This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
How are you doing, Book? Are all the memorial services and wakes complete? You still have siblings visiting? Just thinking about you... 💛
My battery is good even after the 3 yr. battery life. If it started to give me any trouble, (two calls because it died) I would replace it with a ten-year interstate battery because it is a used car, over 10 years old. Here is what I found online:
"The life expectancy for your car battery is typically between four to six years. Several factors determine how long your battery will last, for example weather conditions, vehicle type and driving habits. There are, however, several key pointers you can utilise to help increase the life expectancy of your car battery."
It is entirely up to you and your comfort level if you get a new battery now. Especially if it only had a 3-yr. warranty. Family may be prejudiced in that they wouldn't want bro blamed for killing your battery. Something has always gone wrong with my car if I allow someone else to drive it. One time it was my fault that someone got 3 speeding tickets while this couple borrowed my car, Lol! My sis said her kids hated the leather seats, that they were uncomfortable! omg. Jealous much? My brother said: "In Italy, those cars are used as taxi-cabs" as a put-down. Forty years later, when he has money-he is driving one-a TAXICAB, I reminded him. Funny to me....No, I take that back...hilarious! Yes?
the sellers of car batteries have a machine that they can check if your battery needs replacing. So don't buy a new one if yours is still good. What your brother did leaving the lights on for five hours was enough to run any battery flat so have it checked before you spend the money. You can also buy rechargeable battery chargers that you keep in the car and if it won't start you jump it with that. Most actually plug into the cigarette lighter So you don't even need to clip it on to the battery. The tow company can even try that before towing the car. Your brothers should have known how to get the car started. Even I can do that and change a wheel if I have to. My usual calls are to be pulled out of the snow. Even that I used to do myself when we owned a big enough tractor.
Many years ago, when my son, who is now in his mid-30s was about 7 or 8, we were driving home from the day camp where I worked during the summers. I got rear-ended badly in my Ford Escort and it wouldn't start again. I was in Coney Island, a sort of disreputable place at the time and suddenly, there were lots of guys who wanted to tow my car to various places. (this was before cell phones).
The police came and asked if I wanted to be towed. I said I needed to call my insurance company and had them stay with my car (and my son) while I walked to a pay phone (remember pay phones?).
So I called my insurance company and got my agent, Brenda and told her what had happened. She told me she would call the company in the area that fixed cars. She gave me the number as well.
The police called a "reliable" tow company. (yes, he was sweaty). I got into the cab with my son and said "wait a minute".
I got out and called the repair place. I said, "i'm being towed by a totally disreputable guy who is going to try to rip me off for the tow. I need to tell him that you are a family member. Can you play along?" The guy on the other end said, " Barb, I'm your Uncle Bob". (yay!!)
I got into the cab and the tow guy, as I expected, tried to talk me into going to his boss' place of business. I ducked my head and and said, no, I can't do that, I have to go to the place I told you. He demanded to know why. I said, "um, he's my father's gumba, he's my uncle Bob; my maiden name is (fill in my actual Italian maiden name).
So, this guy, putting two and two together, the Italian last name, the gumba thing (which is Italian for compadre, and can be a Mafia kind of thing, not that my family is or was) totally freaks out. He's towing a Mafia princess, in his mind.
He treats me like cut glass for the rest of the trip. When I notice that his odometer isn't working, he actually stops and gets a fuse to make it go again.
So we get to "uncle Bob's" repair shop and the tow guy takes off his hat and all but bows to the owner (who of course I've NEVER met before, but we play it up big.
My son still refers to this as "the time Mom was a Mafia Princesss"
I grew up with mindset, passed on to me by my mom, that you called no one except my dad in case of car trouble. I discovered that the rest of the world calls AAA and that they are very reliable.
I'm so glad I was able to only cry teeny tiny bit at the burial. Dad had the army guard of 2, the tap played and I was given the flag. Now I have 2 flags of dad's.
My younger brother left my car's hazard and full beam on for 5 hours. My car wouldn't start when it was time to drive to the cemetery. Everyone says no need to buy a new battery despite my insistence. The battery is from 3 years ago. I will find the time to stop at a mechanic shop and buy a new one. I've gone through 3 cars. I've learned as a single female how vulnerable it is when I'm stranded and can't reach family immediately. I tried repeatedly to explain how terrible it is when your car breaks down and can't reach family immediately. ... fave sis agreed with the others.... fave sis whose husband drops everything for her... SIL whose adult children does the same.... I can call and text everyone but I don't get immediate response.... So, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
A few days after dad died, older sis said that dad must have been ready to die because his spirit didn't visit us. On Sunday night, older sis and I were talking in the Livingroom. Suddenly, this plastic container fell off the cabinet and rolled on the floor. We both paused and looked at the rolling container. I said, "let's ignore it " and continued our conversation.
Today, Monday, I was so tired, I went to take a nap at 12:30 pm. 2 hour nap. In the meantime, older sis and her hubby left to go to the store. Enroute, a cellphone alert pinged beside sis. Hubby told her to check her mobile. Then it pinged again. Sis knew it wasn't her mobile because it's on vibration. Her phone rang. When she answered it, I was on the other line..... it wasn't me on the other line because I was still sleeping. ...
It's now 1:30am I need to get up at 6:00am to get ready for the funeral. I refused to ride the limo hearse on mom's funeral. I and oldest sis will be riding the hearse.
I am not surprised elder brother made fun of you for crying, he's a nasty piece of work and your culture disrespects women.
Keep strong Book you are doing a fine job Dad would be proud of you.
I'm glad our funeral rituals are usually just a day or two of viewing/wake and the funeral itself, dragging things out so long has to be emotionally and physically exhausting.
Today was the Viewing at the funeral home. I sat on the front pew with the family. sigh.... Sitting up front, looking at dad lying in the coffin and listening to Aunty sing this touching song. Let's just say I was emotional. And it didn't help that the older brother that I can't stand - made fun of me and older sis for crying. I got so angry, I wanted to blast him. But I held it in. .. I told SIL that I will not sit in the front pew during the funeral mass. It's very disrespectful for me to not participate in the mass while sitting in the front pew.
I'm emotionally and physically drained. Showing emotions in public is terrible. My aunties and uncles have put a lot of money in helping us with the expenses. SIL won't tell us how much but ...
Family dynamics sucks!
I think part of it was the odor and part was the flickering from the candles... I am hyper-sensitive to flickering. Even those old florescent ceiling lights use to bother me. Thus, I tried to sit where I couldn't see one candle.
Book, hopefully the next few days will fly by for you. (((( ))))
When my parents had passed, everything was pretty simple, viewing was just prior to the Catholic Mass. No gathering afterwards, no family in the area. Burial was out-of-state. No obituary, either. My parents were very private people.