The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie,

Please do not feel bad for saying it is a relief. I find this to be completely normal.
It's hard on family members, no less the key people that are caregiving, to remain in the dark about as in your case what it is your mother is suffering from.
You need to know this information in order to do something for her, or for as I know this arrangement she has in place with her attorney. Why would you want to suggest any guilt to yourself for something like this. I'm going to say it, "You're kind of beating yourself up." You're strong, and emotionally sound quite mature, so give yourself some credit, my dear!

It is painful to ask our family, or friends about these matters while they're in the middle of it. My neighbor told me the other day that she has to take care of some kind of Melanoma in the future that she has on her skin around her throat area.
She's had cancer issues elsewhere. So when she divulged this to me, I held back from asking where this cancer was. It's like, you just don't want to ask too much, of course this is being sensitive to people's barometers about talking about it. But then she went on to tell me where it was, etc.

My brother also, just received notice that he no longer has his job after March 30th. He's been a rep for one of the most popular beverage companies in the U.S. for 29 yrs. We really feel for him. So I've been really sending out good energies, that he doesn't get stuck on account of this setback. This circumstance must be very difficult also for your brother and SIL.

Oh, what is up with your manager?? I hope that someone with more authority than she told her a thing or two. She really doesn't sound very bright telling you that she wanted to force you to come in, etc. What kind of remark is that, from a so called manager?? You'd think HR would look into this matter at some point.
O.K., I hope I haven't said too much, but she's getting on my nerves.
You and yours are in my thoughts, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I would honor their wishes if they were in writing-I was once against creamation but talk to my pastor and he said it was alright-our bodies don't go to heaven it is our spirit-our mother changed her mind and had told me and her friends that she was going to be creamated but her will stated otherwise so we followed what she had written with the lawyer-it would have been a whole lot easier because she died while storm Sandy was upon us and there was no power and the 150 miles to transport her were difficult and the church had no power or heat and the cematary had no one to dig the grave-it would have been a lot easier to follow her stated wishes but we could not since she had written what she wanted-so it might be a good idea to ask your elders how they feel about it and if they had changed their minds-and creamation is not a lot cheaper.

been a while since i was here, and so much has happened to you all, with passing of loved ones and friends, and all the challeges we face daily ... so let me start by sending love to all of you.

i finally plucked up the courage / reached the end of my tether / snapped, and told them i was done with this and leaving, which shocked them all senseless. why would i leave? whats wrong? i said something had to give, and barring a miracle, i was done.

then my father in law fell in the bath, and needed the endless trips to the doctor, and then bedrest and me to nurse him and care for him. last night incontinence hit in a big way ... you know what i mean, so we are now into nappies, hopefully not permanent, but still someone (me) has to wash the sheets, the pj's, help him clean himself, the floor, the loo, etc

so if course i am still here. not quite the miracle i was hoping for, but something inside of him recognises that the only person around to care for him is me, and he is becoming compliant (ish). this past week, i have echoed the tone the german doctors and nurses use with their patients ... absolute authority, no questions or suggestions, just orders and facts ... and he is doing what i say, when i say it.
the doctor told him to listen to me as i know what i am doing, and since then he is behaving. long may this last!

so i am nursing my 89 stubborn, mean old man, incontinence rules the day (both sides) but strangely enough, in control, as hubby and fil have no clue in this situation.

Margeaux~I feel bad saying it is a relief to be at this point with my mom...I don't wish incapacity on anyone, but it does open doors for us to go forward for mom's protection and best interest.

My husband took my mom's ladder to our house. Mom has been having a fit since we took it. She has been calling 3-4 times a day, not just me, she has been calling my sister and my brother daily. My brother called me today asking about the "great American ladder mystery", Lol!! I told him why I took it, he said he figured as much but had told mom he would call me to find out. We talked for a long time, he didn't mention his step son and I didn't want to ask because I know it is painful for all of them. He and my sil are handing in their retirement papers on Monday because they work for the government, the government has issued furloughs for thousands of employees to save money. He said he and sil will have to take a 22 week furlough without pay and they don't see it as beneficial since they planned to retire at the end of this year. My brother and sil went to night school for years to get their degrees in business. Both are in upper management. I told him what happened at work last week, switching days off with a co-worker and my boss wanting me to come in on Thursday which I had a dr. appt. at 2 pm that day. Then she called telling me Friday, I still had to come in to work what was scheduled even though I had switched with a co-worker and when I came in Friday, everyone said they did not need me and I got a manager to approve that I go home. My brother said my boss probably got he a$$ chewed out for calling me in when the person I switched with was already there. He said they have to pay me for 2 hours even though I was only on the clock for 3 minutes. He said that is probably why she gave you a big hug when you came in Saturday. I am not going to feel bad if she got talked to because she pretty much admitted she called me forcing me to come in because she was mad that I didn't come in on Thursday. I told him I always schedule my appts. for my days off, he said he used to do that too, but they would call him to come in on days off so he started scheduling appts. and filling out a request off slip with the appt. card attached. I may start doing that too. I have been off since Wednesday and not a word from work to come in. I go back tomorrow. Maybe if my boss was talked to about last Friday, she may get off my back now. I may have exercised my rights without knowing it and she doesn't know that but may have learned that I will not let her get away with playing me, LOL!! We shall see what happens next week on my days off. If she ends up transferring me as a result, I don't care. The situation with my mom has not interfered with work. Yes I did lose her medicine that one night during the first week of January and I did take one day off back in October when my mom cancelled her phone service, but my boss was on vaca that week so I don't think she knew about it. Bottom line is...she has nothing on me other than she does not approve of how we as a family are handling things for mom which she can't hold against me work wise...only on a personal basis. Thanks for letting me vent all this, I feel better and think I may have turned a corner at work with my boss.

