I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Sounds like it was an awful night.
There is talk of "discharge" to home this morning.
Did tell SIL I think that's a horrible plan. She can barely ambulate on a good day when her 100% is only maybe 30% of being able to function, .. this .. this injury is going to knock her back to almost nil as to any functionality at all.
SIL was already worn out ...
As I've said .. she comes here, that hamster wheel churns and burns. Had MIL at the "vein" doctor .. for them to review what was done previously .. ???.... as to the superficial veins in her legs, and that has supposedly proved *successful* (have my serious doubts there) .. and there's more they want to do, but SIL wants cardio doc sign off before whatever it is they wish to do additionally.
Cardio doc for stress test (which it turns out was a chemical stress test .. but it's said it was grueling .. even being a chemical stress test).
Neuro doc ....
Eye doc ....
SIL was already worn out (so she says) .. hauling MIL hither and yon for doc appts ...
And now .. now she has fallen and is hospitalized, for the moment.
I have told DH .. "if they don't sit down and get some honest forthright discussion going on their mother's situation . they are both fools".
His answer, "yes, she doesn't need to be living alone, if this doesn't show that to be true, I don't know what does".
Does he then follow it up with, "I will be speaking with my sister TODAY ........".
NOPE.
And no, the yellow bedroom ..
I'm not a medical professional .. she needs more care, .. obviously .. than is provided by just a family member. I'm not suitable and up to that task, .. and if she can't even ambulate around here, on family occasions .. then what in the world would make anybody then think this a suitable setting for recuperating. Not gonna happen.
Trip to ER for my dad is what got the ball rolling to get him in AL. Hospital sociol worker helped me ALOT!!!
Barb is right, if she can’t pull a shade down in her own home nor come to your house on Christmas, neither is a safe place for her.
You may have to be adamant, even borderline mean, but if MIL comes to your house, you will be the one designated to take care of her. That’s a given as DH works, SIL will return home. It’s your home; don’t let them push this on you, you have a say as to what you will be comfortable with in your own home. I wouldn’t be comfortable with a 88 y/o woman who just had a fall living in mine. MIL needs supervision.
I am hoping you are wrong in that the siblings won’t discuss their mother’s future but am resigned to how you think they will not. You know best. If they don’t or can’t collaborate on their mother’s care, don’t allow them to make it your problem.
Another holiday of yours ruined Dorker. Good thing SIL is there to fawn over MIL for a few days more. You need to get your husband to step up.
This is only the beginning...
If MIL can't pull a shade in her own home up or down without a disastrous fall like this, then she can't live alone, unattended in her own home anymore.
Dorker, just be a broken record. Don't nag. Joint point out the facts, repeatedly.
Not safe to be left alone. Not safe in her home alone. No one can guarantee her safety in yellow bedroom because no one is at home 24/7, MIL is non-compliant and house is not elder friendly (if she couldn't see her way clear to come for her son's birthday or for Christmas dinner, I hope no one has the temerity to propose it as a place for her to rehab.)
And although we will all say it with you HERE Dorker, just THINK "I told you so" (about having "the talk" before this. Accidents/falls don't happen at convenient times.
This surely should start The Discussion. I am concerned that H might propose the Yellow Bedroom as a "temporary" solution, once DIL and entourage depart (and when will that be?). We know you won't let that happen.
I'd be concerned that, like at the last hospitalization, DIL is around to make it appear that someone is in the home, attending to MIL. Someone needs to paint a clearer picture about what the actual setup looks like. In my mind at least, the Yellow Bedroom looms as a long-term residence, painted by DIL as the ideal to Discharge Planning. Please make sure she and DH know that's it's not.
Don't let the " oh, let's discharge her home, it's Christmas" happen. Make sure this discussion happens. Today.
DH only has a small speaking part on xmas eve, at church on xmas eve. Hopefully he will be able to deal with his mom a bit .. and also his church involvement.
I hope that he and the sister will sit down and talk, but I doubt it, even still .. yes, seriously.
While there is no ideal time for The Fall to occur, I am sorry for you and your family that The Fall has fallen so close to Christmas. I imagine that with DH as involved in his church as he is, this will likely throw his plans into the trash bin - or will it?
