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HI I am a man who has been the caretaker for my 94 n 95 year old parents both cancer survivors..my dad suffers from Alzheimer's also incontinence so I know what you mean honestly for me being a man was hard to get used first couple years I had a regular job as hairdresser I had been working for 20 years n trying to go to school but as years went by I saw my parents health decline little by little ..I do have other siblings who are men but darn it do dont lift a finger to help seems like they dont give a @###$$$%%%^****&</..dont know if you feel or felt that but that alone was very frustrating for me I wanted to kick there butt's especially me being da youngest it would drive me crazy ..because I am the one who does everything thing for them from taking to hospital from one day to the next staying awake all night n doing it all over again da next day I always would say to myself why do I have to do everything why doesnt anyone else help but I finnaly realized that it is what is and I man up n said to myself as a caretaker I know what I feel mentally PHYSICALLY as I have a bad back and have some medical issues as well I'm going on eleven years now working with them and yes I have my moments just like everyone else but we need to have those moments in order to understand ourselves and use those moments as experience because no ones teaches us how to do it so we must be proud and take our responsibility and do with it as it needs to be...someday we as caretakers will be in that situation so all of this is a learning process that people who choose not to participate is and will continue to miss out on its personal experience...that makes us continue to do what most people dont want to do....I'm so glad I'm here reading everyone's questions n comments we need to reach out to one another we are special people as well...
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I'm beyond exhausted after two very long weeks at work but got to hoca on time tonight to see mom before bed
she seems to be moving to a new stage - sad, crying and wanting to go home
caregiver said she's changed in the past couple of weeks - talking of dying and stuff
tonight she looked so helpless and said she wanted her mama
it made me cry
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Madge, so often passing suddenly is the case. I am sorry for the loss of your mom's dear neighbor.
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today was a hard one
so many have passed or gone home to pass in the 3 years mom has been at hoca but last night her neighbor passed suddenly - his wife looked after him with steadfast devotion everyday and she's heartbroken- she is like family and kept an eye on the Viking for me
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Morning started with news that my personal caregiver for mom fell last night while using the hoyer lift - poor thing hurt herself but at least mom wasn't hanging in mid air at the time - she'll be off a few days

got a text later in the day, mom was saying bad things - told the caregiver to tell her to apologize- the Viking refused to do so

by the time I got to hoca after work, everyone was saying bad things -
and the beat goes on
la dee da dee da
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Nice to hear, how are you doing. When usually it is how is your Mom. I am having long term burnout and feeling put upon after 4 years. No real Sibling help. 4 brothers live out of state. Since I never had children, this has really changed my life. I get frustrated because mom cannot be fixed. Sometimes, like now I get short and impatient with her. Having to remind her and repeatedly say things gets old. So I am glad to say I found this forum. I am getting some relief already just reading about others in similar or worse situations. Thank You
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book (((((((hugs))))))
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@booklvr - Your situation is similar to mine; as far as Dem/ALZ running in the family; but mine also include the risk of Diabetes (Gram had it and her Gram also - 1st born every other gen is prone so I watch my sugar levels seriously) so I understand but Cholesterol is one of the major contributors for developing Dem/ALZ. Provastatin is a common med and has few side effects but the first route is always to look at your diet and modify where and whenever possible to reduce your cholesterol intake. Your biggest concern is hidden trans fat content (included are 3 links) that list some of the foods high in it. Remember, moderation is best since most foods also contain nutritious levels pf fatty acids. The main issue is that cholesterol is one of the building blocks for the plaques that lead to Dem/ALZ that form around the neuroreceptors in the brain. Recent studies are showing a link that they actually start in the intestine, then migrate to the brain. Also, studies done over the last 10 years have shown that Sudden changes in stress, sleeping habits and diet greatly increase the risk of triggering this disease like retirement, being the sole caregiver and decrease in physical activity. Everything I've read in the last 5 years; and this is my conjecture; seems to be that the sudden decrease in physical activity is the key. Most of us; while taking care of our LO, have developed a more sedentary lifestyle due to their lack of mobility. The biggest hurdle for us then is Trying to find the time to get the exercise we need. Talk to your Dr about modifying your diet then go back for blood test after 2 months; the first month you might cheat on your new diet; and see if your levels are where they should be. If you're still high, then you Should take meds for it and get test every 3 months to see if they've dropped to normal. Most likely, a dietary change with more exercise will do the trick except. Here are the links: 1 - https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoid-these-10-foods-full-of-trans-fats/ 2 - https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/11-foods-that-lower-cholesterol 3 - https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/cholesterol/art-20045192
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GIANT bear hugs, CMB.

