This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
"First you sat down and nursed your pain. That's good. Then you got on your feet again. That's good, too. But now, now you need to run. And you won't be running from these challenges you face. You'll be running towards them, as a matter of fact....
What you'll be running from is Despair. See, there's a lot to be gained from confession (or whine). There's liberation. There's self-awareness. There's freedom - when we admit to the dark things that haunt us. But in despair - there's nothing - only more despair. Run ahead of despair. Run ahead of it, always."
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The above paragraphs reminded me so much of my attitude (but in a more positive light): When life knocks you down, just get up, so that it will knock you down again.....
To me, his words were saying that it's okay for us to whine about our life, our angst. But after whining, falling flat onto our face, crying - we need to get up. And start facing these challenges in life - as long as we keep one step ahead of despair. Because despair is what really knocks us down, down that deep tunnel of depression where you hit rock bottom.
This deep thinking is giving me a headache. I won't delete the ebook from my device. I will keep it to re-read those paragraphs once in a while....
I have come to accept that since I've been caregiving for about 23 years for mom, and started 3 years ago with dad - that I really must be suffering from PTSD - as several of you have mentioned to me. Now I understand why I so over-reacted just over the thought of my having POA. It's just the one straw that can break the camel's back (or push me over the edge.)
I don't know who's going to be POA. But I will try to drop by his clinic and find out if the insurance denied the referral for dad to see the specialist. While I'm at the clinic, I might as well make a dental appointment for myself. I've been putting off both of these for several weeks now. I've saved up $300 for the dental xrays and cleaning. I might as well make the appointment before I touch the money.
Severe headache when I left work. The Only food that comforts me in this intense migraine/stress headaches is - KFC. The one food that is so salty and oily and high cholesterol - that is very very bad for my high cholesterol. However, I needed my comfort food. I ate it and drank Pepsi. And my headache toned down drastically. I'm not even squinting at all as I type on my laptop.
Boss asked me why I didn't call a client. It's a very simple matter of lifting the phone. I replied that I was on the phone for 2 hours with a client (HIS client because he didn't come to work until past 12noon) this morning because the traveler was stranded and needed to leave ASAP in 6 hours on the flight to Hawaii and trying to find the most economical cost (other than my boss recommendation of $3600) which I found for $2700.00. Sigh.... And book a hotel, explain to the secretary how he's to contact the hotel to pick him up, etc.... Boss remained silent.....
On top of that, my clients were emailing me this morning about their people needing to be booked for Wednes, Thurs, Friday... do I have the reservations for review? Etc... I was so stressed out. I had so many emails opened and trying to do one at a time, following up on waitlists, seat assignments, etc.... And the bosses were on my case for One client that the wife is pissed off about. By the way, I Honestly did not see where I went wrong because both bosses have been doing this practice for Years.
Today was a very bad day for me. Sometimes I love my job - finding the most economical airfare possible. Sorry. I needed to vent this all out. Because tomorrow is another day. And I needed to purge today's negativity to make more room for tomorrow's. This way I don't explode in anger and regret the words that would come out of my mouth.
My mom talks non-stop about her pain meds and how Obama is trying to take them from her. my mother did go into withdrawal (not a pretty sight) because she needed emergency surgery and never told her primarycare Dr she was taking vicodin.. The doctor that was giving her the scripts is no longer practicing
College, that must be really reassuring and less stress over your mom being so near and yet likes her new home. It really makes a difference to Not have to split your attention in half. The Health & Rehab has the majority of her caregiving. You can concentrate on hubby. When my dad had a stroke in May, my last doctor's visit was in April, and dad became bedridden. I was suddenly by myself, full time and 2 bedridden parents. None of my 7 siblings offered help. I was able to get jobless sis to come and babysit - with pay. My next doctor's visit was in October - and my cholesterol level spiked up sharply. Doctor was shocked at the spike. And that was only in a 6 month time span. Imagine if you had hubby and your mom in your home and trying to care for both of them. You would be stressed to the max, and over.... So, I'm really glad that your mom is there and enjoying it. And you just hubby to worry over. {{Hugs}}
Sheryl, sorry about your mom's change. I'm not really into meds and am not familiar about it mostly. Was her previous meds no longer working? Can they lower the dosage a bit and slowly ween her off or ween her down to a lower dosage?
