This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Do you have POA both financial and health? if not try and get her to give you that. Try and get her to a lawyer perhaps on the pretext of updating her Will and have the lawyer sugest the POA. it is possible she will agree as he is an authority figure. You can also discuss while with the lawyer if she wants to be a DNR ( Do not resuscitate) and just what she wants to happen if she suddenly has a heart attack or stroke. She needs to tell you if she would want to be kept alive with a breathing machine and be tube fed if there was not hope of recovery. these things need to be taken care of anyway if not already done.
None of this is going to be easy as you are dealing with an irrational woman who is loosing touch with reality and can only get worse
As far as the pills are concerned try setting up a pill box ad then remove all the bottles till you .have to fill the box next time. You can either do it for a whole week or if you are there every just one day at a time.
Talk to her Dr and ask him to arrange for cognitive testing. Unless you have POA he can't discuss anything with you but he can certainly listen to what you tell him. take it slowly one step at a time and realize she actually can no longer control this kind of behavior.
I am just a few Steps ahead of you in your journey. My Mom too had a bad time after my Dad died. Lots of calls and wanted no help. Finally she has antidepressants now. My Mom also has dementia. I give her pills 2 x a day myself. She adjusted to sleeping alone abd not being so scared but it took quite awhile. I think we as kids have more actual panic then our parent! I had to learn to just take the phone calls, reassure her as much as possible, and let her learn to be on her own like the Doctor said. She is not willing or really needing to move from her house yet. But she did take a long time learning to be okay by herself. Someone else will have great ideas here. I'm just sharing my story with you. And boy....what a common story this all is!
My biggest issue was trying to keep my parents from getting it. Wearing mask, staying in one room away from them, washing hands WELL before touching anything, then disinfecting everything I touched afterwards. They just don't seem to get it.
I did read that taking Tamiflu helps reduce how contagious the flu is too. Is that true?
We get home and they can't assemble the nebulizer, so, I'm trying to do that with mask on face, wearing gloves,......You know, you really do need a backup plan in case you ALL get sick. I don't provide hands on daily care for them, but, even what I do handle, it was a bear and not feasible. But, how do you call people to come help out to house with sick and contagious people in it? I hate to do that to family and friends who have their own health issues.
What a lesson learned. Oh, I have another horror story of the ER visit on Saturday night, but, I'm too drained to do it now. I need my rest. lol
I went in today to make a payment plan for the coffin/services. I chose the cheapest coffin {Who cares if people complain how plain the coffin is - I'll be dead anyway.} So, coffin + prof services (hospital, my dead body & day of funeral) + family coach + interest rate for 7 year plan = $5831.00! There was a 10-yr plan but just the thought of owing someone 10 years is mindboggling. Especially since I won't know if I will still have a job for that long.
Those caregivers didn't reach the stage I was in. Only one lady, with her husband as the one needing caregiving, was in the same stage as me. I was shocked that she was blacking out. She would lose hours and completely 100% not remember it. Even when someone told her what happened on those missing hours - she. could. not. remember. it. As she was telling the visiting speaker of our group about this, I gasped and said softly, "You too!!" She turned around and looked at me. Looking at me, she continued describing her 'forgotten' situation, I was nodding emphatically. I said that I wrote a note down but have Absolutely. No. Recall. of that phone call! It was in the afternoon but my note was dated on that day - that morning. I told her that it's happened several times, too - where I lost 15minutes.... The speaker asked if anyone else had experienced this. No one. The speaker looked worried. I think she emphasized strongly that we seek medical help.
In all my years of caregiving, this is the best place to find people who KNOWS what we are going through. Who can give you advice and even short cuts. I believe twice, I was contacted in my message wall on how to change a bedridden person's pamper. They wanted step-by-step instructions. I had no problem providing it because I watched the caregivers do it with my mom, plus I also googled for hours on tips of doing it..... So if someone here has info that you would like more info on, don't hesitate to contact them on their message wall/board.
As for my sibs, when my mom was alive, I updated all my sibs with one email and copied all of them on it. That was sufficient for everyone. If mom ended up going to the hospital, I would send a text message to 2 sibs in the states and they know that it's up to them to alert the others in the states.... My siblings from the states would call me and let me vent about mom/dad. Now that both parents are gone, they've stopped calling. I miss getting those phone calls....
Sometimes I think my family asked things but didn't want to know. They ask because they're supposed to or something, but when I would try to tell more details (that they ASKED for), they clearly were tuned out, were ready to move on to other topics.
I'm sure your sibs do care about your mom's well being, Mountain. But... I do think they ask out of formality more than anything sometimes. At least my sibs were like that.
The thing is Mom is my siblings' predominant focus and ask constantly about her (as they should). I keep them informed of everything (as I should).
Then she hounded me about doing a hobby. Tried to tell her I'm too worn out to concentrate, whereupon she interrupts and yammers on and on. She turns everything to her when I try to explain what's going on me and my fatigue, whatever, and she'll interrupt me and turn it toward herself. Example: I tried to vent one day how this neighborhood is so noisy I'm on constantly on edge. She interrupted me: "I like this neighborhood!" Needless to say, I quit talking.
Anyway, this morning I tried again to tell her about my perspective and she interrupted me again, "I just go into the basement and make my wind chimes." I lost my temper and yelled, "We're not talking about you, we're talking about me!"
Silence. She said, "I'm hanging up now." Me: "See you tomorrow."
After a shower I sent her a text apologizing for yelling and that I was just too worn out. Haven't heard from her.
I'm so sick and tired at having no one listen to me. They've told me to get some counseling but none of them ensure I have assured time off to go do anything. They're so wrapped up in their own little world, interrupt me, turn all conversation to themselves, while I'm suffering having left my home empty in another state, taking care of our mother, her house, and her paperwork--and doing a great job if I say so myself...which apparently I have to since no one else will say it.
At the funeral, my first cousin from the states, one of aunty's daughters, hugged me warmly. I was surprised. She told me that cousin D will be getting my phone number. I was confused. Anyway, when oldest bro & his wife came to offer their condolences, she told him that 'his girls' were here earlier. They were puzzled. They only have 1 daughter and she's working that day. Fave sis and I burst out laughing when he said that she thought we were his daughters.... Some people also thought fave sis and I were our oldest sister's daughters. I still chuckle over this... (oldest bro is only 5 years older than me, oldest sis is 8 years older than me.)
Second, we usually receive the automatic house insurance renewal policy. We didn't get it. I'm assuming the house insurance company found out that dad's no longer here. So, they didn't renew it. When mom had passed away, I took her death certificate to take her name out of the house insurance policy. They told me that only my dad can make the changes. I said fine. If it doesn't bother them, then it shouldn't bother me. Maybe on Sunday, when things calm down, I will bring dad's bills and give it to bro. I can pay it but... he's the Executor... Let's hope the house doesn't burn down between now and when bro gets off his bottom and does something about it.
She then asked me how many rosaries have I attended. I snorted and said just that one time on Saturday (to show face to the mourning family.) I don't have to go to the rosaries because I'm not Catholic... So, how many times have She went to the rosaries? She defensively said that they shouldn't expect weak Catholics to go the rosary faithfully! (ahem... yes, in our culture, when a close relative, like Aunty - who is Dad's brother's wife - we must go to every rosary. Period.) But I didn't say anything. This is between her, her religion and her conscience... Anyway, I have my own to deal with...
Mom was kept in the ambulance bay when she was sent to ER until space opened up inside and I had to go on a hunt for tamiflu which the pharmacy was out of when she was discharged
Nearly everyone at work is coughing their germs all over