin to describe the living conditions.
I sympathize with your attempt to communicate with DH. I have been accused of “over analyzing” things. I don’t like loose ends either. If DH wants to fly by the seat of his pants that’s his choice. Trying to change his mind seems futile.
The only loose end I see that you have at this point is SILs texting. I would attempt a lunch or coffee with her, date made by phone not text. Explain to her then that you simply can not stop your life as SIL has done for the last 4 months to attend to MIL. You haven’t the Patience and you can’t be asked to be responsible. Explain that you WILL NOT be the answering service for DH. That when you deliver her messages he blows up and you catch the fallout.
You can be sympathetic to their problem without getting dragged back in.
No one can force MIL to comply with anything. This is DHs and SILs problem. The further removed you can keep yourself the better.
1) you HAVE reached out over and over to SIL to discuss face to face, MIL's needs and try to come up with a long term plan. SIL has chosen not to do this.
2) for 15 years you have been the glue holding all of this together and it got to be TOO MUCH for one person.
3) your DH has hunted and churched and worked and avoided helping his mom
4) your stepping back is warranted - they don't acknowledge your needs or your opinions, you can no longer shoulder it all, and it isn't the right choice - apparently no one feels they should stay with MIL over night when SIL leaves - and she'll be getting up to let poochie out or go to the bathroom herself - in the dark and a little sleepy - fall risk!!!!!!!!!
5) Yes call and chat with MIL when SIL leaves and if she asks - be honest with her. "Your remaining in your house depends on an army of support and i can no longer do that". Based on how your family does not communicate directly (you are hearing about "hurt" feelings through others) - she'll likely tell SIL and DH that you were "ugly" to her
6) I'm angry on your behalf. You have stepped out of it all. Your MIL and SIL who should care for you have not called to ask you about it. they just are "hurt" which tells me they still see you as needing to give and they are allowed to take. One way. Should be two way.
7) your MIL is passive - aggressive, she huffily refuses all invites because she was "hurt" during the huricane - o for chrissakes!!!! - what a narcissistic old battle axe - it is all about her and that damn incontinent yappy pooch of hers
Your DD will start to experience the ridiculous in all of this and if she gets on your case - simply remind her "i've done this for 15 years and you for x months - don't get on my case. Talk to your dad and aunt who want to keep MIL at home".
This is going to get harder for you as DD and DH seem to be expressing anger at you for being unfeeling and bowing out. They are all taking advantage of you.
stay strong. It won't be long after SIL leaves that MIL will fall and be hospitalized.
Have any of the players here even wondered why you drew back???? Instead of focusing on why MIL doesnt come over anymore. Unbelievable.
Hang in there....hope you find some peace for yourself today.
Synopsis of the conversation:
She is in touch with SIL (nothing new, there is a relationship there). But I guess, .. since DH spouted off that his wife (me) is over the top, unapproachable, angry with this newest turn of events and asked/solicited her help going forward and she agreed to same, she is now .. in the loop .... I suppose ..as to upcoming need, etc. Thus, in touch with SIL.
Also part of conversation with DD. I think her basis (DD's), at least with me, is that these are relationships that were years in the making .. and all of us at one time, close .. and she hates seeing relationships destroyed over it all.
Further, her imparting that she did offer to "help" as any one of the human species would do .. but that she knows, .. as well as anyone else with 1/2 a brain ... she can do some ... and will do some .. but she can't do it all.
Her imploring me to reach out to SIL and to MIL who are both hurt .. her saying, "You're hurt, they're hurt, .. and these are all relationships that were once close and for decades". Yadda yadda.
She agrees there was far too much take on their parts, and too much give on my part for far too long .. them taking and taking and no give on their parts as to the fact this is an aging old lady and need increasing .. and their failure to note that .. and act accordingly.
She says of it all, "Mom I agree that she doesn't need to live alone .. dad agrees .. we all do .. but what are you going to do, you can't tie her up and make her go against her will".
As I told DD: "I've got that DD, .. I don't agree with that approach .. but it's not my decision to make .... and I realize that .. and so .. if that's the decision they all want to make, then good .. they can do so .. and live with the consequences of the 15 ton locomotive heading right at the whole thing ... got it, brain wrapped around it firmly, not my decision. My problem comes in the fact that SIL goes away .. leaving MIL here to twist in the wind ... and the daily minutia of all the things that go on, unanswered to, who speaks to the numerous incidentals that continually crop up .. your dad can't do it, .. in some cases he could and chooses not to, but in a lot of cases ... he simply can't see to the need that arises .. that puts it squarely back on me, and when I ask for what I need in it all, it gets ignored and/or dispensed with .. and sometimes with indifference, but more often anger, and that isn't fair to me, this isn't my mother, my day is coming with my own mother and I won't have anyone else to aim at, for the help I've provided in it all, for years.
