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Mom was reading over her diagnosis from recent time in Hospital." Oh my lord", she said, listen to all they put down here". She started reading off true conditions, and had to spell many because only a profeeial could say them. When she finished,I was laughing.i told her Mom, you should Sue. If you can't say what they about you it's not right. We both had a belly laugh to hard day.
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My dad's end table near his hospital bed has all his cups of drinks. For several years now, it's me against these ants. If it's not one species, then it's another specie. One specie loves the water, the other loves the honey.

Tonight, I was looking at his table. Something seem off. I gasped and exclaimed, "Dad, there's no ants! Where did the ants go?" I then went to the wall where they usually travel. "Nothing! No ants here, either."

Dad replied with a very straight face, "Maybe they went on vacation."
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Mom asked me if I thought her a.m. caregiver was nuts (she kinda is). She was talking down to mom and mom said to her "no sh*t, Dick Tracy!"
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In the medical transportation van with several elderly in wheelchairs- bound for doctor visits- we pulled up to a stop sign and mom blurted out "TURN RIGHT AND LETS GO TO THE CASINO- LETS SKIP THE DOCTORS!". This was met with cheers from otherwise dementia patients who had a moment of clarity. I think this would be a good movie scene :-)
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I am so happy I found this thread it really made me laugh. My mother told me that when she first got into the nursing home there was a cleaning man that would walk down the hall and go into her room and cut a huge fart. He thought she was too ill to notice. My mom told me that she did not say anything for a while and just would giggle after he left. One time my mom called him on it and said 'can you at least say excuse me? 2. On my mother's floor at the nursing home there was a very old woman that would spit on the floor. My mother had enough of that especially in the dinning room and cussed her out in German. I remember my mother telling me about the woman spitting and we laughed until we cried. To this day she will not eat in the dinning room, telling me that the old folks have disgusting eating habits. (My mom's are not the best either.) LOL
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I took Mom to the dentist, yesterday, to get prepared to have some teeth pulled. The dentist was giving her a list of all the bad things that can happen when you get your teeth pulled. It was so long that I think both Mom and I started to lose consciousness by the end of the list.

Mom has been concerned that she can pay for this dental work. So, at the end of the dentist's speech, she looked at the dentist and me and summed it up as, "So, if I get my teeth pulled, I could die? Fine, then I won't have to worry about how I can pay for it!"

She had only a half smile as she said it. :-)
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Mom, who has only long term memory now, was at an outdoor birthday party recently. I introduced her to a very prestigious friend. She said "Oh, I'm sure I've heard so many nice things about you". The guest was totally charmed.
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Mom's been getting more confused about her time sequences lately. Today we were talking about the different homes she's owned, and she said, "The one is Richmond, CA was the only one I ever left dirty. I just didn't have enought time to clean it. I left Steve with a power of attorney to sell it". I said, "Steve who?" She said, "Your brother Steve!" I laughed and said, "But he was, what? 12? when we left there? And she said, no, he was..... uh... 14. Oh, don't mix me up. I like my version" lol
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Me : how are you ?
Mom: I feel better since I'm not cray cray anymore
That was halirous I laughed all day
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Our little island in the Pacific is also getting the Siberian wind. So, it's been so cold - standing outside under the sun. What's more, inside the house with an air con stuck on 71 degrees (I prefer 80). I've been cold all day in the livingroom. I finally couldn't take it and exclaimed, "It's so cold! I can't stand it!"

Dad, who is comfortable in this temperature, his skin warm to the touch, replied calmly, "It's all in your head."

I replied, "Just wait. When it's your turn to complain, I'm going to say that to you."

Hours later, 11pm, my dad exclaimed, "It's so cold!"

I calmly replied, "It's all in your head."

He looked at me, and burst out laughing so hard, stuttering the words, "It's...all.. in ..your...head."
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My mother is telling everyone at Day Care and her HHA that we have dead bodies in our cellar!! She tells them our house use to be a funeral home and we have caskets in our basement also!!

Luckily no one believes her!!

