The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ouch...Sharynmarie, am I supposed to feel bad that I'm now a "daughter like me"? It never crossed my mind nor my mother's to come live with me!
If there were a financial issue, then I can see the kids chipping in for the cost of a place for mom...But it sounds like your mother is $$ okay and can afford this luxury. Don't dump guilt on your your halo. You are a wonderful daughter to a not so wonderful mother. And, forwarning, don't go over there frequently as she will become accustomed to just your company rather than mixing in with the others living at the resort. Once a week is enough. Let's hope she has a nice personality and will make friends.
My point is I don't know anyone (except my neighbor) that has in-laws living with their family. (and my new neighbor is already unhappy with her daughter and SIL).
Most importantly Sharynmarie is for you to feel alright about this move to the resort and stop feeling that you need to justify or explain away your feelings of guilt. Phooey...
My thought is to avoid people, places or things that make me feel bad about myself, guilty of the damned if I do and damned if I don't situations, and/or makes me sick to my stomach.

Remember, you can't make someone love you and you certainly can't make someone happy if they are bound and determined to be miserable.
As Easter is about Redemption let your wrongs be forgiven and those who have wronged you, too.
one more "daughter's like me" who think I am just fine and dandy!
Bonnie

Margeaux~When my dad had Alzheimer's he never made accusations either. He was very sweet, docile and easy going. Since mom has a paranoid personality disorder, I think having Alzheimer's makes her personality worse. I can handle her accusing me because she has done that all my life. Her safety and well being is my concern. She is not thriving at home even with me going over there seeing to her meals, etc. Hugs to you and have a Happy Easter!!

It's not just the "unfair financial accusations". It's also all the years of abuse as a child and adult. Her paranoid personality disorder has ripped my family of origin into pieces. My sister and I are the only ones willing to "see to her care". She is legally incapacitated due to Alzheimer's and can no longer take care of herself and cannot live with me because my marriage, physical health, mental health comes first...I learned that after 4 years of intense therapy. People who were not raised in this type of family really have no clue how it affects you for a lifetime. Should she have a choice in this...certainly if she was not incapacitated, however, she did have choices over the years...choices that drove her family members away. I struggle with this decision only because of the stigma society places on "daughter's like me" who choose their mental well being over continuing to be abused. Hey, what do I know...I only lived it.

Sharynmarie,

Thanks for explaining about your mom's family. I do understand, when you've described them as being, "remote." At first I just thought originally you meant as they lived far from you, which I know they do. But do you mean they really don't initiate the contact with your mom's side of the family over the years?

Oh, this friend who relieved the wife that day for my husband's sick friend is a wonderful friend also.

I couldn't help but laugh at your description of your mom barricading herself!
So the accusations are in gear? This is interesting, because we have not experienced this kind of behavior with mom. But this also goes to show you how individual each case of Alz/Dementia manifests.

The Assisted Living resort sounds like quite nice. I'm very happy that you have found it, and that she can take her poodle with her. This is a big plus!
Well Sharynmarie, I wish you the very best as to how you will be dealing in telling your mother about the Assisted Living. From many postings I've read, I find that having the programs they offer, to stimulate someone w/Alz/Dementia is very important. I say this, because I see as in our case, the fact that my sister didn't seek this avenue out earlier w/mother has unfortunately impacted her ability to still connect someway. Of course, the situation as you remember was very tense, while the narcissistic aunt was still alive. But needless to say, I many times think that I wish something along those lines would have been done, and mom could have been going to at least an Adult Day Care, instead of just sitting in front of the TV, all the time. The caregivers do a good job, but I'm afraid they do nothing to stimulate her. So I personally do see the benefit in these programs for elders.

