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This is really hard. It has been going on for so many years & keeps getting worse & worse. I work full-time & have missed so much work over the years due to her medical emergencies. Every time she gets discharged home it's so much work to get everything she needs in place. What many don't realize is that's it not just her care, it's also maintaining her condo, which like any home needs maintenance & repairs, and she certainly can't deal with it.

The other thing with someone living alone is that food is a problem. Up until recently, she could at least heat up frozen meals in her countertop microwave, but that's gotten to be too much. We tried Meals on Wheels, but they have a 2 hr delivery window, and she is so deaf that she had to wait by the door until they came (if she were to not answer the door, they would call 911). So we dropped that, because she can't sit that long. I cannot quit my job and care for her. My husband is disabled and we need my health insurance coverage.

And even if she were willing to agree to more in-home help, it's difficult to arrange. Her agency (this is the 3rd one) is having trouble finding more employees. And then, there's the problem when the aide is sick/has an emergency and can't show up for the shift.

I understand my mother not wanting to go to a nursing home (I wouldn't like it either), but honestly, it's the never-ending medical interventions (courtesy of 6 specialists) that have brought her to this point.
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The answer to "I am not going into care" is a gentle "And I am not going to continue to support you in denying what you clearly need. I am no longer going to enable you. I won't be participating in your care any more".

I don't see what other choice you have unless you intend to just continue to do what you know isn't working for your own life.
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She has every right to be hesitant about a nursing home.
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Many states have assistance programs that mirror what one can get in the nursing home without the cost of a nursing home.
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So mom is better off dying alone at home, after perhaps falling and lying on the floor alone for days?
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See if her state has programs that can help people where they live.
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Good for mom stating not going to nursing home. Good for her!!
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What I've learned is....when the pain gets bad enough, they take the pills! Tramadol is the least of the narcotic pain killers to worry about.

When dad was in rehab and in no condition to leave, they would not release him to live independently. I had to get him into AL or leave him there in their Long Term Care section!
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Thank you! What I've learned, though, is social workers can make a recommendation for care, but they can't force someone who's making their own decisions to abide by it. And she hasn't been willing to take pain meds before, because she's worried about her kidney function (really).
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When she tells you she is not going into a nursing home, ask her what her plan is then because it is not you.
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Why do folks waste all kinds of money paying for Long Term Care insurance who have no intention of ever using it, I wonder? Then expect their children to drop what they're doing to rescue them from their myriad messes?

At some point, mother will not be released back to live on her own again. It may be this time, actually. That's when the "I'm not going to a nursing home" statement becomes meaningless as the choice is removed.

And if a Tramadol cured her pain, it's not too bad to begin with. See about getting her a prescription.

Best of luck with a very difficult situation, my heart goes out to you.
(6)
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It really irks me how these elders think of no one else but themselves. The only thing you can do...is to not do for her...she is not independent she is living in a fantasy world. Don't be her crutch.

Sending support your way!
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