The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Bonnie~I want to forward her calls to my phone but my sis is against it. Mom is on the do not call list but they still call and when I tell them to remove our number from their list, they hang up. The last one was for a whirl tub. The scammers use different numbers so we can't block them all. I will call the phone company to see if they have a way to stop the calls. Thanks for the info!!

Cindy, welcome to this thread!

Sharynmarie, on the phone scammers...can you put your mom's number of the "do not call" list? Also, most phone companies will work with you in banninig calls from "unknown" sources. They have their ways of protecting their customers. You may have to punch in some numbers but surely there is a way to limit access to your mother phone number.

Rosebud1, So sorry you are dealing with your cousin and all her emotional baggage over her mother. Has your great Aunt moved to her daughter's house?
If so, do you go over to visit?
As far as working with your sister, could you meet with your mom's minister or lawyer or even doctor as a family and have someone there to mediate plans for the future? Getting everyone on the same track sure helps. Wishful thinking, I guess, particularly with your cousin. But you said you have a loving relationship with your mother and your sister so maybe you all can work out some understanding of what your mother wants and how you two kids can bring those desires into play, when and if necessary. And by knowing you are an enabler, keep an open mind! Good for you to want a healthy and loving relationship with all of your kin.

sharynmarie, I'm not as sedentary as I was for I've been walking some on a more regular basis. I saw my doctor this week for my quarterly appointment. I've lost 15 pounds from 266 in December down to 251 and my A1C has come down from a 7.0 to a 6.5.

I received good news this week in the mail that I'm being continued on social security disability due to my bipolar disorder. This was the first time they had reviewed this in ten years. You would not believe the amount of paper work I had to fill out about myself and my wife had to fill out about me, plus going to one of their psychiatrists for an evaluation.

My mother continues the same and my dad is declining. Sometimes when talking with me he will make statements as if he is talking with his brother and then return his focus back to me. My wife's recovery is going well as she is getting out more. Her doctor is reducing her Clonazepam , anti-anxiety med, and she is having some withdrawal symptoms from that.

I suppose all families have some degree of dysfunction - the hidden and sometimes not so hidden rules that dictate how everyone is supposed to act - even when it's to the detriment of one or several. The thing is that when the family is supposed to "pull together" to caretake for the loved that all kinds of ugly comes pouring out of Pandora's Box. What has previously been under the surface, daring only to bubble out in moments of tension, become more explicit and obvious as the need to caretake becomes permanent rather than temporary. In my own extended family, we have been taught to make allowances for each other's shortcomings and idiosyncrasies, never offending one another, or 'rocking the boat.' For example, my mother and I are 'enablers' and have taken an overwhelming amount of responsibility for a great-aunt's care. The great-aunt's daughter, always the victim and the bully, now resents and feels insecure about her LACK of involvement for so many years. It has been beyond unpleasant, has pitted family members against one another, and has sadly, caused my great-aunt much distress that no one is 'behaving themselves.'All of these issues have been there for many years - decades - but great-aunt's health condition has really brought years of resentment, insecurities, and distrust to the surface. It's exhausting, and since I live with great-aunt, I am ready for it to be over. Great-aunt's daughter decided to move her to her home (10 m.) away because she now wants to give her the loving attention she hasn't been able to (sarcastically said) although my great aunt has lived in the same home for over 15 years and was perfectly happy in the current living situation. I have now had frank discussions with my own mother and sister regarding making decisions about what my mother will want as she ages. I want to have open communication with my sister so that we can avoid resentment. It won't be easy, I know, but it's really worth it for me to keep the loving relationship with my sister. I guess this is all to say that it is possible to create functionality and sanity amid the chaos.

Cindy~Welcome to our thread!! Come back anytime, share, vent and tell us about yourself and situation. Hugs!!