O.K., Sharynmarie, you and yours are in my thoughts!
Have a wonderful Easter Day! Much Love & Stay Strong! Margeaux

Does thinking someone is "stealing" par for the course with the advanced aging process? I remember my MIL feeling just awful as she took over the check book for her father (who died at 100) and often accused of being a thief. Grandpa would also tell the other siblings that she was stealing from him. It took some courage and fortitude on MIL's part to stay calm and explain to all that the "lost money" was an illusion. Turns out they never thought she would do that and just "went along with dad" as he ranted and such.
I'm just saying I find it intersting that so many of the folks on this thread have faced unfair financial accusations.
Reminds me of the divorced person who kept telling me ...I used to have...."
When my MIL was ready for a resort like retirement/asst. living place after her husband died, she choose a two bedroom unit, which cost more but it was what she wanted and what was available. She really enjoyed the place and said she should have moved years before. My husband is the eldest of 6 children and again, he is the only one that lives out of state, like me. His mom chose what furniture she wanted to move and flat out said she wanted a new sofa/couch to fit the new apartment! She had "the boys" move her stuff while she was off having her hair done at the "new" place. I just hope your mom, Sharynmarie, has a good attitude on her move. If the "resort" has assigned table seating, that worked well for my MIL. The tables were set up in 4's and great effort was made to find good table companions. Those who needed mechanical movement vehicles were aided by staff and then the vehicles were put out of sight in a closet as some folks did not the idea of seeing all these folks in wheelchairs. Interesting!
so I hope your Mom gets a good attitude and enjoys her stay with the resort.
Happy Easter! Bonnie

Appleseed1,

Welcome to the thread. As Sharynmarie has suggested to you, try to seek out an elder attorney. She's right that you do need first and foremost of all to get legal control over your mother. By doing this you and your brother would be able to start to put in place necessary living conditions for her welfare.

This must be very stressful for you and your children. It is great, that you and your brother are working together in this. Please keep us updated.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bonnie~Thank you. It is very hard seeing mom struggle, she is not eating properly. I am over at her house 2 x's a day when I work and 3 x's a day on my days off not to mention taking her dr. appt., shopping, haircuts, and helping her look for things she has hidden but thinks someone stole. Mom wants to stay home but we can't allow that anymore. Her safety is a priority. We have not approached her on the move yet, not sure how to and telling her too much in advance is only going to cause her to go into hyper mode and who knows what she may do. It is not an easy decision to have her placed. However, I can tell you the place we are going to move her to is like a resort. A dining room where she can order what she wants to eat. They have a special of the day, but you can order off a menu. The Expressions program for memory impaired folks is an awarding winning program that stimulates their brain...based on expressions such as "a penny saved is a penny earned". They play music from their era...Tommy Dorsey, Glen Miller, etc. Many activities and they have live acts such as an Elvis impersonator and others that come in to entertain. They have planned trips for shopping, can take them to dr. appts if necessary. Heck, I would live there if I could afford it! I will continue to visit my mom 2-3 times a week, take her to lunch, shopping, participate in some activities with her. Plus she can have her poodle with her...a big comfort for her!! I am not saying this is going to be all wonderful from mom's perspective, but I need her to be in a safe environment because I have to work to plan for my own retirement. Hugs to you and Happy Easter.

I'd like to wish everyone a very Happy Easter. I don't know what each and everyone does on this holiday, but whatever it is, whether that is going to your place of worship, hiding easter eggs for the kids in your life, or just getting in touch with nature, I hope it's all good! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Have you told your mother about the upcoming move? Has she been to the AL to check it out?
Gosh, this must be really hard on you. Either putting your mom in a "home" or keeping her with you...tough to deal with either way.
In reading what folks on this thread go through taking care of someone...I am in awe of each one that has such a tough situation. At a Senior Living class I took last month, the fact that caregivers die at home more than the needy person due to caregiver burn out and stress. So be kind to yourself.xxoo Bonnie

I put a deposit on a room in assisted living for my mom. They will have a nurse come out to mom's this next week to assess her. She may be able to go into assisted living until something comes available in the memory care unit. The director told me today that they have quite a few people in assisted living who are incapacitated.