DD to me: "Mom she won't be around a whole lot longer more than likely and do you want her waning years ... whatever time she has left ... and this mother in law that has been good to you, and good to us grandkids .. do you want this tumultuous demeanor hanging in the air ... can't you just reach out in love .. she's been good to you all the years you and dad have been married .. she's a good person .. she simply wants .. what we all know is hair brained and crazy .. to stay in her home .. we all know .. it's stupid and assinine and makes no sense .. and we all know she's bat chit crazy ... but .. they want to honor what it is their mom wants if they possibly can and not make her last years unhappy .. if they can ... ".
Her telling me that my approach to it all, to her, seems mean spirited and maybe controlling, that my approach to it all, seems to her .. to feel a little like, I am stating, "It's my way or the highway".
I explained to her, (and she's well aware of it, she lived it, watched it thru the years). Look your g'ma's needs were increasing .. she's getting more and more older, and more feeble ... as is her aging dog which she'll hear nothing of but her way or the highway with that situation. I spoke up.. and said that we need to engage some add'l help here .. told MIL that ..
MIL's response was that she wouldn't answer the door if I send those church people around to help .. and to leave her neighbors alone .. don't bother them, .. that she'd manage .. she knows what she needs to do and she'll do it.
But you and I both know, she does not .. "MANAGE".
And so you appeal to her son .. and that gets met with, "She's just so fiercely independent, . .. we'll all just do the best we can".
Translation - I'll pass the buck when the water hits the wheel and get angry and pizzy with your mom when she won't step to it.
I appeal to SIL .. and the response is one of "She's just so stubborn, I don't know what to do with her".
Telling all this to DD ...
Her response to the above: "I agree with you mom, there was too much take on their parts, far too long .. I lived it right there with ya, seen it, got the tee shirt ... and that's wrong of them ... and they need to be called on it ... and there needs to be a meeting of the minds on all this .. relationships are being destroyed over it, and it's all so unnecessary .. they are hurt .... you have always been an integral part of the whole thing .. and your absence is felt .. greatly .. they need you .. I just hate to see what were good relationships destroyed over it all.
Me: "DD I have tried, countless times, I've reached out .. let's sit down face-to-face and talk thru some of these grievances and contingencies .. I've tried to get the two of them to sit face to face and talk thru some of it, it never happens ... My only take away then is one of .. they don't give a rat's patoot what my opinions/wishes/wants are in a setting that is increasingly needy and time consuming, between MIL and her aging dog .. and if they don't care how I feel about it, . then they can do it themselves, their way on their own.
She understands my plight with it all, and says that she has imparted some of this in conversation with SIL .. that her mom is one who doesn't fly by the seat of her pants (me) and needs order and organization and clarity and boundaries .. and that anything short of that, is gonna fall flat with her mom . and that she herself (SIL) needs to pick up the phone to talk with Dorker and see what can be done as to any meeting of the minds on it all .. but that SIL has yet to call me and to her, (DD) this is distressing .. I hear from them that they are hurt/angry .. and yet I implore that she do what she can to mend the bride here, and she does nothing.
As I told her, .. "Ive asked the same thing, countless times ... as I said before, my take away is .. as long as ole Dorker will step to the beat of the ever increasing need drums .. then all is well ... that's all I can take away from it .. because there is an absolute failure on the part of your dad as well as your aunt (SIL) to address any of my grievances in it all .. they don't give it any credence at all".
She agrees .. and finds fault and says that she is staying after SIL with a vengeance, to get with her mom .. and provide for her mom some of that clarity her mom needs .. and provide for her mom, some of the answers and organization that her mom needs.
As I told DD, .. "ya know, when I say to all parties involved .. the need is increasing here, between aging ailing MIL and her aging ailing dog .. and we need to involve 3rd parties here .. and it gets met with flat out refusal on MIL's part, and absolutely zero interest from her off spring as to any persuasion to the contrary on behalf of their needy mom .. then ... the only thing I can do is step away from it all, and let them have at it, their way .. their mom".
DD: "Yes I see what you're saying .. and I agree there needs to be some understanding on the parts of all parties involved and that isn't there, even though you've tried .. but I just hate to see long term relationships destroyed over all this, .. I know that they feel like they are doing what they can to honor their mom's wishes .. hairbrained and stupid they may be... they want her waning years to be happy as it can be .. and they don't want her to be miserable .. uprooted to some other setting, if at all possible .. they know .. both of them, it's stupid .. she doesn't need to live alone ... but ma .. SIL has been living with her for four months .. she knows .. better than any of us what her capabilities are and aren't".
My response to that: "As I have said countless times, .. SIL gets no real feel for what MIL's capabilities are and aren't in staying with her, when she does every .. absolutely every living breathing thing FOR HER MOTHER when she's present .. you know that".
DD: "Agreed, but it's their mom .. and their decision".
