This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It's been windy here. My sinus allergies are having a field day. It includes a stuffy head but no drainage. My left nostril is all stuffed up, it's practically not working. And my right inner ear is screeching nonstop {beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep}.
I tried reading a light short romance freebie ebook. I am soooooo not into romance novels. I think I'm at a stage in my life that reading romance 📚 feels like rubbing salt on an open wound. I definitely need to avoid downloading free romance 📚 . Unless it has humor.
I'm so tired. I forgot... oh, it was ABB who's also experiencing this. We're so exhausted mentally and physically, that even in our 😴 , our brains are working like crazy....
Dad has a weird soon-to-be bedsore. 2 nights ago, I didn't see anything when changing his pamper. Yesterday morning, I found a round mound sore (no broken skin) right where his poop comes to rest after escaping the inner body. That is a very bad place for a bedsore to pop open. No way I can tape gauze if the skin breaks and too close to be contaminated with feces. ... I told dad he needs to drink more water {rolling eyes}, turn on his sides {rolling eyes}, take in more Vit C and protein...... last night, the sore was completely gone. And now the large area of his former bedsore (tailbone area) has a round black spot under his skin. I touched the area. No lump. No bump. Nothing. Yet it's black. I've never seen this before... time to get up. Let's see if this spot is still there.
Windy, I need for dad to sign in 4 different places, 2 per sheet. A few weeks ago, I tried to get him to sign a discontinue letter. It was really, really bad. We went through 4 pages of trying - and I gave up... I can't redo his signature signing on these 2 bank documents. I need to wait until I'm calm and not stressed out.
freqflyer, Poor kitty. :( Don't you wish they could talk? It's hard to always gauge when they need water, are in pain, are hungry or need the 'facilities'.
It's so hard seeing our beloved fur babies get older. My little Jack Russell terrier just turned 13. He recently bounced back from a bad anal gland (Eww!) infection. I hope your dear kitty makes a complete recovery. They are precious.
Half hour later, went to the living room and she was gone.... what the????.... looked under the furniture, behind the sofas, looked in the dining room, the kitchen, and family room, even the powder room.... found her, whew, on the main landing of the basement stairs....
Guess she needed a potty break and didn't want to wait for me to help her, so she was going to try to walk down the basement stairs to the litter boxes. My first thought was, hope she didn't fall down the stairs and eventually climbed back up. She seemed ok.
Good grief, I never had any children, so I guess this is how it feels when one has a baby who is learning to walk and they slip out of sight for awhile.... YIKES.
I never buy realistic dolls in flea markets and garage sales. I don't know the owner's background .. if they touched the ouji board, etc... I like to buy them straight from the store, clean slate. I need to buy another doll for my bedroom to guard the door. I'm going to have fun looking for one with eye glasses. Maybe this one will be oriental since my other 2 dolls are Caucasian with light brown hair and brown skin with black hair.
I was at dad's bank this afternoon. We need to renew dad's signature card because it expired. Yesterday, I explained dad's bedridden position and refusal to get on a wheelchair. I asked if I can take the document home and have him sign it. The teller said that he must come in. So I said that means it will be by ambulance. She nodded.
I came home and told SIL that we need to try to get dad on a wheelchair to go to the bank. She recommended asking if the bank will accept a notarized document if the notary did a home visit. If rejected, then she said it will have to be by ambulance (minimum $300 each way + mileage)
I went to the bank today and couldn't find the sign in sheet to see customer service. A teller called me over. I explained to him what I said yesterday to the other teller. And what SIL suggested. He immediately said no to the notary. He said that he didn't want to put my dad through too much trouble to get to the bank by ambulance in a stretcher .... He went to the branch manager for advice. He called the house, spoke to dad, asked him his SS number, etc... I was getting frustrated with oldest sis. I took the phone back, spoke to sis to write dad's SS number in LARGE numbers so that he can read it.... sadly, I couldn't remember what job my dad retired from and the name of the company. I couldn't remember my dad's mother's maiden name. I couldn't even remember my mom's maiden name!... I am sooooo forgetful. Sometimes, at work, I walk out of the restroom and out the building before I remember that it's not yet time to go home. I turn around and go back to the building and up the 3 flights of stairs....maybe I need to be tested for dementia....
