You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
Then one day, he found the problem:
"I know why I cannot sleep at night. It's because my eyes are wide open."
The next day, she came to me all excited, but a little confused. She said that my dad had stopped by that same pool table and, "He didn't play like we did. He used a looooong stick."
Dad "What's that"
me " Peg is coming at 4"
Dad What's that"
me louder "Peg is coming at 4"
Dad "I can't hear you"
me louder still" Peg is coming at 4"
Dad "stop shouting at me"
My Mom then informed our friend that SHE invented the term ! We laughed a while on that one.
My Mom , who has vascular dementia from a brain stem stroke and can barely talk now, surprised me last month while on vacation. We were listening to music and I asked her who her favorite musician was -not really thinking she could give me a very good answer but hoping anyway-- and , no kidding, she whispered Pat Benetar!! I almost spit my beer out! I love Pat!!! I high fived her - and she me- I think it is because she used to Jazzercise a lot in the 80's and 90's! But after all these years I still learn something new about my Mom. "She's a real tough cookie with a long history......"hee hee
Miss you and love you, dad.
We were at her assisted living place, and she never had any idea what was on TV unless it was Andy Griffith or Murder She Wrote. She was always trying to find "Andy of Mayberry", even if it was 4 in the morning and she had on the Spanish channel.
One day we were over there, and a Viagra commercial was on. It was a happy couple running around on the beach and all of that. And of course, the announcer was talking about erections lasting more than 4 hours...
She said, "Well I don't know what I've got on the TV here. Oh! This must be the basketball game!"
So now every time I see a viagra commercial, I say, "Oh, the basketball game is on!"
Another time, we watched M*A*S*H over there, and my grandma said, "Oh, this is that awful show with that man who dresses like a lady! I've always hated this show!" But then a few minutes later, she was enjoying it immensely.
We came to her house to find her packing so she could "get on the train". She had filled her suitcase with important things like underwear and... more underwear... and then... all her underwear. The entire drawer's worth of underwear. And a quart of milk.
And then a few minutes later, she looked right at me and said, "Are there (Japanese people) in my kitchen?!" Of course she did not say "Japanese people", she used a different term. She was livid. She was going to tell those people to get out of her kitchen! We assured her that that wouldn't be necessary... I'm not sure she believed us.
She also once told us this amazing story about her "friend", Jenny, who as far as I know didn't exist. "Jenny" apparently tried to climb a tree, "but they shot her. I saw it, right out this window. I spoke at her funeral, we just had it a little while ago in the dining room." No matter how many times we went to see her, she was always happy to tell us about Jenny and her funeral that had just happened that same day.
Yesterday, I told her my ( absent, non participative, selfish) sister and (helpless except to light the cigarette and open the can of beer) brother would each be coming to town for a visit and won't that be nice? She got an indignant look on her face--which is also difficult for her to do now-- and roared, in her inimitable Leo fashion : NO!! Heaved a big sigh, closed her eyes and let me continue feeding her a nice fresh peach.
Ah, it is more ironic than funny, but satisfying, doncha think?
Another instance overheard between mom & pop in law..... dad: look out the window.
Mom: WHAT?
Dad: It looks like sleet.
Mom: What?
Dad: (he spells it) S L E E E T. Sleet!
MOM: You spell sleet S L E E T. That's how it's spelled. Why do you want to know? (She has not looked out the window)
BTW- I just now saw your suggestion--"My ostrich does not rap". HAHAHAHAHA I guess that could be it because I doubt that , were she to have an ostrich, it would, indeed, not rap!
I did not ask her what she meant because she is a bit sensitive about her decrease in mental capabilities. She understands that she is losing skills and she hates it. --sorry not funny, I know. Not funny at all. But my ostrich does not rap is!!!! :0)
"Yuh," MIL replied, "open this door if you would and throw a handful of (male body part)'s out onto the deck for the squirrels."
Not sure she heard correctly, the hairdresser leaned in a little closer and said, "I'm sorry...a handful of what?"
"(male body parts)!" said MIL. "There on the table...in the bag."
The hairdresser looked where MIL was pointing. "Oh!...PEANUTS!!"
Now whether MIL was actually using the incorrect word (which she does sometimes) or just not enunciating clearly we'll never know, but it sure rocked the hairdresser back on her heels for a few seconds!
Liking the funny stories on here. My mom sent me an email it said-" my outrich does not wrap". any ideas anyone?
Fast forward to present: she took another tumble yesterday morning, from her wheelchair this time. She insisted she was fine and continued on with her day, but by suppertime she was beginning to show signs of discomfort. By this morning she was in pain - so much that she couldn't even sit up. She asked if I thought she might have gone and broken her other hip. I told her the only way to find out for sure was to get it x-rayed, but she'd be wise to prepare herself for that possibility. She sighed heavily, thought for a few seconds, then said. "Well Tyler will be happy to find out his great-gram is antibiotic." :0
Good news - her x-rays revealed no broken bones. Bad news (for her) - the doctor wanted to keep her overnight...hinted at a possible few days in rehab as well. Best news - hubby and I get a brief respite! :)))