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awh... fligirl so sorry to hear about your dad. Seems like you are being pulled in many different directions and many different emotions. I hope you can take comfort in knowing you did your best and tried to be there for both parents. Be proud of yourself. Be at peace with yourself.
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Anyone else running into the problem of having to constantly change your email address to get *notifications* on this website? Every 3-4 days I need to change the email, so I go back and forth between two addresses. Didn't know if it is just my computer or if some others are running into this. Just curious.
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toomuch4me, it is time to call your sister and tell her you can no longer take care of your Dad, that you are totally burnt out, you cannot do this any longer. Tell her you are bringing Dad to her place. Then let her decide what is the next step if she cannot deal with him.
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Fligirl Im so sorry to hear about your father's condition.
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Today started out with yet another "blow up" with Dad. We hear so much about elders being abused, but what happens when elders are the verbally abusive ones..getting all red in the face and screaming at the top of their lungs. Calling their adult children 15-20 times in a half hour. My mornings are my time to get my children ready for school. They need to start their day with a clear mind. Not being effected by the drama. Every time I hear my father's footsteps early in the morning I know he is up to start trouble. He called my sister about 25 times this morning. No exaggeration. When she did not answer, he left messages. Then he comes down to talk about her to me and then tells me to GET HER ON THE PHONE !! He doesnt get upset over major issues. He gets upset over stupid things. Once he starts the drama drags out for the entire day. He will find ways to annoy me by bringing mail for me to "check" for him or some other nonsense. This is all taking place while Im trying to work. Since moving in here, my work perfomance has been very poor. If I dont end the year well, Im sure I may get terminated. In addition to Dad, there are the caregivers. I dont know why the feel the need to spend 90% of their day rearranging our kitchen. Its not like they come into a filthy home. I take the time to clean up before they come. So to me its insulting for them to redo what I have already done.
Its supposed to my home. Yet I cannot stand being here. Every day is the same nonsense. Im depressed. I dont go out with friends, or call anyone. I work and surf the web. Once 6am comes, the madness starts all over again. I feel like Im going to have a nervous break down.
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Oh my gosh, seems like we need to dangle a carrot on a stick to make our parent(s) do something we want.... be it eating, bathing, changing clothes, etc. Since I don't have this issue yet with my parents, does rewarding them to bathe or to change clothes help? A special treat afterwards? Or with dementia that doesn't work. Just wondering.

I know to get my parents to update their Wills and POA's, I said that I would pay for it.... so now my parents have an appointment with an Elder Law attorney. Both my parents are still sharp for someone in their mid-90's, with moments of forgetfulness [my memory is slipping, too].
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Susan this column is for venting so vent away, the rest of us are not in your shoes so if it relieves your feelings it is all to the good. We can skim over it if we like to.
Would it work for you to set a schedule and simply impose it. You can discuss it with mother . Tell her she needs to shower at least three times a week and let her choose the days and time. Then make her stick to it and ignore the spoiled brat behaviour. Turn off the TV and march her in. Same with going to the toilet make her go every 2-3 hours. no exceptions. By all means give her drinks and snacks if it is convenient to you but otherwise she can get things for herself or go hungry. Don't be rude and inconsiderate but stick to your guns. Does she ask you to get things or just sit there. Think about the animal that won't eat a food. they will if it is left down long enough unless they are sick which is a different story. Is mom diabetic or has any other condition that needs special feeding schedule?
I think she knows very well that she has you well trained and exactly how to push your buttons. When she uses the little girl voice just say "Very funny mother act your age " You are not being disrespectful, she is the one who started it so give her a dose of her own medicine. Unfortunately you are the adult in the household now. she is showing you great disrespect and you deserve better, so find your big girl panties and face the monster before she gets worse. Hugs.
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Thank you CM
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Fligirl, I think the saying is "hope for the best, prepare for the worst." Brace yourself, just in case. But what is something to be grateful for is you and your sister pulling together like this, and appreciating each other, and watching each other's back. Brilliant stuff. I know it turns the hair white to have a dangerously ill loved one, but do your best to let things happen. Best wishes for your dad's recovery.
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(sigh) Have been trying not to post too many whines lately, but today is rough. Mom is still on track with her eating, still losing weight, but has slipped into one of her "low times" where she resists everything I ask her to do - showering (going on 4 days since her last one now), changing her incontinence pad, changing clothing, etc. She refuses to get her butt out of her chair and do anything for herself other than go to the bathroom - and if I don't keep on her, she waits too long to do that and has an accident. She won't get up and get a glass of water, a snack out of the fridge or anything else - even though she's fully capable of doing it. If I do keep on her about the shower, she gets cranky and snaps at me or gives me the pouty little girl face and talks in a baby voice (which gets on my nerves even more) and asks for "just one more minute" or "just until this show is over". Then she lays down for a nap - and when she is reminded that she said she would shower after the show was over, she claims she's going to watch it from her bed (um..can't see the tv from there, Mom....).

