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So.. you are never going to believe this. I tried this approach. I already tried being nice,, I tried being a preacher...I even tried being a military sergeant to get points across to Dad. Today I became blunt and told him this is my house and I am your daughter, We keep clean around here and I keep this house totally clean. I know you want to give up on yourself but I am still trying and you need to clean up some a shave and a bath. He said it was too cold to do either. I said I have another option if you aren't going to try and let me tell you he didn't like the option. I told him I was going to get help. Help? He said, never! An hour later he decides to shave and he said he wanted a bath. I said OK. I will help you. NO! I don't need any help he said. I said I am going to get your stuff together and I am giving you a bath. Believe it or not he didn't fight me or hit me or cuss me out.. he finally let me. Yes I used a few more unsaid words but now I have tried a different character this time... He just experienced what it's like for me to have Super PMS and it isn't even that time of month.... I can't believe it..It's a New Year's Eve MIRACLE!
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Urinologist?? Correction- urologist.
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Genevieve, dad's catheter gets changed monthly. Depending on the home care nurse, she irrigates it on her visits. He has prostate problems way before he had his stroke. He absolutely refused then and now to go to the urinologist. Too bad on his last hospital stay, I was hoping they had him see one. But they don't have a urinologist.

Angel, your father might prefer non-family people to assist him in bathing. He might not give them a hard time. Plus I've seen them in action when my didn't want a sponge bath. They were able to calmly and cajole him to agree to it. They have more patience than me.

I don't know if anyone is going to be do a new year's bbq today on our place. They don't usually but SIL puzzled me with a comment about New Years. Yesterday, fave sis said her daughter was doing a bbq today and family was going to her house. I admit that I was hurt on not being invited by fave niece even if I can't go. My shift with dad is when I'm not at work. Oldest sister shift is Monday-Friday only. Fave sis knew I was hurt and kept inviting to the bbq today but it's not the same.... sis said that maybe I can order takeout from my favorite Chinese restaurant. I will do that. I checked my lunch and house money. Oldest sister surprised me last weekend and bought me several micro-dinners. So I have some spare 'house ' $$. Yes! I have enough to buy beef broccoli and oldest sis gave me $4.80 to buy her the walnut shrimp. Yummmm. I better get up. Dad's pamper and b-fast, laundry, etc....
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SusanA43.. I plan on doing just that. Enough is enough. After all. I am a 43 year old female that can only do so much. I haven't even lived life yet because of this. Mom was never this much trouble. In spite of it all Mom has been my guardian angel and she will help me through all of this also.
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Angel - if your father is a danger to himself due to self-neglect - such as not bathing, not eating or taking his meds properly, you can discuss the situation with your local agency on aging, adult protective services or social services and ask them to tell you how to get him help without you having to be too involved. If he is termed a "vulnerable edlerly", there should be some actions that can be taken. I would urge you to call them first thing Monday morning.
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The caregiver(me) is doing rotten today. Dad refuses again to take a bath or to shave. He told me I need to go on and leave and worry about myself. I told him I will not have filth in my house and if he decides he isn't going to try anymore then I will be going to a hospital first of next week to talk to someone about what I can do about my situation. He says I won't make him do anything but then again I told him.. now I know why Mom got fed up with him so easily and chewed him out because he is completely hopeless. Dear Lord: Please help that man find where he needs to go.
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Hi, bookluvr, when my dad had that sensation of needing to pee and not being able to, it meant his catheter was blocked and either needed to be irrigated or changed. I would call the nurse to check it out unless you are irrigating it yourself. I found it needed to be changed about once a month. --Gen
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Genevieve, I'm sorry about your father. If you feel deep down that your father has forgiven you, then so be it. You were there for him when he needed help the most. Be at peace.

