This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I was talking to fave niece. She was telling me that when grandpa made that poopy mess, she was very tempted to not change his pamper. Her first instinct was to walk out the door. The only reason she changed his poopy mess was because she didn't want me to come home hours later, to clean up the hardened mess. Grandpa is very mean to her. He has threatened to hit her several times. She told me that she was soooo angry with him and he was still being mean to her when he was the one who made the mess. She told him that the only reason she's changing his pamper is Not for him. But for aunty. She told him that if she was aunty, she would have walked out of here.
I had told niece about the govt caregivers and how they said that he was behaving while I was there. Niece looked solemnly at me and said that grandpa is verbally abusive and would clench his fists and want to hit her. She told me that she's positive that he's physically abusive to aunty (my oldest sis). That's why she jumps when he tells her to jump. I think that she jumps - just to shut his mouth up. He can go on and on and on ...nonstop. I told sis that she can walk out, go to her room, etc... when his mouth gets too much....Niece said that the minute I walk in, he automatically behaves. No verbal angry words, etc...
So, it seems that .. here I thought my dad has changed. Remember how I would come online and talk about his violent tendencies? I just recently said here that he has changed to a nicer person. Well... I guess dad is 'show timing' with me. But showing his true personality with niece and oldest sis.
Tell the supervisor that the aid was doing this.
Cripe, the old men are always perves at the NH's, and the old women have the mouths of sailors !
So, today, they're cleaning him. Dad whispered something. The younger girl asked him to repeat it. He claimed confusion and forgetfulness on what he said. The older caregiver said, "You're behaving today. Every time we come here, you say that word. Why are you whispering? Is it because K's here?" sigh...
I'm off this week. Today, I gave oldest sis off. Tomorrow, I've made plans with my 2 nieces and their young kids (all under 6 years old). We're going to the park, bring some balls, do some running, chasing, game of tag, green-light-red-light, etc... small picnic food. And then for dessert, we're going to eat wherever (McD for ice cream, Wendy's for Frosty with fries, or YogurtLand, etc...)
Thursday I'm taking the car to the shop for oil maintenance and a wellness-check. I couldn't believe that at the dealership, if I came in without an appointment, I would wait for hours. If I made an appointment, there's no gty it will be seen at that time, so I have to come back in the afternoon. Really?! So, I've asked niece if she can swing by and pick me up. Maybe we can go for bfast at iHop. I haven't eaten there yet since they came on island. Might as well, just in case they end up closing down - like Popeye's Chicken, El Pojo, Carl Jr's (never ate there also), etc... I haven't even eaten at Chili's since they came on island. Niece said that they have blended the food to meet the local's taste - and some of it is really delicious. So, that's one of the places I would like to take niece before she leaves on a one-way ticket in April. I'm soooo going to miss fave niece. She is my babysitter for dad on Saturdays, and she can change his messy poopy pamper. I'm going to be losing a very reliable babysitter for dad.
My bat story? One winter when opening up the fireplace damper out came a tiny bat. Was finally able to catch it and take it outside! Yuck! I have been known to catch mice too:-P
Most of them aren't rabid. It was just hanging out under the umbrella. Bats do that. They probably sing bat-like Jimmy Buffett songs while hanging out, "Wasting away again in Mosquito-ville."
In other news I was sitting out on patio yesterday afternoon and a bat came (from under umbrella?) and flew into my head. Yes it was a bat as it made a short circuit around a tree and flew back where I was sitting. I checked my temple area for any marks did not see any but decided to stay in house for the rest of the day.
Book, hang in there..I am also one who HATES change and fought long and hard to keep my old computer so I didnt have to learn new stuff...but it seems that once you learn what to do, it gets easier..its just the frustration of trying to figure it all out!