Appleseed1~My heart breaks with all you are going through. I strongly suggest that you seek the advice of an elder law attorney. You need to get DPOA for your mother. She may not be incapacitated at this time but it will happen. People with Alz/dementia need routine daily. Switching living arrangements is not going to help. It will cause more confusion.for someone with Alz/dementia. My mother is taking an antidepressant that has helped a great deal with her irrational thoughts and fears. My father also had Alzheimer's, he passed in 2003. The majority of attorneys will give you a free consultation for the first visit. I don't know what the financial situation is with your mother. There is also the Area Agency of Aging that you can contact for programs that your mother may qualify for depending on her financial situation. My mother has an elder law attorney who wrote her DPOA so that we could not make medical or financial decisions for mom until she was diagnosed by a neurologist as incapacitated. That has been done. Now we wait to receive the letter to take to mom's attorney so he will work with us to get a conservatorhip through mom's estate. Unfortunately, it is a long drawn out process. Last year at this time, mom was early stage dementia. She progressed rapidly after losing her drivers license in Sept. of 2012. As a last resort, you can call Adult Protective Services to come out and evaluate your mother. I would try to see an elder law attorney first to see if you can get a DPOA written up. Good luck and keep us posted as to what is going on as i helps others going through similar situations. Hugs to you!!

Book~I am so glad to hear from you. I know your situation has been heartbreaking and stressful. I haven't sent you hugs because I didn't want to overwhelm you but you please know I am thinking about you daily. I have read your posts on the YOU thread and my heart goes to you with everything that is going on with your family members.♥

Applesed - it seems the best thing to do is get mom legally documented as having dementia. From there, the door opens to apply for caregiver respite programs (1 to 3 hrs a week), adult day care for her (expensive) or join the senior citizen group. You can also check for programs like the alzheimer organization in your area for help/advice. I think most of all, you and your family need some group support there where you get on hand advice and exchange phone numbers with one another for support. I think, if your mom needs meds, it will take a while for you to find the "right" one for her. But, I think it would be worth it if you do all these. Just take it one small step at a time. First step - doctor. Second step - phone calls. When you talk to one helpful person, ask that person if they know of other programs that you can call.

Bonnie - so sorry about your mom and the hip surgery. I hope it works out well. If your mom is able to do rehab and bounce back to her normal every day life, you're good. I hope she doesn't follow my father's footstep - refuse rehab - and is now bedridden. Unfortunately, he absolutely refuses to get off the bed - at all - not even on the wheelchair, not even to attend his own wife's funeral this coming Wednesday.

Sharyn, sorry, I gave a short laugh when I read that your mom is barracading herself. Sounded just like our mom when she was on the accusation stage. Except she didn't barracade herself. She attacked us and WE barracaded ourselves in our bedroom. =) ... FYI, prescribed meds are trial and error here. You can do a search on the top right of the meds your mom is prescribed and see how other caregiver's charges reacted to it.

Not good; after 3 months; My family is emotionally drained. We do get a break for 1 month, but then she returns. We need help in dealing with our frustrations and inabilitity to deal with an irrational person who thinks everything is fine and she has no worries. Mom is either fine and amiable to her surroundings or argues with her and gets agitated if we don't agree with her and her untruths. It is especially hard when we know the difference. My brother and I don't have POA or guardianship, so we can not legally help her, but we do the best we can. My dad passed away last June and it's just the 3 of us. My kids, ages 23 and 19 have become babysitters when we are at work. The 23 year old is mildly autistic and the two of them are like oil and water; the 19 year old has learned to adapt; after 19 years of living with an autistic sibling, he's the most sane of us all. We need help and she does too. Where do we start?

Margeaux~Yes it was hard on my mom when her sister was placed even though my mom knew it had to be done. My aunts daughter and son were not as vigilant as I am in checking on my mom. The daughter had Meals on Wheels bringing her mother food, but quite often she did not eat it or threw it out because she thought it was old. I know this because my parents went back to visit while my aunt was still living at home and my mom witnessed this with her sister. As I said before, mom's family is remote emotionally...I wonder how many of her sibs had a personality disorder??? I think at least 3 of her brothers did from what I have been told about them.

I am so glad your husband got to talk to his friend on the phone. That was really a great thing the other friend did for your husband and the man who is ill.

