I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
DH has it all to himself ...not there ....and youngest daughter has gone to stay with friends.
My mom finally got power tonight ... so I tried to get DH to take his mom and he and she go to dd's house and I'll go to my mom's.
They both chose not to ... I guess I'm just a whimp and can't deal with it.
MIL doesn't travel light ... I won't list it all but .. I suspect it's just too much for her to load up like a gypsy again and move again. Her home doesn't have power.
Hope they fix it all soon. I'm so tired of all this.
We have a generator, as of this afternoon late (took that long for winds to subside enough to crank the generator). Powers a lamp, the TV, the fridges (2 of them) and a deep freezer and a fan.
The most frightening thing I've endured last night, I do believe. Lots of local flooding, though not here, in my neighborhood, thankfully. But the howling wind .. for hours and hours and hours .. howling/screaming wind .. rattling the doors and vibrating them, I was frightened.
No sleep at all last night as the thing moved here for several hours.
Probably not a lot of sleep tonight either, .. I'm a creature comfort sort (need my AC). There will be no AC, until power is restored. Don't know when that will be.
MIL .. I am staying absent a lot .. absent as in, time out on the screen room, time in my car, time talking to family on the cell phone, . time spent doing almost anything but being present in the moment here.
Works for me.
MIL's home also, no power .. don't know when her's will be restored either.
Next up on DH's chore list, .. go clean up all the mass of yard debris from the storm, at his mom's .. as well as empty and dispose of her freezer contents as well as her fridge disposables .. (no power and those things will thaw/spoil).
Don't know when that will occur, sometime in the next few days obviously.
All is well though, as to any bodily harm .. no one is worse for the wear, other than stressed and tired from it all.
I just hope this whole thing pushes Dorker's MIL to take action to move. One person, so MUCH energy expended on her. She's actually really lucky. Not everyone has 3 people intimately involved in their lives.
Must be no internet connection---hope they are safe. I feel so sad that she wound up right where she did not want to be. We all should have pitched in a few bucks and sent Queen Narcissa to SIL's house for a month. A $450 split, what 50 ways???
Everyone else I know in FL in the path of the hurricane is safe and evacuated to higher ground.
Lots of prayers for so many people affected by this horrible summer of 2017!!
The weather here is blustery/gusts of wind and loads of rain. South FL .. I can't even imagine the damage they will sustain there.
MIL is here .. and ... I am in my room, .. watching news coverage. However she is doing, she's doing. She and her dog.
I guess, once power goes, I'll try it via the Smartphone and hope it doesn't lock me out.
Prayers for safety for all.
Is there a problem with this site, if it is kept signed on .. as I do with the laptop I use (I never sign out of it), and then try to access it using my Smartphone?
Do I need to sign out of the site, before signing on, using another device?
Anticipating power outages here .. and laptop may be out of service, but I can use my cell (Smartphone). Once tried doing that, and it locked me out entirely. I wasn't able to sign on, via Smartphone OR the laptop at that point, for 2 days.
Was using the correct credentials, verified via sending info the Administrator .. and credentials were verified as accurate. So, I don't know what caused the problem unless it was the fact that the laptop was already signed on, and I tried to sign on via the Smartphone.
Dorker - do what you can for your mother and brother. Stay safe.
Just thought that was interesting. Let's hope the next mishap isn't more serious! But I wouldn't bet money on it.
SW FL hasn't really been on the radar in all of this, it's been extreme south FL, Keys, Miami .. and then up the peninsula of FL. Now, it appears SW FL .. (as this thing wobbles all around, as they always do) .. may be some impact there ..
My brother and his wife have evacuated just in case. But my brother owns a business there, he owns a home there, and I'm extremely worried for them. Not their health, they are out of harm's way, evacuated. But their property. Their son .. who also owns a home there .. and his property (the son is also out of harm's way).
My mother lives here locally, should that storm go ashore and cause catastrophe to our family members, my mom will certainly need my support and comfort, and I her's, we will both be upset. Very!
So, about the time that this thing begins making it's presence known to our great state in the SW of FL .. or wherever .. about that same time is when DH is to secure his mother/dog and bring them here. I may have a very valid excuse to not be here. Sadly (for my family). Watching closely.
The issue here seems to be that DH feels free to bring MIL to your joint home without discussion. Assumes it will be okay, with no assurances about how long it will last.
Are those the circumstances under which YOUR mom moved In? Probably not.
