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Captain, while I do totally agree with you re the non need for focus on material things..absolutely I agree, that isn't the main issue here for me....I, of all people, do NOT put the import on material things like a lot of folks do, but this particular person arrived late, was plenty perky til she saw the magnatude of what she was taking on and then began complaining a great deal about how heavy Mama was, what dead weight she was, etc etc in FRONT OF HER. I have taken care of Mama over two years before we got any assistance from anyone. Mama is not a big woman, she is just a very frail and helpless woman. It was aggravating to me to hear the lady start talking about needed a lot of other helpers to come in to turn her...the other one we did have was a much smaller, young girl and she had no problem turning Mom, ONCE and doing everything she needed to do, this one turned her so many times it was painful to Mama...and during all the turning that part had nothing to do with her gowns, just the way this particular one did her thing...she had been doing this for over thirty years she said, and I'm sure she is fine , just don't think going to be a good fit for us. The only thing that matters to me is Mama's safety and comfort..and happiness. It takes me longer to bathe her, but when I do I sing to her, laugh with her, talk to her and it is almost an enjoyable experience for her...so I am thinking I may just take a break just for a bit on the bathing and see if I can do that part myself...It's not about the gowns...it's about respect for my Mama.
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Just read Cap;s post,now I really feel like a whiner. Just venting. Postop day #17 after my neck surgery, doing PT but it is rough, I have to get better, my mother is moving around better than me, just feeling sorry for myself this am and I hate feeling that way.Just start to get overwhelmed because so much depends on me being up and around here.I hate having to deal with my mother's business, the constant doctor appointments, she will find something that she thinks she needs to see the MD now, I just start saying you want to go to the the ER, she turns me down because she knows they won't admit her just for pain, she is on180mg morphine a day. Just got turned down by my insurance for a PET scan because I haven't had an abnormal stress test, I guess the reasoning is if I drop dead on the treadmill they won't had to do the test.
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just read the last couple pages of posts . i think i see people struggling with the constant and terminal decline of aging / dying elders . resisting damage to pretty gowns or nice socks just aint the way its going to go down . i think all material things become a non issue in relation to the comfort and well being of the patient . we all have an afinity for comforting material things but my aunt just entered NH , never to leave there and a stuffed animal , a pic of her late husband , and a couple pair of pants is the extent of her earthly possessions .
your elders are going to be gone forever soon . just try to be kind to them , its all they have left .
gosh , it was at this time a year ago that i brought home the morphine and ativan liquids for mom . terminal agitation had set in . i remember the skeptical but trusting look she gave me as i gave her the first doses under her tongue . good night , mom . you cant live like this and shouldnt have to anymore ..
life has promise , gain , satisfaction , then it has loss , heartache , pain , death .
im looking back this morning . its all been seasons .
im going to see my aunt -- while i still can ..
there are no do overs , let mom dump tea down her leg . its her leg and her tea . the rest is just stuff . its all going into a dumpster ..
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I'm with you on the pretty night gowns, Hope - I had a similar experience with an OT telling me to cut the seams on mother's cashmere bed socks. Didn't argue with her, just thought "I. Don't. Think. So." Would it be worth getting her some easier to handle pyjamas for bathing days?

My whine moment today is about battles. You're not supposed to treat them like children. You're not supposed to think they are morons. So what are you supposed to do when they behave like moronic children? Yes, it's the classic petty nonsense: mother persists in holding her tea cup on her knee, instead of keeping it on her overchair table. Then she nods off, then the cup tips, then… so far no scalds (more by luck than judgement) but at this rate her very expensive riser recliner chair won't be with us for long. Plus I am getting extremely tired of washing cushions and scrubbing upholstery. So what are you supposed to do? Stand over them? Not allow them to have unsupervised drinks? Superglue the cup to the table and give her a straw?

So I go in and she's faffing about in sodden clothes dabbing tissues at the chair and then there's a heap of b.s. about how she 'missed' the edge of the table (no she didn't - the table was on the opposite side from the spill) - and, seriously, what are you supposed to say? Trill a light laugh and say oh dearie me not to worry? No good crying over spilt tea? Bollocks. I'm so sick of it.
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Well, our new Hospice provider is excellent BUT....the bathing aid is going to have trouble moving Mama. My Mama is not a large woman but she is totally bedfast and cannot lift her arms, legs, anything, so pretty much "dead weight" as far as moving her goes. The lady who came today was very sweet, but it took her forever and I had to help her, also, she started insisting I cut all of Mamas pretty gowns...which I am NOT going to do as no one else has had any trouble putting them on her, including me.....honestly, it takes me one third the time, and I am thinking I would rather just do the bathing alone than have to do this.... "sigh".......at least the rest of the services provided are excellent....
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toomuch...what if your sister thought you were out of there??? why can't she pay someone different?
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Gosh Emjo and i have lots of flight socks here but i only used them for long haul it was only a 2 and a half hour flight but i think it was the incredible heat there aswell! if they dont go down tomorrow ill see the doc!