I just got back from my dr for blood work results (mom's and hubbys dr. too). Everthing is good but blood sugar is still a tad high which he said makes me pre-diabetic. I have to get another test in June. I have had a sinus thing going and off since last week, thought it was a sinus infection but dr. told me it is allergies. We talked about mom, he said hubby told him yesterday that mom was incapacitate. He said it will make things easier for me once we get things in place for her. I told him how mom doesn't want to take the antidepressant anymore, saying she is having side effects like she always says with all prescription medicine. I asked if I could get it in liquid form, he said no, but I can crush it up. He also said that it will not hurt mom if I give her the Namenda 6-7 hours apart instead of 12. I still think I will wait on giving that to her simply because it is going to stress me too much getting up in the morning before going to work to give it to her. I am usually up til 1-2am before going to bed and sleep until 9 sometimes 10am. I get home from work btwn 9:30-10pm. I never sleep all the way through the night which adds to me sleeping later in the mornings. Without sounding selfish of my time, I don't want to add more stress to the mix and end up skipping dosages.

Mom is slowly barricading herself into the master bedroom. Ever since hubby took her ladder, she has been targeting him, accusing him of stealing everything she hides. Today she told me he took plant food, laundry soap, and several other things. Most of these things end up being found in the master bedroom. She locked the doors to the other 2 bedrooms the other day. Her house was built in the early 60's so the doorknobs have a small hole for the key to fit into but requires a flat tip to fit in the slot inside the doorknob. I had to remove the doorknobs so we could get in. I told her if she did this again, I would permanently remove the knobs. Of course she claims she didn't do it, my hubby did. Needless to say, my patients with her has been very close to the end. I know she can't help it, but when she started accusing my husband, it brought out my mother bear instinct, Lol!!

I wish everyone a Happy Easter, Happy Rebirth, and Happy Spring!! Hang in there, even if you are only hanging from a thread...this may be the thread to pull you through!! Hugs

Bonnie~I am sorry about your mother's fall. She sounds like a wonderful mom and so mentally sharp to be writing books at 94. I agree with Austin, she sounds like the type who will recover quickly, enjoys people so she will make friends even if she only in for a few weeks. Kudos to your mom!!

Wow your mon is 94 and writing a book-she will do well after surgery most likly because she is so involved with life-hopefully she will do well in rehab and if she has to go to a NH she will find friends and enjoy activities.

Emjo,

I just want to send out a "Hello," your way! I have been thinking about you, and I hope all is well. Miss you, Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Bonnie,

I am really sorry to hear about your mom's broken hip.
From the descriptions about her life, it does sound as if she has a wonderful life.
Even how you have described your family, it's quite a contrast to many others on this thread who come from very dysfunctional ones, and for this I am very happy for you. You will all work together to make sure that your mom remains in good hands, and continues to be taken care of. . You and yours are in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

You are right. My husband is quite a guy in this area. I know he is grieving.
I also think that with the recent passing of Vanilla, the cat, which w/be two mos., ago on the 4th of April, that the whole subject of passing is right here. I know he misses Vanilla, but of course being a guy doesn't show it as much. I on the other hand, do have my crying moments about it. Well, he did at least talk w/this friend over the phone, when one of the other friends was there relieving the wife for a bit. They hadn't talked even on the phone for quite some time. This I know, some what pacified my husband.

Your poor mom, with the situation about her sister. I'm sure she must have missed this communication once her sister was placed in the nursing home. Well on this point, I hope that your other relative will send her a card every now and then.

So, it appears by the changing of the guard at your deli, that not even a boss can be so smug in their position? Well you've probably heard, that for every action, there's a reaction. Well I hope that your next boss is fair, and that it won't be so taxing on you to get accustomed to. Much Love & Light! Maargeaux

Just to let you know Mom had the hip surgery last night at about midnight. She was back in her room when I called this morning. The PT and SW were there so I just left a message for my sister to call when she had time. Guess Mom is really tired as the discussion was about starting pt or to give her some time to sleep. Thanks, Bonnie