Pick a few of those favourite photos, make a little display, and hang them somewhere you and all the family can see them. You never know, it might start a conversation; and even if it doesn't at least it will give you something good to look at in passing.

Are you getting any time off at all?
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This AM I'm sad. Last night, I went through some old pictures of the fam and I and found so many when my hubby was well and the kids were small and wanted to hang around us parental units. We went so many places and did so many things. Now it's hard to go a lot of places since many are not handicap friendly and the kids are moody teens and only want to hang out with the computer in their room! I'm sad because I miss the days of going places and doing stuff, fun stuff...with the family, my family. Now all I seem to do is stay home and take care of my family and the stressful dogs! I miss my husband, the way he was before his strokes. He was so different...strong and he knew what to do all the time! And he looked different, too, the same, but different if that makes any sense? Now, he's weak and relies on me for everything and anything. I hate to say it, but it's such a turn off! I know that sounds mean, but it's true. He cries a lot, which I know is a side effect of a stroke, yet it gets annoying cause he does it so often! I feel so bad for complaining because he's alive after suffering two massive strokes! The doc said anyone else would have died, so he is lucky! The point is, I'm still the same person who loves getting out of the house and going places and doing things, but no one else is and I miss that! I feel lonely and sad now. Don't get me wrong, I still get out of the house by myself or with friends, its just not the same as it was with the family. Well, anyway, that's how I'm doing! In a nutshell!

Thanks for reading!
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Enjoying respite time. Too bad we got sick before taking it. Everything happened so fast, and some things decided for me. Rose is in rehab more than an hour's drive, and I'm not yet well enough to drive there since getting her settled. She appears to be very disoriented and weak, according to my brother and regular phone reports from staff. We saw it coming, and have a closer NH ready to transport her when they have a bed. Meanwhile,
I'm so relaxed, not on edge waiting for the sound of a fall, or seeing what's needed, since auntie had stopped asking for help. Wow, I'd forgotten how nice that feels. And we're accepting help from friends.
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Book, keep up the exercise. I always feel better when I've worked out. But I plateau, then stop. But if you are a cholesterol producer naturally which some people are exercise alone will not be enough.

I understand you not wanting to go on medication cause there is a link between statin drugs and Alzheimer's. But exercise is always a good, positive thing as is eating clean no matter what the doctors tell you. So keep it up if you can.
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Ahh Book
thanks for checking in
I hope you get some relief soon
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Book, so great to hear from you, but I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. Exercise will help with your depression, but you have to do it. I understand the five hours of Netflix, UGH!!! You probably would have done better to go for a walk, enjoy being outdoors.

So many have been missing you here.
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Good to hear from you Book, I was starting to wonder if you had left the forum permanently. It's great that the exercise is helping, but I disagree with your doctor's belief that all you can do to combat your cholesterol is exercise - both my parents needed coronary bypass surgery, mom in her 50's and dad in his early 60's, so although genetics play a role I don't think it is everything. The mayo clinic and harvard health have good web pages on lowering cholesterol, check them out:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/reduce-cholesterol/art-20045935

https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/how-to-lower-your-cholesterol-without-drugs
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Last weekend, I finally had a heart-to-heart talk with fave sis.  I told her that I'm going through depression.  I have not hit rock bottom.

Well, that just opened up a can of worm. Now sis has invited me to spend this Friday night and all day Saturday with them.  Her idea of spending quality time is sitting on the couch watching Netflix one series after another - all day. Did I mention that there are No Commercials?! Just before I left her house last Saturday at 5pm, I told sis that watching TV is not relaxing. It's very Exhausting. I went home so tired. A whole Saturday lost - doing nothing but watch Netflix over 5 hours!

