My "whine moment today." What's yours?

bookluvr...In times past, when the salon would get the blonde more of an "orange" than blonde, the application of the next to lightest ash toned it down enough that it became more of a beige blonde....But that was also when my hair was actually blonde too....not mostly graying like it is now...sooooo this really grabbed hold...coloring also is affected by your health and mine is not so great right now, so I'm guessing all of it together plus I forget it was on there and left too long...tada...blue hair.....I think i can fix it..used to I would have freaked out...but the main thing of my current situation is.....who the heck is gonna see me...hahaha...so it doesn't really matter....and that is somewhat sad as well...that having blue hair doesn't seem to throw me anymore.....if anyone says anything, I think I'll just say "yes, I know it's blue...that was my intention. " :)

Kristi, the beginning of the new school year is a good transition time. "Now that the kids are in school and have homework and activities, I need to make changes." I'd start with them bringing in housekeeping help and you just clean your own house. With meals, since you know they have good food, it's ok for you to not be taking dinner over every night. Boundaries, kiddo...it's ok to say, " that's not possible" when you need to take care of your own family.

I know I'm being used. We live right next door is the crappy part. I can't make up stuff. He knows when I'm home or when I'm not. I'm trying to take care of two houses and I don't do it like MIL used to. I can't! She had 2 kids and one house. I have 2 houses, 3 kids, a FIL and MIL that are very demanding. He is fully functional, mentally great has diabetes. But if I don't cook its a guilt trip" well we will find something" when I know they are fully stocked cause I do there shopping! Hubby tries to help as much as possible and he stands up for me but its like it don't get through to him that I have a ton on me. My brother in law is supposed to help me on days my hubby and FIL are out which is Wednesday, Thursday and Saturdays. Somehow I get fussed at when he has to come help me. " he wants a life" ummm hello.? He has a girl friend, no kids and is 44. His Gf has every other weekend off and the same with Wednesday and Thursday. He is good about helping while she is at work but I'm just left with it when she is off. I feel like he does more for her family ( her dad also has demintia but in earlier stages than his mother). They will take her daddy out places. Why can he not take his mom out too? I don't know if its him or her. I try not to fuss too bad. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and kids. Just stressful some days. I'm sure you can agree.

kristi27, the key thing I read in your post was " I prolly do but FIL won't hire help or bring in help.".... of course father-in-law won't hire/bring in help because he has you doing it all.

Good heavens, you have your hands full with the children, time for you to back off on some of the care. Maybe offer one day a week. Otherwise as you already know, you have too much on your plate. Then and only then will FIL hire some help. As with dementia, it will only get worse, not better.

My whine ... I'm a daughter in law caregiver part time to MIL. Its always a fuss when someone has to stay with her. Late stages vascular dementia, won't eat unless fed, uses the bathroom on herself sometimes, I stay with her 3-4days a week with little help and did I mention I have three kids ( 8, 5, 18 months). She hardly drinks or eats what I give her. Not sure why she don't take my help or what I offer her. I'm sure she has no clue who I am so that may be the problem. My gripe is I try to be selfless and my hubby has told me I take on too much. I prolly do but FIL won't hire help or bring in help. My son 18 months just went through a spell of HSP ( Google it cause its still confusing to me) could affect his kidneys! Scared me and has to be taken to Dr for urine checks. About a week ago one of my wisdom teeth started bothering me. I have yet the time to get it checked. Cause I'm watching MIL and taking son to Dr and normal everyday Stuff. My kids are home from school at 320 and FIL works Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday( I have 3 kids and MIL all day!) Back to my gripe...... No one cares enough for me to take care of this tooth that is driving me nuts. Its only Wednesday and I'll be watching MIL today, tomorrow and son has a Dr appmt Friday. I'll be back here on Saturday. I'm sure everyone is closed on Sunday. Maybe relief on Monday? Hubby will be home then. Sorry so long.

