My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Well Fligirl, I thought it was the correct Tuesday also. Gonna try it again today. This time it's AD support group. I wonder what this will be like. Anything to get out of the house today. Mom is in a pissy mood and blaming me for the cars driving by. "Oh, I bet you're happy you put me in this position, aren't you"? I made the BIG mistake of putting on Fox News to listen to the Ebola news.... never again. Ah blah.... blah blah blah day.

Gad you are feeling a bit more chipper hope. Nothing wrong with being able to take care of yourself. I've had the same problem as you.... "why did you do it, you knew I was going to do it"?, well ... if I waited on everyone to do it for me, nothing would be done.

Think I shall check out that Glen Campbell song :) Thank you for sharing it... also, I never knew he had AD :(

FF...yep, I am amazed at how many men I know who cannot fix anything. I can at least fix something long enough to get better help (if even necessary..I can usually fix it right, period)....BUT I do not like to mess with electricity because of the danger element....but anything else I will and have tackled....and Mama was right..being so handy has apparently made me unappealing to most of the men I know...they tell me all the time I think I am better than they are...they say it in a joking manner, but I don't think they are joking....

Today has been much better than yesterday...except animal control came to check on why the neighbor's dogs are running loose. So guess I'll go back to the hardware store and buy more stuff to fix a new section of the fence that the neighbor can't seem to get right....I have made sure she's not escaping through the former corner opening...I made dang sure that is secure...the neighbor put a rock...yes a rock...at the other opening...ugh.

Saw a piece on Glen Campbell this morning and the song he wrote about his Alzheimers back when he was first diagnosed...It was so heart stirring. Of course I had to pull it up on Youtube and the title is I'm Not Gonna Miss You...listening to it kind of brought it home to me (as if anything needed to...but did make me have a good dose of reality) that Mama loves me, it is just this dreaded disease that is/has taken her from us too soon....we are having a better day...I am thankful...

I meant I thought that this was the correct Tuesday

Jeannette I did the same thing yesterday I put makeup on. Asked the companion to come a bit later so I could go to a support group. I called and it is next Tuesday I thought this was the first guess at. I was so depressed because i am falling into another one again and I cannot make next weeks because I have an eye doctors appointment big sigh

hope22, your Mom was so right about doing outside chores or fixing things in the house, that you would wind up doing it the rest of your life.

My sig other can't figure out how to open up the tool box :P I can't blame him, I blame his Dad for not showing him how to fix things.

Rehab nursing homes are great! We had a wonderful one in the town where I used to live. Not so much here, ours are geared towards basic long term NH care. So glad Edna is happy...and glad you got a great nights sleep captain

man. i just woke up feeling better than i have in years . no muscle burn or sense of dread . probably because ive only been nibbling the zans for the purpose they were made for -- unwinding for a sound , uninterrupted nights sleep . maybe thats why the bottle says " as needed " . i recently read that abusing them recreationaly and in generous doses like ive always done , is the worst case scenario for skewing the gabba chemical in the brain . so , ive been overmedicating for 2 weeks a month then physically agitated for the remaining couple of weeks . stress annoys all the organs but especially the liver . then worry about the liver discomfort causes additional stress . ill have to email va phsyc doc / cuteass l*don and tell her what ive learned ( the hard way of course ) . it isnt as tho she didnt warn me 6 yrs ago .
edna loves my over the cab tool box design . shes always loved the little truck . she was in wonderful form yesterday . no physical complaints at all and chuckling and teasing everyone she came in contact with . nh is doing a great job of monitoring her physical health . she was so neglected at IL by her daughter that nh is no doubt the better situation for her . more interaction with nice people . now that shes acclimated it would only take the suggestion from nh to pia and her and i would probably be allowed out for drives again . im glad ive refrained from questioning them much . their facility specializes in rehab -- not just your average nh ..

captain..yep, you're right...that Mother/Son bond is indestructible...as is the Daddy/ Daughter one...I have always known that was a huge part of it...but the last three years of having to be here non stop, no relief, no help and all he has to do is make an appearance...right or wrong it eats at me....Jeanette...Daddy and I were always really close and I was also considered more of a man than my brother was I think. I always had to handle all the stuff when it came down to it...My brother was the surfer looking type that all the ladies went crazy over....I wasn't a dog but I was too busy handling things that I didn't have a lot of time for "prettying up"....while he was busy being a lifeguard with his entourage, I was at home cutting down trees, hauling timber and mowing lawns....one of my Daddy's friends told him and me one day when he was visiting that he always thought something went haywire with us because I should have been the man...I always kind of liked that because I knew what he meant...but I remember Mama telling me all those years ago to not be doing all that kind of stuff because I would end up spending my life doing it...and how prophetic those words were....I feel like I have been old my entire life. And therein lies the anger and resentment I am feeling now....