Sister said mum was "fine"???????????? but then sis dosnt spend much time here she goes into town and meets friends she always has an agenda?

anyway shes coming home again in Sep so ill make sure i get away then also! mum seems to be ok no drama but shes sleeping alot? making a mess everywhere she thought it would be nice for her to clean my room when i was away? what could i say but i cant find anything now!!
Oh heres to going away again!!!!!!!!!!!!! really pigged out in spain and feel bloated and crappy now so will have to get my head around this diet and stick to it though its not easy! everytime i got up to go in the pool i had to suck my tummy in!!! but nobody knew me there so i didnt really care well i did but the food was too tempting! couldnt fit into my dresses so its not worth it may just stay off the wheat and dairy and be done with it!
Off now to snuggle up to my cat hes been very cautious of me now im home and is checking in on me all day to make sure i havnt gone off again! so cute he also left me a dead bird at the door this morning!! what a pet! i can tell he missed me!
How is your mum doing at NH?
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I have had that happen. Things that helped were putting support/compression stockings and keeping my feet up. Putting them on before you travel for the duration of the flight is even better. One trip overseas, my ankles swelled so I sat with my feet up for a day, then decided I had come over to do things and went for a long walk through an outdoor museum. By the time I got back to where I was staying my ankles were back to normal. Walking helps the circulation. I used tension bandages for the trip home that time. They don't show if you wear slacks.
Understand the depression. ((((((hugs))))) How did your mum behave for a week?
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Big whine! woke up this morning with HUGE ankles?? water retention i think? dont know how to get rid of it but am drinking lots of water but they seem to be getting bigger? must have been the flight but have never had this before?
anyone know how to get my ankles back?
Bit depressed since i came back as dont want to be here! bored stupid already!
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FreqFlyer, I think its a requirement for aging parents to call between 5:00-6:00am with whatever they have on their minds at the time. On the first day my children were away, my father knocks on my door at 6am to "discuss" one of his bills. Needless to say that conversation did not go well.
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I hear you there, freqflyer. I *hate* late night, middle of the night, or early a.m. phone calls - that's when the "bad" phone calls come - someone has been injured or passed away, etc. There's usually nothing good in those phone calls.
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Nope, hope cannot dump her because Im not paying her. On more than one occasion this weekend my family made it clear that the HHA Aide and I are on the same level. (In other words put up or shutup). She's the paid help, Im the "help" in exchange for room and board.
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My whine of the day is a simple one.... my Mom had a doctor appt at 9:00 a.m. and we were going to drive her there using either my Dad's car or our own.

So at 6:45 this morning [we were still asleep] Dad calls saying their car won't start. SERIOUSLY, he could have called us two hours later as we live just around the corner, and our vehicles do start.

An early morning jolt out of sleep telephone ringing isn't a good way to begin the morning :P
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I'm trying to be so patient....but it's so hard today.

Mom has gone back to not changing her pads again. (Incontinence pads.) So I remind her when she goes into the bathroom....and again while she's in there, because she goes in there and "just sits" for like 30 minutes....and when she comes out, I ask, "Did you get a clean pad on, Mom?" - Nope. Then she says, "I took the other one off" - right, but did you put a clean one on? No. How about if you do that - because we've already gone through 2 chair pads today. She says "In a little bit." (sigh - from me). 20 mins later, I ask if she's going to go put a pad on. Ok - so into the bathroom she goes. Another 30 minute "sit" in the bathroom, with me reminding her gently to put a pad on while she's in there. She emerges, and I ask if she put a pad on - NO, AGAIN!! (Seriously frustrated by this time.) I ask her why now - she says she took the old one off and was going to get in the shower soon. Uh...that's not the point!! The point is that while she is sitting on her chair, she is leaking constantly, and when she gets up, she WILL have an accident, because she's not wearing a pad! Which means I will have to wash ANOTHER chair pad, wipe up the floor AGAIN and wash even more laundry than I'm already doing.

She is resisting showering more and more lately, too. All day long, we've played the shower game. She actually told me at one point to start the shower and adjust the water for her (something new she's added to my list of daily to-do's, but she can do herself. I started to go into the bathroom to do it, and she said, "Why don't you sit down for a while?" WTH???? Told her I was going to start the shower, and she said just to wait a while. So then I asked if she was going to shower a while later, and she said, yes, she was waiting for me to start the water! (Are you KIDDING me??) I told her I would, but she had just told me to sit down! She said, "Well, I thought you needed to rest for a while!"