Me: "I agree .. no argument from me .. they can make that decision and my input there is absolutely negligible .. got it .. nothing from me on that corner .. but if you expect my help in any of it .. and apparently there is hurt/anger that I have stepped away from helping in it all, .. then by damn sit up and take notice of the person who is, in SIL's absence here .. boots on the ground, in real time .. person who is doing it .. and don't discard/dispense and worse, treat with anger and anomosity and indifference .. any suggestion made from this corner .. from me, short of just get up and hot to the beat dorker .. because it's not gonna happen that way .. that's not how I'm made .. and I'm not going to do it anymore, the need increasing .. and I've said so ..and in countless ways .. pointed out the stupid rabbit holes and wild goose chases that were unnecessary in it all . and no one listens ... I've pointed out that add'l help is needed, it gets ignored and treated with indifference, and anger .. and so .. I step off .. step out .. you guys have it, your mom ..
Now of course, the fall out from it all, .. the hurt/anger and relationships being destroyed.
DD one of .. "well I am doing my part to see if I can't get SIL to reach out and mend some of that bridge .. but thus far she hasn't done so and that is disturbing to me ... I'm going to stay after her, like white on rice, .. relentless .. I'm not letting up. BUT YOU MOM .. you .. are wrong to have completely disconnected from MIL .. you don't call her anymore, you dont' go over there, you two used to be thick as thieves .. you and MIL .. and now you don't even call her anymore to check on her, that is hurtful to her .. and you are wrong to do her that way".
My answer that one: Guilty as charged, no I don't call upon her anymore, and check in with her, she has her daughter there, her gate keeper and running the show .. her daughter can have it, but I promise you I will call her once her daughter leaves and returns to IL .. and I will check in with her, .. periodically .. but I won't be doing anything concrete in the way of stepping into it all, but I can yes .. I can call her and check in on occasion and I will.
DD: "And you gotta get past this whole hurricane thing that went on back in the fall, MIL with her hurt feelings over that .. you gotta get past all that".
That was all new to me, have no idea what that's about and asked her, and shes said she doesn't know the details she just knows that is now the answer to why MIL now declines any invite here, .. that she was hurt at how she was treated during that time (I presume, her stay here during the shelter from the hurricane) .. and that her feelings were hurt and so she felt unwelcome here and so she doesn't come here anymore as a result, when invited.
News to me. She probably did feel unwelcome, I wasn't bending over b'wards to accommodate her here .. my feeling at that time, that it's too hard to weather these things for a feeble old woman and the caregiver (me) .. responsible party here (me) .. not coping well myself, loud generator going, .. no a/c, no power .. it's hot and muggy and it's like camping .. and now you have this feeble old woman who can't really help herself . and be self responsible .. and her dog .. under foot when you are already aggravated .. and I said so .. in the beginning and urged all parties involved that she needs to be on a plane out of here .. before hurricane season begins.
Explaining all that to DD (DD evacuated, wasn't here in town) .. and that I did the best I could with difficult circumstances, and yes, left quite often to go sit in my car, to charge my phone and turn on the a/c in my car .. so no I wasn't right here at her elbow to be to her service .. and so she probably did feel hurt .. but .. again .. that was after I bowed out of all this and the fact that a hurricane now bears down upon us, doesn't then make me step into the fray again.
That .. the way that all played out .. was the result of the choices they all continue to make .. she wants to remain in her home, here locally .. but the contingencies that arise that no one even wants to address .. leave things loose ends .. and I don't do loose ends real well .. you know me.
Long and short of it all, .. DD would like to see that all parties be mature and responsible and come to the table with love for one another/kindness and understanding on the parts of all involved and that relationships not be destroyed and that her grandmother's waning years not be filled with hurt ..
So ..
Where it goes from here, is not my call.
Let DH sort it out after SIL leaves. It’s his mother (this has been stated ad nauseum) but it is the truth.
This is not over. I am afraid the worst is yet to come, unfortunately. It’s very sad to see relationships being tested over this, especially marriages.
DH is wilfully misunderstanding you, here.
It is *because* you care about MIL that you are refusing to contribute to a situation that has become unsafe. If he really cared about her, so would he.
You want the fight stopped. See if he'll get that.
I stand by my post Dorker, when SIL leaves and MIL is crashing and burning call APS, this can be done anonymously. Don't even tell us. That is the sad reality she is facing.
Leave it alone with your husband. He has made it clear where he stands, let him stand there. He will be forced to face reality soon. Stop trying to make them see, let them experience and maybe that will open their eyes. Maybe not. Yelling and fussing about, this will happen and then what? Is only creating contention in your home. Men have to learn the way they learn and no amount of pressure from anyone will change that.
Block SIL number, don't be a via for her or whatever, your marriage is on rocky terrain because of all this, the things your husband has said would concern me that it may all be getting to much and something has to give, are you willing to be what goes? My husband for 20 years had a situation with his brother that created a heated fight until I decided that no more, he has to see it or not but I wasn't willing to loose my marriage over it. That's were it was heading and some of your posts sound all to familiar.