You are correct Cap, about that mother/son bond. Myself and my son have it. It skipped all 3 of mom's sons. huh? How does that happen?

Traditionally men were like that, again, what the h*ll happened to my 3 older brothers? I swear at times I am more man than they ever were. I don't have time for silliness... nor stupid.. Not sure I'd drag it through the hole and eat it though.... BUT... when daddy built the foundation here in oregon, he dug up some rattle snakes..... tastes like chicken ;)

hope,
i know dam well theres a special kind of mother / son bond . i cant explain it but ive seen it many times . as a kid i would oft daydream about being my mothers protector some day ( or aunt edna , or a motherly science teacher i had ) . every man in my lifes' heads could have exploded " scanners " style and i couldnt have cared less .
my sisters thought that my dad was the s*it and still do to this day . my mom figured my oldest sis would be her bedside nurse some day but wanted me to maintain control financially and in the home . traditionally men were the figures of authority in a family . werent we threatened as kids " wait till your dad gets home " ? edna relies on her daughter for things like household / clothing needs but if there was a velocoraptor kickin in the ceiling shed want me to do battle with it . i cant spell it but id drag it in thru the hole in the roof and wed butcher and eat it .

Country..lol...glad I was of some help to someone today...yesterday was such a great day for a change and then this morning, once all the teeth grinding started and I do try to keep her from doing it but the more I said the more determined she got to grind them and it is like something in my head snapped...and all of a sudden all those emotions came flowing in...the intentions were there...good ones...but they gave way to that all of a sudden nap out of the blue and I woke up feeling so disoriented. I am guessing the freecell thing is similar to that dastardly candy crush....and that keeps me up late at night when my mind won't rest and I don't know what to do with myself...so I entertain myself with these mindless pointless games...

FF...oddly my brother does look like my Daddy. I know my grandmother thought he was her husband...maybe he is just God's gift to women..lol...I don't know but she just perks right up whenever he calls...she is happy, talkative...almost like normal...then just back to the same old stare after he hangs up...I am now in that small window where I actually have a few moments of putting my feet up and relaxing for a bit...so maybe I'll light a candle and pretend I am happy.

I have got to get to the doctor ...I keep meaning to make the call and keep getting sidetracked. It is like I can't remember to do anything...so much in my head I can't remember any of it...I know I have got to get some help because this thought process is so debilitating...

The spiders are horrid. I hate killing anything and at first I was getting them with Mama's grabber and chunking them over the deck rail...but now I just squish them...I'm sorry but they are terrifying to me. We have a ton of those Daddy long legs ones too but those I don't mind. I just pick them up and throw them outside...they don't scare me but these ones are almost tarantula in appearance and they are sending me over the edge...

I know today's downhill direction is all on me...the teeth grinding set me off strangely enough, maybe because it almost appeared she did it because she knew how much it was annoying me and just kept getting worse and worse...I don't think she has said two words to me all day.

My brother and I have a strange dynamic. I love him..but he has always been one of those people that everyone loved immediately...so he always got away with everything...was always breaking the rules growing up and never getting into trouble. I lived somewhat at the foot of the cross, never crossed my parents, always did what and as I was supposed to do..and they always loved him...and told me why couldn't I be more like him. I never got it...never understood it...I think sometimes I am jealous of him, sometimes I am just angry at him...because he never had to be responsible for anything in his life..he got bailed out so many times I can't count them all.....I never asked for stuff and I sure as heck didn't get it handed to me...but even now, he is the chosen one...it is all so confusing...and will never be different I know...the only thing I can do is make my mind set that I am a good person and I do the best I can. And if others don't like me that is their problem not mine...I sure don't see anyone else here doing anything...

