This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
She says that grandpa touches his poop when she watches him. But not to her sister. My youngest sister in the mainland said that dad is doing it on purpose. When I told niece this, she said that she figured that, too. Grandpa doesn't like her , gets mad at her and tries to hit her.
My oldest brother said that his daughter-in-law doesn't want to watch dad anymore. She told them that he says nasty, sexual stuff to her. She doesn't want to watch. Yet, this same brother doesn't want me to hire just any stranger to watch dad on Saturdays. He 'found' a caregiver who will charge $15/hour. I am only willing to pay $10/hour. He refuses to pay the difference. And I refuse to hire her if he won't cover the difference. I really need to find someone soon. Niece will be leaving island in roughly 6 months from now.
I asked fave niece if grandpa ever tried to talk dirty to her. She said that he did, but she set him straight. And he stopped. I said that sooner or later, he won't be able to control it - because all his good behavior synapses/brain cells will die. And all that's left is the dirty, cussing, etc.. person. She said she knows.
Regarding accusing people: currently he's accusing the bank of stealing his money. I've shown him his bank statement and the balance. He looked at the paper with this blank look. He doesn't understand what he's looking at.
I emailed her saying the hardest phone call I ever made was for the ambulance to take mom to the hospital. They live in another country and some dumba$ "dr" has been making housecalls and told her not to send her to hospital! the woman has seeping legs and cannot toilet herself or get out of bed! omg i am so angry, such a backward dr. This poor daughter.... ok and i am angry for the bf for not getting on a plane and helping - grr.
I have to change dad's pamper first, give him a late night Ensure drink mixed with soy milk (ahem... never again will I give him cow's milk - major diarrhea for 2 days!!!), etc... before i can come back and catch up.
I will say that oldest sis changed his poopy diarrhea mess on Monday. She was NOT a happy camper when I came home at 630pm. I walked into the livingroom and it stunk awful. He must have made some major mess.... He tried several times to reach inside and I stopped him with a 'Uh-Uh! No touching inside! Take your hand out of the pamper!'.... And that is why I face the laptop towards him. Dad will sneak a look at me to see if I'm watching. When he sees that I'm busy typing and not watching him, he sneaks into the pamper. When I stop him, he literally jumps with guilt and quickly withdraws his hand. That's how I know he's up to no good - he looks at me to see if I'm watching....
I know another poster, sensing your frustration, suggested that it might be time for your mom to be taken care of in a facility. Is that something that you would consider?
He's also telling us to feed those people. You know, the Invisibles, the ones he can only see but we don't. I try to go with the flow but...he forgets. And it's back to repeats.
Nurse didn't come back with urine results. Just texted me to give him more water. Water. My dad says he's been drinking water for Three Years and he almost drowned from it. He refuses to drink more.
I wonder if your mother has metabolic dementia that can go with diabetes. Your mother is a lot more difficult than mine. Mine at least will eat and interact with others. Still, I have to pull back in myself to keep my sanity, since she doesn't have any concern for my boundaries. I imagine that you have to do the same thing, but it is more difficult.
Now he has begun making accusations, not about spending his money but accusing me of entertaining a male neighbor in our home while he, my husband, is asleep. He sees people in the house who aren't there and have not been there and insists that he is right.
His family does nothing to help. Always creating problems by keeping him confused.
Any tips on any concerns mentioned will be greatly appreciated.
A little over a year ago, I moved mom into an ALF, and dutifully spent down her modest little nest egg for her residence. Now the Medicaid app is in and looks like it will take effect next month. For all my work I've gotten a nasty tongue lashing from my brother, and a steady stream of passive-aggressive complaints from mom. The utter thanklessness of this task never stops bothering me, but it's gotten better. I've had to step back a little to get my marriage rejuvenated and to get our of personal and financial house in order. You might need to still be involved a little longer until your mom gets settled into a routine, but by all means step back. Cut back the phone calls. Try going a couple of weeks without a visit. One trick I do to keep her complaintfest to a minimum is call her 15 or 20 minutes before scheduled meals. You can get caught up on what's happening with her, but have a good reason to hang up before it gets too oppressive.
Book, bugs love me too,, may have to try that!