My doctor wants me to do the blood test for high cholesterol since it's high. I don't want to take an Rx for it. It affects my mental thinking and Alzheimer runs in my mom's side (mom and her mom had Alz.) I have decided to Not do the blood test until 2 months from now. I will exercise between now and then to lower my cholesterol. Doc told me several times that it's not my eating that causes the cholesterol. It's my life style/family genes. For years, he kept telling me to exercise. For years, I've ignored him. Until now. I have set up my iPad to 9:30pm Exercise alarm for 3-4 times a week. Tonight was the 1st night. I googled some very simple warm up exercises, beginner's exercises and warming down exercises. I cheated on all 3. Heck, I'm waaaay out of shape. I actually got a headache from doing the main exercise. Too much, too fast... I have to say, despite all that sweat dripping down my back (still going through menopause), it felt so great to feel my heart and blood pumping through my whole body. The warm-down exercises were great, too. Pshaw! They recommend daily exercises. Heck, no!!! 3-4 x week is just fine - from a couch potato's perspective.

P.S. Never, ever drink ice cold water after exercising! Terrible head rush! Painful head rush!… Anyway.. I feel a bit better. I guess it's true that exercising can help you deal with your depression... Must be all that fresh blood pumping through the brain... =)
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As we missed our overnight trip to the casino, we took mom today for a few hours. For once I won!! No one else did however.. And I am so stressed by DDs home situation that I could not even relax and enjoy the win! Also stressing over a friend who is going through a horrible time, and has mentioned that she "knows she can move in with me". My hubs and my own hair is just standing up over that one right now! At least I can tell her that DD may be moving in until the renovations at her condo are done,, in a few weeks... Yes she would be a help with mom,, but I can't even think about this right now. Pray for us all!!
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MissusR72, unless you are a doctor, you cannot know all signs and their importance. Drop the guilt. Even the ER can't tell without lots of tests, and sometimes they miss things.  I've been told that no matter how much we do, guilt for something we missed is common when a loved one dies. Now
I find out it is common in caregiving. Be kind to yourself.
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You say " This job we have taken on is a tough one". Many of us did not willingly take on this job. It was foisted on us because there was nobody else to do it. We have been forced to put our lives and health on hold because of it. If you have "taken on" the job then good for you but many of us have no choice but to do it.
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MissusR, I wish I had something fabulous to say to you but you seem to understand the position you're in pretty well and it's not fabulous, so I won't pretend that it is.

I want to encourage you, though, to drop the guilt. You're there for your mom, you're trying to be a good help to her, you're human, and caregiving is HARD. It is so hard. So whatever other negative feelings you have about the situation, guilt shouldn't be one of them. Maybe you can try to let that go. I'm sure there's plenty of worry and frustration still to feel, hahahaha, focus on those, let that guilt go. You're not doing anything to warrant feeling guilty about.

Keep posting on the support threads, as much as is helpful to you.
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You deserve an award for caring for your mother-in-law. It's hard enough to care for a spouse you chose. To take care of a person you inherited must be hard even if you love her! Hang in there!
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Well today was pretty awful. They had to completely gut the condo down to the studs in the bedroom and both bathrooms. DD and guy above's units got the brunt of it and getting priority for demo. Be at least 3 days of drying before we can even get a contractor in for estimates on new drywall, insulation, carpets and such. Then to see who's insurance ( condo or hers) will have to pay the majority of the damage. And now flooding water from the pipes poured all over her heat pump.. we may have to eat that bill. Unless we get lucky and it defrosts alright. Call into HVAC already. Pray for us all.. my stress level is off the charts. And Mom wants to go with me tomorrow to see the damage.. hope she does not trip over anything and I can't keep her home.. At least she is offering to help with whatever the two insurances don't cover.. but I'm hoping we can do it without her help.
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MissusR72, if you get FMLA it will protect your job for 12 weeks in most cases, but your PTO will be used to pay you. Glad your company offers it, and if your boss says your job will still be there.. it sounds like you could use it. I use it intermittently for my Mom.
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My mom will possibly be coming home from the hospital today after this spell she had - she was unable or did not want to eat and her electrolytes were at a lethal level. Building up her strength again is going to be tough but she wants to do it.