I think I'm seriously losing my mind.
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I hired a nice young man to do all of the outside work. My whine is I should have did this long ago!! Too much to take care of mom, dogs, house, yard, food, clothes...oh yeah, and me!!

Her right foot has been hurting her and is a bit swollen. Been soaking it in epsom salt and elevating it. I find it hard to deal with other people's feet.... sigh.

Her perception is so off the charts these days... that is a big frustration as the smallest task becomes biggies. This whole thing just sucks... try to do good, be good and helpful, learn patience and the whole shibang that goes with AD and caretaking only to get shot down with "this tastes like sh*t". Sigh. ON a positive side.... mom doesn't fart a lot (least that I know of) she does however, belt out the worlds longest burps ... sigh sigh sigh
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My mother has always claimed to be a dog lover, and in some ways that is true. But as a dog parent, she doesn't do anything for it that doesn't interest her. My father would be the one to let them in and out, take them for walks, and he prepared their meals and washed their dishes. He gave them baths. My mother would give them all treats at the table, pet them, and decide which ones were 'smart' and which were 'stupid'. When my father died 4+ years ago, their dog stopped getting any exercise, never met other dogs, never did anything except eat. He's a dachsund mix, and is the fattest thing you've ever seen. My mother just says "Do you think maybe he's a little spoiled?" As if it's cute. And no, I don't think he's spoiled, I think he's mistreated in many ways. But he's a rescue, is now probably around 15 years old, and probably has had a comparitively good life after being adopted by my parents. I had agreed early on to take him if he outlives both my parents, but am praying that doesn't happen. I love my household now with the dog my husband and I have, and do not want to figure out how to incorporate an elderly, obese, and very neurotic dog into our lives. And yes, I am a total dog lover -- but with this one dog, I have never really bonded. That's never happened to me with ANY dog before.
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A little eyeball whine here...finally got Mom to try to read (after simple procedure two weeks ago) and she was complaining that her eyes water when she reads. And that she can't see the photos on the fridge with the glasses. She admitted she hasn't been able to read in over a year.... my fear is that she now has AMD in her left eye, which we'll know about next month. She's getting more confused about what we tell her. Oh dear heavens, Dad's dementia was awful, but Mom's baseline personality is narcissistic and nasty. I can't even imagine her personality with this horrid illness.
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Over the years I've driven a 400 mile round trip to collect mother's then dog twice when she was hospitalized with stroke and a 400 mile round trip each time to take the dog back when she got home. One was so morbidly obese I couldn't find a coat to fit it (it was mid winter) and while I was at work each day it hopped off the couch and pooped on the carpet. The other, a poodle, didn't have much between its ears and it diarrhea'd all over my home, including the couch and my bed for two weeks. When told she said "Oh dear, she must have missed me". No thought of the cost of getting my home cleaned :(

I inherited her last dog and cat when they were three and thankfully they've turned out to be normal critters.
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Heidi if he's your FIL why can't your hubby, his son, lend a hand?
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And she coughs and sneezes with her mouth open too. Always has. Anywhere, doesn't matter if it's out in the open, or at the table at a nice dinner with guests. Ewwwwwwwww!
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All your whines have been mine w/my mother since I was a kid! The gross habits, the overindulgent pet feeding. I don't do hands on care (THANK GOD), but growing up with it was yucky, and seeing it now is just as bad. Except that now, her behavior is attached to me in a way it wasn't before. Like it's my fault that the dog is morbidly obese, and gets no exercise or socialization. Or it's my fault that she leaves used fly swatters on the kitchen counter and table!!!!
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Oh God please don't start me on tissues…

Litldogtoo, maybe she ignores the farting because she can't hear it, do you think? My mother was the sort of person who (seriously) expected a person to retire to the bathroom "if you need to do *that*" - now, she trots along farting in time to her footsteps.

It was only a problem the one time, when beautifully brought-up Lovely Nephew 4 came to visit her and we unintentionally made each other corpse over it. My sister didn't know which of us to be angry with.
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OMG. I am so with you. Tissues everywhere. "Boofing" while at the dinner table, "boofing" walking anywhere, overflowing depends, no bathroom hygiene, no idea what he's supposed to do next. I'm exhausted. FIL up at 1:00 am taking this mornings medication. Up all night. Got dogs up all night. Calling me from down stairs to my bedroom asking if it's time to get up yet. I'm tired. I'm tired of having to explain each next little thing to do. I'm tired of trying to act interested in his babbling words. I'm tired of having to non stop accommodate him at every turn because he had Alz and that's what we are told to do. It's not humanly possible to continually appease him. Each day is ground hog day with the unpredictable twist of what additional part of FILS brain is missing today. I do have compassion. I think what is happening up him is hideous. That does not change the fact that I'm exhausted and there is still no relief in sight. I just want to let him fend on his own for a day but where would that get either of us? More work in the end. This just sucks.