I saw a video online the other day about a letter from an elderly parent to their child, asking that the child be understanding with memory losses and unwillingness to shower, and begging, "please don't force me to shower, I am old and I catch cold easily when I'm wet". It made me stop and think, and shed a few tears. But then I got to thinking, when it's not being old and feeble but being stubborn and refusing to do what they know they need to do.....there's a huge difference between the two. Mom is capable of showering - she just won't - until I get absolutely nasty with her and tell her, "You are GOING to shower - NOW." Then she'll do it. I *hate* this. It is totally not my style to be that way with my mother. Once she showers, we have "the talk" again - Mom, you know you need to shower, don't you feel better now that you have? Yes, of course she does. Please don't let it get to this point again. Ok, yes, I know I need to shower.
I am so tired of doing this. The problem is, it's not going to get better, and I know it. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. I'm tired of her being manipulative and I'm thinking maybe I'd better let her know that's how I feel when she does this.

My head is about to explode. I think my blood pressure must be up by about 50 points right now.
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I have not ever talked about my Dad on AC. He is in an AL in Jamestown, NY, he is 87 with dementia. (I don't stand a chance between both parents. UGH) My sister handled everything to get him into AL and POA and takes care of everything as far as Dad is concerned which I do appreciate. He fainted the other day and hit his head and went to the hospital and he was home the same day. I talked to him yesterday and he said he had a bump on his head. This am my sis called me and told me Dad has fluid on the brain and the hospital in Jamestown is so bad that he had to go to Erie PA. I got really upset and my sis was like its ok, if something happened they would be in a better place. I understand death and that it will happen to everyone but I have always had a hard time with it. Especially when it comes to parents and my boys. I asked her why was she so calm when last week Mom went to the ER with a non emergency, pain in the jaw and she was hysterical. When I heard about Dad the other day I just started having a bad feeling and then today. I was to start my therapy today and she had to cancel because she is sick. So disappointed. But I am truly afraid for my Dad right now. Just needed a little support from all of you that care and give great advice. Thanks
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Glad to hear poor old daphnie got a good night's sleep too. She's too old for the night shift time to find a probabationer.
A fever breaking was always a good sign in the good old days before antibiotics. It meant someone with pneumonia or some other life threatening disease was going to get better.
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I have a "bobby" I can say the same to. Boy do I have some truth's about his righteous a**. Blip blip blip.... dead on my radar.

Happy to say.... Mom is back! Whew.... love that woman but man o man, one more sleepless night we where both going for ...whatever made us sleep,
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cubic is about to get into law enforcement . hes a nationally certified emt right now . i love him , hes my son . i respect law enforcement but i do not respect his reason for getting into the field . he has a lifelong desire to dictate to others . his younger brothers first words were " fk you bobby " . exwife and i never supported cubic when jake would cuss him out . we could hear cube trying to run bluntmans life . wed tell cubehead to leave him alone .. no sympathy here , we were thinking the same thing -- fk you bobby .. lol
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Ever hear of a fever breaking? Well....mom's UTI broke.

No anxiety tonight, no shadowing, loads of understanding....

Whew, early night for us. (happy dance)
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Makes sense that ZC be the designated driver eh?

Birds are smart.. (remember my chickens) BUT....nothing like a big sweetie girly dog to save the day/night/night/night/night/night and of course, early morning :/

Gosh... either I am very old or very tired, I am ready for bed. Mom's been snoring in her chair for the last hour (whew) but damnit man, she may not sleep again tonight.

I just lately realized... I am taking care of 3 elderly beings. Mom. 79/AD. Poochie (dog, 18 y/o, blind deaf for the past year)and my 12 year old, Daphne ( let's just say she has incontinence problems due to her sphincter) which she takes meds for.