Hi all...just when I thought I "only" had my friend with early onset dementia to worry about, my mother broke her hip last night. It is so heartwrenching to be 3000 miles away. The good news is she may be 94 but is in good health. No heart attack, stroke or illness. Her right knee went out on her (it has been a problem for some time) and down she went. She tells me she was enroute to send me an email about shipping a painting to me...Anyway, the security button was pushed and the medics were there is a minute or two. Off to the hospital. I am the middle of 5 children. They all live within 45 minute drive while I'm 3000 miles away. All of us kids get along very well and they are all right on top of this fall. It looks like the surgery to pin her back together again will be in a couple of hours, then 3 days in hospital...then the social worker will tell the family and Mom what comes next. Of course, finding a good rehab place is high on our list. Any suggestions there? I put a question about that on the question page. Mom does not want to go into a nursing home but wants back into her own house. If she does well in the rehab and is a candidate for home care, an elevator will have to be put in as these three story houses are not good for folks with bad knees and broken hips! However, if she doesn't do well in rehab and must move to a nh permanently then we need to proceed with clearing out the house. In either case, I won't be needed until we see how she is doing. Anyone with any suggestions for me? I am in shock. Mom just told me how very happy she is at home and loves her house. She is looking forward to having a dinner party for the latest grandchild marriage celebration. It does seem interesting that each person I talk to about this says just about the same thing, that mom has told them how happy she is and what a wonderful life she has. Maybe that's a sign that her "expiration date" is near and she is just wanting us all to know she has had a happy life. I don't know. Anyway, I'm in tears so will sign off. You guys have become sorta friends, and I wanted to tell you this sad news. I am hoping for the best, however...she still has one more book to finish and send off to the publisher!

Maargeaux~How sad for your husband.It must be very difficult for him to not to get to see his friend. I do understand the families position too. I give your husband much appreciation for trying as so many people will not go to see a friend in hospice care. I am sure your words have helped him to understand as he is probably grieving as well.

My mother and her sister were in constant contact until my aunt was placed in a nh. Then it was basically my mom sending her cards,etc. She was probably in the nh about 2 years when she refused to eat/could not swallow so the family had a feeding tube put in. My mom is very much against a feeding tube in cases like her sister's so it really broke my mom's heart when they did it. Back in 1997 or so, my mom received a call from a social worker in PA. Her brother's wife had been discovered deceased in their house by a neighbor and my uncle had Alz was incapacitated. My mother was his only relative that could make decisions for him. He also was placed in a nh and they kept my mother informed of his condition until he passed away. As far as my cousin is concerned, I will send her the address to the memory care unit when mom is placed and it will be up her if she wants to send mom cards.

Yes, I remember the latch key kids as I was one of them starting at age 12. I loved coming home to a quite house with no siblings there telling me what to do, Lol!! I had to call my mom everyday when I got home and I was not allowed to leave.

My bakery/deli boss is being transferred to the store in Stockton I worked at before coming here. Saturday is her last day. I was just getting to understand how she works too, now to start over with another boss. The district supervisor has been making things very hard for our current boss, I think in hopes of forcing her to step down because they wanted to have separate managers for bakery and deli. Since my boss wouldn't step down, they have transferred her. They did the same thing to the bakery/deli boss I had in Tracy. Our district supervisor is a real menace. She would come to our store when our b/d was on vacation and just pick everything apart that she could find wrong, change the schedule by cutting hours. Last week when "S" came back from vacation, she was so pissed because of all the hours that were cut she accused the store manager and the district supervisor of setting her up to fail (that is what I was told by others who were there at the time). Who knows what will happen with a new manager. I do know they usually come in with a very strict attitude in order to set their authority in place so the next month may be very stressful until she feels she has made her mark. Some of us may get transferred too.

Have a good day and hugs to you!!

Bookworm,

I totally agree with you about people in this condition not wanting to see anyone.
When dad was in and out of the hospital. he had his share of visitors. My parents were the kind of people, who always wanted to keep face with friends and relatives. At first dad would keep a happy face and all of that, but I know later on it became too hard. I suggested to both my sister and mom, to try to discourage some of the relatives from going to the hospital. Of course this fell on deaf ears. It was interesting too, because some of these relatives really didn't come to visit them, while they were healthier.
I also think that many times for just privacy reasons you just can't let everyone come.

I had to explain what a person goes through mos. ago to my husband, about getting sick right after treatments, immune system being a reck, and the patient can catch anything visitors bring with them. So there's more to all of this, I'm sure.

Thank you for the suggestions about keeping in touch. He does email him, but of course for a time now, there's no reply. But as I've told him, that's the important thing right now.

