You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
So, I came in from work tired and complaining about the traffic. The first thing he said is, "How are you doing, girl?"
I paused and looked at him. I soooo badly wanted to shoot that question back to him. Would he get mad at me? Oh, h*ll, go for it!
I replied, "How are you doing, Boy?"
He said, "What?!"
Sigh...I started it, I might as well carry it through, being Disrespectful for also calling him Boy. I replied, "How are you doing, BOY?"
He stared at me,and then started laughing so hard. Yeah! Back atcha, dad!!!
He struggles to pick up the phone and I've just noticed that he cannot remember where the speaker button is. I wait while he struggles to find it. He finds it, and booms out loud, "Hello? Hello?"
And the lady starts her spiel about the survey. In the meantime, because he cannot hear her (doesn't think he needs hearing aid), he keeps booming out into the phone, "Hello? Hello?" and because he cannot hear her, he thinks the speaker is not working. So, while she's trying to repeat her beginning spiel, and dad's hello, I keep hearing all these clicking sound (dad pressing the speak button repeatedly.)
Finally, I felt bad for both of them. I told the lady (over dad's "hello?") that he's beginning to be senile and doesn't really understand. If she asks me the question, I can relay it to him so that he understands. In the meantime, Dad's 'hellos' in the background is getting louder.
The lady said, "No, it's okay. Shall I put a note here that your father cannot respond?" I said, yes, please. Now that is one way to cut short a lengthy questionnaire survey.
After I hung up, I had to explain to dad in several different ways what the lady wanted. When I was done, he told me to never give information over the phone. If they want information, they need to come here in person. He concluded, "They are communists trying to get information!"
Then he said "well that means I cant go swimming anymore". It took me a minute to even GET it... :)
There it is - size 32. He's 34. I was so angry. So many times I've hurt my back trying to pull up this pants because it would suddenly stop short of not going up to his waist. I decided to change his pants.
As I was pulling off the pants from his feet, he grunted in pain, and said, "Ouch! My knee hurts!" I was puzzled because the pants was already past his knees so it couldn't be the knee hurting. So, I reached over, wrapped my hand around his right knee and asked, "This knee hurts?" He said yes. I then grabbed his left knee and asked, "This knee hurts?" He said yes.
I asked, "Which one hurts?" He then kicked his ankle on the bed board. I then grabbed his ankle and asked if this hurts? He said yes. I exclaimed, "That's not a knee. That's an ankle." He replied, "Knee, ankle, whatever. They're all the same!"
So, now that we figured his ankle hurts, I was putting on his shoes. He said, "Ouch! My toes hurt!" So, I grabbed his toes, squeezed it, and asked, "Does this hurt." He said yeah, yeah, that hurts. I started massaging his toes, and then down to the bottom of his feet. He was enjoying it so much, he said, "That is good to do when my toes are hurting."
Are you friggin kidding me?
Not necessarily funny, but just goes to show you where their minds are :)
My mother has repeated this story many times throughout the years, but recently there has been added a twist: "Elie and I survived 9/11. It was really scary!"
We were in a hospital at the time :)
I asked him why the man is telling us to slow down. He said that we use to the computer so fast, that we break it. That's why the man said, "Sloooow Dooown." See all those broken computers.
Well folks, she's pushing 80 and Vitin is 27. Need I say more?
If we go into a store and there are hardly any customers, Mom will think the store is going out of business.
Dad recently had some green moss cleaned off one side of the house... he said he bets the next door neighbors are glad he got his house cleaned as they were probably getting tired looking at the moss. Sure, Dad, especially since his next door neighbor has no windows on that side of the house :P
Whenever I drive my parents somewhere and we get out to the main intersection, and there are more than 10 cars waiting at the traffic light on either side, my Dad will say a road must be closed somewhere. Dad doesn't realize that is normal traffic.
Dad asked, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm checking to see if the poop came out."
He said, "Kmart?" with this puzzled look in his face.
I replied, "I said that I'm .. checking.. to ... see ..if ..the..poop...came out. Not Kmart! Do you really think there's Kmart down there in your pamper?"
He looked at me, then he started laughing so hard, muttering, "kmart!"
He replied, "I need Tylenol."
I asked, "Why?"
He replied, "I take all these medicines." (lots of herbal supplements)
I asked, "Why do want to take Tylenol? Are you HURTING?"
He said, "No."
Because he can be stubborn and would keep asking for Tylenol and sis would give it to him, I had to take it a step further.
I said, "If you keep taking Tylenol, it can damage your liver."
He replied, "I can drink lots of water."
I said, "If you keep taking it, and it damages your liver, you will have to go to Dialysis Several Times a Week. And we would have to call the ambulance to take you to the hospital and then back to the house. That's $200.00 each way."
My dad cringed on the $200.00 cost. He replied, "I don't want Tylenol."
My bedridden father exclaimed, "Be careful, you almost knocked me out!"
Such an exaggeration! I couldn't help it. I started laughing so hard.
He said, "That's not funny!" .... which made me laugh harder.
As I continued to laugh, he started laughing too.
Me: "That's nice, but you don't live on a farm."
MIL: "It's just like a farm! I can see cows from my house."
Me: "What are the cows doing?"
MIL: "Listening to NPR."
Me: "Not you, I meant the cows. What are the cows doing?"
MIL: "I just told you that. They're listening to NPR."
As I'm putting Salonpas on my dad's hand, I asked him if the ants are biting him.
He said, No.
I replied, "They bite me because they like me."
He replied, "They bite you because they Don't like you!"
I responded, "Ants do not bite food that they don't like. Since they bit me, that means they like me. Since they don't like you, they don't bite you."
He shot back, "Ants only bite those they don't like."
We ended up laughing hard at the ridiculousness of our one man upmanship.
As he was concluding his prayers, he said, "Give me Liberty or ..." He paused on the next sentence. I was wondering if he would finish the saying "Or give me death." since he's scared of dying.
He finally finished his prayer with: "Or give me Life!"
I automatically replied, "I'm not the one who's talking! You Are!"
(It's now almost 1am, and he's still talking....)