Just want you to know I appreciate all of you. ((hugs))
My mom's visiting doctor service started today. The doctor is an actual geriatrician. Hooray! A nurse who will see mom weekly was also along. How refreshing to have two women on board who actually understand the problems of the elderly. They were very kind and patient with her.
The first thing the doctor did is take her off of Celebrex before it even started. She said it's a bad medication for seniors. It can cause stomach bleeding and kidney and liver problems. She was appalled that a pain specialist would prescribe that for her. She moved her to a Tylenol/oxycodone combination. They took care of ordering the script, had it delivered and done! Amazing!
The doctor then brought up the issue of hospice with mom. She flat out refused, at first. We discussed the fact that she is increasingly weaker and is finding it almost impossible to wash herself and deal with the bowel incontinence. The hospice nurse would be there 6 days a week to help her and be her representative to the AL nursing staff if she feels the caregivers aren't doing a good job. The doctor, who is not affiliated with the hospice, but knows of the work of this nurse called her the rock star of hospice nurses.
Well, mom finally relented is on board! It feels like a miracle. I'm certainly not happy she needs to be on hospice, but I am relieved at the thought of not having to deal with this all alone.
I wish this feeling of relief for every member of this board that is struggling. Book, I think it is past time for dad to go to a NH. 20 some years of caregiving is too much for even superwoman. You DESERVE some relief yourself. I worry about you. ((hugs))
Windy, is there any way to introduce hospice in a different light? I think there's another use for hospice. I forgot the words but I've read it here. Maybe you can try that angle first. And then gradually slide in hospice without calling it as 'hospice '. Similar to calling Depends as pull up undies and not as 'pamper' because they're not babies to wear pampers. Stubborn!
SIL suggested being partial guardianship with the government. Guardianship! OMG, isn't that worse than POA in that it's permanent!?! I reminded her that I've been caregiving since my 20's , that's half my life. I never wanted children and look where I am. How I became seriously suicidal and sought therapy. I told her that I can't handle it. I'm close to cracking. And no one wants to be POA.
But she's right. Maybe it's time I start emailing my sibs in the mainland that since no one wants POA, it's time to seriously think of signing dad up to the NH. I'm so frustrated. I've been getting so much sharp chest pains lately. Sometimes, in the morning when I'm starting to change his pamper {1st thing I do every morning before our breakfast}, I get this sharp pain on my upper left shoulder. Sometimes, I can't move the arm, so I try changing him one armed. A few days ago, the pain went on my upper right shoulder. Whew! A minute there, with the left shoulder pains, I figured it's a stroke or heart attack warning sign. Now that it's also on the right shoulder, it's just stress.
My mom's bone of contention with hospice is she didn't think they did anything for him. In her opinion they took him away. He had a horrible seizure due to brain cancer and my brother and I could no longer care for him at home.
She thinks that because she is an extreme narcissist that refused to visit him but once while he was at the hospice house for two weeks. He asked for her everyday and she refused to come. Talk about painful. She was awful to him in that respect and it was painful making up excuses for her for those two weeks. I hated lying to my dad when he was dying. I lost a lot of respect for her during that time.
In her mind, hospice was of no use because she was not present to see the kind care they gave for dad. There is no reference point. All that she thinks is they took my dad away from her.
That is a huge objection to overcome with someone that is of that mindset.
Look up 'stubborn' in the dictionary and you will see a picture of my mother. 'Unreasonable' also works. :)
If she will accept Hospice care, they will issue her one of those air beds, which will help those pressure sores heal up much quicker! Or you can try one of those cut our pillows, if she isn't already using one.
My Mom had a very bad pressure sore on her coxxyx, the last week of her life, but her whole body was shutting down, and she was "actively dying". But also unaware of it.
Sleeping in the recliner isn't helping matters, I'm sure.
If only the Dr told her she Must eat a little, before taking the pain meds, that might have helped!
You may just have to begin Hospice without her consent, just to relieve some of the pressures off of you and your family! It's great your brother is coming!
I hope that as a united from, she will see the right of things!
Probably, after having Hospice with you Dad, she is scared, simply from the implications of it being the begining of the end. And you can't blame her for being scared. Try to come up with a different approach. How much Better it would be, her having medical attention each day!
I'm sorry this is such a rough time for you!
Hopefully things improve, with brothers visit!
You take care! Time for a Brandy and a Cigarette! Lol! You can come join me on my porch! 😉
Good to hear the doll is working, Book. Less for you to worry about is a good thing!
staceyb, You made me laugh. :) Sometimes a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do. Ha!