I,ve never wrote anything before,because I couldn't relate! But I found this site , and I hope I am welcomed . Dysfunctional is the only word to describe my family.Taking care of 83 yrs step-dad . Bookworm I would like to send my condoence out to you & family .

Margeaux~I think that possibly with dementia, the person gets to a point where they are so withdrawn into their own mind and appear to be sleeping but can hear what is being said to them...they just can't draw themselves out of this state so easily and eventually they can't do it all. I agree, cherish the moments you get!!

Today was very busy, I was back and forth with mom all day starting with taking her dog to the groomer this morning, picking the dog up at 1pm. and back to mom's at 2:30pm while we waited for the nurse from the senior living community to come over and evaluate mom for either assisted living or the memory care unit. He stayed about an hour and just talked with all 3 three of us asking mom some questions, observing how she behaved and her answers. Of course mom has misplaced/hid her hearing aids so it was a challenge to get questions heard and understood. She would look at me for help and I would translate in a condensed version she could understand. He did not give us an answer as to where to place her today, said he would call sis tomorrow evening with his evaluation. Sis was shocked with how young he is...about 33. He shared that he has a 10 month old son and he used this as a way to talk with mom and get her to open up. After he left, we looked some more for the hearing aids which we didn't find, but we did find $1,300.00 mom had forgotten she had. That will be deposited back into her checking/savings account tomorrow, Lol!! "H" has been telling us that mom has been with drawing a lot of cash from her checking account but we couldn't find it until today. Tomorrow we have an appt. with mom's elder law attorney to discuss her incapacity and the conservatorship...hopefully we will get some answers and the court process will take place quickly. "E" (the nurse) suggest that we not tell mom about the move until last minute. He said from his experience, telling a parent in advance causes too much anxiety and stress. The move itself will be stressful enough for her as well as the adjustment period. We will get some additional advice from a nurse with the LTC policy on this subject.

I finally got out to prune the roses in the front yard. Long over due as roses start growing in February. I ended up cutting off many buds...it's roses and they will bloom again. My lower back hurts but it is a good hurt...if that is possible, Lol!! Hubby is going to a Stockton Ports baseball game tomorrow night with his dad. That gives me some extra time get some things done in the house.

Joan~ Where are you?? We miss you!!

Cmag~How are things going with you and your wife's recovery??

Book~I have thinking of you on and off all day...I know it was a stressful day for you with your mom's funeral. It is already Thursday where you live so give us an update as you are up to it.
Hugs to everyone!!!

Oh my sister...she is the youngest of the 5 and rather pampered by mom and dad and the rest of us older kids. She isn't really crazy, just thinks she can do whatever she wants...like taking her little dog darn near everywhere including to mom's doctor appointment. Well, they made her put the dog in the entry way of the building, tied to a fake tree. Dog went crazy, pulled the tree over and made a big mess. Sister was told not to bring the dog (or herself!) to the office again. She is so darn unreliable! When I was back helping mom with breast cancer surgery and radiation, she was to drive mom at least once a week to the daily appointments. She did it once in the 6 weeks of those appointments. Her reasoning was "I told you not to have the surgery...so I'm not going there" sure enough, that sister of mine threw a fit when mom was diagnosed and didn't want mom to have surgery. When I arrived and went to visit the doctor with my brothers...the doctor was obviously relieved that sister wasn't there...and from then on referred to me as the nice daughter. We all love her and just accept her the way she is...plus we think the world of her patient, kind, loving husband. He is now taking her place at the family hospital visits. She isn't certifiable nuts by any means, just acts immature at 50. And even mom says it is all her fault as she spoiled her and let her do what she wanted. The scene we are avoiding is sis poking mom and asking "where does it hurt" as mom is in great deal of pain with that broken hip, shoulder out of joint etc. Mom was Ouch, stop, it hurts! so sis moved mom's legs so she could sit on the hospital bed and cried while trying to hug mom .Apparently one brother had to step in and tell her not to go back to the hospital until mom was much better. Like I said, her husband is a saint and understands how to deal with her. To describe her, I'd say she overly reacts in many cases. She is a great deal of fun to be with and is always charming and delightful most of the time. It's only when something doesn't go her way that she gets stupid. Spoiled rotten! She's 12 years younger than I am and I sorta looked on her as my little baby, so it's no doubt my fault as well. Seems she has gotten her nose out of joint since the PA has been working for mom. That has probably been the worst of it, when I think of it. Mom can so rely on her PA, who is just wonderful and super reliable, and the rest of us 4 kids thank God every day for her!

