The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Or you could buy a humane trap? I bought several for the few mice I get in the fall. Each has a dose of valerian in it, so you can take it (I used a rubber glove, but you might feel better with tongs -- never thought of that) and dispose of the rat in the woods, the trap in the trash.

Oh, and the mouse/rat is supposed to stay alive, but in my case, it fell asleep, then woke up and had a tiny panic attack, and died of heart failure. (I suppose if I woke up in a coffin, I'd have a panic attack too, but it wouldn't be tiny.)

Book you have to keep a hammer handy and a fearless male which most of us don't have around. He hits it on the head and you drop or hopefully he does the body in the trash. the other solution is to have a long pair of tonges and a bucket of water handy. (Make up your own instructions for that one} In your case Book deposit body on brother's property. You can even say a prayer over it if you really feel bad.
When I was a kid the workers in the fields would tie string round the bottoms of their trousers when they were cutting corn (the English variety) so the rats did not run up their trouser legs. The rabites they simply shot for dinner. It was war time after all.

One last word before I hit the sack. Rats. Never ever set up one of those snapping rat traps. Based on past experiences:

1. If the rat is not smart and gets caught, you will hear all night it's squeal of pain and panic. All night. You feel soooo bad because that squealing just pulls the heartstrings.... Then morning arrives and you suddenly realize you don't know what to do with it... How do you move it from the kitchen to outside the house??? Call the male next door neighbor, that's what you do. Hope you're in talking terms...

2. If the captured rat has a smarter sibling, that ingenious rat knows how to get out of the released trap. It now avoids that route. And the trap is avoided at all cost by smarty rat.
a) so you decide to move the trap to another wall. The next morning, the rat dragged the tarp over the trap. (Really, it did!)
b) since rat is smarter than me, I called nephew for help. He comes over with this rectangle cage, attach meat inside. When the rat enters and pulls the meat, the cage door closes. (I eyed the cage and had real doubts it would work. It worked.

I like the suggestion about calling the exterminator. Expensive but ....

An elderly man with his dog wandered out of his home in the daytime. I don't think they ever found him. They had his picture and number to call in the news for several days. The scary part was that they lived in the boonie area....

I feel for the family. Mom went through that. But her favorite getaway time was evening, dark outside. It became regular routine to find her missing and us running all over the place looking for her. We live near the main road. I remember being scared that one day one of my older sibs will tell us that mom got hit by a car. One night, we spent hours looking for her. We finally found her hiding under the car in the back garage. She was whimpering in fear. Dad finally bought those sliding locks and put 2 per door. Mom knew how to unlock the doorknob, but she didn't know how to work the sliding lock. No more wandering outside at nights. But this increased her anger because she wanted out. I still remember her pounding on the door because she wanted out.... Boy, do I feel for that family...

Book you are a beautiful person and I love your dearly. No one has any right to criticize you or the way you conduct your life. The time you will be judged will be when you reach heaven and I am confident you won't be sent to "the other place"
Love you Book, hugs

One evening an elderly woman with her little dog rang my door bell and told me her family had taken her for a drive and hadn't come to pick her up. All she could tell me was the name of the town where she lived then asked to use the bathroom. I held the dog while ahe went and was able to read the tag on his collar.It had the owners name and address. The town she had names was in fact her own last name. As it was less than half a mile away i just put her plus dog in my car and drove her home. Outside was a group of concerned neighbors and husband. They had notified the police who were out searching. All were very relieved to see her safe and sound. Husband said she had been very confused since having a stroke a few months ago. At least they had the sense to put her name and address on the dog.

Windy, it's okay. I shouldn't have responded the way I did. Veterans of this site keep telling me to just ignore these kinds of stuff. Problem is that I grew up among competing, aggressive siblings. I automatically responded before thinking. It's ok.