But then I guess you know that it's just an excuse that he can't plan to see his mother on a regular basis. He doesn't WANT to see his mother. He probably can't stand her slowness and dithering.
Yet YOU are expected to be patient and step and fetch for this ridiculous narcissist -- Queen Narcissa for sure!
I feel that there will be "mission creep" even if you just offered to be available for one day/week. Everyone else would bail on their promises (your H, your daughters), and you would be expected to step up and start fetching in their place.
So this woman who can hardly ambulate is going to once again be getting up multiple times a night for her dog? Sounds like lots of falling opportunities during the night.
I like the idea of your taking a trip out of town when SIL flies back to IL next month.
Seriously.
We ALL know what's going to happen. And when you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Simple, but true.
MIL needs FAR MORE CARE than one person can honestly provide. She is a nation unto herself in selfishness and neediness. It's only b/c of YOU, Dorker, that she is still even living. Nobody can argue that.
Sadly, we all are thinking the same thing: SIL will fly off home and will be returning within weeks b/c MIL is GOING to fall, forget her meds, whatever and will be back in the hospital. Should we start a pool to guess how long before that happens? 'Cause it's going to.
At that point (and it will happen) I'd leave town. Seriously, physically leave. Let SIL and DH figure it out. MIL needs more care. What she "wants" is simply not an issue any more.
It's so sad that you and DH are now fighting about all this. He KNOWS he should be steeping up and he..just..won't. My DH is much the same.
Like I said previously--I'd block SIL's texts and calls. Tell her you're doing it. Tell her you will not be a part of this slow suicide they've 'planned' for MIL. It's really beyond ridiculous. TELL her she can call/text DH and the two of them can formulate a plan (which you know they won't)..but you will not step back into the day to day care.
I also doubt YD will last a week. Your daughters are probably sick to death of hearing about MIL and her woes. And I am SURE that they saw your selfless service over the past 15 years, they seem like very bright women.
Your DH has some serious issues with his mom. So does your SIL. They'll never be solved in this life, sadly. The fact they can't even have a decent conversation about her care without falling to pieces is pretty telling.
sigh---just sending good vibes your way. This is unbelievable, really. All of this.
What I suggested saying to SIL was actually quite a lot ruder than that. I'm sure the moderators are right that there is no need for vulgarity, however.
And indeed, .. I do think there is some realization on the parts of all parties involved, .. that the messy ugly truth is that she hopes to go to that cloud in the sky from her home, not from her daughter's home, not from an institution of some sort, and that it an get really ugly before and/if. I think there is clarity on all parties' consciousness about that fact, .. and a risk they are signed on for.
Got it. Not what I think should be the approach, especially absent any real .. sit down face to face talking on it, but it's not my mom .. I don't have a horse in the show, I don't get to call the shots on what dialogue does or doesn't transpire. I got it. Clear as a bell.
So .. with all parties fully aware .. we're walking dead straight on into the 15 ton train heading right at us here ... we're all on that page .. got it. And we're all okay with it.
Then what of the other minutia that goes on in the interim ....
No real plans to address any of it. Nothing practical to address any of it.
MIL's legs begin to swell .. edema .. and the concern then being texted to DH .. which is being ignored by DH .. then it's landing in my corner, to get DH to sit up and notice texts forthcoming
MIL's dog needing attention ...
MIL feeling ill .. with a stomach ailment or sore throat
MIL needing so and so picked up and brought to her ...
On and on and on it goes.
Who is wrong here? Is it me, ... am I wrong to take the approach that I have which is one of .. okay got it .. you guys want to allow her that latitude, that's certainly your choice .. got it .............. but all the minutia that goes on, as to her daily existence, and her failure to manage meds and the fall out from that .. and the numerous other various needs that crop up ... DO NOT be looking in my direction to satisfy those whims .. it's certainly your prerogative to allow her what she wants ... I got it, .. wrapped my brain around it .... on board ...
BUT the day to day existence of someone who fails to manage on their own .. to me .. that's gonna look a whole lot messier than you guys are willing to wear ....
That's gonna look like to me anyway .. "gee, mom's legs are swelling again .. that edema .. yea that's gonna happen .. I guess .. it's gonna eventually go to cellulitis ... yea this has been a continual thing here .. I guess .. if it gets bad enough .. that transport service can get her to the doc .. perhaps .. where once again .. as has been done so many times the merry go round of explanation of why she has to take her diuretics will transpire and she will refuse .. and then she'll double up on them to rid the fluid .. and then she'll dehydrate .. then she'll fall, then rescue will be summoned .. and then she'll be re-hydrated at an outpatient ER .. and sent back home .. and ... who is gonna dutifully attend to all this.
So she gets rx'd some antibiotics now for the cellulitis and she also has to have the specialized probiotics that go along with an antibiotic .. and so that has to be retrieved ...
And who is going to attend to her, that she take the medication daily ....
Who does that fall to?