SIL was apparently on her way back .. and had in fact, turned the car onto the street where MIL lives, when she got a phone call from her husband .. who'd heard the commotion and gone and found that MIL had fallen and was in some significant pain.
It was MIL .. so I'm told, .. she was the one that directed the ambulance be summoned. In too much pain to be moved, .. and felt she might do better attended by rescue personnel. She apparently vomited somewhere in all of that, from the pain ...???....not sure.
Her BP is elevated (not common for her) .. maybe from the pain she's in.
Will post when I know more.
Let us know what’s up. They will probably keep her overnight for observation.
Fingers crossed that she isn’t hurt too badly & her family realizes it is time to face the reality that MIL can’t live alone.
MIL fell this afternoon/evening.
She is presently at the ER (taken via ambulance) .. don't know anything yet. I'm at home. SIL, being in town, of course, followed along and is at the hospital.
She is in some significant pain .. in her back ..???....feels like she can't breathe well, .. maybe the pain inhibiting that, not sure. They've given her an oxycodone for pain. X-ray to be done, too soon to know much at this point.
SIL had gone to the airport to retrieve her daughter (flew in for xmas weekend). Left SIL's husband there with MIL. MIL had gone into one of the bedrooms and reached over to pull a shade down, and down she went .. hit her back on something, doesn't know what.
Sounds to me a bit like a broken rib ..???....but I don't know.
Last night, .. DD came over here (Santa stuff is hidden here at our house, .. challenge to keep 4 yo at bay), .. DD here til 1 AM .. she and I laughing and wrapping presents.
Christmas is a lot of fun with little ones around.
Yes, I will make it a point to mention to DH that he's going to have his plate more than full, on the day that MIL is finally rendered no longer able to come home from a hospital visit, due to severe injury from a fall. That it's all going to fall to him, as next of kin .. to get all that in order. That will be too daunting for him alone to manage, .. with everything else that's part of his daily existence.
I have kinda assumed there's been no push on his part to sit sister down and have some real dialogue (as he said there'd be) because Xmas is approaching .. and no one wants to rain on a parade, as they say. That, maybe he intends to do so after Xmas .. get his sister's ear .. and have her understand that the two of them, ARE GOING TO SIT DOWN AND TALK. That's what he said .. was his intent.
Yet nothing happens, not yet anyway. Who knows if it will happen at all. He's gotten his *honey do* list of texts from his sister as the hamster wheel churns out there, her in attendance. But that's about the only communication that has transpired.
I think he's right. His sister on the scene here, .. it's as I've said of it all, thru these thousands of posts .. she comes here, hops on that hamster wheel .. and/or numerous goose chases .. all in the hopes of making it all right ... right that mother can continue to live alone (which is the mother's fervent most dug in desire) ... but not only that, .. I suppose SIL's also. SIL .. if she can find the magic pill, or the magic procedure/test ... and accommodations with gadgets and such .. it's all okay .... mother is fine, she's managing ... and nobody has to take any "action" to change any of it.
Am I crazy, or does anyone else see the irony in the whole, "mother can't manage all that, it's too much for her", .. as to her attending the dinner here, as well as then going to the church function on Xmas eve. The plan is they will meet us at church .. for that portion of the events for the evening, but forgo dinner here prior to church, .. saying it's too much for her. Am I crazy or does anyone else see the irony here. But, "she's fine, she manages .. ". To me, .. but maybe I'm nuts ... if she's that compromised that she consistently can't come over here (she's all but a damn shut in) ... it's just too much for her to manage. Then you don't get to say ... "but she's fine, she manages". Talking out of both sides of your mouth.
It all has the propensity to cast a pall over my holiday season ... the *abandonment* that I sometimes feel in it all. The fact, that I exited the whole scene months ago .. and my absence is glaring. I used to be a huge part of the whole scene there. She hasn't gotten better .. and I knew that wouldn't be the case, when I exited. So .. it does hit me, every once in a while, ... a feeling that I abandoned the whole thing in the 9th hour of need.
It's a work in progress that I have to remind myself ... I can't, and won't do more .. than her own offspring .. as I once did .. being in the streets on all these rabbit holes and wild goose chases. Only for MIL to refuse meds rx'd .. and/or recommendations, etc. Spend all that time .. and nix your own life in pursuit of it all, only to find that she's "done with doctors", "not taking all these pills", .. "not doing all that PT".