Parrots always scream... or screech.
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the only animal mom and i had was a parrot . parrot would scream bloody murder over the phone if mom fell down and called me .
i dont have any fuss tonight . got the stove door swung wide open and enjoying a log burning . only one month till i go back to chicago and see alice cooper with cubehead and salad shooter . cubic zerconium is kinds police officer material but hes the designated driver . me and his GF are probably gonna be higher than cooter brown ..
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+ 12 years ago :)
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I just want to take a few minutes to talk about my big girlie dog, Daphne. I rescued her some 2 years ago. She's always been very prissy. She is not a small dog, she's about 40 lbs. A black n tan sheperd husky sort of love. Daphne has never been spayed nor has she had puppies. What she has done, is "mother and take care of" every being she has been tasked with. Whether it dog, cat, puppy, kitty, and best of all, an elderly person whom needed her. She rescued my daddy several times ( he always fussed at her for barking at a leaf falling) BUT, Daph, saved his a**.. he fell in the bathroom one night while I was giving mom a bath... Daphne barked till I got out and found dad. Dad had slipped out of his bed late at night and she came into my room whining... my big girl is doing the same for mom. She has not been sleeping well due to the UTI (h*llish) Mom get's out of bed, Daphne leaves mom side and comes to me and tattles.... mom goes wandering at 3:00 a.m. Daph comes to me and again, tattles. 4 times last night my big girl saved grandma... Job Well Done Daphne!!
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My sister notified the VA that Mom was on Medicaid as of Dec 2013 so they needed to stop her Aid and Attendance. It's now 9 months later and they just sent us paperwork that needs to be filled out by both the AL and the NH. Meanwhile, they keep putting money in her account monthly - I'm hoping they get this sorted out before end of year so if Medicaid gets wiggy about her assets being over $2000, I can show them that the money all went right back to the VA. VA said we'd either have to cut them a check or they'll just draft it from her account. At one point, a VA person said we could just keep the money - I flipped out as there is no earthly way we can spenddown that money on someone with few needs.
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Wow, Jules. Give that board of directors a round of applause for 24 carat meanness.

Or, perhaps they don't like their families very much and can't see the need..?
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After working at the same place for 19 years and only using bereavement pay once during that time, I was told my employer had reduced our number of paid days for funeral leave for an immediate family member from 3 days to one day! Since I had used up all but 3 days of my vacation/sick days while caring for my Mom, I had to make her arrangements at the funeral home on an extended lunch break!
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My whine-worthy moment was yesterday -- this time of year, I'm working one full time job and a part time job too (that's not my whine, btw). I'm extremely busy. Anyway, I used a vacation day yesterday to handle some stuff for my mother. Required what is usually a 6 hour or so round trip to her place. I got on the road at 6:00 a.m. to avoid the worst of rush hour traffic. The drive down was fine, but I noticed on the other side of the freeway, about 20 minutes from her house, an overturned and burned out big rig. Yikes! And the traffic on that side was terrible, with all lanes closed, traffic being diverted off the freeway--which takes a while, because the offramps are severak miles apart.
Anyway, I got everything done for her within a few hours, which was great. I hoped that this truck accident would have cleared so that I could make my way home, but NO. I spent about an hour, stopped dead on the freeway, in over 100 degree heat (A/C turned off so my engine wouldn't overheat). I managed to make my way off the freeway, and realized I needed to find another way home.
FINALLY arrived home at 5:30 p.m. Awful traffic the entire way. GOD, was I tired.
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Gershun, just let is slide right off your back..Haven't you ever heard the expression "A face only a mother could love"? There ya go :)

Hire one anyway Jessie It is too much work for one person to handle on their own. Mom's part time carer bathes mom and does her bathroom/bedroom and clothes. That alone was a tremendous help. Not to mention the State pays for most of it through their area for aging agency.. hmmm... yes, I think that's what it's called. Don't know why I put off doing it for so long....

She'll be fine, probably better than ever :) all knew clean pipes !
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Yes women over women can still be beautiful. You are right! I guess the whole pettiness of my sisters comment is what bothered me.
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I'll join in with one less devastating, too, Gershun. My mother has stopped doing anything except breathing and eating. She sits and watches TV all day. The last two days I've worked all day, trying to get the housework done. I was able to get a good bit of the stuff done, but looked and the task was unending. When was I ever going to get time to do my own job and get everything done?

I told my mom that we needed to hire a maid, because there was just too much for me. Ooh, she got mad like it was fussing at her. I told her that no, I wasn't upset with her, but we just needed to hire a maid.

She got up and started cleaning. The old malingerer! She didn't do any deep down cleaning, but she did show me she was quite capable of getting out of that chair. Gosh, I feel so used.

Have to add that women over 50 are beautiful. They don't get ugly until they get mean. :)

And I'm worried about Roni, too. I've been thinking of her all evening. I'm sure she is going to be okay, since she was able to use her mobile. That is a very good sign.
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Forgive me for sounding petty. I know that with all the devastating issues reported on this site I must sound ridiculous.
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My whine moment of the day. My sister who hasn't gone to see my Mom in over 4 months couldn't wait to e-mail me and tell me that my mom thinks she is the prettiest in the family. Wow! Thanks for sharing right?

My mom has told me complimentary things too. I would never think of e-mailing my siblings to say "nah nah na nah na" Oh brother!!!

By the way, we are all over fifty now. None of us are exactly beauty queens anymore. I think its probably more important that we go see our mom regularly and then share our experiences of our mom and how she is.
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So sorry about your mother Pam
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So sorry about your brother Sallie.It makes me wish there was a way to make drs face up to and tell the truth. They must have known he was near the end. some one of his age needs to know what is going on so they can put their affairs in order and say their farewells. This is a hard time for everyone but he is at peace now.
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