Yes, MIL will probably need to evacuate to your home. Yes, this is what family does. But I totally agree that you should be unavailable. It's not SIL who needs to experience mil's helplessness, it's dh.
It does not matter if the POA cannot be invoked while she is capable without her revoking the POA. What if she were to have a stroke because of the storm? What if she and DH ate some bad canned tuna when the power is out and you were at your mother's, and they come up with botulism and are on life support in a week? What then? Do you know for sure she wants every orifice filled with a tube and for her to be on life support until SIL decides to pull the plug? Does she want to live unable to communicate? Will she be happy just to eat ice cream and watch football reruns as in Gawande's book on end of life decisions, Being Mortal?
What are the answers to her and DH's end of life issues? This crisis is the perfect time to discuss the worst and make *plans.*
I think your husband has told you the way it's going to be. What is happening this time will be what will be happening from now on. I don't believe that your H or SIL is ready to force Narcissa to let them take charge.
(I wish you'd left town with your D and her family...)
If your MIL is in your home, are you really going to allow her to be unsafe and do nothing to help her????
I know that you Say that you MIL should be with her Daughter from August through October, and I Agree, but is that to begin Next Year, when she is that much more Feeble and another year Older?
Dorker, I'm worried about you and that you are caving a little bit, and I know and understand that at this point there is nothing that you can do, but I am thinking and hopiing that for you, that there is a more permanent solution in place by Next Year, that doesn't just revolve around the storm patterns every year that you Always need to be concerned about, but one that changes the previous pattern of step n fetch, that has had you so upset since the beginning of this thread,
That You guys need to have a Permanent change in your MIL's living environment, so that she can be safe, well fed and cared for, and Not by you, so that you all can get back to having the Loving Mother, Friend, Grandmother relationship with her, that you've enjoyed in years past, and that the burden of her health and welfare concerns are not solely placed upon your shoulders!
Believe me, my husband and I were the WORST in Putting Off Placing my FIL into an Assisted living place, about 8 years to late (Yes, he lived with us for 13 years! Waaaa!), and when I came across this site, searching for help with our decision making process, and Everyone told me that it would be in our Best Interest to get him into Assisted living, and it took me 3 years to finally convinced ourselves that it Must be Done, for our own good health, and Sweetie, it was Way too Late!
My FIL would have settled into Assisted living much easier, and would have been much stronger and Capable of living there for years on end, but we unfortunately left it too late, and then a Domino Effect of a yet undiagnosed Lung Cancer, and also a horrible situation of Pneumonia and Sepsis took hold of him just 9 weeks after we went to all the stress and financial commitment of moving him in, only to end up with him Back in our home and Now on Hospice.
You see, we Never Truly Know, just what is around the next bend, and in one years time, it will have been ONE MORE YEAR, that You will Still be trying to figure out Wht to Do with MIL. One More Year off of YOUR LIFE DORKER, and That is what I am worried about!
I would hate that you turn out in a situation simular to ours, one that can be remedied with 1) some simple POA ppwk, and 2) getting your husband and his sister to convince their Mom that these sorts of changes are in her's, and Everybody's best interest, and Especially Yours Dorker!
Please do not let this little hiccup named IRMA, to allow her to gain a foothold on your good intentions! You've done So Great 4hus far, getting your point accross!
Be safe in the storms, I'll be praying for you and your family! Stacey
Now do they chain you up and drag you out via law enforcement? Absolutely not. There are those who refuse to leave under any circumstances, ever, for their own reasons. Those folks are told, the following in summation. There will be no services .. no first responders available to you, no matter what the problem may be, be that criminal issues, be that health issues .. be that your house has fallen down at your feet and you have been struck by lightning .. and are writhing in pain. The premise there, .. the municipality will not risk the health and well being of first responders to send them out in treacherous conditions .. not when you were warned, to "leave" and you chose not to do so, and it is unsafe for these first responders to be put in that position. Once the all clear is given .. (pretty much once the storm is cleared, and it has been determined there are no downed live power lines or other perils .. they will then send out rescue personnel/first responders/law enforcement), but not until then .. and in some cases .. depending on the severity, it can be quite a while til that happens. Yes, people do end up dying and or horribly injured in some way or other in the above scenario and no, there is no help to assist. That is the fact.
Thus, the thinking is .. if you are asked to leave under a mandatory evacuation ... you should do so .. by all means. But not all do.