So be it, status quo continues.
I just keep refocusing on my g'children .. and my own life ... and the other .. the whole mess, saga, .. it remains kinda on the periphery.
Thus the beat goes on. Dorker when you make that last effort to get DH to sit & talk with SIL before she leaves, tell him that when the “event” occurs when his mother ends up on the floor with a real injury like a broken hip, etc that HE is going to have to step up to arrange placement, make health decisions, etc. Warn him to be ready for this as it will rock his world because you aren’t going to do it nor can you, not being direct next of kin.
DH needs to be assertive while his sister is there about a DNR, Advanced Directives, Living Will because if MIL’s end of life plans are unknown there will be chaos.
Her children need to know if MIL has a will, are her finances accessible in case she needs to apply for Medicaid, RM information, pre funeral planning, amongst other important information a family member must have for placement in LTC, or on her passing.
SIL is in denial, DH for whatever reason is too passive. Those are real, adult decisions that are unpleasant to think about but must be settled.
And MIL is the drama queen still, quintessential martyr.
That’s all I would do; encourage DH to lasso his sister into a meeting of some sort and present her with the fact that their mom is failing & there needs to be a plan devised in case of a sudden health crisis. It’s one thing to keep pushing that responsibility away as those conversations are uncomfortable but to ignore that an 88 y/o won’t live forever is foolish.
Keep on keeping on Dorker. The twins first Christmas! How sweet! And I’ll bet your 4y/o is just bursting with happiness and full of “cuteness “this Christmas season! Are all your grandchildren girls, or is one a boy?
I'd be crazy with all of this!! Good thing you stepped out of it when you did. I hope you can have an enjoyable holiday--in spite of the ongoing dramas.
Gosh. I hope they monitored it *really* closely. Just think how embarrassing that could be.
Has DH asked SIL what she's hoping to find out?
He asked if his sister and her husband and MIL are coming. Told him no, they are invited but have declined. They will meet us at church, but that it's said that it's too much for MIL to endure .. having to come here and then struggle to find somewhere suitable to sit and then struggle to get up and so forth.
DH found that aggravating. I explained that, for her, at 88 years old, .. it's apparently a real problem .. that's why the invites here are always declined. His answer to that, "that's what we're here for, .. we can help her, .. if she needs help getting out of a seat .. we are here, we're not gonna just leave her be .... we'll help her .... it's all damned vanity ... she's so vain ... she won't come here and be seen as someone who has to struggle the way she does, to get into a chair .. and to get out of a chair, and be helped along to navigate around, damn vanity".
He then went on to say how confounded he is ... and aggravated by the fact that sister is here .. and MIL is now being drug around to docs .. and part of that he says .. was to the heart doc .. and a treadmill and so forth, .. and her words spoken to him, "I am trying to find out why I'm so tired all the time".
He found that confounding and aggravating, saying to me, "She's 88 years old, .. why is she muddling thru all this ... she's 88!!!!!!!!!! ... .she has mobility issues .... what ...??....what are they going to do . give her a magic pill that somehow improves her stamina ... she's not gonna have bypass surgery or something, not at her age, not at her condition ............that's my damn sister ... she comes here and thinks she's gonna run her thru the paces and it's all gonna be okay .. hand her a magic pill that make it all *ok* that she remain in her home .... and that way sister doesn't have to do something to turn this whole thing, it aggravates the daylights out of me".
I said, "no, .. what they need to do is get her to a psychiatrist to help her grasp and wrap her brain around the fact that she's not 48 years old, she's 88 years old ... ".
He agrees.
I said to him, "that's .. there's a lot of reasons .. but what you are seeing presently is why I had to step away from all this .. it's maddening".
His words: "yea .. and then they'll hand her some pill, and then next thing you know you'll hear her say *oh I'm not taking all these pills* and you want to scream .. then why'd you go get all that done ...
The hamster wheel is at full tilt ..SIL on it, ... status quo continues.
So glad that I'm no longer in the thick of all this crap!
It's so senseless. How many times have I said on here .. that MIL announces in her grand proclamations that she's done with all these doctors.