Sounds like your mother is getting a good deal of socialization with her lady friends. That is really important for her sense of well being. PA even helps mom with social affairs. She had an open house for her birthday day in February! and lots of people came. She had a nice dinner party for her grandaughter's soon to be in-laws...she has been thinking of having a dinner party again, now that PA can do all the prep work and clean up!
She sure is taking advantage of living in her own home!
Well, our little kitty has something wrong with her and two doctors have looked at her, rehydrated her and we are trying different cat food. If this cat dies it will really be hardest on my husband as he is very attached to Sweetie Pie. I'm just not up to more grief right now!
Haven't heard from PA today so wonder if she is busy getting mom moved. Hope so. I'm off to get going with the real work I have to do! Like clean the house. Thanks Sharynmarie.

Bonnie~I had to giggle just a little(no offense intended) at your remark of your sister being nuts. I must ask, is she nuts as in immature, makes bad decisions, gets herself into tough situations, or is she dealing with mental issues? I hope your mom's tests come back good and yes, she probably is better off in the hospital until they know everything that is going with your mom. Bonnie, you don't have to be dysfunctional to post here, being supportive is all that is required and you are supportive!! We appreciate what you have to say. I understand your being protective of your mother. Believe it or not (due to family history), I have gotten very protective of my mother too. I do love her, what her to have good quality of life and be safe. I have intercepted phone scammers while at her house. When the caller realizes mom is not alone, they hang up on me, Lol!! We have been very fortunate in that I have gone out of my way to make contact with a couple ladies my mother talks to regularly and these ladies have been a blessing to us. They call me if they have concerns about mom and it has helped to stay on top of things with mom when I can't be there all the time. "N" is a former co-worker of my mother's. She has been instrumental in getting mom to allow sis and I to go through her mail which has helped to reduce a large amount of mom's anxiety since she can't organize her thoughts on how to process bills and junk mail. I now remove all junk mail daily. She can't write out checks anymore so we do that for her and have her sign the check so we can pay her bills. ""H" is another dear sweet lady 92 yrs. old. She is a volunteer for AARP, does my mother's taxes and balances mom checkbook since mom does not trust us to do it. Well, I hope your sister does not cause a scene. It certainly won't do your mother any good if she does. Sometimes the stress of anticipation of a scene can wear you down. It's good that you talked with the PA giving them a heads up. Boy I can relate to that type of situation. Take care and let us know how mom is getting along. Gotta go, today is dog grooming day for my mom's poodle, Lol!! Hugs!!

I just appreciate you and Sharynmarie. Thanks. I'm preparing a box to send to Mom with things I think she may need at the Rehab. Turns out she is still in hosital due to more blood and other tests. I think she if better off there than being moved to the rehab. Do you agree?
Manohman,am I a novice in this fiels.
And Margeaux, I have a younger sister who is nuts and Mom said she is not to visit while mom is in hospital. Guess I qualify for the disfunctional family. We sibs all love her but know she is some bottle short of a six pack. Had a conversation with Mom's PA tonight and told her if sis goes nuts , then call security or 911, not to let Mom make decisons.
Gosh, I feel so protective of my mom.
Again if you want to read her book of poetry look on Amazon.