Hope, that is soooo funny! I've seen the unnatural red hair from a lot of the older people - even men. I guess their dye came out the wrong color. I recently saw a client with this odd purple hair. Maybe your hair turned blue because it's too close to your last coloring? Or the combination of the old color and the new - made it turn blue? But that's a first I've heard of the hair turning blue.

Well, the last time I went to the salon to get my hair done, the lady who "touched up" the color decided I should be a ravishing blonde...as in my twenties...it has driven me up the wall, so yesterday afternoon, I decided to make an "ash" of myself....and I have promptly turned my hair blue...hahahahaha....oh wow...what a mess....the last time I used this color it turned out great...I apparently didn't take into account that my hair was in a different shape now than then and this stuff GRABBED that color and I am not joking...BLUE .....wooot wooot

Hope congrats on the sale of your house and your blissful weekend. Good for you and you needed it. It gives us all hope that there are good things out there for all of us.

Yesterday, as Mom and I got into the elevator for yet another moving in trip, my mother announced to everyone (also was moving in), "Well, today really IS Labor Day!" They all chuckled.

We had problems with the AC not working. Brand new building and it was 80 degrees inside Mom's new room! They tried to fix it three times and Mom had to sleep with the unfixed problem. Finally they fixed it the next day. Now all is well.

This morning though Mom called me when I was working at home, (I am self employed). " Ah JUDY!"
I hear her talking to her paid homecare person, "She's so unorganized. Never does anything I want..."
"Hello?" I wait for her to address me again.
"You didn't pack the food right! What are these sausages? They aren't mine. Where's all the bread!" she damanded. Then I heard a strange sound: was it a desperate cry or her usual sarcastic evil laugh?
I tried to remain calm. "All I did was take everything out of your freezer, put it in a bag, and it's now in your new place. Nothing was added or subtracted."
Then she shouts at me angrily, "It's not important, never mind!" and hangs up on me. Yah what a nice way to start the day.

I bought her a better shopping cart and stopped by tonight. Before the door opens up I wonder who will it be this time: Mommy Dearest or Mrs.Charming? I had to tell her why she wasn't getting her full security deposit back. The movers she chose who were cheaper than others did a lot of damage: hole in the ceiling, black and oily area on her white couch, broken lamps, dresser drawers in the wrong place and everything inside all mixed up and scrambled. Yet she was so forgiving to them! Her move to a nearby town, one bedroom, cost her 600 plus over $150 in damages.

Ah well. Glad she is settled in now. She's already befriending people and is planning who will be asked to help her hang her pictures!

Been away for a while...it appears I have some catching up to do...In the meantime, thank each one of you for the messages, hugs, and help sent while I've been "away"....we are back home again...and, what has seemed like a whirlwind of activity...things are starting to settle down. The house issue...OVER......I think I mentioned that I thought I had a buyer at the 11th hour..then all kinds of stuff started happening, as if one final effort to throw the proverbial monkey wrench in everything...and...once again, I felt like I was ready to throw the towel in...then....what seemed like an amazing bunch of circumstances, the sale went through, my debts are cleared and I am at peace in my mind for the first time in almost 18 years.....my realtor called in folks who did not know me but who spoke on my behalf ....my realtor drove all the way up here to bring the paperwork and make it happen...and while debtors continued to pile on charge after charge after charge...the sale went through and it is O V E R.......I hope I will be more "here" to take care of Mama now that all the harping and endless harrassment has ended....It has been a while since I felt so much peace....so I'm not whining at all...just wanting you all to know that I think a lot of good thoughts were coming my way from all different directions and I do appreciate all of you for thinking of me.....it has been the most blissful weekend...I can't believe it...I am finally free of that group of folks whom I had begun to believe were going to drag me to h*ll with them.....so thankful so thankful....going to try to catch up now with what has been going on... :)