Yet what continues? Doc visits.
For what? To determine she has CHF ... we already know that ... what else can they possibly achieve by putting her thru the paces of a stress test ... so they find out there's some huge blockage and she's days before a major heart attack .... really ...???.....is she going to be someone that can undergo bypass surgery ....???
What's the goal here?
It all just .. as DH puts it, .. it's all so aggravating ...
It used to be me ... either along with SIL .. and both of us on the front on it all, or either in SIL's absence on the front here, me ... doing all these wild goose chases.
I, personally, think MIL needs a geriatric psychiatrist .. to help her grasp that she is elderly and she is going to have these problems .. there isn't going to be a magic "fix" anywhere .. that she will once again, be a spry 30 year old and boundless energy.
And enabling all of that is SIL.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
DH has mentioned having been sent several texts from his sister as to a "honey do" list on that end, but that's about it.
Whether DH and his sister sit down and talk about the future with the situation remains to be seen. It's up to them.
Things must be going well !
Your story made me grin. Good you were able to find humor in it.
There's been no movement that I'm aware of on this end, .. as to any discussion on further arrangements. But it's approaching xmas and I guess .. cut them all some slack, tough talk, .. this time of year .. maybe not the thing to do. I really don't know, haven't asked.
DD was over there the other day to cut MIL's hair for her, and take the twins for a visit.
DD was telling me that MIL is loosing her hair at an alarming rate ... a LOT of it.
I didn't know this. DD then saying to me, "now there's something for SIL to sink her teeth into and worry about, but she didn't seem to have a care at all about it .... what's up with that".
I don't know.
DD then saying (which is so very true, of MIL) ... "this isn't good ... MIL ... she is VAIN to a fault ... always has been ... what in the world ...???.......if she lives long enough, she's going to be bald .. that's not good ... MIL is too vain to have to endure that".
So very true of MIL.
I asked of DD, .. "is MIL aware she's loosing a lot of hair?". DD said that yes she is, .. and she asked her about it, and that MIL said yes, .. and that she doesn't even know why she's still here .. everyday she wakes up ... ponders yet again, ... Lord .. why am I still here?". That was the MIL's response to the question of her awareness on loosing her hair.
DD seemed a little taken back by the fact that SIL who worries and anguishes over every little bit of minutia she can conjure .. didn't seemingly care about the above.
My only response before changing the subject, .. "SIL seems to have an uncanny ability to worry about all the WRONG things ... ".
DD asking then, .. "do you think she's in some kinda denial ... SIL ...???".
I changed the subject. Has nothing to do with me, and I'm not about to get in it all, and call SIL or MIL .. "do you guys realize, .. maybe this is some medication she's on .. you need to get to the bottom of it ... you know how vain she is .. that would be a fate for her, worse than death .. to have to endure wearing a wig in her waning years .. or be bald ... that's just awful .. we need to investigate what's going on here .. what's at the root of all this".
Not doing it.
With that, we talked of other things. Interesting the 4 yo .. always in our presence. She's now getting to an age when we talk about things, she wants to know *who* ... and so we are having to be careful what we say .. the room has ears ... and a mouth that repeats things. Subject changed we moved on to other topics.
I have been sick with the flu and I took the last 3 days to read this entire post, all 202 pages of it. It reminds me SO much of my grandma (and nowadays, my mother). All "Oh, I don't need any help, I'm fine!" around doctors and then they can't reach the salt shaker at home without help. And every little crisis, oh god help you if you aren't there.
My grandma was in her late 70s, had back surgery and then decided it was time to go be with the lord!!! LOL, no. She died over 12 years later in 2009 when she was 87. So she stayed at her home from 1997-2004 with me (a teenager at the time), my mother and my poor, poor dad (her son in law) moving heaven and earth to accommodate every single whim. I still cringe when I hear the term "maple nut ice cream" or "something's wrong with my TV". So many nights we'd be there until all hours because she "knew" she was dying any minute and we didn't dare to leave.
My aunt (grandma's daughter) was so much like your SIL! She lives across the country and was always calling, emailing me, demanding "Why aren't you at Grandma's, she said X was wrong, omg get over there at once!"