"Poems of Love and Hate"
so something like that


hugs to all,Bonnie

Sharynmariek,
Last paragraph: we'll be gathering, thought I'd corrected that!
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Thank you for asking about my mom. She's good, w/in the ALZ experience.
My sister apparently is taking it upon herself to cut down on one of the medications. When she has done this, guess what? Mother is awake! She is suspecting that this is a doctor who is just basically more interested in racking up charges towards mother's insurance. I have seen something like this happen lately to my neighbor. She's been in for different procedures and tests. She takes high blood pressure meds, and the doctor tries to pressure her to take a water pill.
She wasn't at all feeling good after having taken this pill, so she stopped. Then right after her venous surgery on both legs, an eye doctor was being very pushy trying to schedule her for catarak surgery w/in same month as the venous procedure. I told her, that this didn't sound right, and not to succumb to this pressure. This is the part about the medical community that I think people have to be wary about. Just because they wear white coats, and only spend 2 mins., (if that), w/a patient, doesn't mean they have our best interest at heart at times.

Interesting how you've described your dad that he would be sleeping but could hear you. My sister has the exact same description about mom. This Friday, she is turning 92 years old. WOW! So my sister called and we'll be gather, just the siblings and their partners to take her out to dine and hear some live music. I'm so happy my sister decided to leave out all the grandchildren, after that holiday fiasco! Mom comes to life when she hears music, so we know she'll enjoy this. So I'm very happy that mother is turning yet another year, on this wonderful planet. Even when it's rough, we must cherish these moments. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~I know you weren't talking to me specifically. It is fair because as you say, many of the things we talk about is connected to dysfunctional thinking/families. Just in everyday life I still occasionally have those trigger points that will bring up feelings and memories of the past. It is a lifetime of working to get over it.

How are you doing in regards to your mom? It is very hard to see our parent sleeping so much. My dad was like that too. When I visited him in the nh, it was difficult to stimulate him to wake up enough so we could talk. I do know that even though he seemed to be asleep, he could hear me because once when I told him I was going to go now, he said, "don't go". Then he perked up for about 30 minutes and we talked. Hugs to you and I hope your week is good!!

Book~I am so glad you saw to it that your father was there, Yay for you and your sibs who went back for him!! Take a walk along the beach and breathe. Hugs to you!!

Book, my thoughts and prayers have been with you all day knowing it's your mom's burial. I pray for your strength and peace within you. Hugs from afar, my friend!!!!!! Blessings

Book,

I've been reading the other thread where you have posted about what you are living right now with all of your relatives. Why is it that when someone passes many of the family members who have had little to no REAL input for the care of the deceased suddenly come out of the wood work to call the shots?

To read what your oldest brother wanted to do and not pick up your father, made my hairs stand. I realize from having read the other thread what an ordeal in and of itself the decision to take your dad, or pass by the family home with your mom's casket has been for you. Well I hope that you were able to get your dad there.

Book, what I can offer to you for just right now is try to focus a little attention on you. If you can find any place in your house, or even go outside and try to become very quiet and slowly take a deep breadth in,slowly, and then release it. This is how you start to learn the deep breathing. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of you and your family. Much Love & plenty of Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I just wanted to tell you, that you are not someone I think is getting off topic about dysfunction. I think it's fair, when we talk about other things and the perspective is invariably intertwined with it. Besides, some of us here who been here as long as we have, well how can we not talk about other related situations that have dysfunction in them also. I've done it. It's all connected. Much Love & Light! Mrgeaux

Bonnie,

There are very many people who have in laws, and for that matter parents living with them. If you read the different threads here you will find plenty. Some taken this route because they just cannot afford the expense to place elders in nursing homes, ALF, and the like.

