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dear bundle of joy,

listen to me. here’s the advice i give to you.

sincerely,
bundle of joy

1. your life is your responsibility.

do not burden yourself by taking on responsibilities that are not yours. focus on being responsible for yourself first. 

2. the way someone treats you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves.

that cross look? not about you. that snide comment? not about you. that temper tantrum? not about you. 

3. just keep going. no matter what. you have your dreams. go for them! :)
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"Remember back when you lived on energy shots 24/7? Yeah, it's more of that, but this time with slightly more takeout food being ordered."
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Figure out how to get help. Stay healthy mentally and physically. Find time for yourself. Learn to be patient. Life takes you on a curvy unpredictable path with caregiving. Connect with other caregivers. Live life for the moment. There will be dark times, but there will also be heartwarming times full of love.
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Be kind to yourself. Encourage yourself.

Actually, I’ll repeat what I wrote here in April 2022:

Save yourself, then save others.
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People will try to guilt you into believing that Marge was "just fine" before she was placed in a facility, and the facility itself is the cause of Marge's now noticeable decline. However, reality is that Marge's decline came FIRST - which is what made facility placement NECESSARY.
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Don’t fret over her budget, it’s not going to make a difference in the end…
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Once they’re in the nursing home. Don’t let guilt make you take them out. You will resent it for the rest of your life.
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If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself:

Your mother (abusive) will cause you much more trouble than you could ever imagine. Right now you think, she’ll never lie about you. Wrong. She’ll lie about you, and try to destroy your life: not just abuse you (that’s bad enough), but try to cause lots of trouble for you.

You think you’ve got it bad now? It’ll get worse. She’ll try to DESTROY you.
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I would say:
Woman, before you do this, research and research and interview other caregivers and nursing home caregivers and know ALL that is or could be involved!
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You have to take care of yourself too. Take a little time out for yourself. Spend time at the gym, call a friend for lunch, or join a support group.
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Get a big supportive network for self and loved one. You will need lots of info and advice-- legal, financial, about facilties, medical, caregivers, respite care. Make sure all finances are in place- POA, medical POA, wills, trusts, medical insurances, living wills, advance directives
Your mental and physical health are also of critical importance and sometimes get pushed to the side as you try to cope. Make them a priority as well.
Love them while you can and also yourself
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It is a marathon, not a sprint.
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Don't. Just don't.
If you have a good relationship with your parent, caregiving will destroy it.
If you don't have a good relationship, they will heap on more abuse than ever before.
It's just not worth it.
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Don't start doing it alone. Get help from the very beginning, otherwise as the time passes, you will be so immersed in it, when you finally realize you cannot do it alone, you'll almost forget how to ask for help, will feel stuck, trapped and will be burned out!
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@bundleofjoy

Absolutely a senior brat will sabotage and steal your time. Most of them will do both of these things and a whole lot more.
The senior brat enjoys being the center of the chaos and discord they create. They also love to play abusive games.
My mother is the ultimate senior brat and gets put in her place all the time. She knows that I do not play games and will not tolerate her nonsense, instigating, or abuse.
A couple of weeks ago my former in-laws came over for dinner with my ex-husband. I always loved them and haven't seen them in a while since I've reconciled with their son. I wanted to do something nice or them. I wanted to do something nice for my mother too. People rarely call or visit her because they don't want to deal with her instigating and fight-picking. I warned her that if she so much as mentions anything the slightest bit "political" or even remotely resembling a "hot button" issue of any kind that she will be very sorry. This is one of her games. She'll indirectly pick a fight and insult people by thinly veiling her verbal abuse in politics or some hot button issue that people can't agree on.
I could see her trying to start a little bit with them, and told her plainly that either she stopped instigating or we would all leave and she could sit there alone watching cable news like she does every day. This embarrassed her and rightly so because she had it coming. She stopped trying to instigate with my in-laws though.
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i like BurntCaregiver’s concept “senior brat”. i had never heard that before.

if i could go back in time, i would give myself the following warning:

1. senior brats will intentionally make everything much harder for you. they will SABOTAGE your efforts. they will STEAL YOUR TIME. you’ll get older, more stressed: an easy problem will take months of your life to solve.

they love the “power” position they’re in. they have you in their hands…possibly all the way until they die.
:(
:(

they know: you’re doomed if you help (because you’ll have to deal with their brattiness)…

…and you’re doomed if you don’t help (because you don’t want to be a bad person, abandoning).

2. hence be prepared. you’ve now been warned. the brat will intentionally make things very hard for you.
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Cover999, so true.
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I’m writing this message not to go back in time, but to my future self (one year from now):

Hey girl, it’s now September 2023. I hope you made great changes to your life. Please write back and confirm you freed yourself. You’re thriving. Life’s so much better. You didn’t waste your life. You didn’t let anyone down you. You’re shining. Happy.
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You see how people truly are when a loved one is sick.
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“No good deed goes unpunished”
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Your heart is going to hurt worse than your back.
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Your heart is going to hurt worse than you back.
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bundle of joy, don’t let this be you:

🥺
“There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.”
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Not everything can be fixed, no matter how hard you try.
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“You are one person, and cannot fix all that is broken.” Breathe.
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I’m the OP. I originally wrote:
Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.

Well, I totally failed. Anyway, if I could go back in time, I’d say:
Don’t worry about “failing”. You’ll make it, just get up and try again.
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1. Prioritize your own health and wellness
2. Prioritize the health and wellness of your partner and children
3. Identify your values and behave accordingly
4. Be in the present as you cannot go back nor control the future
5. Take one step at a time
6. Obtain legal support to ensure there are health directives, power of attorney, and will in order
7. Find some joy and protect your joy
8. Seek support
9. Understand that caregivers are at risk of poor health
10. Try to establish a schedule of self care and respite
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My younger sibling retired to become my parent's primary caregiver (for which he's being paid by the state so they can live in their home). He did it to keep them from being placed in nursing home-both are considered skilled nursing. I do wonder if he knew back then ofn what he's experiencing now, would he make the same decision.
He's a much better person than I could ever be. I could care maybe one but not both.
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Learn your limits, don’t be afraid to say No. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and be specific about what you want the other person to do.
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Run like HE-double-toothpicks and don't look back! Take your husband and child and be so far away that no one else can find you.
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