I really want to thank you all today for taking a moment to respond...I really don't know what I'd do without you all... God bless.. (((((hugs to all))))

hope, if only you knew how normal you are... or, least I think so :) October 16th wil be two years for me. Clinically insane? What is that? You have to be a bit touched be it good or bad to do this.

What happened to your dr visit to address the depression/anxiety? You cannot take, or keep taking care of mama and not take care of you. Hey! I slapped some makeup on today also!! Thought I was going to a caretakers group meeting... hmph! they did not update their website, it is now 2nd Tuesday of the month. good news, AD meeting is tomorrow. I was so bummed.... came home an hour early, convinced Lisa (mom's caretaker) to take a long country ride to the river and watch the dogs swim... d*mn shame I'm paying for company now. Oh well.

It does us no good to reflect on the future like that. Been there, reflected. Did not like it, will not accept it.

Spiders? those are one of the only critters I will squish. I do not invade their home, all I ask is they stay the hell out of mine. Which includes the shower drain :/ On a side note, mom can spot a black spider on the ceiling from a long way away! Ha! Her vision is fine... it's her mind that's gone to the... web?

Hope22, I know this will probably sound totally off the wall, no offense, but I was just wondering if your brother resembles your Dad, sounds like him, same laugh, etc. Because your Mom has memory issues, maybe, just maybe, your Mom might be thinking she is talking to her husband instead of her son.

You know it is the strangest thing...tonight my brother called back and I let him talk to Mama, just put on the speaker and she talks to him that way...and I mean she SPEAKS TO HIM...She laughs, she talks, he talks...just like it has always been, she loves him...she does not love me...all she does is stare at me...I have tried everything on this earth to keep her entertained..dancing, singing, cutting up, trying to make her laugh...but all he has to do is show up and it is like nothing has ever changed...and then I hang up and she's back to staring , staring at me...It hurts...and it hurts badly....for some reason, all that has ever mattered to her was that he was set for life...never seemed to matter that I was ok...and so now I am not ok....and the resentment grows...I know something is off in my head...but something hurts worse in my heart...because it has always been this way....I know she loves me...but not like she does him...

Hope, you're depressed.

Aside: there's an exchange in Fawlty Towers, one of the best-ever UK sitcoms, co-written by John Cleese and Connie Booth, where Basil Fawlty goes off on one of his rants and imagines his wife Sybil being a contestant on Mastermind - "our next contender is Sybil Fawlty, Specialist Subject - The Bleedin' Obvious!" - so, anyway, it is bleedin' obvious, but…

Of *course* you're depressed.

Okay, one bit at a time. This "I am worthless" bit has got to stop. You are not worthless. You've had a rubbish day. You fell asleep because you are knackered. And how could you not be?

Your brother's (very sweetly, btw!) calling at the end of every day, however beautifully intended, just has the effect of underlining yet another Groundhog Day. That's why it gets on your nerves. Of course it's the opposite of what he means, but its effect is to close the day with a clang saying "no change there then!" Talk about rubbing it in..!

Do you want to guess why I'm so grateful you posted? Because the email ping interrupted my Freecell game. And speaking of feeling worthless, I have been so good - soooooooo good - about Freecell for months. I have stayed away from it completely. But just the last couple of days I have completely lost it and reverted to all my bad old avoidance habits… which I know are bad… which I have tried so hard to break… and there I am, it's two in the morning over here, we've got a long drive tomorrow going to visit my aunt, and I'm sitting up playing Freecell. What an idiot I am! What kind of start am I going to get us off to?!

But what I mean is, we are going to have bad days, and draggy days, and sometimes a whole run of them together. We are wading through treacle. So: does this happen to anyone else?

Is there anyone else is doesn't happen to, at least sometimes?

Right, so this is what we have to do. Just lie back and float on today. Let it be a day where instead of acting on good intentions you have just trodden water. You won't get a whole grip on life tomorrow, don't set yourself up to fail, but you can look forward to a better day where you get, say, just one of those projects done. Pick any, doesn't matter which. And then, if you're still feeling up to it, you can pick another one. And so on.

