You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
And discovering these large type books has been so exciting that she is telling absolutely everyone she meets, "Do you know, there are these large type books that are now available. I have to tell you about them. They're just wonderful!"
Yesterday morning, I was watching the Food Network channel. Each hour was a different cook. On the 3rd cooking show, my dad said, "She's a hard working woman. She's been cooking all this time." I looked up at the TV, the first two cooks were brunette (Giada and then Rachel Rae). This 3rd one was a bigger woman - with blonde hair. Okaaaaay....
Dad asked worriedly, "What's going?"
I responded, "Huh?"
He replied while nodding towards the TV, "What's going on? It's showing the military all the time!"
Oops... I quickly turned the channel.
He insists that he is Not gaining weight. Even though most of his slacks no longer close. I now have to tie a string from the belt loop to the opposite belt loop. He is not gaining weight. That his stomach is bloating from the prostate.
This morning, his regular MED/SMALL Depend seemed a bit small. I kept trying to adjust the butt area to ensure it covers him completely so no accidents seep out. He was watching me trying to pull it this way and that, lift up, turn, etc...
He muttered complaining, "They're making these pampers smaller.".... ?!?!
She said, "I know something is going on with my family, but no one will tell me what it is. I wish they would tell me what it is, so I would know what I'm worrying about."
She and I shared a laugh, but, at the same time, I thought this was quite profound.
I really do miss the Sears, the Montgomery Wards, and the J.C. Penney's catalogs. It was so easy to find things.
So, we're watching TV. Then the commercial comes on. Dad suddenly exclaims angrily, "Why do they put it in the TV! How are we going to buy it!? They don't even give a phone number or an address!"
I automatically replied, "I'm not the one who's talking! You Are!"
(It's now almost 1am, and he's still talking....)
As he was concluding his prayers, he said, "Give me Liberty or ..." He paused on the next sentence. I was wondering if he would finish the saying "Or give me death." since he's scared of dying.
He finally finished his prayer with: "Or give me Life!"
As I'm putting Salonpas on my dad's hand, I asked him if the ants are biting him.
He said, No.
I replied, "They bite me because they like me."
He replied, "They bite you because they Don't like you!"
I responded, "Ants do not bite food that they don't like. Since they bit me, that means they like me. Since they don't like you, they don't bite you."
He shot back, "Ants only bite those they don't like."
We ended up laughing hard at the ridiculousness of our one man upmanship.
Me: "That's nice, but you don't live on a farm."
MIL: "It's just like a farm! I can see cows from my house."
Me: "What are the cows doing?"
MIL: "Listening to NPR."
Me: "Not you, I meant the cows. What are the cows doing?"
MIL: "I just told you that. They're listening to NPR."
My bedridden father exclaimed, "Be careful, you almost knocked me out!"
Such an exaggeration! I couldn't help it. I started laughing so hard.
He said, "That's not funny!" .... which made me laugh harder.
As I continued to laugh, he started laughing too.
He replied, "I need Tylenol."
I asked, "Why?"
He replied, "I take all these medicines." (lots of herbal supplements)
I asked, "Why do want to take Tylenol? Are you HURTING?"
He said, "No."
Because he can be stubborn and would keep asking for Tylenol and sis would give it to him, I had to take it a step further.
I said, "If you keep taking Tylenol, it can damage your liver."
He replied, "I can drink lots of water."
I said, "If you keep taking it, and it damages your liver, you will have to go to Dialysis Several Times a Week. And we would have to call the ambulance to take you to the hospital and then back to the house. That's $200.00 each way."
My dad cringed on the $200.00 cost. He replied, "I don't want Tylenol."
Dad asked, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm checking to see if the poop came out."
He said, "Kmart?" with this puzzled look in his face.
I replied, "I said that I'm .. checking.. to ... see ..if ..the..poop...came out. Not Kmart! Do you really think there's Kmart down there in your pamper?"
He looked at me, then he started laughing so hard, muttering, "kmart!"
If we go into a store and there are hardly any customers, Mom will think the store is going out of business.
Dad recently had some green moss cleaned off one side of the house... he said he bets the next door neighbors are glad he got his house cleaned as they were probably getting tired looking at the moss. Sure, Dad, especially since his next door neighbor has no windows on that side of the house :P
Whenever I drive my parents somewhere and we get out to the main intersection, and there are more than 10 cars waiting at the traffic light on either side, my Dad will say a road must be closed somewhere. Dad doesn't realize that is normal traffic.
Well folks, she's pushing 80 and Vitin is 27. Need I say more?
I asked him why the man is telling us to slow down. He said that we use to the computer so fast, that we break it. That's why the man said, "Sloooow Dooown." See all those broken computers.