Thanks all for the advice. Jeanetteb, I will trade you houses to float on the river, sounds lovely although I probably can't do that for six months or so. Let me know if you're in town, we can meet and whine together! Will it really be that bad the first week? I have a neighbor who will check on me and I think I have home health and pt to come to the house, otherwise a taxi I $6 to go anywhere in my town. Veronica 91how long was your recovery?

terry have you considered going into rehab for a few days after you have your hip replacement. you will be too weak and tired to do much of anything except drag yourself to the bathroom. How are you going to get to physical therapy? do you have some one to drive you. This operation makes you loose a great deal of blood so that is an additional burden. I was able to drive myself after abour three weeks very carefully. My husband was home but did the minmum for me. I did not feel much like eating so I lived on turkey sandwiches and ginger ale. I lived in my recliner comforted by one of my purring cats. it is certainly a tough operation but the results are well wothwhile as long as you work hard and think positively. Do ask about going into rehab though it really is too tough to be home the first week.

everybody is celebrating something today . i went to the customers farm and cut firewood . midweek, when im jerking around at the goodwill store , etc , people will be giving me snide looks . dummys . thats the whole point of self employment -- setting my own schedule .
jeanette, im glad you copped an approach to caring for mom that makes it easier . it still scares a person to death , sticking their neck out and forgoing income . the powers could wisk mom away and leave you destitute . most things worthwhile do require some risk taking . thats been my experience for 56 years . when i venture back now to how i might have done better with mom , i promptly say screw the what ifs , she wasnt mother of the year when i was growing up . she did her best -- so did i ..
sad for edna now . we had so much fun in our little truck . now shes incarcerated . i squarely blame her flaky PIA . if i were her mpoa , edna would be making all her own decisions . hospice tried to exert power over my mom when she was weeks from death . i told them she makes the decisions in her home and id stand behind her right to do so . thats the way it should be -- laws need to be changed to that effect .

Terry, I was wondering what train surfers was all about!?!? LOL Thanks for clearing it up before I went on an all out google search!! You live in Lincoln City? Lucky you!! I'd love to be nearer to the coast...it is so gorgeous there. I have an aunt an uncle who live there also... too bad mom doesn't remember him or we'd go visit more often. I think it was really hard on him when mom visited last year... it was hard seeing his sister who had no memories of their childhood. sigh. Good luck on your surgery and yes, hip surgery is to be taken serious and the recovery is the most important part to a successful recovery. So be selfish with yourself!

Jesse, does your mother think people will drop their plans and spend the day with her if she pretends she's not feeling well? hmph, actually it should have the opposite effect. If someone is ailing then people will stay away so she can rest and get better!! silly elderly peeps... I tell ya!

So, mom's been gone since Friday night... it's been an enjoyable relaxing weekend. My girlfriend and I floated the river all day yesterday, built a giant fire out back and bbqed and drank martini's while listening to oldies but goodies. Today is stay home day and float in the pool doing nothing... having a few days for myself really puts life back into perspective. It seems to help me appreciate my mom and her well being as a gift rather than a burden. I love that lady and knowing how scared and frail she has become makes me love her even more. What Cap'n says about his journey really makes sense to me know. I know when the day comes and she's no longer here, it will be the saddest day...and I will miss her tremendously and probably be lost without her. Ha, I say all this cuz I've had 3 days alone... my feelings will more than likely change when she's back and in one of her crabass moods!! LOL

I hope everyone is enjoying the last few days of summer!

(sigh) I whine too much, but here goes. My mother is in "poor me" mode today, because my brother made other plans for Labor Day. It gets so tempting to tell her what goes around comes around. She's been looking for ailments and keeps testing her blood sugar and temperature. All is well and she isn't happy about it. A perfectly good barBQ lunch was ruined. I'm practicing my avoidance behavior today. Rooting around in her misery doesn't appeal to me.