This is how it all goes, and no clear boundaries/definition in any of it, .. but the pendulum swings back to me ... in his "I"m on a project and I can't be there". And SIL goes back home, they leave her here, to manage on her own .. but yet the above and so many other variables crop up .... and the pendulum swings back to me.
Because MIL requires, among oh so many other things, daily medications management (see below), it will be only a short time before she falls and requires hospital admission. When discharge rolls around, you do not assist her discharge home. And you say as viciously as necessary to SIL "DON'T YOU DARE!"
Here is the reality of the medications management issue.
MIL is very tired. Getting to the bathroom is a slow and onerous process for her. When you are her age, with her health conditions, it just IS.
When she takes her diuretic as prescribed, she needs to get to the bathroom in a hurry. That is how it works. For her, this is both physically uncomfortable and fraught with humiliating disaster.
So she prefers not to take the diuretic.
So her fluid builds up.
So her heart function worsens.
So her brain and other organ functions all worsen.
So she is less able to get up and get to the bathroom, and less able to perform the mental tasks involved in remembering and taking her medication as prescribed.
And with decreasing mobility, and decreasing brain perfusion, she will fall.
To avoid this requires a time commitment of at least two hours per day. One person, whoever that might be, has to go to her house, hand her her tablets, ensure she has taken them, and attend her to and from the bathroom after the required time interval. If this is not done, she will be hospitalised within a month. Put money on it.
Now. The reason that it will not be you undertaking medications management is not that you don't care about MIL. It is that you rightly refuse to endorse, sanction, enable, assist, lend your approval to decisions which you believe to be inherently against MIL's welfare. And is there any other solution on the table? There is not.
It may be that DH is prepared to accept the consequence. It's a point of view, he's entitled. Is SIL? Is MIL? And if they all are - having FACED THIS SQUARELY, and not wriggled out of looking at it - then okay. So be it.
I think it was more the case that DH was spouting that Dorker has no right to get angry in any of it, she doesn't have a dog in this show .. she stepped off .. washed her hands of it, .. so her anger, and her unapproachableness .. and her (Dorker's) demeanor of hostility about it all, is unfounded, she's out ..
It sounds like DD does ... (I wasn't there to hear the conversation between DD and DH) .. does ascribe to that mentality as presented by DH ... your mom is out of it, washed her hands of it, so why is she so angry. Sounds like DD maybe did find some agreement in that sentiment in conversation with DH. Unfounded on her part, to agree to that. Perhaps .. but until you've walked a mile in my shoes .. it's easy to sit an arm chair QB on the whole thing .. she hasn't .. walked a mile in my shoes. And as CM put it, opinions are like ***holes, everyone's got one and usually they stink. I don't hold a whole lot of credence in any of that and her maybe agreeing with her dad. Don't care.
I do think that DD also sees, just in my conversations with her, and she has voiced that same sentiment to her aunt (SIL) that she doesn't think it's safe that MIL continue living alone .. I think she agrees with me on the topic. I think she also .. feels like her dad is so detached from it all, to the detriment of the whole situation and needs to step up more. She and I, (DD) have had these same conversations.
She has pointed to her step father in law as a great example. A man who .. care for his ailing father here locally .... on his own .. no help (there are step kids somewhere out there in the universe in that situation .. but there were not at all involved) .. that her step father in law here locally cared for his aging/ailing father .. stopping by there daily to bring a meal .. going each weekend to mow the dad's lawn .. taking him to various doc offices and procedures .. and all on his own .. with the help of his wife from time to time as schedules conflicted .. but mostly it was on him to do it, and he did so .. and in that case .. the old man .. he was a drunkard all of the step father in law's years growing up and somewhat abusive, .. yet the step father in law .. stepped up to the plate .. and did what he should, as to responsibility to an aging/ailing old man .. without any help at all from siblings.
Her point in bringing all that up was to point out that you do what you have to do ... you do what you SHOULD DO.
All in an effort to point out .. if anyone should've walked away and/or been *too busy* to be attentive to that situation .. he sure had the standing to do so .. but he didn't .. He works nights .. and so when he'd get off work at 1 PM daily .. his first stop would be to his dad's on the way home .. and any incidentals that needed answering to there, he'd pick up a dinner (Fortunately the old guy .. as well as the step father in law, .. their palate is such that Mickie D's and pizza and tacos .. sustain them) .. he'd grab a dinner from a drive thru for the ole fella .. and off he'd go to rest, to go to work again. He did it.
I asked DD when we were having this conversation, "how do you think step father in law would've handled it were he being directed from afar by other siblings as to the rabbit holes and wild goose chases and so forth".
Her answer, "He wouldn't of .. he'd of told them flat out, I'm the one here, boots on the ground .. and I'll do it my way, you want it done differently you know the address here, get to steppin".