Many of us come from cultures also that frown upon placing an elder in a home.
If one has grown up with a narcissistic parent, and you've been told things such as Sharynmarie has been told, that her mother would not want to be placed in a home, as my sister and me were told, well then it isn't such an easy thing to face once this is staring anyone in the face. The other component to this, is that we've lived the dysfunction. This is the big difference between someone who has a cooperative elder, (even making their own plans to move into) a facility, from a harmonious family vs. the dysfunctional one. In the latter case, if an elder is going to placed, there are extra hoops to jump through to accomplish this.
I think one has had to have walked in these shoes to fully comprehend this situation. Margeaux

My blood mother died when I was 7 years old and my father shortly thereafter married a woman that had a sole objective to "straighten us (my 2 brothers and I) out". We were micromanaged into shame and sent to a chair where we were captured audience for preaching about how sinful and bad we where. and all the abuse a 100 lb lady could through on 3 young kids. To be short, the next 10 years of my life were humililating, confusing, lonely and desperate. I snuck out of the house one night while they were asleep and just left a note saying "I will be alright". It was the 60's, early 70's when drugs and free love were everywhere and I thought id found nirvana. but that all ended with a drug arrest (minor) and rolling my car after drinking a lot of marguaritas. Then I did tons and tons of counseling in which I was sure that my step mother was the wicked witch and my father the innocent bystander. And by the way, anyone going through what he was would drink themselves to sleep everynight so that was okay.
My stepmother died 20 years ago, and my father moved in with me 10 years ago. During one of my counseling sessions, I will always remember being confused ---trying to make mean -- out of one of his principals: "if you are a woman, you father tells you what to do and your mother shows you how to do it" I thought, well, everything didn't fit because that was so untrue in my family.

Until, after 5 years, the light bulb came on. All those things that she lectured, gagged, insisted, preached and punished where HIS ideas, not hers. And she was his puppet. He wasn't the innocent and devastated father who would have just protected me if ONLY she weren't in the way. He'd PUT her in the way.

I've spent 10 years taking care of him now and the knowledge that that has brought me is invaluable. He's not a hero and that's okay. He never really got out of that foxhole after the Normandy invasion. His principals were set by a country mom and an alcoholic abusive father, who's number one goal is to stay alive and number two goal is to protect his booze supply.

But what Ive also learned is that no matter what he does, no matter how much I disagree with his beliefs, he is my father and I love him, although he no longer gets to tell me what to do. I have finally have my freedom. Very few internal voices. When they do "visit me", I am almost amused and I can joke with them (or my father, who also gets this "oops, ive been caught" look on his face.

It has not been an easy decade in my life. But it has been a meaningful one. I can stand in my truths now, where as before I could only stand in his shadow.

Ah book, this is so sad. You have been so on my mind today, and all we can do is send you our love and prayers. Asking the Angels to hold you and your dad today, I know that they are already holding your mom with love, xx

Today was the private viewing for family only. It was from 12:00noon- 2pm. As you know older sis was in charge. We had agreed that we would try to get father ready to go by 12:00noon. We had all the boys on hand. Then SIL called and I answered baby bro's cell phone. I could hear oldest bro telling her in the background to tell us to go to the funeral home (this is about 10am.) And that when we leave, father will change his mind and decide to go. Bro said that he will go and pick up father. I relayed the message to all siblings here. Majority of us wanted to take him now with us. But older sis overuled us. So, before we left, but promised father over and over that we will come back.

We arrived at the funeral home around 11:40am. As I was passing by oldest bro-of-next-door talking to older sis (in-charge), I heard bro tell her that he was not going to bring dad over. I was shocked and continued to walk. I quickly went to fave sis and told her what I overheard. I whispered to her that oldest bro tricked us. That he’s not going home to bring father. Sis quickly told her hubby. Then we had to start the rosary. It ended at 1pm. At 1:15pm, we decided to go get him. We all sped on the wet road to the house, rushed in, told father that he’s going and that mom looks beautiful. He was ready to go. My niece who stayed behind told me on the way to the funeral home, that father said that we should have taken him with us.