Another strategy taught by the late and incredibly wonderful Peg Bracken was the kitchen timer technique. Suppose you have a stack of ironing so high it's beginning to fall over. You'll never get through that lot in a morning; so what you do is set your timer for an hour, or half an hour, and tell yourself you will iron until it goes off. Then, when it goes off, as she put it, you can stop with honour; but if you find you want to carry on then great! - you've just fooled yourself into getting the whole lot done. (By the way, don't try the timer technique on having a nap - if you're anything like me, you can switch it off in your sleep!)

You do love your mother. That is not going to make our tedious, menial, frustrating everydays any more colourful or enjoyable, though, is it? Stop telling yourself that if you really loved your mother you'd think our current lifestyle is the cat's whiskers! We do it because it's necessary, and that's all the reward we get.

I do understand the weird panicky feelings. I get it when I'm grocery shopping - just this sense of unreality, feeling I shouldn't be there and I'm about to do something dreadful like sweep all the cans off a shelf or start screaming at the staff about packaging… Gilbert & Sullivan makes me cry my eyes out, which is not what's supposed to happen! And over the weekend, I spotted that "On The Town" was on t.v. - it's one of mother's favourites, I jumped up and went to turn it on for her. Twenty minutes later, realising the sound was off, I went back in and she'd turned off the set. "I'd forgotten how trivial the story was," she said. Trivial? She wants song, dance and profundity???

I don't think it's we who've lost our pleasure in things. I think it's the poignancy of our mothers forgetting themselves, and their music and everything they've handed on to us no longer having meaning for them. There is a line in "Under Milk Wood" which has always brought tears to my eyes - and at the moment I can't even listen to it - where the ghost of Rosie Probert has appeared to Captain Cat, and as she fades out of the scene another voice says: "…she is forgetting she was ever born…"

We are wound up so tightly, under constant strain. We are hampered and limited in our lives, and then have to deal with sudden crises that we're not trained for and often have no experience of. I think we can cut ourselves some slack, don't you?

And, to repeat, you have saved my bacon this evening: I will take my own advice, stop wringing my hands about what a hopeless, useless addict I am, and get to bed. Tomorrow is another day - hope yours will be better. And even if it isn't, will you report in, please? Big hug.

Hope just because Mama can no longer react to things she used to love does not mean she does not still hear and enjoy them on some level. keep playing that music somewhere deep inside her it is very comforting to her because it connects her to happy times. i think you also need to have a chat with your Dr about the way you are feeling he/she may be able to prescribe something to help you through this difficult time

You know, today has been one of those days where I have done a lot of reflecting...and it dawned on me that as of October 4, 2011, it has been three years since Mama's fall and immediately my life turned upside down. I have gone through every emotion in the book, and apparently right now I am in a real pity party mode...and again feeling ashamed. How can someone I love so much cause this much resentment. I already know it will kill me when she is gone, just the thought of it sends me into panic attack mode...and I have started having a lot of those again...the other day I thought I wanted to listen to an orchestra arrangement of some of my favorite Christmas music...I love music, as Mama always did, but now it is like she doesn't pay it any attention and just hearing that music sent me into panic mode. I am having inappropriate reacions to things that I used to love so much. I don't want to be this way. I truly do love Mama but I can't seem to drag myself out of whatever this is. And it truly feels like I am clinically insane. My brother always calls every single night on the dot, just to make sure we are ok and I have not fallen out somewhere but the very regularity of that even drives me insane...tonight I didn't even answer the phone and just opted to text him instead...I don't want him to worry but I don't want to live this day over again and that is what those calls turn into....I am not a weak person, but I sure am feeling stupid and ridiculous these days...and even becoming one of those people I don't want to see coming....

Shoot. Got my hair washed. Even slapped a little makeup on. Got Mama changed and fed and made the mistake of sitting down for a minute....that turned into a long nap...I am worthless....utterly worthless....had an afternoon of projects to finish and can't see starting them tonight....I've got to get a grip on life. does this happen to anyone else?? I used to be a go getter...My go and got up and gone....I just don't know where

Hope22, ah yes those huge spiders... they creep me out, too... and I try to carefully relocate them if I can.... I take a broom, snag one in the broom and run like crazy outside to shake it off.... hate to evict them but enough is enough :P

Sometimes I wonder if Mama has Alzheimers, or is it dementia...or the injury to her brain when she fell down the stairs..or a combo of all of the above...sometimes she sure seems to know what is going on around her ..I didn't think you did that with Alzheimers....