Austin~I think that is a great idea to memorialize your friend. She obviously meant a lot to you and to many others. To bad her husband is a jerk.

I was talking with a 28 year old co-worker the other day. She is married and lives in a 4bdrm house with her brother, sil and both parents. Her father is bedridden from a stroke. I asked her if a parent has written instructions in their will how they want things carried out upon their death, would you follow their instructions even if you didn't agree with them. She said it would depend on what is in the instructions. She said for example, her mother wants to be cremated because it is cheaper and she (the daughter) will not have her cremated. There was something else she said she did not agree with and would not follow. I guess I am too old school because I would follow the wishes of my parent upon their death. Any other opinions on this??

Thanks Joan -it is hard being right across the street and seeing her house all the time-it is amazing how many friends of hers I was able to connect with on facebook-it must have been God that made me go on facebook-here I thought it was my idea-I reminded them on her page that the husband would probably take her facebook down and gave my facebook name to them and then her older son whom she did not raise asked me not to write on her friends walls and must have told others the same because no new messages are on her facebook page. I plan to make my garden down by the road -which she loved to look at a memorial to her so her local friends have someplae to go to think about her and if they want to talk to her as I do at my church where we have a simple stone bench to honor a women who died where I sit and talk to her from time to time.

((((austin)))))) so sorry about your friend - her husband sounds like a real case. I thought they had to do an autopsy with a sudden unexpected death, but I guess there has to be suspicious circumstances as well. How tragic and hard to deal with. I am sorry - you are going through some tough things.Hope your computer smartens up. I am glad you have connected with her friends more (((((((hugs))))) Joan

my puter has been acting strange to day- I am sure her husband will be vindictive and delate her facebook page so have encouraged them to become my friensd so we can continute to lift each other up and not lose connect-so far I have heard from many of her friends-and it is a comfort to know her friends from her childhood and her college s and her career.

Hi guys I have not been able to post much-I am dealing with the death of my friend and neighbor-who died suddenly and her husband is acting like a jerk and would not allow an autopsy aor a funeral service for her-

Sharynmarie,

Well, at last you finally have the word from the doctor. It is difficult to hear this about a parent. I remember, when we heard the same news about mom.

But now, you can move forward. You and your sister can finally have this attorney onboard, or however the agreement was arranged, so that you can find the best place possible to address your mother's needs. The community that you wrote about that will allow her to keep her dog sounds very good. Oh, pets!!
They are warm and cuddly!!

I will say this about your manager (the one switching up days off), be very careful with her. She's tooooo flip floppy. It could be she is moody, however this kind of stuff should be left at the door, she being in a managerial position. Be mindful, and keep track of the manuevers she's doing to your's and others days off.
You're in my thoughts, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

It looks as if the trip to BC did you well. I can tell from your picture.
Oh, I know about the sinuses! I'm afraid it's hitting me also. Just in time for spring.

I'm really sorry about the communication going on with your daughter, and how it affects the relationship with your grandchildren. I completely understand these dynamics, Emjo. While my sister's daughters were younger, I always felt at somewhat of a loss with my relationships with them. Sad to say, that at the bottom of this is my controlling sister's attitudes about many things and people in her life. Yes, it's better we detach. Besides, one day your grandchildren will be older, and hopefully can separate some of the dysfunction about you and their mother.

Well I hope things are well with your mother. I remember you wrote she hadn't been in touch with you as much. Maybe no news, is good news?
I'm thinking about you Emjo, w/your current situation and your daughter.
Hope all is well with the rest of your family. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have decided I am not going to give my mom the Namenda untill things are settle with her placement. I can not give it to her twice a day 12 hours apart because of my work schedule. Even if I give it to her at 6am, I can't be there to give it to her at 6pm because of work. I told sis about it and she is okay with it too. I am having trouble getting mom to take the antidepressant because she says she is having side effects. I looked up the side effects she says she is having and it is not listed with this drug. Any prescription drug she takes for long term, she says she has side effects. I am going to try to get her to continue to take it until the next appt. with her PCP on April 18th. Then I will ask for a liquid form which it said online is available. I can't find any info about dissolving it so I don't want to do that without knowing it still works. Her anxiety is too high without the antidepressant.