I remember one Christmas so well, it was the funniest thing I ever saw. We were a little bit late getting over there, and she decided we weren't coming and there wouldn't be any Christmas. So she started to make her own (air quotes) "dinner".
She made a can of beef and barley soup and then strained out all the liquid and sat down to "eat" that. She was not sick, she didn't have any dietary issues, she cooked regular food for herself all the time, but by god she was just going to be a martyr. Poor Grandma, no Christmas, all alone with nothing but broth.
But then, when my aunt came in 2004 and said "time for you to go into assisted living!" my grandma did. Bam. She was a brand new person. And she was fine and dandy, living large for 5 more years.
You are not alone and I hope your SIL can see the light!
I don't ask anymore. It's their mom, .. and the approach has vacillated since I stepped away . Pendulum on it all swinging mostly in the direction that MIL wants with a vehemence to stay firmly entrenched in her home (although I disagree with that and have said so), and the other end of the spectrum where the pendulum only rarely swings, .. MIL stating that she realizes it's not really viable that she remain living alone. She has mentioned that once or twice, and the result has been about zero as far as any movement on the part of anyone involved .. as to making anything happen. Thus, I stay out of it, say very little.
It confounded me for a long long time, .. and I guess, maybe just about drove me over the edge .. but backing out of it all has been the approach that saved my own sanity.
She is thought to be of sound mind, and as such, .. no one can drag her off, tied up, to a setting she didn't choose. Her grown kids, .. they don't seem to wish to persuade that she isn't safe and take any initiative to change anything. DH .. a firm sit on the sidelines sort .. and his sister . .come here periodically run at full tilt on the hamster wheel the entire time, til she hops on the plane to resume her normal life 1K miles away..........albeit micromanaging her mom's life from afar.
As to whether MIL can mind her mouth in the presence of her son in law. The very first night, we picked up pizza on the way in, after having retrieved SIL and her husband from the airport. Brought pizza in .. and were all sitting at the table to eat, including MIL.
SIL's husband, .. because of his conditions, and meds he takes, has some really pretty marked tremors, .. it's been said of him that he has Parkinson's like symptoms (but he does not have Parkinson's). He was struggling to get the pizza slice to his mouth. The tremors so bad that his hands shake and he can barely connect .. whatever it is in his hands, to his mouth, be that a glass of water, or a bite of food, etc. MIL had to chime in, "Well B .. you sure are awfully shaky there".
This is not new. He has had tremors .. bad tremors, for a number of years. Fortunately .. for MIL .. he is such a mild mannered, non assuming sort .. he didn't even acknowledge what was said to him. His wife (SIL) asked him, if he'd like a fork/knife and he acknowledged in the affirmative and that seemed to help things along.
I guess old folks, .. they are known to have no filter and MIL would fit that bill.
There has been no discussion that I'm aware of .. between SIL and DH. Sunday was her first full day here .. and of course, DH has been at work Monday and today .. and will be for this week.
I don't even intend to ask him if he's contacted his sister about this supposed "sit down" that he was so adamant would occur.
It's up to them. It's been a very hard fought battle to get my own psyche wrapped around all this, and diving back in to even so much as pry as to what/when/why .. runs the risk that I will be vested in it all again, more than I want to be.
I think, like others that have posted here .. this is gonna play itself out .. much to what I would've not liked to have seen .. but very much MIL's choice .. she orchestrated it .. she will continue to wither away .. until a major fall, or some other catastrophic something .. that ends this whole charade ..
I too think there are likely suitable AL's here locally .. but no one has investigated any of it, and I don't suspect they will be doing so. I too think that SIL has no intention of taking her mother back to where she lives in the spring as has been mentioned. Spring will come and go with a myriad of reasons/excuses why that can't occur at this point. In the interim no one does anything to initiate any other discussion or action on a more suitable setting.
It's not how I would've directed things if I were in charge. But I'm not .. in charge. She's not my mom. I was mired in it all far too long, and way too deep .. being the step n fetcher in it all, daily .. to the demise of my own life and responsibilities. To the degree that it just about drove me over the edge, the inability to get MIL and/or her offspring on the page that this is no longer tenable.