We siblings were so upset with these events. So many things occurring in which older sis (the one in charge) disregards the majority (all us 7) to listen to oldest-bro or SIL. As for me, I don’t really let it bother me until today with father. Like baby sister (so upset her voice shook in anger) said – this is father’s Wife, he Loves her, he took very good care of mom all these years…and we were not going to take him to her viewing? She couldn’t believe oldest bro was going to do that. She couldn’t understand how he thought to get away with it. I replied – Simple. When people ask, he will just tell them that father did not want to leave the bed…..Her mouth fell open and then she was angrier than before – because it’s plausible and believable. Sigh…. I’m soooo tired. Emotions ran high today.

Margeaux~Thank you. You are right, there are times where I know I post things (others too) that don't have anything to do with the dysfunctional theme. For me, it is because I am most comfortable on this thread. It is a work in progress...very true. I agree with you and your sister about stimulating someone who sleeps much of the time. Very difficult to do. My dad slept a lot during the day...in front of the tv. Mom took him to adult day care 2-3 times a week for a few hours. When you are with someone 24/7, making time to actually sit with them for a couple hours doing activities is very difficult when you have yard work, laundry, house cleaning, working from home on the computer, and all the myriad of other chores to tend to. Yes, my sensitivity to what people say to me about something is all due to the my dysfunction because I read too much into other peoples words It is a work in progress and one I have to sometimes just ignore what others say. Blessings to you and hugs!!

Sharynmarie,

How are you doing? Well I read you last posts, and it brought to mind when my sister said that the last time, she took mom for a check up to her doctor. My sister was asking the doctor about possibly cutting back on some medication for mom because as I've written previously that she's sleeping way too much. The doctor told my sister, that she (sister) has to stimulate her. But then my sister tells me, "How they heck do you stimulate a person who is always sleeping/"
She also said, that it's easy for the doctor to say these kinds of things and I totally agree with her. All they do is prescribe, diagnose. But they don't live with the person, so they have NO CLUE! Sometimes I really feel that as a caregiver if one hasn't walked in those shoes, most everyone else can give you is ideas, theory and all of that. Each shoes are so individual also!

It's normal to feel whatever you are feeling. Remember, again because I'm feeling sometimes on this thread, that we're kind of straying from the "Dysfunction," theme, if you know what I mean. You're absolutely brilliant, and I know you are doing things from your big heart. We've been communicating now here for a little over a year, so I feel I can really say this to you having read many of your postings and how you've handled many of the issues that you've faced.
I've have seen you grow, and I know you have done a lot of work to get here.
Remember, that this whole situation about dysfunctional families is a work in progress, I know for me it always is, and will be.

Glad to hear that your sister and family will assist you with the move when the time comes. Trust. You're in my thoughts. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks Sharynmarie, My brother is "on top of it all" including the Elder shower and tubs...plus change of sink handles so on...
And yes, he has spoken with the PT and no doublt when Mom is at the rehab they will be able to give further advise. So very glad we have Andrea, the PA, she is a godsent!
I can't remember where I read Mom wont be taking a bath, shower only.
Thanks for your concern and tips!
When will you be moving your mom? So glad you are not doing it alone!
Bonnie

Bonnie~$20K for the stair climber better than the 75K. Wow, I didn't know it would cost that much but safety is a priority. Have you checked out those tubs with doors. I have seen them on TV but I don't know anyone who has one or if they are helpful once installed. You might want to talk with the PT at the rehab for some info on that. I would think they would have some suggestions. Good luck on your search and I hope your mother recovers quickly.