Jlm, I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I cried when I knew my Christian duty. For a while, my religion and my closeness with God protected me from responding back to my very negative, controlling father. The constant dripping from negative dad slowly eroded my armor of the fruitage of the spirit. I recall going into depression because I was getting unChristianlike thoughts. I'm glad my dad wasn't anti religious..just anti my religion. Funny don't you think? It was due to my new religion that I stayed to help him.... Truly, as long as your mother is not declared incompetent and a danger to herself, there's nothing you can do... How can you stop her? I'm so sorry...

Do you know what my fave niece said today? I told her a story about a woman calling the police because there was a confused elderly woman in her yard. The police went house to house knocking on doors to find her home. They found the house and the family didn't even know that their mother had wandered out....Niece said that she's glad that grandpa is bedridden. Because he's becoming confused and wants to go home, and with his anger and violence, we would have had a difficult time with him...

So jlm, I get where you're coming from. I think you need to call someone who knows the ropes about elderly people. What you can do and cannot do. Our local govt has a division for the elderly. Maybe you can visit them, talk to someone and pick up some pamphlets. They'll help you if you ask, like my dad did when mom was diagnosed with dementia. I'm sorry I don't have much advice to help you. Cyber hug? {{{{{HUGS}}}}

If my mother threatened to leave, I would say "I'll help you pack!" :-)

jlm, maybe you just have to let her go? Sometimes it happens that until they hit a big problem - more falls, an accident, something - they'll demand their independence. That means you'll worry and wait for a major problem to happen but... what are your other options if she's demanding to go back? You say she is "threatening" to do it. Why is it a "threat?" Is she using her going back as manipulation?

Texreiner, I think you should apologize to Book. You obviously have no idea of her history with her parents. This is NOT a competition for goodness sakes Tex!

Brought my mom up to Lexington from ft Lauderdale, 92 yo. After 2 Falls, concussion.

Moved all her furniture to Independent living.
Chronic complainer, talks non stop, Hyper critical, etc.
I left to join navy at 18, never went back..
Now 40 years later, it's like it was yesterday.

Really anti religious .. And I became a Christian 20 years ago.
Now is threatening to fly back to her empty condo, and is packing her bags..
Can hardly walk many days..
Been almost 3 months and I'm worn out.

Well I would just one to say that I feel as if I am in a different site. When I first saw this site I was comforted by the same boat most of us were in and the supportive comments. Recently, I see a few lashing out at each other. Please, stop the negativity with each other and try and support and care for this difficult journey we are on. Thank you.

[[[Hugs book]]] It's a futile battle -- "who has it worse" -- so you might as well not reply. I'm sorry that you had to. It's like asking whether someone who has had a couple of strokes "has it worse" than someone with AD. [I've had two strokes and broke my pelvis and my hip, and not at the same time.] I suppose broken-bone-person might have it better than AD-person, but it all depends and in the end, it doesn't really matter.

Dear book ...

Yeah, it's triggering (to say the least) to have to defend yourself, book, given your situation. I'm sorry you felt you had to do that, but also good for you for sticking up for yourself.

Why would any caregiver want to make this a battle of "who has it worse"...? We're here to support each other. If you're not here for that, kindly see your way out. I'm here to support all of you in your individual situations. Mine is not same as yours, duh, yours is not same as mine.

When I had a major blowup at my dad this past April, I PM'd book and only book about it. I knew she would at least not judge me, and I needed to tell someone who might understand. I treasure you here on AC, book, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Like I said, sorry that you felt you even owed it to another poster to defend yourself. Big (((((hugs)))))