As I read your post about your father and the depends/catheter, my dad is also going through that too -with the catheter. He keeps trying to pull it out. I feel so bad because he would keep telling me that he needs to pee and he can't. In the meantime, his hand is trying to unzip his pants and to reach inside. I tell him to go ahead and pee because the pee will go into the bag. I'm just so glad that he's wearing slacks and not a hospital gown. Can you imagine the mess!? Night!
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I'm so sorry to hear of your dad's passing, Genevieve.
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I haven't been here for awhile. It's been an awful several months. My dad died. bookluvr, I read about your dad putting his fingers in his depends; my dad did that. He also used to pull at his catheter. No more. I miss him but I don't miss that he was unhappy having to wear adult diapers and mess with the stupid catheter and be at the mercy of nurses and our sad attempts to make the end of his life any better. I wish he would forgive me. I think he has. Happy new year everyone. He was the dearest dad and that is who I lost last year. Now I know what it is to walk around with a piece of my heart missing. Not only that but will have a buffoon to deal with who is supposedly in charge of this great country of ours. I am so depressed.
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Tinyblu, my mom's in AL and just as demanding as when she lived with me. Vent away all you want. We're all in dinghys, rowboats, cabin cruisers and yachts on the same body of water. The thing we have in common is we have all sprung a leak and none of us wants to drown, or see others drown. This site is our life preserver. No comment is too big or too small that someone hasn't experienced it here. Your concerns are valid, true and understandable.
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Tinyblu, vent, vent, vent. So many things seem to cause dementia. Hereditary (my mom and her mom), high cholesterol (oh!oh!), diabetes, migraine headaches (darn had these since middle school), Longstanding constant Stress (us caregivers), etc.... With all these increases and new diseases worldwide, I blame Adam and Eve. Why oh Why did they touch the forbidden fruit?! 😳🙈😩😔
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tinyblu - whether you are caring in the home or from a distance with your dad in an AL doesn't matter. You are still a caregiver, and both situations come with their own challenges. Trust me, sometimes it seems it would be easier to have them at home where you could watch over them 24/7 than in a facility where things happen and you have no control over them or aren't told what's going on until you throw a fit with the staff and demand to be given the info you need to advocate for your loved one.

Vent away, we're here to listen. And we understand better than most would.
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I'm edgy today for some reason. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for posting because I have help. Dad is in AL, but I try to stay involved - resentfully (I'm Codependent and in a program).

The smallest things are getting on my nerves today. The repetition... UGH!!!! I've never been a really patient or diplomatic person, so caregiving REALLY isn't my strong suit... especially since I don't really WANT to do it. I've been caring for this man and the women he beat since I was six years old.

The technology thing is nerve racking. WHY CAN'T THE STUPID CABLE COMPANY KEEP THINGS SIMPLE FOR SENIORS?!?!? He's legally blind with dementia, so the remote is confusing. I glued a textured button to the Channel Up key on the biggest remote I can find, but he still gets confused because the AL has HD cable which means that he has about 100 channels to cycle through. Of course he doesn't have the patience to do that so he insists that someone has "messed up" the TV. I'm sick of hearing that story over and over again.

Sometimes I just want to scream... at him for essentially placing himself in some of this situation (COPD is self inflicted and studies show that excessive smoking is closely linked to dementia). Scream at him for being so dysfunctional and creating this H*LL for me (multiple women that he mistreated, lots of illegitimate children that he abandoned that have NOTHING to do with him). Scream at the other children for not helping (totally irrational). Scream at myself for being such a sour puss about the whole thing.

I feel like I'm trapped in a prison of my own making as well. I've learned to say "no" to more things, but sometimes the guilt creeps up.

I think I'm just hormonal today.... needed to vent
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So tell him to stop touching the DIRT!
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Dad insists he's not touching his poop. He's not stupid. That's DIRT not poop. And he carries this off with such indignant anger. Yet, I've seen him sneak peeks at me to see if I'm watching him. When I'm not, he proceeds to stick his hand into the pamper. Or after he succeeds in touching the mess, he starts wiping the 'evidence' on his leg pillows, on his pants, etc.... Yeah, he keeps saying he wishes to die... but when he quotes his favorite saying, it's the opposite: "Give me liberty or give me.... life." He always stumbles on the word 'death'. Deep down, I think he's afraid of dying. Or he doesn't want to die.
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I really don't know what the dael with but for the past 3 weeks and this only seems to be on Friday and Saturday mornings and I do mean early about 5 to 7am. I end up waking up and hearing Dad walking about in the house and everytime I find a mess to clean up yet he doesnt know how the mess got there.. So I told him we have invisible dogs and cats now. There was a spill on the kitchen floor and so I had to go out in the cold to the utility room to get a mop to clean up. Geez.. dad is always in a foul mood. Well what about me? I am the one who has to clean up your messes and you couldn't give a flip whether it was cleaned up or not. Oh and I had to hear for the umpteenth time how he wishes he would die. Lord.. Are you listening? Because I get so sick and tired of hearing it.
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Angel, here on island, we have 2 programs that helps caregivers. One is based on your income (we're in the way low middle income bracket) and one is based on how badly you, the caregiver, needs respite. The 2nd one is the National Family Caregiver Support Program. Both are aimed for helping caregivers. The first one provides a total of 4 hours a week (we asked for 1 hour for 4 days - to spongebath dad.) The NFCSP was basically one hour but they provide monthly caregiver's support meeting, therapist (if you need one), provide information on exercising, legal assistance, etc.... I recommend that you check your area and take advantage of these programs.