Terry, if there was ever a time to put yourself first, this is it. You get up too fast from this surgery and you are putting life and limb in danger. Don't go doing that!

terrygma, you will find that during your rehab that it will be much easier to say *no* to any requests regarding your Dad. And there shouldn't be any guilt because you know in your heart you cannot do what will be requested. I know, it will be easier said than done. Before the word *yes* was always there, now the word *no* will be on equal ground :)

So we need to be strong and not give him a choice. Maybe I can find a caregiver to come in during the day at my sisters because the kids will all be at school, parents at work, so he will be alone much of the day. Yikes! More to worry about. I am 2 hours away and will be recovering at home alone, so I will be no help. I can't recover at my sisters as there is no room for me, plus with 9 people in the house, there's really no peace. I selfishly think sometimes " well, dad and sis, you don't listen to me or my suggestions, just expect me to be there when you need something, so guess what? Its time for me to worry about me." Then if course guilt walks in and I don't know if I'm brave enough to say it. Well, if I'm out of commission, it will just happen anyway. Thanks for listening as always!

terrygma, maybe the hip surgery will be a turning point for both of you and your Dad. Your total rehabilitation after surgery will take at least 6 months. You won't be able to drive for 6 to 8 weeks. There will be a lot of things you won't be able to do for quite some time. Like ba8alou said, hip surgery is no walk in the park.

Would your sister be able to keep your Dad for 6 months? If I remember correctly, she has a lot on her plate with 6 children, and 3 jobs. Of course your Dad won't go into assistant living or have paid Caregivers as long as both your sister and you keep saying *yes* to having him staying with you.

Terry, think about why he is able to refuse assisted living but you're not able to refuse caring for him. Hip surgery is no walk in the park at any age. What is your body telling you?

There are quite a few people here from Oregon. I am in Lincoln city, have had a break from dad but can see it will fall back on me soon as he thinks he can live on his own, but can barely do anything for himself as it stands right now. Currently he is at my sisters house but it is overcrowded with 9 people all together living there. I am going for hip surgery September 10th and then after the recovery I'm sure we will figure out where dads going to live and since he refuses assisted living or in home care givers guess who'll be the one to do it. I guess I should be grateful for this break

Oops! I meant migraine sufferers, not train surfers!

Oh texarkanna I am sorry you're going through so much. Your mom sounds like my dad. Absolutely no concern for what anyone else is going through just what are you going to make me for dinner and then proceeded to tell me what he would like or just self involved with his comfort and his level of happiness and just not care about anyone I so get it you hang in there

I don't know if anyone answered this 2000 post that are on here but for the bathroom incontinence accidents we have found refrigerated probiotics works wonders for my dad. Knock on wood no accidents in the last 4 months so you might try that. Train surfers I hear you I've had those too but I always have to do is get in the shower and run hot as I can stand water on the back of my neck then turn it to cold on the back of my neck and keep alternating until it kind of releases, then I can sleep. Hope this helps!

Cap, I can only hope when everything does work out, that I am as insightful, thoughtful and caring as you are :)

i dont have a fuss today but instead maybe some inspiration for those of us still in the trenches and cant see their future . mom had been gone for 13 months. ive been back home for 13 months . im NOT dying from hepc related liver disease , NOT out of business , NOT jerking off homeless people behind dumpsters for tobacco money , NOT freezing to death with no electricity or firewood , instead im sitting in the garage canning fruits and vegetables for winter just like i left off 7 yrs ago when i went to stay at moms house . business looks secure for the next 2 years or more and indeed i might have to hire a helper or two .
i read a news story recently about the people of israel that made me think about the caregivers . many israeli people think in alarmist measures . they dont see the possibilities in a reasonable context . they either see being nuked by some neighbor or being driven into the sea by an alliance of arab nation states .
caregiving and losing your own self determination is very comparable imo . we just cant see that everything might just work out ok for us .

My whine today is about how that nasty disease makes them say hurtful things. We KNOW it's not their fault. Why does it still hurt so much?