She gave a great example that the ole fella at one time .. I guess, .. got it in his head that he needed a little laptop/notebook. Step father in law dutifully secured same and powered it up and delivered it to the ole fella. Then .. daily/hourly .. step father in law getting phone calls from the ole fella, "now what was the password, and how do I get to that page again .. and where was that, how do I get to that area". This went on for about 3 days until the step father in law arrived again at the ole fella's home ... took the notebook, told his old father, .. "you obviously can't manage this technology so I'll take this" .. and that was the end of that ... no qualms otherwise.
The whole point there being .. her reason for telling this story .... he was the sole person to do all the work of caring for this old guy in the end .. but he was also the sole person responsible for any other of the minutia that goes on .. no answering to siblings ... if it'd been SIL and that situation (and we did have that for the longest with MIL) .. she'd of been calling, bugging everyone here, to go out and see what we can do with the laptop to help MIl to be able to navigate it/understand it, etc etc. Which we did do .. all of us .. for a long while .. until .. I guess, MIL lost interest and/or got too frustrated to even try anymore.
I don't know that DD was so much "critical" of her mom, I hope not.
I would hope (wish I'd of been a fly on the wall ) that she would echo some of the sentiments that she and I have talked about .. to her dad.
That their mom does not need to be living alone .. and that if they do .. if that's their decision then yes .. he needs to step up, it's his mom. Hopefully she imparted that to him, but I don't know.
I do know that she offered, .. it sounds like it was asked in a frame of "your mom is so off the chart upset about all this .. we'll just have to be doing the best we can going forward to help mom .. and do what we can when something crops up .. are you on board, will you help".
It sounds like that's how it was framed. And yes, who wouldn't (especially if they haven't walked a mile in my shoes) who wouldn't answer in the affirmative, 'yes certainly .. I'll do what I can, absolutely".
But yes, .. as I said before, I didn't even argue the point with DH ..
Indeed a case of a child throwing up all night .. or the sniffles .. derails the whole thing as far as any real participation on DD's part in service to the whole thing .. you bet it does.
One thing to say 'oh absolutely .. I'll help' .. but when the water hits the wheel and you've had sick kids for a week .. and there's all this concern that those nasty little germ bugs that travel around on the pre-k aged child might hop off her and onto MIL .. what the reality will be, it'll be quite different.
And yes that's something I've pondered, how much baby sitting do I want to do, so that this set up can be accommodated for MIL. It is a point I've pondered. I don't have an answer in my own mind about it, not yet.
I can only answer that I wouldn't want to do it daily .. so that DD can be in the streets running to prop this all up with MIL. It's not anything I'd sign on for .. as a daily occurrence .. but short of that, as I play it out in my mind I have no answers, for my own mind as to how that might be workable for me.
We're right back where we were when this all began .. almost a year ago, which my reaching out here, for understanding/clarity/support from like minded folks. No further down the road, at all.
Thus the reason I had to reach out to a support group. The 3 main players in this whole saga ... not one thing has changed ... even in spite of my best efforts to get it righted, the course of it.
And no, back when there was much contention about the yellow bedroom, .. counseling was suggested, and it was rejected at that point. That won't be on the radar for DH and his grappling with all of this saga. No part of it.
Given a couple of days with all of this weighing on my shoulders, ... Ok .. I get it, .. your mom wants to reserve the right to stay firmly entrenched in her home, no matter the consequences (and they're coming). That's her right, I suppose, to make that decision, as well as wear the consequences of that decision. Especially since, it's apparent no one is going to grapple with the thought that maybe they shouldn't be giving her that much latitude .. maybe some cognitive impairment, but no one is going to address that. So, okay .... you guys are going to allow that going forward, she's your mom .. you want her to be able to make her own choices for her fate going forward. Gotcha! Can wrap my brain around that, I guess.
I don't understand why there isn't more honest, sit down, face to face, dialogue about what that looks like, and my best efforts at trying to get that done, doesn't get it done..
But okay. That's the approach you guys want to take, she's your mom .. and as has been said to me, you don't have a pony in this show .... you walked away from it ... so fine ... go with it then, your mom ....Got it.
What remains ......
Is what started this whole thread months and months ago.
Her needs are far too great ....
Yes, her home has grab bars installed everywhere, it's single story .. it's this, it's that. But that is not the only variable to weigh in it all. And no one seems to look at that factor, and my attempts to get that in the forefront of some dialogue .. are met with, .. from DH: "You don't have a dog in this fight .. you washed your hands of it we aren't gonna be able to PLAN for every possible contingency, we'll just have to take it as it comes and do the best we can". That gets met with from SIL: "I'm just doing the best I can here to weigh out and provide for her needs/her wishes ... she isn't senile and Alzheimers .. maybe it'd be easier if she were ... ".
No one addresses the big huge glaring glowing pink elephant in the room of the millions of other variables that crop up as to her remaining in her home.