Please excuses bad attitude. I am praying.
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I guess you can be glad she is peeing and pooping in the toilet not bedbound and able to get herself a snack. if seriously worried what she is doing in the fridge. Get a second one with a lock for your stuff and just leave enough in the other for 24 hours
As far as the bathroom is concerned put a lock on the outside of the door and tell her it is broken. Give her a comode in her room and see how she does with that.
old hahits will only get worse I am sorry to tell you. Old guts don't work as well as younge ones and burping and farting come with the territory just keep her away from visitors. Sorry for your plight you get a gold star for taking care of Mom even if she is frustrating.
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Maybe we should make a gas mask the international sign of the caregiver. Sometimes I wished I had one when I'm walking behind my mother. She simply says, "Oops. I'm glad I got that out of me before we get to ..."

My mother doesn't understand the concept of germs. She'll run water in the morning for dishes and use the same cold water all day long for new dishes if I don't drain it. Anything she can't see, smell, or feel doesn't really exist.

And drains... don't get me started. I bought a strainer to help keep food from going down the kitchen sink. So she removes the strainer before she does the dishes. She tries to tell me that she does when she empties the strainer in the trash. The only place she empties the strainer is down the sink so the water will drain faster. I have to unplug the kitchen sink several times a month. We don't have a garbage disposal.
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Over feeding pets seems to be a "thing" with the elderly. When I inherited my mother's little dog, miniature pinscher x, she was a whopping 28lb and obnoxious. After 18 months of proper food and exercise she's a trim 20lb and the sweetest little thing.
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Oh, and what about when they burp and fart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She just walked into the room and just let out a huge one but she just walks around, like nothing is happening! I think I'm in some sort of hormonal phase today! Everything she is doing so far is driving me nuts! My God, just shoot me! Plus she's always, always putting her hands in the rubbish to put something in. She can't drop it in like normal people. She has to put it in. Years ago, she used to do this and twice she was taken to the ER with a cut on her finger from canned stuff (before recycling). I remember my dad getting really angry with her for doing this. I don't know how he ever lived with this woman before he died!

And TISSUES! There are tissues all over the place. She uses them to wipe her face, never blows her nose, just lets it run (this is something she did when I was younger, as if she'll blow a gasket or something if she actually blows her nose!)

Yesterday, she jammed the toilet at least once. The day before, "Will you come look at this'...What! Come look at what! So, there's a little pee in there with tons of toilet paper and I flush it and boom! Up it all comes. She says, "I pooped" ...
No, you didn't ma, you peed. Then she says, Well, I pooped a little while ago.

So out comes the plunger and she watches. I have to tell her to get out of the bathroom, please! I'm plunging, she's watching some infomercial on television and thinking it's a show!
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OMG Daughter! My mother was feeding the dog GRAPES one day.

Me: What are you doing?!!!!!
She: She loves the grapes!

Well, if you have a dog you know grapes are really bad for dogs, i.e., probably deadly.

So, I ask her how many did she feed her?

She: Not many.
Me: Now many?!!!!

Always, always there is no answer after that.

The dog was fine, but gees, I've told her before, DO NOT FEED THE DOG!
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Little Whine: I was out with the dog no longer than what? a minute? and my mother is getting her own orange juice. I come back in and she's pouring some juice back into the juice container. So, I say, "What are you doing?' She says: I had too much juice. I say: "Did you drink out of that glass?"

Now this is when she usually doesn't answer me, in fact, many times if I confront her with something like, "Hey, the toilet isn't flushing, what's up?" She'll say, "I didn't do it". So, she says to me: I'm not dirty, my germs aren't dirty".

ICK. I'm going to die doing this! I swear, I'm the one who's going to go nuts!

Each day I wake up I believe I'm in the movie Groundhog Day where that reporter is doomed to repeat his day forever!

Take a deep breath! Close my eyes. Try to remember what it was like before last year!
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One whine...today. Anyone have a parent who INSISTS on feeding your pet extra food when you ask them not to. I have a cat that I TAKE CARE OF. I feed it and water it every day. I groom it and take it to the vet when needed. I have asked my mom and asked her and asked her over and over to PLEASE NOT FEED THE CAT! I tell her there is food and water down for her at all times. My cat is not skinny (13 lbs). Lately I find full bowls of milk on the floor. I tell her and even make huge signs: DO NOT GIVE CAT FOOD OR MILK. This morning I find another bowl on the floor. I can't decide if she's doing it to just defy me cause she is stubborn as Taurus h*ll or what.
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