Whoa! I think I meant to type "to inform me" above. Auto correct--sorry about that!

Here's an honest to goodness whine: it would be GREATf I didn't get a text,a phone call, and a voice mail to I dorm me (in a panicky voice) that my mother, who lives 3 hours away, misplaced her keys and circa 1994 cell phone. She doesn't drive anymore, she was not locked out of her house, so they're in there somewhere. I kindly asked her neighbor if she could go to the corner hardware store and make a copy of the spare that she has. And I told her she could take a breath, calm down, everything's ok.
Jeeeeezus....

Not really a whine,just an update. Feeling physically better today, Valium is great for muscle spasms.After this last Thursday's diva moment from mom about pain, PT etc. Had a heart to heart talk with her,mostly me talking.She does not have dementia just to be clear. Set some new ground rules for my own self preservation that will only help her in the long run. Didn't ask for her opinion, just that this is how is it T,I, is,think of hearing "Madea's" voice.She has already had a very good long hot shower, got her back in bed to now lie on ice pack I bough her for lower back and ice pack for right groin, she is to lie there at least 30 minutes unles she catches on fire. Basically, she is having bad muscle spasms and freaks. Well that is what I have been dealing with since Thursday's drama of dealing with her and I realize I can/will not live like that.That was like letting the inmates run the asylum.Oh don't feel to sorry for her , she is also on 200mg morphine a day due to osteoarthritis. I have NEVER told her I don't believe her when she complains of pain, I believe her very much, just that there is no need to repeat if 12 gajillion times(new number) just do what I say and you Will feel better. I was a good nurse for 30 years and I got people worse off than her out of a bed, of course I got cussed out and d*mned to h*ll more than a few times, but they lived and even thanked me at the end of the day that they actually felt better.If I am to survive this I am going to have to be a combo of Nurse Ratchet, Patch Adams, Rambo,Dr, Kildare,Gandi,Attilla the Hun,Mother Teresa(just a very small part of that) you get the idea.My neck can no longer literally pull on her physically or emotionally.If anyone thinks I am selfish, send me a private message and believe me you will get an ANSWER.I vow I will not cancel another one of my PT sessions or MD appts because of mom unless she is having a medical emergency and that is what 911 and god bless us her fantastic insurance is for. I ALWAYS meet her medical needs, never guaranteed always meet her vampiric narcissistic needs, try to meet wants if possible.Example of one of her wants, she has a 50inch tv in her room with full cable, another down in the basement in her 11ft X 11ft "art" room we fixed up for her,she messed with the control and now can only get fox news on it but that is all she watches anyway,she now wants MY tv in the den where I watch movies, H*ll to the NO on that one , ain't gonna happen,.Told her to show me in the bible she likes to "throw" at me where god commanded children that "thou shalt provide thy mom with 3 50inch tvs".I never promised her I would be Mary Poppins but I won't let people take advantage of her financialy, she won't have to live in fear, I take care of her 2 little dogs along with my 6,she gets great meals on demand from the greatest short order cook ever, my husband.She BM's like an Olympic champ EVERY 24 hrs despite the high amount of opiates she is on,I do this for someone I HATE, that was emotionally abusive to me.My therapist thinks I over compensate because I HATE her so much, looks like that worked out good for mom.She gets to church and gets to hair salon once every week,also pedicures and manicures when she wants at a salon. I think finally my guilt is fading away mostly because of the neck surgery I had about 8weeks ago, muscle spasms are a b*tch,but I am sticking with the PT.Well,that's about it at least for this am. I love this site, I read a lot of the postings and wish I could send money or some kind of relief,.I know I actually have it good and count my blessings sometimes between clenched teeth.Please, everybody be good to themselves. if you need to get out of the caregiving situation , get out, please try not to feel guilty,when this mess fall on one person's shoulders it is sometimes to much,save yourself.