This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I hail from an area that was known for decent fall color (decent for not being New England!), but that has gone down the dumper the past 5 years or so. With this year being the worst. Trees are mostly green and going straight to “brown and down.” I see the occasional yellow and rarer red here and there, but it’s mostly dismal.
I don’t even like autumn that much! Gateway to winter + early dark = BLECH. But still. Losing that touchstone visual cue is really messing me up.
I am angry a lot and trying to figure out why besides the aboivious. I tried the gym (hate working out). Trying to eat better (love to cook). Not sure why I am so flippant towards my dad. Every day I try to be the good son but something he says or does gets under my skin. I try to ignore it but...
Dad raves to the family and friends how great he is and how everything he does is so over the top. We try meals and the conversation always goes back to him. He reminds me of the guy who says "enough about me, what do you thing about me?" I am grumpy, snarky and sullen a lot. Wife and I are planning a quick get away before the daughter moves so we can have someone make sure the house doesn't burn down. Want to figure a way to get dad to my sisters for the holidays....
Thought about therapy but had difficult experiences as a child. Not sure I am ready for that.
Right now trying to read that will lighten my mood and focus on my business. Focusing on my wife to care for her (medical issues popped up this year I believe mostly stress) Maybe once the kids move out it will be a little better...... I adore my daughter but I want her to have her own place for her, she needs and deserves it (although I wish better circumstances).
Chris,
No one actually acts on the many things mentioned, such as putting your mother's belongings on the deck to sort if there is rain forecast.
That is what is unique....letting off steam, is helpful, and has no adverse consequences.
I am pretty sure you understood that. But thought I would bring it up because my husband takes things very literally. Joking doesn't always cheer him up.
So, I went to work today. The boss came in around 11:00am. He had a marathon of sneezing and then blows his nose. My immediate reaction, “Oh my God, he’s going to give me the flu!” .... The wife comes in at 11:30. She’s sneezing and blowing her nose. ... I fatalistically realized that I have a high percentage of getting the Other flu which involves sneezing, blowing nose...
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Today is my first day back to work. By 2:30pm, I had a pounding headache. My body wanted so badly to cough by afternoon. I was sucking those Halls all afternoon. Went to the bathroom to allow the hacking coughs out. Oh my gosh, my back and upper chest were hurting, esp. the chest. I took Excedrin but it just put a tiny dent on the headache. On the way home, I was NOT in the mood for a microwavable cheeseburger. I stopped by Wendys and picked up a small chili and a side salad. sigh.... it was delicious going down. I still have left over chili. I will have it for tomorrow's dinner. .. I am soooo tired. I think I will sleep early tonight. I still have my headache. Maybe I should take another Excedrin before it starts gaining on the pain dept...
You just earned yourself an "E" ticket ( disneyland ride reference) to posting on the "Caregivers Behaving Badly" thread! Where we are all experts at expressing our anger and frustrations in a bratty way. Putting her stuff out on the deck to sort is perfect!
It would be so much more bad if there is rain in the forecast, get it? Lol.
Sorry you are being frustrated.
So sorry her symptoms are affecting you. Seems she picks you to pick on.
And yes, she is focusing on you! What do you think she needs?
1. She has major trouble with her memory.
2. She keeps losing her hearing aids.
3. She keeps doing things without thinking.
4. She still wants' a guy in town to go through her computers to store the data. She doesn't want me to do it.
I think I will put her stuff out on the deck. So she can sort through it out there.
Is your cold better yet?
Pammzi,
Have a great vacation!
I have financed myself into oblivion trying to keep this party going. This might be my year for chapter 7, yay! Lol. I truly do nothing but work, take care of bills,the apt, dad..and then try to sleep.
I hope this is my last year of " custody" of dad. My sister is working on dad's VA benefits, so there is hope for me yet.
I'm so glad I found this site.
Got some great advice and links for help, just wish help didn't take so long,lol.
Isn't this when your father said to let him know when your mother gets worse?
So sorry her symptoms are affecting you. Seems she picks you to pick on.
And yes, she is focusing on you! What do you think she needs?
Because I know you NEED a bike ride!
Take some deep breaths. Give her a box of her own stuff to sort and throw out, this will distract her.
Welcome back, nice to see you posting again!
That must be an extra hard dose of tough circumstances, seeing Mom suffer through what you hope to conquer and survive long term, for yourself, and I just don't know what to say, except wanting to encourage you in your continuing successful journey.
You are not alone, this thread has some really good people posting!
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2. Cat dish bowl no longer cat dish bowl because she thinks it was for human consumption....she is the one that bought it for the cat.
3. Bungee cord-type shoe laces she gave me. She wants back because I haven't used them yet.
Her failing memory knows no bounds.
I hate to say this after that... but I am doing great today! Took Mom to Aunts for a 10 day break,, lots of things planned up there. Hubs and I are going to the river house next week for 4 days of relaxation.. ( and NO his father is not coming this time!.. I hope) We are going to get it ready to close for the season,, but mainly relax and regroup. I also got my hair done today,, short and sassy for the first time in years! I love it!
If your mother won't make a decision, you should do it for her. Weigh up the pros and cons - and if you don't find that the right facility, carefully chosen, wins hands-down I'll be very surprised - and present her with just the one option, costed, planned and ready for signature.
Apart from anything else, if she is scared to be left alone then in practical terms alone she needs to be in a well-staffed community. That in itself makes the idea of her living in your home unfeasible: you and your wife would become prisoners in your own home.
Set a deadline. Do the research. Crack on. You don't have to be brutal about it, just practical.
It is because both you and Book are like the energizer bunnies.
Three flights of stairs, and many sick people would faint.
Caregiver Olympics, it sounds like.