Look, .. if this were a situation where the mother's funds were such she can afford, and is willing/able to do so .. to hire any and every whim she wishes .... Say the mother had unlimited funds (she does not) and wanted a live-in caregiver .. in the event of illness, in the event of her dog's needs .. whatever ... hey I'm all for it, it's her life. I don't wish her to be unhappy at all. Why would I banish her to some place she doesn't want to be .. and I'd have no standing for that stance at all.
That isn't the case. There are no funds to pay for such services .. not from our corner, not from her corner, not from SIL's corner. None of us have the funds that would afford the situation that kinda set up. Not even close to it.
So what remains is the MIL in place, in her home, as she wishes ...
What goes unanswered to is the myriad of problems that arise as a result of that. Yes, her home is outfitted appropriately for an aged individual. Hooray for that. But ... she shouldn't be driving anywhere .. have they taken her keys .. don't know ... nobody talks to anybody in this family.
So ... MIL falls ill with a stomach ailment, or a bad cold, fever, .. whatever ... you name it. Who is on hand there, on site .. to make sure she is hydrating, .. make sure she is eating appropriately? No one.
Post that question to DH .. "we can't plan for every possible contingency Dorker, .. we can only take it day to day .. and do the best we can".
(Translation - I will be calling upon you to go sit vigil with mother, since .. after all, I work for a living here, I can't be there .......... if I'm there, we don't have a roof over our heads).
Only ... Dorker ... has said, for months now, .. her needs are too great and I'm stepping out of all this ....
And yet .. here we are, at the same juncture we've been .. all along .. nothing changes.
So MIL's dog needs grooming and she's been under the weather and can't get there ... she complains to SIL in one of their numerous daily phone calls, that her dog looks so bad but that she just can't get it done ... and this then becomes a text to DH .. because Dorker is out .. she doesn't have a dog in this fight. Text gets ignored .. by DH ... and text then flies into my corner ... "Hey I texted brother a couple of days ago, and he hasn't answered ..... sounds like mom's dog is looking pretty haggard and in need of grooming .. and she just can't seem to get there, she's been feeling under the weather lately ... do you know if DH got my text?".
In the past...
"No I don't know if he got your text, .. maybe she needs to call one of those mobile groomers .... ".
Answer: "She would never do that, they are far too expensive ... that lady up the road charges her so little for it .. but she just isn't feeling well and can't get there"
My response: "The perils of owning a pet you have to manage and are unable to, I'll pass word to DH to get with you".
DH comes in from work, "hey your sister is trying to get you something about the dog needing to be groomed".
It then becomes a contention here in this household, with the arrow now aimed at me, and some hostility coming from him with the whole CHRISSAKES mentality ... "I don't have time for that CHIT DORKER ............ you know how busy I've been .... hell I haven't been in, in a week, before dark .. just tell my sister that she's gonna have to figure it out .. I can't do it ... ".
Me: "No .. YOU TELL YOUR SISTER THAT ... this is YOUR MOM .. and HER NEEDS .. I'm out of it remember".
FOR CHRISSAKES it's just ....................
Me; "Well if it's just ........................, then take care of it, no problem ... I didn't sign on for this arrangement .. been after you guys forever to get it addressed that your mom doesn't manage .. on her own .. your failure to do it, isn't then my problem to pick up the pieces".
Him: "I own a damn business here and if I stop to go see about a fricking dog getting groomed, or pet treats that need picked up .. or blah blah blah blah ... we all sink, .. how bout YOU GO EARN THE LIVING AND I'll THEN TAKE CARE OF MY MOM .. how bout that, .. YOU GO KEEP A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS AND I'LL DO IT".
(I don't have the earning potential he does and he knows that, I could work around the clock and not make the kinda $ he makes in a day). Nor is it my problem to now ... okay gee, well let's make sure Queen Narcissa stays in her home, per her will, .. and by GOD let me jump through whatever proverbial hoop DH lays out there .. and I'll now go work around the clock, to make the kinda $ we need here ... and he can then sign off working and go care for Narccissa.
That is unrealistic.
This is how all this goes ....
And yes indeed, .. sit down and have a real conversation (un yelling) about how it all looks, how it all plays out ... the reasons why the numerous variables should be taken into consideration into any arrangement that leaves her at her will, to stay in her home .. yes ... absolutely it needs to happen.
But it doesn't. In spite of all my efforts.
Then as Barb put it, flare ups blow up .. everybody yells ... and then it quiets down again, no resolution. Oh but MIL stays put where she'd like to be ... until .. the next flare up of whatever the need dujour is ...
No let's don't sit down and have a family meeting of sorts where a determination can be set in stone .... DH you will be responsible for every other Saturday in service to your mom, be that errands, be that fix it chores, .. be that just sit and visit with her, whatever that looks like, .. Dorker, you will be responsible for Tuesdays every other week, be that doc appts ... be that picking up things for her, .. errands .. whatever .... daughters .. need you guys to step up here to the tune of such and such every other week ..
No, .. suggest that and you get, .. from DH: "I can't sign on for any damn thing that's set in stone .. I can't do that .. I may have to work, .. I may have some project that I'm under the gun .. I can't do that .. you know that I will go, I'll just have to step up .... when there is a problem, I'll just have to do the best I can".