The neighbors dog, in heat, has gotten out of her fence again and so I have been trying to fix their fence because they don't seem to want to. In the interim the dog is running all over the place and chasing my cat and I am trying to keep the cat in and it keeps getting out and the neighbor is home and knows the dog is out but just does not seem to care...

And we are having an onslaught of those giant normous grass spiders..the ones that are almost two inches in diameter. I cannot find where they are getting in..I keep this house clean and yet, I have found 8 EIGHT of them in this den in the past week....I have huge respect for all life, but these things have given me the heebie jeebies and I have had to resort to squishing them...God forgive me....they've got to go....

I think I am going to go and treat myself to some Chinese food today. I can't eat out but will get her napping long enough to run and grab and go....I feel the need to do something for me today.

Mama has gotten to where she grinds her teeth most all the time...the dentist has told us he would not do anything to her loose tooth and said the broken one is not a problem. Additionally, she is on coumadin so she would have to come off that for a bit before she could have them pulled and/or cut out and the risk of that we are informed outweighs the teeth...She says her teeth do not hurt and when I brush them she does not seem to indicate they hurt...I can't imagine that loose tooth is not driving her insane...but her gnashing her teeth all day and night is driving me insane.

I have started many vents on here only to delete them before I post...I guess it's because someone else always has it worse and also it isn't going to change anything...it just is what it is...and this morning it is h*ll.

ya know , i dont think the military accepts any recruits over the age of 37 , and it may even be 27 . probably fluctuates according to their recruitment needs but ya easily get my point -- 50 aint 40, 40 aint 30 .. were going to age despite our most vehemous denial . i laid many a foundation by myself in my 40 ' s . come to think about it , that might be why im so inefectual now . if we were neanderthal the clan would have me gathering berries about now . he he

Captian.. in the words of Toby Keith... "I aint as good as I once was, but I;m as good once as I ever was".. I have days like that!!

I'm just plain tired. Period.

singing telegram to self ;

na na na NA !!
welding fumes , and poppy blooms .
you didnt dine , drank lennys shine .
you got your tool box , and its a source of pride .
ya gotta slow down , you nearly di eED ..

oh my . lesson noted .
after the steel work yesterday and of course not eating enough , i was dead on my feet today . went and helped out on mikes farm for a couple of hours and felt even more skeletal . so i get all worried thinking i was a washed up old cat and whatta ta know ? i came home , ate well , took a 2 hour nap and feel perfectly fine again . im still in the game . i cant whip the world but i can at least shake my fist and yell .. theres no question i done 2 days work in one very intense day . guess i should expect to be wiped out the next day or so . nice change of routine , the tool box building , but , these freakin apples arent going to can themselves ..
chop chop ,
peel , peel ..

My wine for today. hubby spent the morning banging and crashing around throwing papers everywhere and tearing everything for recycling into tiny scraps. Finally he said "this tidying up drives me crazy" I said"but i haven't tidied anything up" (I know better than to do that) "Well' he said" You made me tidy up and now I can't find anything" True but the reason I asked him to tidy up the piles of papers on the floor was because I wanted to clean the carpet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do feel overwhelmed most every day, due to the seemingly constant issues with my LO at the ALF. I don't want to whine all the time. It's always a fall, refusal of meds, question about doctor appt., she's lost her comb, can't find her toothpaste, etc. It's almost too much, but then there are the good times.

This past Sunday, I actually looked forward to going for a visit. (I normally visit 2-3 times per week.) When I arrived, we sat in the family visiting room and chatted with some of the other residents. I've leaned a lot about them since my LO went there. It was really rather nice. The residents, regardless of their abilities, have much to offer. They have taught me a lot.

Oh for GOODNESS' sake - !

I want some old fashioned under-vests and some old fashioned pyjamas and can I get hold of any? Can I buggery. Marksandsparks, the nation's stand-by for these things for decades, has gone so bloomin' arty-farty and "Collection" this and "Limited Edition" that that they've forgotten to stock up on plain old undies. I am not going to dress my 90 year old mother like she's hankering after her boudoir days.

Crazy like a fox, then! Tsk, if I'd only thought to think "wouldn't I rather have the money?" every time I'd bought something I'd be so much richer it's just not funny. We need more consumers like your mother, we should be sending them into schools to catch 'em young...