Fought my way out of the quicksand of it all, and that's where I'm staying. I have to work the next couple of days. Spent the day yesterday enjoying my DD and her twins here .. at my house. Enjoyed building a Gingerbread house with the 4 yo g'daughter and took her to a Gingerbread Extravaganza locally (local community organizations and businesses build their own version of some pretty elaborate Gingerbread houses and display them .. competitively .. at a local historic church). Came home from that and baked xmas cookies with the 4 yo. Have enjoyed helping ot put up the xmas at our church and put up our own xmas here at home and did some other baking outside of g'child's presence.
Went to a performance at g'daughter's school of Christmas carols by the children and will be attending a dance performance at a local downtown venue this weekend with her in it, and then taking her the next day to the local version of the Nutcracker Ballet put on by the symphony here.
All things I was struggling at one point to be able to do with my own life .. sans the running constantly in the wild goose chases that was MIL's well being.
Nope, firmly entrenched now, in my own life, as it should be. And not budging from it. Sad .. sad to see the state of affairs with MIL .. but I'm far enough removed at this point that I have the whole concept firmly entrenched .. "not my circus, not my monkey" and I own it, wear it, live it, breathe it now.
In the back of SIL's mind? I think there was the unspoken hope that whatever crisis arose that required MIL to move would happen In FL and the rehab from hospital would require the move to assisted living or skilled nursing facility IMMEDIATELY. And of course it would be cruel to move MIL from FL and her home and her church and her grandbabies and great grandbabies. The need for Medicaid enrollment would be daunting and why move her when so many services are there in elder friendly state? So it would have fallen on Dorker and DH (well, Dorker) to take over the advocacy, management and day-to-day social life for MIL who would fight any attempt to mainstream her in AL. All of this many many miles from SIL"
I think you've nailed it! Neither one wants Narcissa near them, and to be responsible!
Would you ever consider asking your SIL and DH to join you for a walk around the block where you ask SIL if she is EVER going to take MIL? How about the 3 of you take the day after Christmas as a day to tour assisted living facilities in your area? You seem to be the only person in your whole scenario who has a reality check. It may be up to you to "push the issue".
The fall with the resulting scrape probably means she is becoming more unsteady on her feet. Elderly folks have such thin skin, a brush up against a rough surface and the skin peels back like paper. And, wow, can those scrapes bleed! And they don't heal, either.
Sadly, MIL is just going to wither away. There is the "last fall" the "last pneumonia" the last diabetic issue and there is no coming back. BUT--MIL has orchestrated this, so it's very hard to find a lot of sympathy.
And it has been MONTHS since Dorker started posting--Medicare could be in place and MIL could be moved and safe and happy-ish by now. Lots of wheel spinning, lots of drama and really ? nothing has changed in 6 months. Dorker has stepped out, and that was her initial concern...SIL is more aware, yet still doing nothing, DH is more aware, yet still doing nothing.
SIL will spin around, do a bunch of cleaning and Dr's appts and flit off home and nothing will be changed. I hope I am wrong!!
Dorker, enjoy the holidays as much as you can. Let Dh and SIL handle the stuff, you enjoy the kiddoes. You've done all and more than could be expected.
I think with the best will in the world SIL has tried to keep Narcissa in her home. The FOG is great with that one.
DH has been able to ignore until very recently when Dorker stepped back the terribly deteriorating situation. I think that the push for Assisted Living near SIL is DH's way to maintaining his inability to provide much in the way of support when MIL is "so far away". His business keeping him much too busy to travel, there *can* be no expectation of him coming to relieve SIL quarterly...and DH can maintain his facade of involvement.
In the back of SIL's mind? I think there was the unspoken hope that whatever crisis arose that required MIL to move would happen In FL and the rehab from hospital would require the move to assisted living or skilled nursing facility IMMEDIATELY. And of course it would be cruel to move MIL from FL and her home and her church and her grandbabies and great grandbabies. The need for Medicaid enrollment would be daunting and why move her when so many services are there in elder friendly state? So it would have fallen on Dorker and DH (well, Dorker) to take over the advocacy, management and day-to-day social life for MIL who would fight any attempt to mainstream her in AL. All of this many many miles from SIL and her own so ill hubby....Just sayin.
I doubt "the talk" will ever happen. I don't think SIL really wants the responsibility of her mother living with or near her.