That's his answer. And then .. when a problem crops up .. he ignores .. until it lands in my face and I present it to him, then I get blasted ...
But BY GOD MIL stays in her home .. as per her wish.
As I said, I get it .. she is that fervent that she wishes to remain in her home .. be damned the consequences, apparently. I get it. Okay .. gonna go with that.
So then answer the other numerous variables that crop up and how they'll be spoken to ..
Nope .. nobody wants to address it, but they will surely dial that arrow back at me, when those variables crop up ...
The very reason that I started this whole thread months and months and months ago ... I cannot and will not stay in the damn roads every day of my life supporting that which I find untenable and have said so.
Yet nothing changes.
I am just completely worn out with it all. I think back on DH as he was thundering at me, in our heated conversation, "You better be careful .. your daughters are watching .... you will one day be an old lady yourself! You better hope your daughters are more diligent and caring than you're showing yourself to be and not throw in the towel".
My response: "Back atcha ... you're there as Mr. Fix it Man aren't ya ... but when I ask of you to go spend the night with your mom just merely because she's lonely .. go have breakfast with her, set it in stone that every other Sunday after church .. without fail . is her time with you, that you go have lunch with her, .. you can't make it happen can ya .. but then you wanna turn the dial in my direction as to stepping up to a setting I didn't sign on for, this isn't my MOTHER".
Round and round it goes, .. never any resolution at all.
SIL comes ... (at least these past few times over the last several months) her stays have required her to be on site here longer than what was prior .. when this all started .. used to be she'd be here about 2 or 3 weeks, then off she'd go again. At least over the last several months and the different circumstances that have brought here here to attend to her mom .. she's had to stay considerably longer than the normal 2 or 3 weeks. Then things smooth to an even keel .. SIL here .. running that hamster wheel ever harder, ..
I ask of DH that he offer to go relieve his sister .. that he go out and let his sister and her husband get away and go have some respite from it.
What happens .. he offers to go stay overnight ..and SIL then rejects said offer, saying that the mom needs help with toileting (this was subsequent to her nasty fall she took) .. and that she wouldn't be comfortable with him helping .. that she'll just handle it .. she says it's really the day to day activities .. the dish washing, the dog walking, the grocery runs .. the meal prep .. the laundry .. that's what she needs more help with ... but that he can't do that .. hes' working ....
Well, in my assessment, people that WANT TO WORK TOGETHER find a way to do so. "No brother, kind of you to offer, .. but mom really wouldn't be comfortable with you helping her to toilet .. but ya know .. there's a list a mile long .. of other things .. maybe if you could come over the weekend, and do some of those things .. when you aren't working, .. I'll make a list for you, .. stuff from the grocery .. and stuff we need from the pharmacy and if you could maybe get the laundry done .. I'll set it aside for you to take care of when you're here ... maybe just if you're around, you could walk the dog one of the times when you're here".
But nope. ... his offer gets rejected .......
And so he has no real feel of how the day to day needs exist there .. none at all.
And then the dial turns in my direction ....
It's not my mom.
I don't support this set up as anything sustainable .. and have said so ...
Because you guys can't all get on the same page .. and figure a plan that works, that allows your mom what she wants .. doesn't then make your anger and hostility cause me to hop to .. and get to steppin ..
H has already been discussed here a lot, but D's criticism of you opens the door to discussion of her, also. I think she has a LOT of nerve criticizing you, as much as you've helped her her over the past year. Her promises to help out with MIL sound hollow to me, as she barely seems able to handle her own life (granted, it's tough with twins). So she'll *seem* to be helpful, when I doubt she'll be able to do much at all (all it takes is one child w/the sniffles and her scheduled help for MIL will be cancelled).
Or what *might* happen is that you will be pressed into even more babysitting so that D can do some stepping and fetching for MIL. But maybe you are okay with that?
Again, I'm really surprised that D would say anything bad about you -- it was HER neediness that caused the slowdown and eventual stoppage in your MIL fetching and stepping, after all.
The lack of real communication in this family stands out as a huge issue. People make assumptions, simmer , then boil over. Then back to more quiet and assumption making. It's hard to watch, even from afar.
Dorker has thrown the dysfunctional machine out of whack by stepping away. You've now got a three wheeled vehicle on a very bumpy road; the blame is getting placed on the " flat tire" when clearly, the "driver" is the one who is at fault.
Dorker, can you have an honest, unyelling conversation with DH about why he is so unwilling to discuss the realities if this situation with either his mother or his sister? Why, when his mother or sister says " it would be a shame for me to leave my house, it's so perfect", he doesn't say " not perfect at all, mom. It's a death trap".? Or why he doesn't say " My wife is not going to do the bulk of the running around keeping mom happy in what is clearly an untenable situation, we need to, as a family find a better solution"?