I have great news that my brother will be flying here from Germany Thursday evening. I will finally have some hands on support from my only sibling. My cousin is also coming here on Friday to stay for the weekend. My mom loves him like her own son. I hope they both get here in time. :(
I had mom to a pain clinic today to explore other meds or ways to relieve her pain from compression fractures. He was a great doc. Spent an hour talking with us and suggested many ways to help her. She shot down every one of his ideas.
Mom is now on almost day 6 of eating little to nothing. She insists that it is food that upsets her stomach, not the pain meds. The doctor and the nurse went over it with her several times that it is the meds and when taken without food, they can really mess up one's stomach. Mom said that they are wrong. I wanted to bang my head against the wall.
She did get a new prescription for celebrex for pain relief. We'll see how that goes, but if she's refusing to eat, I see no good outcome.
My husband and I have brought up hospice care several times but she refuses that as she says she is not dying. I talked with the nurses at mom's AL about it after the appointment. They said it's way past time for that and referred me to one they said they would chose for their own loved one. They visit seven days a week and boy, would that help me out. Mom doesn't understand that it is much help for the family as it is for her.
The nurse told her I can sign her up on my own as POA, but I know she would be furious with me.
When my brother gets here we will approach her as a united front. If she refuses, we plan to sign her up together. That way all of the blame isn't on me. He is full on board with that.
She desperately needs a hospital bed as her pressure sore is worsening. Sleeping in her recliner for weeks is not helping the situation. She is in too much pain to lie down in her sleep number bed. Flat or on her side does not work.
I realize she is in complete denial about dying, even when she wishes for it in her next breath. There is fear there, I know. From my experience with my dad on hospice, I know they have great support for the whole family, spiritually wise. We all need it. I don't want to place her without it being her choice. I'm hoping my brother will make a difference in that choice.
Another long post by Windy.....
Now click on the round picture which is on the blue bar at the top of the page, this is your account.
Now click on EDIT ACCOUNT.... now scroll down to bottom of that page where there is an area to put a photo, click on "download", search for the photo you want to use. Keep your fingers crossed :)
Now click on SAVE.
Not tech savvy much, but on my kindle: Here is how:
1) Download image by clicking on my cat avatar.
2) Click "download image, click 'photos'
3) Go to "Home Page by clicking on the blue navigation bar: "AgingCare.com"
4) Now, See your ACCOUNT square on the upper right section, click "Edit Account"
Scroll down to bottom, where you will see your red flower avatar, click "profile image", then click "Upload Photo", where you may find your CAT (could be under "Downloads".) Tap the CAT photo, and it will upload photo to your account, wait for it....count to 10-15 or so.
Before leaving your PROFILE, click save at the bottom.
Hope this works for you.
It figures. Everything with mom is going in the dumpster, so why not my communication with AC friends?
Good luck AC management with facebook and twitter followers. They are not the people caring for the elderly, at least not right now. Maybe when we ourselves die off your changes will be of value to someone.
This was such a fantastic board! Grrrr!
Book, I understand your doll situation, only mine was the opposite. My mom's sister died at the age of nine probably in 1924 or so of whooping cough. She died long before my mother was born. Mom inherited that doll as a child (my grandma got a new use for the doll with a new baby girl) and my mom loved it. It's German made and porcelain with real human hair (creepy) and is really quite beautiful. My uncle had a seamstress make a pretty satin series of dresses for the doll in the early 40's for a Christmas present. Mom was much, much younger than her siblings. Needless to say she loved that doll and her pretty fashions.
When I was seven, that doll and all her fashions were given to me. Yikes! It freaked me out that it was Virginia's doll and she died at age 9. Mom proudly sat the doll on my dresser and now way, no how did I want that doll to stare at me all night knowing my aunt died in bed with her. I thought I would die at 9!
Well, it obviously didn't happen, but those were some scary nights. What I gathered from it, for me, and just me is that objects no matter their appearance or history have no power over me. What worked for me was to say "Go away. You have no power over me. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. He is my sword and my shield. I have no use for you in my life. Just go away!"
It took a few times for me to actually have confidence and believe, but He had my back.
I'm just relating my experience. I'm no church lady, not at all. I'm just another failed human being who struggles on this journey. I'm sipping a brandy right now and having a cigarette.