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Almost midnight and dad's hungry. Sis already gave him one bottle of Glucerna shake. Yes, yes, I know that's for diabetics and not normal people. I'm just going to give him one bottle a day until his nutrition drink shipment comes in. I had bought a pigs-in-a-blanket for lunch. I didn't get to eat it. So, we snacked on that tonight. He told me that he doesn't like the meat (hot dog.) I told him that he needs meat in his diet for the protein. He wins. He left the meat on his side table.
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Susan and Angel, it's so sad that your family has chosen to 'disappear' in your lives. I have a large family - half of my siblings in the states, the other half here on island. For decades my sibs in the states would either send special occasion cards or just call briefly on the major holidays like Thanksgiving and xmas and my parents' birthdays. Since mom passed away 3 years ago, I've noticed that they've slacked off. No special cards for dad. No phone calls to home. So, I was very surprised that atleast 3 out of 4 actually called home at xmas. My dad had a very difficult time conversing with them. I do know that for my 'baby' brother, it's his girlfriend who nags him to call (she tells me this.) I try to imagine having absolutely no contact from any of my family. I would feel hurt.

Susan, I've learned that if I want to keep up-to-date with my sibs/family, I just read their FaceBook posts. I try not to 'like' their posts or comment. I don't want them to know that I'm keeping up with their news. I think with my family, we want to 'pretend' that only our friends are reading our posts - and not our immediate family. I do Lots and Lots of saving of my family's latest pictures in FB. They don't send it to me by Messenger. So, I go to FB and scroll thru their posts for the latest photos. It's the only way. Again - I won't post. - but all their friends do.
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Angel, you're going to have to find a way to get away for a bit, and that may just mean having to say "it's ok" and let someone else care for dad for a while. I know that's hard - trust me - but you're going to have a true breakdown if you don't get some time to yourself, and then you won't be any good to anyone at all - not dad and not yourself, either.

Please consider it. It will make all the difference in the world.
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SusanA43, I had hospice for 2 days and nothing went right. The RN they sent out didn't even have sense enough to do anything and she couldn't even answer the questions I had. The aide they were going to send ..well Dad didn't even want anybody to touch him. Hospice offered that service of respite care but with Dad's stubborn butt and I hate to use those words, he doesn't trust to be around anybody else but me. He doesn't even want anybody in the house. Some people think it is so hard to take care of one parent but back when Mom was living it was just completely insane and I ran back and forth between them for 3 months. The only retreat I have is my flower garden if only for just a little while but there is only one downfall. I get a little bit of peace for a short time but then I have to deal with things again. It's tough when he can't leave the house because he is permanently disabled but even worse that I can't get away long enough to clear my mind.
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Angel, is there a way for you to get some sort of respite care for Dad so you can take a small break? Even just a few hours now and then? It sounds like you could really use some time to yourself for a bit.
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SusanA43. I also know the feeling of people disappearing out of your life and not wanting to be found. Both my older sister. She is 47. And my stepbrother who I really didn't know well and I have no idea how old he is now. No calls, they haven't written, haven't showed up. Nothing. I feel like I was left all alone and I have to deal with everything when it has come to my parents alone. It's so sad that they never knew their parents all these years. Everyone always says there will be a new year to look forward to and things will be better and I say how will things be better. With Dad being in such bad shape I will have another parent that will no longer be here on earth with me. So 2017 will be another year.. yes but I am not looking forward to it because it will be another year and another loss.. my Dad.
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Angel16, hang in there. I know how you're feeling. I lost Mom 6 months ago in July, and Christmas was just more work - not a time of real joy for me. I tried to be happy and enjoy the day, but it was just all show for my daughter & grandkids - I really didn't feel it. Maybe next year....