Bonnie~My mother is sweet as pie to people outside the family. She just doesn't trust family members, it all goes back to her family of origin. My sister and I have checked out 3 senior living communities. One community we went to sent out a red flag for us because they were willing to move mom in without us having DPOA. We can't use our DPOA until mom has been confirmed as incapacitated which a neurologist and her PCP have given us statements in writing. This Thursday we have an appt. with mom's elder law attorney. We will give him these statements and he will work for us to get a conservatship. That is how he and mom set everything up. I am hoping he will agree that we can at least use the DPOA to get mom moved for safety reasons. I worry about her hurting herself plus she is not eating regularly even with me going over to make sure she has a meal when I am there. I agree that in the beginning, we may have to stay away for up to a month so she get acclimated. I will not be the only one moving her, my sister will be with me and my nephews will take her furniture in their trucks and get things set up for us. I say she will blame me because she blamed me when we went to her 2 1/2 years ago telling her we thought she had dementia and needed to see the dr. about it. We hardly spoke or saw her because of her verbal abuse, then in 2012, by August she was having trouble with her finances...paying bills on time,etc. We reported her to DMV as an unsafe driver in Sept. and she declined very rapidly since she lost her license. I live 5 minutes away and have been going over daily since October. She sees me the most so I am guessing she will lash out at me the hardest as it seems the caregiver takes the brunt of an elderly persons negativity. In California a judge has the final say as to whether someone is legally incapacitated and our DPOA's require that before we can make decisions. Thanks for the info, I will read it. I am sure there are some great tips!! Hugs!!

There is an article in the April 2013 Reader's Digest about 50 things to look for in nursing home care communities (note, new word for nursing homes). I think you can find it on line at readersdigest.com 4/13 50 Secrets a Nursing Home Won't Tell You by Michelle Crouch. In the section :Make A Room a Home, they give some tips on making the person feel more at home. # 38..."It's a good idea not to visit for the first two weeks, especially if your relative has dementia. Just call, or write a letter if you want to. That gives her time to build relationships with the staff and other residents and get used to the fact that this is her home. Otherwisem, every time she sees you, she'll think she's going home, and when you leave, she'll get really upset. It ends up taking longer for her to adjust."

You might want to find that issue on line or at the grocery store. Lots of good ideas/tips.
Update on my mother. She has to have a blood transfusion due to her near anemic condition today before the hospital will release her to rehab. Also, some reason they want to do a CAT scan. Again, before she is released.
The decision of the elevator and/or stair climber...Elevator must go on the outside of the house and estimated cost of $75K and will take 6-9 months to get it done with all the approvals, etc. So, the stair climber is "only" $20K and that takes 5 weeks.
The stair climber won.
Now to find out more about bathtub to showers!

Who says YOU have to be the one to take your mom to the new resort? Maybe get a letter from her doctor which tells her he has determined it is unsafe for her to live outside the "resort" or whatever it is? That she cannot live alone.
If she is going to be abusive to you verbally or otherwise, don't take her alone. Maybe the "resort" can come with you or come and get her w/o you?
If she is abusive to the people in the "resort" they will kick her out. She has to learn she cannot treat people badly. Maybe it is just her children who get the wrath? What a shame as she is missing out on opportunities to enjoy her grandchildren.
Let me know what you decide to do. Bonnie

Bonnie~Thank you for your kind words. No, you are not a "daughter like me" just because you don't have your mother living with you. If I remember correctly, you said your mother lives some distance from you. Your siblings are closer to your mother logistically. I work with two people who have their parent/parents living with them. I admit I am sensitive about it, but I don't feel guilt because they don't understand my situation. I forgave my parents a long time ago, though I had to set boundaries around our relationship and my children. My sister and brother on the other hand have not forgiven mom. I also had therapy, they have not. Thank you for letting me vent because I know when we place mom, she is going to spew all kinds of venom and it is possible she will blame me the most because I am closest to her. I am prepared to deal with it by not visiting to much in the beginning if necessary. I will continue to advocate for her so the she is well taken care of and has what she needs to be comfortable. Hugs to you!

On a brighter note, today we had a down pour of hail that covered rooftops like snow. The parking lot at work was not only flooded but piles of hail were all over. My windshield wipers were completely covered over. This doesn't happen here very often so everyone at work and in the store were out taking pictures, Lol!! Have a good night!