TEXRINER, did you even read my profile before questioning me as being authentic? I was young, found God, changed my religion and embraced God's principles before mom became diagnosed with dementia. I and my 7 siblings had a terrible childhood. Everyone fled as soon as they could. When mom was diagnosed and her doctor told us that it was long hard road, mom and dad would need all of us.... My new conscience obligated me to stay home and help dad... He took early retirement. I cried on my religious person's wife's shoulder because I Didn't Want to help them.... Mom was violent from the beginning. She was fast. She once grabbed my right breast, twisted it hard, staring at with such viciousness waiting for me to cry out. Our parents trained us well... Never cry when they punish us. I stood there, no sound, trying so hard not to let mom see the tears of pain. She saw it, was happy to know she hurt me, let me go.... I learned after that to never ever let her corner me again. I started strategically finding ways to protect myself while watching mom. I pushed the sofa away from the wall. When mom became suddenly angry, violent and attacked me, I fled behind the sofa. She flipped the d*mn thing to try to get to me. I fled screaming to my bedroom, mom right behind me, slammed the door, locked it. I leaned against the door as she tried to break in. Dad had an appointment. I was her caregiver. Dad and I were mom's caregivers. Read My Profile before questioning my words.

It's when posters like you think you're the only one who has it hard. I didn't have a life. It was work and caregiving.... Mom's last 14 years was bedridden with trache, stomach tube, 24/7 oxygen, completely vegetative state...still just me and dad. Dad had the day shifts, I took over after work. Mom needed constant suctioning every 19-15 minutes or else she choked on her phlegm, saliva. Dad was knocked out by 7pm. He doesn't change her pampers. I came home during my 1 hour lunch to change it. Nights, I changed it by myself. Mom was dead weight and automatically kept trying to go on her back, so I stacked lots of pillows on and behind her to keep her on her sides as I cleaned her.

Dad, mom's full time caregiver, finally had a stroke 4 years ago. I now had 2 bedridden parents. Not One of my 7 siblings offered to help. It's Not Their Problem....D*mn family invite me to parties or dinner but didn't think I would need someone to cover both bedridden parents. Worked full time job because I'm Not Independently Wealthy. Our food pantry is basically empty most of the time. I dread when we get guests because I have to offer my meager food which is a Cup-o-noodle. I had to pay oldest sibling to help me with both bedridden parents in the form of Babysitting which did not include changing their pampers......

I started blacking out, suicidal. Therapist asked me to tell my sibs about my suicidal, need their help with the parents. I resisted telling the therapist they didn't help the past 20-some years,... I asked. No response....

Mom finally died. Pressure cooker released a few pressures. I finally went on a 2 week vacation last year. I had a free ticket for this year. My family thought it was easier to cover for me last year since mom is not here and it's only dad. Ha! This year no one wanted to cover for me. Instead of giving my free ticket to family, l gave it to my boss- that's worth up to $2400.00.

I'm sooooo tired. I spent half my life caregiving parents. My religious leader asked me on one of his recent visits if I regretted finding God. I said No. I regretted learning what the Bible said....

Dad's becoming angry and violent. I'm getting childhood flashbacks and even violent mom flashbacks. I'm still hanging on trying to keep everything together and not break into pieces. Oh, d*mn, tears.. I've suspected I'm going thru depression- no appetite, waking up so exhausted....

I'm sorry. I'm too exhausted to respond to other posts here.. I'm in too much pain to think. Writing above gave my headache a boost up in the pain department. Thanks everyone. I do read on a few threads but rarely comment.

There are such things as exterminators!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've never had to deal with a rat in the house, lots of mice, bats, once even a garter snake (it must have been hiding in one of the plants I brought inside for the winter), but no rats. My sis is so freaked out by mice she can't even set a trap, maybe you BIL is afraid too LOL.

She went on vacation a while back, so tex must have been following some of her conversations through time.

BOOKLUVR, hey if you are getting that vacation, good for you!

I know how to cook, but its not damn fun for the picky eatersvin my home, so hubby does most of the cooking these days. When my sister was here for those 3 days, we had a great time, cooking and eating, watched a few movies, as she loves that, and we got out to go to the Casino for 3 hours, and No, I didn't Win, darnit!