I was hoping against hope that my oldest son would call or show up, but he didn't. He has cut us out of his life yet again, and severed the last remaining method for me to reach him, which was Facebook. He deleted his account. I wasn't badgering him, just asking where he was and if he was ok - when he didn't respond, I restrained myself to the point of just leaving messages on his birthday and holidays - so I said "Happy Birthday, I love you" and "Happy Thanksgiving, I love you"...and was going to do the same for Christmas, but he deleted his account. I have no way to reach him now. I know where he works, but if his past habits continue, he won't be there long before he quits or gets fired. It's only a matter of time before someone else in the family passes away, or some other emergency happens and I will have no way to reach him, which I guess is the way he wants it.
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Feeling completely drained today. Think I have finally gotten caregiver crash. I want to sleep all day. Christmas Eve was not good and Christmas wasn't either. Christmas Eve I spent the night in bed with tears thinking about Mom passing away 3 months ago on the 24th of September and Christmas.. well I didn't have one. Dad asked me when Christmas was and he didn't even know why I was giving him his favorite candy. Mom was my Santa and I miss her so much because I didn't have a Santa this year. Dad has never liked the holidays. It just didn't feel like Christmas this year.. no gifts, cards, phone calls or texts from anyone. This is depressing.
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Windy, I feel like we should gather up your mom's health care team and start knocking heads together. For g*ds sake, the experts keep telling us people shouldn't have to suffer such pain any more, it's way past time they figure something out!!
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Hi Windy. I'm fine. I'm still being torn about being POA while dad's still competent. Unfortunately, my conscience says I must get the POA. My emotional side says that I truly can't handle this with caregiving and full time job. Every time, no exaggeration, when I think of being POA, my heart starts beating so fast and I start panicking. Sigh... just typing this to you and I'm becoming teary eyed. This is one time I need to resist my conscience. It's just so hard to continue to fight with myself. I'm getting a headache just thinking thinking about it.

Don't worry, Windy, I may not comment lately but I still drop by to read.

I'm also stressing over dad's meals. Or lack of it. His nutrition drinks are running out. The supplier was expecting shipment last month and it still hasn't come in. They were only able to give one box - which we're now down to 6 cans. He's not interested in real food. He used to love pizza. Now he doesn't care for it. The same applies to his snacks. I've tried mixing Ensure with milk to dilute the sweetness but it's still too sweet. He no longer likes bananas and mangerines. I shared with him an orange - he sucked the insides but... tomorrow, I'm going to Google on ideas for nutritional food for an elderly who doesn't like sweet or sour foods ...and must be soft food.

Oh, please keep an eye on your mom's lack of bowel movement. Mom was constipated. I think she had a back flow and ended up in the hospital for a month for blood poisoning. That's what I was told by dad at the time.
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Hi all! Haven't 'seen' you here in awhile, book. Hope you're doing okay. I've been thinking of you.

My mom continues down her miserable path. Steroids and codeine aren't doing it evidently. Now she's constipated but won't let me put her in-patient at the hospital to get the tests she needs to get to the root of the problem. I'm just waiting for the 3 a.m. call, once again. She has roid rage and is yelling at everyone. It's lovely! :P
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Oh boy, Windytown. Dying cells and failing organs don't know what day it is, do they??!? Sorry to hear that your holiday is full of such hustle. Take care. Peace.
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Merry Christmas to everyone!

My mom was prescribed a course of steroids in case it's an inflamed pinched nerve and also Tylenol/Codeine. It seems to be helping a wee bit. It's been less than 24 hours so hoping relief kicks in big time before we bring her to our house for Christmas tomorrow. She hasn't been on any prescriptions before at this AL (three years!) so she is not signed up with their med passer. Mom is too confused to dose correctly so I wrote very explicit instructions for both her and the caregivers for the next 24 hours. I will manage her meds tomorrow and hopefully Monday the doctor will be in to sign her up for her med needs.

Off to visit FIL who is on hospice at another AL. Kind of a crazy train kind of Christmas! Wishing everyone some peaceful moments tonight.
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