You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
My ex-husband's parents moved in with us when his father was dying of cancer and in his last months. His cancer and COPD from years of smoking led to anoxia (lack of oxygen to the brain), which caused some very odd personality shifts and strange things to come to his mind.
A few of the conversations we had with him - I was his favorite target:
D: Why did you marry (ex's name here)?
Me: Because I love him, Daddy.
D: (Looking at me with an evil glare and rubbing his fingers together in the universal symbol for money) You love GREENBACKS!
Me: (laughing out loud) Daddy, that's like saying I married him for his big you-know-what!!
D: .....(stunned silence).....
D: (shaking his crooked, arthritic finger at me) I know what you did!
Me: What's that Daddy?
D: You put a spell on (his wife's name here) - and now she won't listen to me! You're a witch!
Me: No, I'm not, Daddy.
D: Yes you are! You go take that spell off her, and we'll be ok again.
Me: (humoring him) Ok, Daddy. I'll go do that very thing right now.
(I go out to the kitchen, where my MIL is sitting at the table)
Me: Hey Momma! BOOGADABOOGADABOO!
Momma: What in the world??
Me: Just taking the spell off you. Be right back.
(I go back to the bedroom)
Me: Daddy, I took the spell off Momma for you.
D: Ok. Come give me a hug. I love you.
And on one of his *really* bad days, when I was sick with strep throat and my MIL offered to walk my daughter the 2 blocks to school so I wouldn't have to get out while I was sick....
D: (yelling from his room to mine) Where's my wife!! What did you do with her! Where's my wife! Dammit, I know you're hiding her from me!
Me: Daddy, calm down. She just walked (daughter's name) to school. She'll be back in a bit.
D: No she won't! You let her run away! She's always wanted to run away! If I knew what was in your head this morning, I'd have put a bullet there instead of a brain!!
Me: ....(click) as I lock my bedroom door .....and retreat to the far end of the room.
BTW I am loving this thread!
It took every bone in my body not to shout, "Welcome to my world, lady!!"
Couldn't help but notice the PT had his face pressed to his clipboard to stifle the grin/chuckle.....
MY MOTHER! I'll never live that down.She spent all day shooting me dirty looks,calling friends.One came over to see about her. This is while I was washing clothes, vacuuming, dusting. New day today. I slept on a unmanned,un made bed.lol, spell check. And I still need shower! 1st generation of Seniors taking care of Seniors.
I mentioned to dad about the 4 ants biting me today and yet he has no ants on him. I concluded teasingly, "The ants only bite ME because I'm Sweet to them."
He thinks about it. Then says, "No. The ants that bit you are MEN, not women."
Yesterday, as usual, she wasn't using it, but I asked if she wanted to practice with it and she said she would. She walked around the house with it, keeping her body in the middle and her posture good. Eventually, she got to me and asked if she could stop. I told her that was a good practice session, for now, and to go ahead and stop.
So, she left the walker in the middle of the room and walked back to the other room to sit and watch TV. Kind of defeated the purpose...
The Holly Bibble. (not a typo, say it out loud, H.O.L.L.Y. B.I. B.B.L.E.)
Every day at mealtime, lately, my mother has seemed distracted. Finally, she asked me to pick-up a card that I had on my place mat. It was the instructions for a Drive brand walker. I handed it to her.
"Wow, what a relief," she says. "Every day I've been looking at that [upside down] and thought it was 'D-n-v-e' and couldn't figure out what kind of word that was!" If you look at the Drive logo, the "r" and "i" together do look like an "n" especially from upside down, but it took her days to ask to see it right side up.
It was kind of cute, actually, and I'm glad she felt so relieved.
I put my hands on my hips, stared at the floor, and said loudly, "The floor is wet! Who spilled on the floor?!"
He gave this guilty laugh, replied, "I don't know. Someone is doing it!"
He complained, "They didn't come today because it's a holiday. They didn't come last Friday."
I said softly, teasing him, "Eew! You stinky!"
He laughed so hard, at the same time trying to say it's not his fault.
I wish I could put puppy pads on the floor in front of mom's bed. She routinely waits too long to go to the bathroom, and if I don't remind her, she'll lay down to sleep without going, and then when she gets up, it's like a dam bursting and there's a puddle on the floor. I did buy a new bathroom rug the other day...I guess I'll try that - but she has such a tendency to trip on things that I worry about rugs. But I've got to do something - I'm constantly wiping urine off the floor. I fear one day I'll take the finish right off the hardwood floor with all this wiping and cleaning!