Regarding the spirits, why not keep an open mind? If you are feeling a presence, give it your attention and see what, if anything, it wants to share with you. At the same time, bear in mind that what feels like an outside presence might just as well be your subconscious mind, or some kind of divine breath, or who knows what? You only have to think of how much mankind has discovered over the last 5, 10, 25, 250 years to realise that there is just SO much that we have absolutely no clue about.
But does it matter? The church dismissed spirits or calls them instruments of Satan in order to discourage people from making sacrifices to trees and rocks. Modern society is reluctant to accept anything as real that it can't analyse to pieces. And of course I can't speak to your local customs, but why wouldn't the spirit of the place or of the people be friendly and loving to you, a child of the same place, rather than something to fear? Don't be afraid.
For example, spirits. Modern thinking - it's not a spirit, it's a coincidence, your imagination, mass brainwashing. Native beliefs - it's our ancient ancestors. Religion - they're not our ancestors since they have not been resurrected, but are spirits, followers of Satan. And so, What does one do? Modern, native or religion???? Thinking of them as Satan's followers scares the heck out of me.
Sigh.... My nephew who watches his grandfather every Saturday is the same nephew who sees the spirits from the side of his eyes or in full face in mirrors. If you recall a while back, he asked me if I see shadows passing by the front window, and I never said yes or no. My very firm reply to him that it's dad's laundry hanging in the line (even though there's no laundry hanging.)
Nephew said that he's been watching dad, his words, his actions. He told me that dad is mentioning the other woman. I said yes. Nephew's eyes got wide. He asked me several questions. He told me that there's a female spirit that's hanging around dad. It's a long story but in a nutshell, he thinks she's also hurting him, trying to control him. Nephew imitated my dad's noises. He said that that's the spirit poking him, hurting him.
Nephew asked me if he can bring his pet monster stuffed animal. It's very strong and powerful against the bad spirits. I don't like the monster pet. When I was in my 20's, baby sister mailed her stuffed animals to us. I opened the box, immediately didn't like it and packed it deep inside the closet. Years later, I found it. It creeped me out. I gave it to nephew. Imagine, 20 years later, my nephew still has this stuffed animal. It moves, too. One minute it's in his bedroom, the next minute it's in another room..... Today, when he asked me if he could bring it - to fight against the female spirits and all the others, my eyes widened and I immediately shook my head. My guts - I don't want it in this house. Nephew was very insistent. I refused.
So, he asked, "What about your dolls?" My dolls?!? No way! My dolls are protecting my bedroom from the bad spirits. One doll faces the only unshuttered window, and the other doll guards the door. If I take out one doll, it will weaken my bedroom's protection and the bad spirit will come in. He asked me why I must protect my bedroom but not the whole house. I said, "Because I change in my bedroom!" ...
I got to feeling guilty. So, tonight, I went into my bedroom and didn't know which doll to bring into the livingroom. They both wear eye glasses like me. They both look realistic. They both scare all my family. Nobody likes my dolls, except me. I chose one, and... like my nephew, yes, I do talk to my dolls (mostly to guard this or that). I picked her up and told her nicely that I needed her to watch over the livingroom, to guard it. I went into the livingroom, moved her around trying to find the 'perfect' place. I found it.
I think nephew is right. Since I brought my doll into the livingroom, dad has not made that sound of pain. Nephew noticed that every time dad would fall asleep, he would wake up startled and make that sound of pain. Tonight, I haven't heard that sound yet.
See? Modern (dementia, hallucinating in seeing invisible people, UTI)? Native custom (spirits bothering him)? Religion (I'm associating with bad spirits).... Boy, wait until sis comes to visit tomorrow. Her and her family can't stand my dolls. It gives them the creeps. {{{{I'm shuddering just thinking of my nephew's creepy pet monster.}}}
Now, really... did we REALLY need round cut shots? Why not just keep the old rectangular/square format that shows the entire image we bother to upload...?
It's not a big deal, but strikes me as an example of messing with something that was fine, and now is... not exactly displaying as intended.
Why not make the square Hug images into little round peephole-distorted images? Just for "consistency" on the site and all... I just don't get it. Someone felt the need to change our avatar shape away from the actual image we upload or select. They did that On Purpose, as An Improvement. Ayyy... lol
"Nothing brings people together like complaining about a common problem..." muttering to self...