In the past, my dad is very verbally mean and cruel to me when he's in the hospital. He's nice to all my siblings but not when it's me. Even the doctor and the nurses gently reprimanded him - and it just pissed him off more. So, he's all by himself at the hospital and I just do very very short visits. Once he gets verbally abusive, I just walk out the door.
I sure feel for you all. It's awful when they're like that.
In January, I was telling the dental front desk about how I can bring bedridden dad there. He absolutely refuses to get on the wheelchair - even when he was at the hospital. They had to drag the whole bed down to the xray department because dad absolutely refuse to let that big hulking male nurse transfer him to the wheelchair. The dentist receptionist jokingly asked, "Why is he so afraid of falling? Did you drop him?" I did Not find that funny at all - when she said, "Just joking!"... I hope karma visits her and see if she finds those kind of remarks as funny.
You know, I still cannot purchase ebooks (even free ones) on the BN website because they don't send electronics overseas. I've tried all the customer help's email advice on how to do undo this restriction. And it's still not working.
What a coincidence. Most of mom's photos had her with a blank face. The years leading up to her first diagnosis, during her dementia, and to the end. It was very rare to see mom smile or laughing in photos. Yesterday, we found some photos that dad hid in his metal cabinet. Among those photos was a picture I took of mom. She was already diagnosed with dementia but not yet the really bad sundowning stage. I stared at the photo and smiled widely. I have that exact photo - enlarged and framed on my bedroom wall. It's my favorite photo of mom. This is the new mom with a new personality. She was smiling, laughing and held so dearly to that baby doll. (Once she started sundowning, she didn't care at all for the doll anymore.)
Teacher niece said something that made me angry. She said that if my other brother had grandma (my mom) babysit his kids (4 !!!) along with her mom's kids (oldest bro had 3!), that grandma wouldn't have had Alzheimer so early. I got so angry. I told her straight out that i remember what it was really like. I remember coming home from college and hearing grandma screaming at her and her young cousin. Grandma never ever yelled like that to the grands. I told niece that I kept telling her parents that something was wrong with grandma. That they shouldn't let her babysit (for free, of course!) anymore. I then asked her, "Remember when they found you and cousin J walking around the hotel parking lot with no clothes on and soggy pampers?" That was grandma beginning with the dementia. Niece kept quiet. I'm sure she doesn't believe me. But I have lived with my parents all my life. I saw, at age 21, that mom was changing. I kept telling everyone that something was wrong. No One was listening to me. I remembered being so frustrated. "Oh, no, mom NEEDS to take care of the grandkids. Mom NEEDS them, etc..." Yeah, right! sigh.. I should be posting this in the Dysfunction thread. Not here. Whatever. Her father was the one that people were praising at mom's funeral for taking such good care of mom. My foot!!! Him and his wife and my teacher niece rarely visited mom.
I didn't feel like spending lots of money for a kitchen cabinet curtain. So, I went through the cheap route. I dug up all the shower curtains given to me from sisters. I chose the one closest to the color of the kitchen. I then cut it about 26" high. And then the bottom half another 26" for the 2nd counter cover. Tomorrow, after work, I will punch holes on the bottom half of the shower curtain to hang on the skinny spring rod. I went to an oriental store and bought the cheap quality rods for $5.99 each that can extend up to 48". The first counter curtain cover is already set up. It looks so tacky! =) .. that's me. As long as it covers the empty bottom cabinet, I'm fine. If fave sis comes next week and thinks it's soooo tacky, it might be incentive enough for her to go and buy us a real sink curtain cover. =)
Nothing else she said made sense, but that came out clearly- she said it a couple times :D
Whew.... finally.
Mom had lots and lots of big baking pans, all kinds of pots/pans, and lots of knife sets and silver utensils. I told bro to take all of it. The silverware utensils had some very nice handle designs. Because I tend to hoard stuff, I don't want it. I'm still struggling to continue to downsize my ... LeSportsac and Kipling purses.
They wanted to take our dining table. Uhm... if you take it, where are we going to eat? Where will we put the rice cooker and our single burner? The dining table was bought by mom. It's one of those really thick heavy dark brown table that can expand. We've had that table for .. . over 27 years. Although I want to get rid of it since it's a large table for just sis and I, for sentimental values, I want to keep it. SIL found this very pretty breakable bowl among mom's hidden treasures. It was sooo decorative. She gave it to me. I held it and asked if she's sure it's a bowl to be used or for decoration because it's soooo pretty. I was so fascinated by the subtlety, I kept tilting the bowl staring at it. I kept it.