I am not under an evacuation order where I live (for whatever the data is that weather scientists use to compile these things .. I guess I don't live where there is a higher than normal flood plane or wind field ..??.... I don't really know how these things are determined). MIL does live in an evacuation zone, for whatever the basis is for determining these things.
There can be instances (tho I've never lived through one) ... a mandatory evacuation of ALL citizenry .. I guess if it was particularly dangerous that would be the case .. whether you live in evac zone or not. I've never seen that happen, but I saw it in Katrina in New Orleans .. several years back .. and not all were able to get out .. thus the huge debacle that became. Saw it happen in south FL back in 92 with Hurricane Andrew .. though back in that day I'm not sure that weather science was what it is now .. not sure how much they knew at that point, order evacuation of ALL residents of that area. The catastrophic damage and loss of life was devastating in both of those events cited.
I'm not going to that hotel in the Panhandle and have cancelled it for the following reason(s). As I said before, with these things .. one never knows ..a) how dangerous this will become ....b) where precisely it's going ......c) is it going to impact your area ...
UNTIL about 48 hours before it actually impacts your area ....
Which is about right now. We are to experience what our area will experience of it, .. Sunday PM thru Monday PM.
The roads .. at this point, turn on any news channel .. they are impassable .. gridlock traffic in any direction with those who have been ordered to evacuate (yes, some have chosen not to do so, they always do .. but many many many do). The roads are clogged, gas stations are running out of gas.
AND .............
Our area has been downgraded to a category 1. That will not be nearly as treacherous as once was thought. Yes, there will likely be loss of power .. how long .. anybody's guess .. (days ...???....hours ..???....weeks....???, who knows). Yes, there will be downed trees (we have no trees at all in our yard). With a category 1 coming this way, .. one would expect loss of power .. for however long, some trees down, debris scattered about .. such as tree limbs that fell and/or whatever debris people didn't secure in their yards and it blew this way.
That's about the worst that will be the case for us here. There will likely be some localized flooding in areas where there is a propensity for that, that isn't us .. we aren't in a flood zone. Nor is MIL (she is in an evacuation zone, but not in a flood zone, nor am I).
So I weigh it out, .. let me see, .. I can get out there and sit in my car on the interstate for hours .. and hours .. in gridlock .. even though I've not been ordered to leave .. and go to the hotel .. all by myself ..
All to escape .. loss of power and some tree limbs in the yard. Why?
I would definitely, no question about it, if I was a south FL resident .. I would be outta here .. already! They (sadly) can expect a lot of devastation .. you've all seen the aftermath of these kinds of things before on the tv news. That is what awaits south FL, roofs blown off, structures blown over, street signs and poles scattered about, boats blown into a whole other neighborhood onto people's remnant of a house that was there at one time .. total devastation.
That isn't where I live. I live about 7 hours from there. The storm is to traverse the lay of the land (if it does what they think, and they are pretty good once it gets about 48 hours away .. pretty good prognostications) .. it is to traverse the lay of the land .. (which is the best that you want to see, land slows these things down and lessens their intensity). By the time it gets to our area, it is to be a category 1.
When you weigh the PITA .. of getting out in the gridlock traffic to fight your way out of the mess, .. you weight it against .. staying .. what's the worst that is predicted to be the case here .. do I want to stay. Described above, about the expectation of what to expect in a Category 1. When I weight it out .. I'd rather weather a Category 1, than I would to get out and fight gridlock traffic, for what is, in the end, .. nothing more than an inconvenience, it isn't dangerous .. for the most part. The higher end categories of these things, 4 and 5 .. those are DANGEROUS .. you don't want to be there. But we aren't going to be a higher category .. not here where I live.
The nuisance of having MIL here .. and then being expected to step n fetch and wait on Queen Momma Drama .. nope. I am in control of that!
DH thinks he has to run out and about to assist others who have damage .. fine by me, do it. His mom will be left unattended, .. I also have parents here that I will want to go and check on their property and their needs .. and may need to "therapeutically" fib .... as to needs on behalf of my parents .. and I'm not above doing it.
He knows he will be waiting on his mother, not me. Remember the meltdown ... he knows. And if he thinks, "oh it's so critical, I have to go .. I have to go help so and so, they have a tree down .. and they can't even get out of their house" .. fine by me, go do it. Your mom can fend for herself, I'm heading over to ck on my mom/dad.
So .. that kinda explains why I decided to stay and what my plan is here.