I’ve been off work and my brother has been out to help take care of her house and i literally cannot get out of bed. For me, a major upset also makes me not want to eat, and I recognize that, and i have a supportive husband and dog, and they want to cheer me up too.

I feel guilty that I did not get mom to the GE doctor sooner, it turned out she had a majorly narrowed esophagus, which they took care of in the hospital. I also feel guilty that I don’t know how I’m going to work it when she comes home - a paid caregiver for a few hours, do I take an FMLA leave for a few weeks, will my job be there when I get back (they say it will, my management does empathize with me).

I don’t want her in a SNF, I think she’ll do ok at home. But, I’ve told her she’ll go there if we find out she doesn’t.

Im overloaded and feel guilty for that too.
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This is so me! As the women are saying these days, “ME TOO!” My mom is 93, living with me since 2005. Took care of her many years before as well, along with my dad. Dad died in 2002.

I long for my life back too. Does that mean we want our parents dead? Absolutely not! Reality sets in and we realize we will not get our lives back as they once were. Those days are long gone. At least for those of us who have our loved one in our homes.

My mother is spoiled too. It’s such a mixed bag of emotions dealing with this. For me, initially I had this impossible dream of making mom’s time with me as lovely as possible for her, so much so that I neglected myself, husband and children. Something is out of whack with that picture as many on this site have pointed out to me.

So, I started doing more research to find answers. It’s time consuming and even confusing in some areas but I have to work through it. I’m hoping to gather all the information that I can to do what is best for everyone concerned.

Then I won’t constantly wonder how things could have been handled differently to make life more meaningful and comfortable for all. I encourage you to do the same. I wish I would have been in the correct frame of mind to start on things sooner.

I’ve dealt with and still do, anxiety (what if?) and depression (grief over my whole life is dedicated to mom), even suppressed anger at times (missing out on life), exhaustion (mental and physical) and that has to stop. I can no longer be at peace with being stuck, and at least try to find some answers to certain situations.

I am in your shoes, other than I have children but they don’t live very close and after going through this with mom, I don’t want to be a burden on them. I hope I can plan a better future for me.

I don’t have money for a fancy assisted living place. I surely hope I will at least be in a place where I am cared for with dignity and respect. Or just die quickly the way my grandma did. That is what she prayed for and that is how she went. I’d like that too.
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That is a question that DOES NOT get asked very often. Even my friends - always ask me..."How's your mom?"...which is nice but sometimes I think - can you ask me how I'm doing? I have one friend who was like a sister but recently I feel she judges me - does not understand what I'm going through and/or even wants to hear about it. I no longer feel close to her and do not divulge my innermost thoughts anymore. Some friends do understand as they took care of their mothers - and they have passed. Some days I'm fine but I long for the day I can have my home/life back. My mom is 92, in great shape -still drives but her attitude sometimes wears me down. I do as much as I can humanly possible do for her - I think she's downright spoiled. I know I won't have anyone doing all of that for me as I'm childless and have been single for a long time. There is no time for dating when you work full time and then she lives with me. One day it will change but for the time being I'm lucky she can stay by herself. So I can work and get away with friends for the day from time to time. But the guilt is always there.
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Ali so happy you found your necklace!

Pam's water damage is awful. Good that daughter will now get coverage for items she was planning on replacing. What a mess.
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That stinks, Pamz. But I'm glad you're there for your daughter in her time of need.
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Well trip off,, daughter had a flood at her condo today.. the pipes burst above her floor, and now 6 units in her building are without water. Her bathrooms are trashed and her bedroom carpet is shot.. luckily a friend is out of town for a week so she and her roomie are going there, and Serve Pro is coming tomorrow to start the repairs and drying out. New drywall needed, etc. Luckily they got her furniture out of her room,, it seems OK and her clothes and matress, etc are dry. She knew some of the firemen who came, and they did her heavy lifting. and her insurance for what the HOA does not cover is from her work.. LOL So she is good there I hope! It's always something as they say. She was just about to get new floors and carpet ,, glad she waited. So we are dogsitting..
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It's really windy here too glad....My dH told me we were getting a bunch of cold air coming from Alaska our way and it's going to be really cold all next week.Hope you have plenty of groceries where your'e at and you stay warm.
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