By the way, how are you doing? I was getting ready to write a note to you, as I know you haven't posted for over a week. I hope all is going well with your family.
You've been in my thoughts and remain. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

For years, we have taken mom / dad in and out of the hospital after a length of stay. I had decided long time ago, that if I ever had to be hospitalized, that I wanted to only have family visit me. In my first major surgery, my 2 bosses came to visit. I loved the purple flowers they brought. (My favorite color is purple). BUT, it was tiring trying to Pretend to be okay and converse with them. Same applied with my family. The rule is 1 visitor at a time. My family came in as a group. We talked and laughed and ...I was just hurting and sooooo tired but kept my mouth shut. I was being polite. My surgeon walked in, smiling and asked how I was doing. I replied truthfully: "miserable." He looked at my family and reminded them that I just had a major surgery, needed my rest and only one visitor at a time. Sigh...SILENCE was bliss and no need to pretend to be "normal." Same with my 2nd surgery, aquaintances came to visit. All I know is that when I am sick and miserable, having visitors (friends or family) does NOT help me.

If I had cancer and was going thru chemo, etc...and was throwing up all the time and miserable, I would not want any visitors - only family. Cancer is a very personal thing. You're at your lowest level of health....skinny and losing hair and fighting the fear of a slow painful death. Maybe your husband's friend may not want those he's closest to - to see him looking at his weakest. It's hard to say....Have your husband tried the personal touch route? Buy a card that is blank inside, and write his thoughts to his friend. Be personal. Include with the card his friend's favorite sweets, etc.... A small get-well-gift. Keep doing this every few weeks to remind his friend that he is being thought of...and it shows that your husband is sincere in his wanting to visit. But remember, his friend also must have his dignity. My 10 year old niece, close to her final chemo, was sooo skinny. She was skeletal and seeing her walk looked awful. Like a small wind can blow her down. She was eating like a bird - anything she ate/drank (and not even when consuming) - she was throwing up. If your husband's friend looks like my niece, I can see why he wouldn't have people visit him. I will always remember my deceased niece as being so skeletal - not the beautiful child she WAS.

Well I have something going on currently related to a Hospice situation.
My husband belongs to a society, he's been a part of for many years. So he's had this friend in particular he's known I think over 25 yrs. or so. Since he has become very ill with cancer, we have seen less and less of him. Now that he is doing Hospice in his home, I guess he just doesn't want to see many people anymore.

So here is the issue. My husband tried to see him mos., ago and called his wife to see whether this was possible. She said, "No." I could tell at the time, that my husband didn't like this, because she did allow her sick husband to see about 5 other people, 2 of whom also have been part of this society. So I do know my husband, and I'm sure he was feeling the pecking order, w/in the friendship.
On top of this, he was feeling this relayed to him, by his sick friend's wife. She's never been the communicative type, she's very private!

Anyway, I had to explain to my husband in this, that it must be VERY hard what his wife is experiencing, going through all of this with her husband's illness.
He's gone the route, Chemo, and heard he's taking about 18 pillls p/day right now.

The last few days, my husband made one more attempt to see if he could visit his friend one last time, but the wife now told my husband that she is now being the voice of her husband. As painful as I know this is for my husband on different levels, I reminded him, that if these are his friend's wishes, we have to respect them, even if my husband feels I'm sure closer than some of the people who've been allowed to go visit him the last month. I feel too, on an ego level this really hit my husband. But oh well!! I do feel for my husband, believe me, because this is an inner circle friend. Margeaux

Austin,

I offer my condolences for the passing of your friend. Your idea about creating a memorial place for her is very nice. I realize you've stated the husband is a jerk, and it sounds like the consensus between her friends is the same. Really sorry about this part. May her spirit soar very high! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Good Morning Sharynmarie,

My mother used to say to my sister and me, "when I get older, just put me in a nursing home, I don't want to be a burden." Honestly, on account of some of the abuse doled out by her, I know I, (in my mind) used to think, "that's where you belong." Of course I felt this way too, since she was the kind of narcissist that did the neglect, and treating my sister and me as if we were Cinderellas, and babysitters. I don't think she ever uttered any of this to my brothers.

Well things have changed since the 50's, haven't they? Society was quite different then. I believe that in many families, there was still a sense of community within family's. I also believe that there were more available women at home to do this job. This has changed though. I know this is what what my siblings and myself experienced. We became the "latch key," kids. Remember that? For those of your not familiar, parents would hide the key under the doormat, so their kids could get inside the home, while parents were still at work.