Just waiting for the cops and FBI to show up at my door!! YIKES!!
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Assandy, your mom, too! My dad's been telling people that our house used to be a hotel. (Uhm, we have a one story house with 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom.) Other times, he tell people that our house used to be one of those govt housing projects. Nope. This house was built when I was around age 4 or 5 and surrounded by boonie grass. (Had a great time playing hiding-go-seek and cowboys-indians in there!)
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Have you ever had one of those days when just the sound of your name or the beginning of another request just makes your blood pressure skyrocketed? My dad just started to make a sound of another request, when I cut him off.

I quickly said, "I'm not home."
He asked, "you're not?"
I replied like an answering machine, "I'm not home, but I will be back in 15 minutes,"
He took it good naturedly and laughed as I walked out of the livingroom to go to my bedroom.
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Getting Mom ready for bed last night, my pup ran past with my sock in her mouth. I yelled, "hey leave my socks alone!", chased her down and took it away. Well, this happened 3 times in a row - it's amusing to me and I don't get mad about it. I laughed and said to Mom "she really likes my socks!" when I see her scurrying past with the same sock I just took away, so I yell out "stop taking my socks!"
Mom: what thoughts did they take?
Me: what are you talking about, ma?
Mom: you said they were stealing your thoughts. What thoughts were you thinking that they stole?
Me: whaaat? No, Ma...I said socks. She keeps taking my socks.
Mom (to all the dogs): stop stealing her socks! You're confusing both of us!
Hahahaha!
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My dad said, "My nose is hurting! This is bad. I'm going to put on my eye glass."

Huh? What's the connection with the eye glass helping his hurting nose?
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Mama has been hallucinating for a while due to a severe UTI but she is finally getting over it ..praise God...last night, I was sitting in there beside her laughing and cutting up....too much info here, but at one point, I had tooted....she started laughing....in a little while she said...."I let one and we're all guilty"......then she started laughing....just cracked me up...
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I baked cookies over the weekend and Mom is obsessed with eating them. I've been hiding them for a few hours at a time, just to make them last a bit and to keep her from really gorging on them. She's really just eating them to clean out the container, at this point, more than actually enjoying them.

Yesterday, she had a doctor's appointment and her important question for her doctor was whether it's her life and she should be able to eat cookies and enjoy herself. Her doctor gave a thoughtful answer about how everyone except diabetics probably should be allowed to enjoy a few cookies and that even diabetics should get to cheat a bit if they're careful - that everyone should be allowed a little job in this regard.

Mom persisted and I just sat there, quietly, until the doctor figured something was up and asked how often Mom wanted to eat cookies and when she started admitting to eating cookies at lunch, supper, as a snack, in-between meals, sometimes when she walked by, etc..., the doctor and I both just chuckled a bit.

She really thinks I'm depriving her. I thought it was funny.
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This past Christmas I went to the Christmas party they were having at my mom's assisted living facility. They had live music - a cello and violin. During one of the classical songs, mom all of a sudden said "It sounds like we're on the Titanic!". I laugh everytime I think of that.
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I found a pound of ham in mother's purse this morning. She told me that she did not put it there....... yeah, right. most people have burglars who break in and move the ham......
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My mother lives in a nursing home and she told me that when she woke up there were 3 people in the bed next to her with no pants on. She then asked me what kind of place did you put me in? I told her a very cool liberal place. I asked my mom again to tell me what she saw and this time she said she thought it was a dream.
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Book, I just had to reply to your post about not being home, like an answering machine responding to your Dad's requests. I SO get that! This morning was one of those for me. Everything was annoying the crap out of me this morning - my pet birds almost bit the dust because their chirping was driving me insane. (Kidding, of course, I'd never hurt them, but even their normally pleasant chirping was like nails on a chalkboard this morning!) Mom's request for me to "wake me when you make breakfast" just set me right over the edge. Then, when I made something very nice for her, she ate it, then proclaimed she didn't like it! Then it was good....then it was just not her thing...then it was ok...then it was really good...then she really didn't like it. She changed her mind about 10 times in the space of 5 minutes - but this was AFTER she ate the darn thing!