Book, so sorry to hear of your dad's regression but I am glad he doesnt hurt you any more. So sad to watch them slide away tho. My mom doesnt recognize me anymore - I am just another person who comes to push and prod.... I had so many extra years with her that I am thankful for..she was a wonderful mom and a fun person to be around... that person is locked away somewhere but will always be in my memory! and I hate to know that she would HATE her life right now if she realized where it has regressed to...
I do lots and lots of copy and paste. Where's the 'right click '? I looked in the box - no manual. It's so fancy, the keyboard letters/numbers are very faint prints...because it lights up when the computer is on. Except, I'm night blind. I can't go to movie theaters because the surrounding darkness strains my eyes as I try to watch the big screen movie. I 100% always come out of the movie with a bad headache due to eye strain. I looked at my new laptop while on with the lights... And I can feel my eyes straining. Sigh... I will make do with it. niece just called me. I will need a wireless mouse? I told her I haven't used a mouse in my laptop for years. Another thing to get used to. When she visits, I'm going to ask her how to copy/paste on the new laptop. Mouse!
All well, this Is the new technology of laptops. That's why my old one is a dinosaur. And VHS and cassette tapes are bygones. Floppy disks are bygones. So, I just have to go with the flow..... Lighted keyboards!!!
I didnt forget anything and the ceremony was touching. I put pine needles in the hole and we put pine bows on top instead of flowers.
I just want to focus on him and then go home.
sigh, looks like rain :(
( i wonder inside if my feelings will change once there... just trying to remain calm )
And then I came on here later that night, read your words and felt good. Throughout that night, I thought of your words. I think you're doing a great job - to try to be patient with your husband. Thank you.
The only other thing I can think of but didn't try is cotton manicure gloves, the kind you put on to sleep in - but I'm not sure it'd be possible to get them on your mother, would it?
Then I remember you going through this with your father, and I remember that he can't help it. I am angry and frustrated and sad, but I remember to be kind even when I don't want to be. You are part of the reason I haven't broken his arm off yet. Thanks!
yes, I am no longer giving updates and sharing photos of my mom that they have never visited- why, they cannot access her money. I quit being the "glue that binds" this broken family. Always being the 'go-between'- nope. This was truly the greatest betrayal. Being put in the horrible position by my lawyer posing the realism of the situation that all i had to do was bring the statements to the police, the evidence was that obvious- 80 thousand worth of betrayal.
I am too broken.
Oldest sis is a packrat. When she moved in, the bedroom was spare. Lately, I've been hearing stuff falling in her bedroom. A few nights ago, I knocked on her door and said I'd like to come in. I stepped in even before she answered, and stared around her room. She has wall to wall, packed high with large plastic containers. She can barely move within the room. My first thought was - fire hazard. I asked her if she still knows what's inside the containers. She said no. Before I left, I told her she needs to go through it and get rid of stuff. She won't listen since it's none of my business what she does with her stuff, it's her room, it's not my house, she's helping me with dad and most of all, she's the oldest. Who am I, the lower middle child to tell her what to do.
1st crack into my deep belief of 'family' - No one was helping me to find someone to babysit bedridden dad so that I can attend mom's funeral. Not even by asking if one of their adult kids or their kid's spouse to do this so I can go. I was sooooo hurt.
2nd and final crack - they saw the $$ and decided we should split it evenly but not include oldest sis because she moved in to help with dad and is being Paid for it. I thought that her helping us- is a good reason she should get a share. But in truth, I thought that since it's mom's funeral $$, the $$ should go to dad as the surviving spouse who retired early to take care of his wife 24/7. Literally, too.
The $$ was split, excluding oldest sis. Older brother was shorted, etc... And I was disillusioned. Mica, I never thought my siblings would do this. Like another poster said to me, after the funeral, something dramatically changed in me.
Like my therapist said, my family kept failing me over and over. That's what it is. I was the only one trying to keep the family together- physically and emotionally. That broke with mom's funeral. I like Sendme 's description better than the therapist. My family's betrayal....
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
- by Mary Stevenson