Sister moved on to spend a couple of nights at her daughter's house, as the RAT situation is still in affect at her house. Her husband is So Lazy! I know that if I left our house over a Rat issue, my husband would turn this house upside down, figuring it out! I spoke with her hubby today, and he said that he could hear a rat underneath their stove, scratching about and it sounded like Freddy Kruger down there, but "it couldn't find its way out"! I said to him, why don't you just take the bottom plate/grill off from below the oven and trap it, but all he had was excuses about how bad his back hurt! Really? He's an A**! So, she will probably be back at my house in the next few days, as definitely won't go home until its fixed, and the Rat is gone, but how is he going to prove that, I'll never know! He'll probably just lie to her, and then she will FREAK OUT when she hears something! Lol! OMG, the drama continues!

Anyways, I hope all is going well with you and your family! That's my story and I'm sticking to it! Lol!

Hi all, hope you are All doing great!

Wait, did I miss something? I never saw wher BOOKLUVR stated she was finally getting a vacation! I'm in the same boat as most of you, tetheted to the house, constantly on standby and caring for my FIL, but Yes, that doesn't mean that I can't get away and have a little time to myself now and then! My husband and I often have to take turns, going out, or visiting with our kids, as the Old Man never wants to leave the house, and we don't actually wish to take him to most places, I mean, how fun is that? My husband and I haven't been away overnight together in more than 2 years, but we both still enjoy our time together and on the Internet, each loving different sites! So Tex, I think your comments were a little off-putting, as we are all struggling with self care and preservation, and thankful for the enjoyment that we do eek out of life, and definitely shouldn't feel bad about that!

It doesn't really surprise me that people have time. Caregiving is often about just being available. It isn't about digging ditches all day and night. I have plenty of time to do my own work, play with the rabbit, go for walks, and go to the gym. I can go out to eat, etc. The thing is that a caregiver has to be available to do certain things, so it can be like being on a leash.

Even if someone is bed-bound, a caregiver can get out. I mean, what would they do? Sit on the bed all day and watch someone sleep? That sounded flippant, but it was meant sincerely.

A vacation would be nice, but that would mean someone would have to come into the house -- a definite no-no for my mother. Book is not in the same position, since she is not alone caring for her father.

Tex, maybe you don't mean it the way it is coming across to me, but your post seems to be questioning whether anyone who can work, vacation, read or have any personal time at all really has anything to complain about. I'm sorry you found it necessary to totally subjugate yourself to the person you cared for 24/7, most of us flawed humans can't be quite so devoted.

I'm sorry Bookluvr. I guess I'm just puzzled over how a person works (and gets to take a VACATION), is a caregiver AND has time to read a book and time to write comments on this site about the little details of your day. I didn't read a book for nine years. No vacation for longer than that. In fact it's been an entire year since my caregiving duty to three ended and I am STILL to tired to entertain the thought of going out to dinner with a friend (FRIENDS? No one saw me for 10 years and thought I had died) let alone go on vacation. Been using the last year just trying to get my own health back, go to a dentist, eye doctor, get a freaking mammogram, 5 years past due for a colonoscopy but believe me all three of them had new glasses, cleaned teeth, and healthy colons and I made sure they all had some kind of social life and activities planned to keep them in good spirits. I don't think the two with dementia even knew THEY were sick and ready for the grave. Have a great time on your vacation. My caregiving experience was certainly different than yours.

Excellent reply... Thanks so much..

jlm8699, if your mother is not declared incompetent, then she can do whatever she wants, unfortunately. The thing is, if she's determined to travel, she might be desperate enough to ask a stranger to take her to back to Ft.Lauderdale.

When a parent is not declared incompetent, there's really nothing much you can do for them unless they want to. My dad had pneumonia and refused to go to the clinic/ER. He got so bad, I called and begged 911 to send an ambulance. They came. He refused. They left - his right to not go to the hospital. I called Adult Protective Service - they told me that it is his right not to go to the hospital. I went to an elder law attorney and was told the same thing. My hands were tied - even though I knew he was in a really bad shape healthwise. Dad finally gave him when he couldn't breathe (left lung was almost filled with fluid.)