Anyway, I know for a fact that our mother would make this comment about placing her in a nursing home, to start the ingrained guilt trip. But by then I was a teenager, and really had become aware of her games. At that time I also thought, "how ridiculous is that?" I felt as if my mom was wishing something, or other she really didn't desire. Point being, I saw right through this manipulative statement.

It sounds as if your mother has been out of touch for quite some time, especially with her sister. Well, what can be said about trying to keep in contact w/people, family you do not really know. I have cousins like this. The only time I see them now, is at funerals. I'm not really close to most of them, except one. The one I am close to though, I had a real relationship with, throughout the years. The others, I can't say the same, and it wasn't their fault. It's just that as the years passed, my uncles didn't come to visit dad as much. Dad did the same. So that meant that we didn't maintain any bonds with some of our cousins.

My sister has gone through some of this weighing out whether to contact one of mom's old friends, etc. But several times when my sister says she's either put mom in touch with her old friend on the phone, mom has hardly anything to say to the friend either. This is AlZ.

For as much as some people like to say, let's stay in touch via emails, after awhile they don't. This used to happen also back in the day, when people used to also say they'd write to you, and maybe at first they did. But as time passes, people get very distracted and have their own things going on.

O.K., Sharynmarie, hope I've sparked some ideas for you. My feeling is, try not to give the lack of communication from this daughter of the niece too much energy. You're probably going to need this, for other things going on about your mother.
It is a time of adjustment for you right now. You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

IS THERE EVER A DAY THAT PEOPLE WAKE UP AND LIFE IS PLEASANT,LOVING AND BONDED TO JUST ONE THING THAT MAKES THEM HAPPY? . I DO BUT I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO FEEL CERTAIN EMOTIONS. HAPPY EASTER..

Margeaux~Thank you for your kind words. I know logically I have nothing to feel guilty about, but my mom really drove home the words over the years about being placed in facility or community.My mother, unfortunately, was raised to believe that family put their life on hold for the parents. Her family was very dysfunctional. One of her brothers took advantage of her back in the 1950's when he borrowed $250 from her. That was a lot a money for my mother to give him. My father finally stepped in and told her brother he had to pay it back as was the agreement. He gave my mother a sealed envelope. Later when my mother opened it, it was filled with coupons. My mother's family is very remote. I made contact with my mother's niece a year and a half ago after my mom was having trouble with email. I told her my mom had Alz and that I would keep her informed but mom would love to continue to hear from with phone calls. She responded positively to my email. Well, shortly after that she suffered a stroke and her daughter sent me emails. Now I get no word from them...it's been at least 9 months. So I have given up. It is sad because my mom's sister has been in a nursing home for many years (over 10) with at least 10 years years on a feeding tube due to Alz...so I do not know if she is still living. They no longer contact my mother by phone. I am thinking of sending an email to find out how my aunt is. I don't know these people...we have never met and apparently they dont think it is very important. My mom doesn't ask or say anything about her sister so maybe I should mind my own business.

As far as my manager goes...I just think women as managers still have a lot to learn yet in these positions. I may be wrong and I will fess up to that if any one has anything to point out to me. I support women in these positions, dont get me wrong on this issue. I just think they tend to let their personal feelings on some issues get in the way where men have decades of experience and woman are not always as willing to share their experiences on the job because they have had learn without mentors. It's just my opinion so please feel free to correct me.

I was off Wednesday-Friday and didn't accomplish much because I was totally exhausted...my back hurt from putting mom's blinds...aching...preventing me from sleeping. The acid reflux was bad which mimics a sore throat and sinus issues. Well, I now know I have either a throat infection or bronchitis without a sinus infection. If I am coughing as much as I have today, I will call off tomorrow...just don't think it is good to be coughing a lot at work when I work with food.

My son called me earlier, he and dil are sick with bad colds too. He said he has an $80 credit at the book exchange here in town for said I could use it. The Book Exchange is a book store where you can take in your used books to get credit for other used books you want to purchase. I told him they would probably want his approval before they would allow it. I will check it out this next week after I feel better. Enough rambling now..Hugs Margeaux and Thanks again!!