There was a huge closed box under the counter. Bro peeked into it and said it was full of pots/pan. I immediately said that I don't want it. Don't open it in front of me because i might change my mind. Just take the whole box away. That's what they did. I kept most of mom's Emeril pots/pans/covers and the ones I bought, and told them to get all the other pots/pans. Mom had soooo many! Our kitchen - now echoes when we talk. And it now smells of rat!!!! Oldest sis has mopped and mopped but it still smells of rat. I sprayed it with Lysol. And it still smells of rat. (Oldest sis and dad, before his stroke, believes in leaving the sliding door wide open. They both mistakenly think that rats don't climb up stairs to the porch to enter the kitchen sliding door. It drives me crazy that sis still keeps the door open when she takes her smoking break!)
Next weekend, they will be spring cleaning the inside kitchen and livingroom. Sis said that we didn't need to clean it because she did it a few months ago. Her hubby snorted. Sis turned to me with 'this look' and said it shouldn't be messy with junk. I sheepishly looked at her and said, "I will do my best to move my junk to another place in the house by next week." I have a very very difficult time throwing away boxes of the rice cooker, my wok, the grill, the microwave plate... get it? I hoard boxes of everything we buy and opened. I cannot throw it away - just in case we need to repack the rice cooker (although we're using it daily) or the wok, etc...
Casey, try calling your senior citizen government department/program. They can let you know if there's a program that your mom qualifies. Or refer you to other places that deals with senior citizens. With my parents, we had the govt caregivers who come 4 hours a week so that the caregiver can get respite. They also mentioned the meals-on-wheels program which for years (over 20 years) was only Mondays thru Friday lunches. This past year, they have now implemented Daily Lunch meals delivered to my dad. He has problem with solid food, so his food is delivered as grinded meals. They also referred me to another program - the national family caregivers support group - for me, the caregiver. They meet once a month, and provide free breakfast and lunch. We have talks, games, arts & crafts, movies, etc.... This month's meeting is at the cinema. I can bring a guest with me. But, I'm not going. I think movie theaters are too loud. I always come out with a terrible headache. I don't know why they're trying to make us deaf with those booming loudspeakers.
Jack-in-the-Box = I got some free coupons from them from the newspaper. I haven't used it yet but it will expire this month. I ate there for a very quick lunch and just did the survey. I have 7 days from receipt date to get my 2 free tacos with the next menu order.
Wendys - I really like their large salads (which shrank a lot! but the price remained the same). After taking the survey, I have 14 days to get $2.00 off the salad. Yippee! I didn't think it was worth spending $7.00 on that shrunken salad. I feel comfortable spending $5 + $2 coupon for it, though. =)
KFC - after taking the survey, I get a free popcorn chicken go cup with any purchase. Yay! I've never tried their popcorn chicken and didn't feel like buying it - just to find out that I don't like it. As a freebie, I can now try it.
Even though I eat as healthy as I can, I am still about 15 pounds overweight. Boo. Maybe it's my thyroid. Wish I had enough money to see a Naturopath or so I can do a trade again like I did a few years back. It's really criminal how the FDA, Big Agri, the whole medical system is stacked up to attack and destroy NDS, Functional MDs. Supplement companies, Raw milk farms and so on. I met the filmmaker of Farmagedon last week.
Ah well. Meanwhile I am taking Q10 and my other handful of vitamins, juice veggies as often as I can, avoid wheat as often as I can, and eat plenty of healthy fats: avocados, peanuts, walnuts, and some wild (not "farm raised") fish. I love learning online: ha reason I am fat. I should be getting more exercise!!
I walked outside and saw a gorgeous owl sitting up just ahead of me in a wooded area. I think it was a barn owl. What a thrill!
And I adore Zumba for exercise too. What kinds of exercise do you guys like? How do you tackle the middle battle of the bulge?
I am feeling more peaceful about my mother. I don't know why. Something inside me shifted. Perhaps because I realize that
1. if death comes, and it must at some point, it's not a bad thing.
2. I accept my range of feelings about Mom: the love, the anger, the grief, the relief I might feel with her gone, how I'll miss her, the struggle I'll have as she declines further, the whole enchilada.
3. I have given it all to God. Whatever happens. "Thy will be my will."
I think I will be of more use to Mom this way too and less likely to drive myself to illness!