It would have been so nice if she just found new friends in her new home. Too bad she didn't.

I know what you mean about how the memories of your childhood tends to creep up suddenly. Sometimes I wonder what the heck I'm doing here - my parents weren't exactly... anyway, lately as he now enters the anger stage, my childhood memories tend to pop up lately when he gets angry at me. I have all the reactions of what I had gone through as a child - the frozen in place, staring at him with fear into his angry scary eyes, heart beating so fast - and definitely not wanting to go near him because he might punch me... I sometimes find myself responding angrily to clients at work. So hard to keep your home life and your work life separately. Whatever you do - do not let it affect your work. Work is a lifesaver from 'them' the parents.

Is there a way to see someone in the elderly community that can give you pointers to get your mother to like her new home? A senior citizen club (we have here the dancers who love to go to the night market and dance the cha-cha), etc... If she can just find a friend worth staying there. I don't know.... You take care.

Ali, Wouldn't be so quick to presume Jim's mom has a primary doc back home. My mom thinks all docs are useless so she doesn't have one. I've never been able to get help from that angle.

So sorry, Jim, for what you're going through.

Jlm, the anxiety and depression you feel will mess with your ability to focus. Most commonly prescribed anti anxiety will also mess with your ability to focus. Meditation helps both the anxiety and increases focus. You can find beginner, guided meditation on YouTube. I take a few OTC supplements to help with anxiety, increase focus. Theanine, gingko, B complex, B-12. B vitamins help nervous system support, and my nervous system felt pretty shattered a couple of years ago. Theanine is compound found in green tea, increases focus while decreasing anxiety. Gingko stimulates dopamine release. I don't know if any of these will help you, but they do help me find focus each day without having to turn to too much caffeine... because now (since caregiving) caffeine can cause anxiety onset for me. ...just some thoughts...

jlm, you found your way to a support thread, so you're in the right place.

I just want to say - about your "wished the end for her" - we do that because we're being hurt by someone. If they passed, then we think we could stop worrying, get more peace of mind, not be in such a panic over our Loved Ones. Re-experiencing some of the trauma and bad feelings from childhood is common, I think. I've felt it. Just talked to a girlfriend on the phone last night who just this past week started helping care for her father who's had a stroke, and she calls me up in full anxiety attack mode. She's seeking closure on old hurts, that's WHY she wants to care for her father. I personally feel like she has a better chance of experiencing new hurt, or reliving the old ones, than getting closure...

So there are a lot of deep emotions/feelings tied in to some people's caregiving experience.

Mom surely has a primary doctor in KY. Does doc know that mom is trying to go back to FL? What does Doc say about it? Your mom may listen to Doc tell her to stay put, that she can't return. Does it seem to you that her wanting to up and move back is more agitation and dissatisfaction with her life in KY, or does she genuinely want to return to Florida and independence? If mom is having agitation, then it might be time for a behavioral/psych assessment for her.

You need to do something to help for your depression, right? There are options you can try that don't involve meds. There may be a support group in your area, there is talk therapy (and that would help with the recurring bad feelings from childhood), and there's this wonderful website you've found. Keep posting. :-)

New to blog..... Having hard time...help...

Moved my 92 year old mother from Ft. Lauderdale to Lexington Ky . After 2 major falls, and 2 months in rehab. Lives in nice Independent Living in Lexington now. Very tough minded, independent. Now demands to go back to her empty condo. Can i prevent her? Calling airlines etc.... She probably could pass a dimentia test, and appear lucid.

I am just in a real depression, and have lost my joy in life. Have a high end tech job that requires extensive focus, and that is really difficult.

I've even wished for the end for her... She just sucks the life out of me and alot of stuff from teenage years all come back now....