I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
still gonna spend every moment possible with my aunt because i love her and she needs me .
i still hope to jerk around on this site for fun / entertainment , especially with winter approaching again , however i hope to try to find more lighter things out of our general day to day learning experiences than just the heartache and gloom that most caregivers are mired in . that muck is f - ing potentially deadly and im ready to move on with my life after caregiving .
i like this site and the extremely mature people here . very special people imo , but as always if i have nothing uplifting or lighthearted to say i wont comment at all ..
--- so nothings changed ---
gonna handpick a load of stone , cut wood , AND see my crazy aunt .
tried to visit my old probation officer yesterday to tell him the good news bout the hepc victory but he was out of office . we used to die laughing during our visits . i told him once that dollar per dollar , probation was cheaper than therapy -- bout had him crying / laughing .. he he
( long bike ride , hand full of pills , long story )
God is keeping his eyes on you but maybe he is busy right now comforting the people in other places who have watched their loved ones being massacred before their eyes or known their daughters have been dragged away to become sex slaves or sold to become a drudge in this country or those young chidren sent on a perilous journey from central America to face an uinknown future. God has not forgotten you. He knows you are such a strong woman he has entrusted Mama's care to you because you will do it right unlike your other useles family members who can't be bothered and unless she was rich would have sent her to a N/H at the earliest opportunity. Things are just that things. What really matters is the love and compassion in your soul. Take a few minutes to think about how bad you are.
I am a failure.
I am weak
I am afraid to trust in God.
I do everything wrong.
Tell yourself these things for 15 minutes and then stop and contradict these thoughts. can you say these things to yourself out loud for 15 minutes. At the end of that time you will say "Just a minute, how can I be doing everything wrong when I have given up my life and joyfully taken the best care I know how of Mama?"
" What has happened to my financial life is because of the choices I made and the love in my heart that led me to where I am today. I may never be rich but God is meeting my needs"
Take a deep breath and stand up tall and firmly tell yourself. "I am going to make it"
You are right Jeanette...it will end...it is almost over...there is nothing more I can do...I have no other choice than to put it out of my mind...as much as I don't want to even go back...I must tomorrow as there is a picture of my Mama that I MUST have....and so while I go get that, I will get as much as I can cram in my brother's car and he is going to take care of Mama...that may be interesting.. :) and I will...once and for all...say goodbye to that part of my life....forever.....I never WANT to go back.....
I've been icing my back so much it is completely numb, the pain is so intense though it stabs right through the numbness. On a funny note, I have realized that I snore while trying to sleep upright.
Mom's been on a 2 day non sleep marathon, which doesn't help me recuperate....I need to find on of those alarms you can put on her pj's and attach the other end to her pillow, this way if she gets out of bed I will know. Poor thing keeps ending up sleeping on the floor. It took me 20 minutes to help her up and back into bed...
The new caregiver starts today.... I really hope this works out.
looloo....I have just called an attorney in town to whom I was referred a few years before this happened regarding another matter and while I didn't think they handled real estate law, I figured they could refer me to someone who might help relieve my mind...first of all, the sweet woman who answered was such a kind and caring soul and she went the extra mile helping me find several folks to call....of all of those I called one, why I don't know, but the name sounded familiar, turns out he went to school with me and was in my brother's graduating class...He was very very kind and took the time to listen to me and then he told me that I did not need to worry about what I was worrying about...He explained it to me and now I can't recite it to save me, but he told me the first mortgage would of course take precedence, but then the second mortgage could purchase the property from the first mortgage, which is pretty common apparently and I guess that is what my realtor has been trying to explain to me, and same with the lien....but that the second mortgagor and the lienholder should not be able to come at me for liens on that property....so hearing that has brought a LOT of much needed peace of mind....so from here, I am going to turn it over to God...I don't know what else to do...I'm going to try to believe He is going to handle this....I hate mself for the doubt I am experiencing, but I am going to try, one more time, to have faith....I am so tired...but that information gives me some peace....and all of you have brought me comfort and a virtual hug as well...thank you all so much...
And google bankruptcy attorneys in your area, and call one (or two) today.
If, at the end of today, you have a clearer picture of where you stand, and you have some support, and a plan, I promise, the feelings of despair will begin to fade, and you'll realize that you're stronger and have a lot more influence than you realized. Take CARE, hugs...
Phoenix03, I am guessing there are some groups around, but right now I don't even have time to check on them...I am going to have to find the time, I'm going to crack and then where will Mama be.....I know I won't get into heaven with hate in my heart...but to be honest, right now I HATE my family, not my Mama or brother.....but I hate my family...every last one of them.....I have never known so much anger and resentment in my life....maybe I can at least be an example of what not to become if nothing else
Remove the problem people from your social media, you don't need that.
You are exhausted, hurt, angry and the world looks like such an ugly place to be.....but with all that is going on.... you have every right to feel defeated.....
For me, I didn't want to be dead as much as I just wanted some relief..... some rest from it all.....
If you look back, you will see how hard you have worked, fought, and persevered...... so there is no way you are stupid.... you are hurt and angry, but are not stupid.....
Please find yourself some help..... call somebody, anybody.... go check yourself into the hospital..... you are very courageous.....very !!!! Please don't give up on your life..... am sending you lots of gentle hugs and buckets of understanding..... I have been there, and I made it to the other side with lessons learned.... as weary as I was..... I was so proud of myself on the other side...... please keep us updated.... I am worried about you...