Dof4 - oh my gosh....I can't even imagine what your mom must have been thinking!! Poor thing - can you imagine thinking you had 3 people in bed with you with no pants on? LOL

EndOfRope - Right there with you on that one, too! Ham in the purse. My grandmother, in the throes of serious dementia coupled with mental illness, once told us a long, drawn-out story about people that put a ladder on the porch roof to reach the attic window (2 stories above the porch roof, which would collapse if anyone stood on it), entered the attic (she had nailed the windows shut), came down the attic stairs and out the attic door to the 2nd floor (door was deadbolted and had a 100-lb steamer trunk in front of it), came downstairs to the kitchen, took meat out of the (locked) freezer, cooked and ate it, washed the dishes (seriously?) and then put them away.
The reason for the whole story? She had misplaced her favorite skillet and couldn't find it - so therefore, in her mind, someone else must have broken into the house and hidden it on her. She used to blame it all on my grandfather, but when he died, then it was "them" or "they" that did everything.
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Haha! Mom was so funny the other morning. Morning caregiver has been baby talking to her, talking down to mom. It irritates my mom so much. The other morning when I was getting ready to leave for work, like every other morning, I gave my mom a kiss and told her I would see her later today. She whispered in my ear "take her with you!" Took everything I had not to laugh out loud.
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On one of my visits with mom (90 years old) my mom told my daughter and I that my husband, my daughter's dad was after her and keeps giving her the 'eye'. My daughter thought my mom was kidding and started to laugh but mom was serious, which made it even funnier. Later while playing BINGO at the nursing home mom looks at me and says 'Does your husband look good naked?' and I said yes mom he looks real good then she said oh that is nice. The other residents that heard this were laughing so hard they could hardly breathe.
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endofrope, I cannot stop laughing! Every time I think about it, I crack up!
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Oh my gosh, Dof4! I can just about imagine the other residents' reactions to that one....

There was a lady that was in the nursing home with dad when his kidney first failed about 15 years ago, who was .....well, she was a character. That's really all I can say. She used to push her walker around the nursing home, insulting people and swearing at them, spitting food (or just saliva) at them if she could get close enough, etc. She walked into Dad's room one day and said, "you're FAT!" - Dad was a large man - he fired right back, "I may be fat, but you're UGLY - and I can go on a diet! What are you gonna do??" LOL

This same woman came into the activities room when they were having music by a special group that came in, and some of the nurses/orderlies were dancing with the residents that were able to dance. This woman walked up to one of the male orderlies and demanded that he dance with her, so he did. She seemed to really be enjoying it, until she stopped, backed away with a sly grin on her face and said (loud enough for the whole room to hear), "YOU'VE GOT A BONER!" - the poor orderly blushed and said he'd never dance with her again, then left the room.

We think she may have been a prostitute or burlesque queen in her younger days. LOL
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SusanA43, Your story made me laugh so hard it brought tears to my eyes. My mother would have said something like the woman at your dads NH. Your dad had a quick wit about him getting back at that woman so fast.
The real funny thing about my mom is that she was raised in a very conservative household so to hear her talk like she does now is double funny. I'm sure people would think she was a burlesque queen at some point. My mother was a very conservative woman, she was a language interpreter, she spoke 9 languages and was prudish in many ways.

My mom has embarrassed the orderlies and nurses many times but they have grown to love and respect her. I think that she can not embarrass them anymore because when she tries they just laugh and say 'I see you are having a good day today'. Back in the day my mother was too reserved or shy to talk with men now if she thinks one is half way good looking she will get right to it and tell him so. I am just glad she is nice to people and tells them things to make them feel better. Sometimes my mom says rude things but not very often or I remind her that it only makes her life harder.

SusanA43 Thanks for sharing your story. It gave me a huge laugh and lifted my spirits. It has been cold, rainy and miserable so I really needed this today.
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You're welcome, Dof4! I'm so glad we can share these little funnies and lift each others' spirits. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart and some days it just flat out stinks to be a caregiver. Knowing I made your day better made my day better as well!
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I love this thread!
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When dad was in hospital last time he told the nurse she looked familiar. She couldn't figure out why and he said,"Im a nude dancer and U visit me often!" 😂😂😂 I was like omg
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Too funny! This has reminded my of my DDFIL. He once told the DON that he was planning to buy the nursing home and turn it into a "swingers club".
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