LadyDi~I had a post going to you but lost it. The long and short of it is, I too have some PTSD and caregiving for an abusive parent is not easy. Many people do not understand what it is to grow up being abused. Many respond with "get over it" or "everyone was abused growing up". Real abuse lasts a life time, there are triggers that bring back the pain. Most of us can laugh at getting our butts whacked for something we did wrong, but the ingrained messages that rip you apart as a person stay because you heard it everyday of your life and you believe it. Setting boundaries with an abusive person is key to dealing with them more logically and detaching with love. Therapy helped me to get rid of the anger and pain. I also recommend it if affordable and insurance helps cover it. Mom has Alzheimer's and is now legally incapacitated. As the Alz progressed I learned I had to treat my mother's behavior as though it was from the Alz and not her personality disorder. She still accuses us of things but it just rolls off my back now. Detaching with love is a skill we all need to learn to exercise. Please come back and share, vent or offer advice!!

Book, although I am new to this thread/site, I do feel such compassion for you and your family. The sadness of losing a parent has to be very difficult. I know it was when my father suddenly died. I hope you have a parent still alive and in your life!

No matter what, when you lose a parent, you have lost their opportunity to say "I'm so proud of you!" over even the smallist accomplishment. No one else remembers the thrill of the first day you walked!!! Forgave you when you were caught smoking...attended your graduations. Parents are always proud of their kids.

Forgive the bad things and remember the little efforts of kindness.
Bless you and your family.
Bonnie

Bonnie

Book I too am very sorry for your loss, but as others have said, she is finally at peace and now it is your turn to find your own peace. may the angels gather around you and keep you safe. Many hugs to you. LadyDi

Book,
I am truly sorry about the loss of your mother.
You did a very noble thing for her.
You and your mother are in my thoughts.
May her spirit soar very high.
My sincere condolences, Margeaux

Book~I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother is at peace now and she was very blessed to have you taking care of her. Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. Hugs to you!!

(((((((book)))))) my condolences on your loss. What a long journey this has been for you and for her. Finally she is at peace. I am sure you have a lot of mixed feelings right now. Thanis for letting us know and keep us posted about how things are going for you. You can rest in that you have been very faithful in looking after your mum. You are a good daughter. More (((((((hugs)))))) and prayers ♥ Joan

Midnight here n about to go to bed. I just wanted to let you know that my mom has passed away this afternoon. I went straight from work to the hospital for the viewing and then the rosary.

I wrote earlier, if anyone reads what I said would think I am a "polyanna". I am not, my mom is mean to those around her in the usual Passive/aggressive way. She has always been that way. Dad was not around he was doing what all men of his generation did. He was the financial provider of the family. He may have stuck his head in the sand when it came to what mom was about when he was not there. I can only remember once when he actually stuck up for me. The dynamics of our family do not seem to be any different then other abusive homes I have read about on this site. But like I said all other family members simply walked away from mom when she found herself alone. I am doing the right thing for me. I can not stress getting therapy, if your budget will allow it. The burdens/luggage of the past become very heavy with time. And they can not be ignored. I pushed my life with my mom as far away from me as I could. I tried to pretend this all happened in a bad dream, and if I drank enough or eat enough it would all just "poof" go away. The damage from the abuse never left me. Then when I stepped up to care for mom, it all came crashing in again. All of that made it very hard to take care of her. That is when I became overwhelmed. My first visit with many questions from my therapist she asked me one question "has any of the other therapists tell you you have PTSD due to the abuse. I was in shock for days, then all of insanity started to make sense. PTSD does not define me, it explained me. I am now in the process of forgiving letting go of the anger and resentment. Not an easy thing to do when I live with the one person that had a hand in most of the abuse. That is why I said those of us that dealt with a less then healthy family life, are strong and powerful because stepped up and took things over. I am not here to create miracles, I am not hoping for a relationship I never had with my mother as a child. I simply think she does not need to be alone. It is not easy to be this close to her, she is still the same person I left behind years ago. But I am not that person she abused, I speak up now and stand up for myself without confrontation. I want peace. I am the only one that can make that happen. mom still asks "do you think I was a good Mother" I tell her she did what she knew how to do. I tell her she did the best she could. But I have to bite my toungue. I can not fix whatever nightmares she may be going thru. That is her path to travel. Thank you for listening again. One day at a time. First things first.

I tried to write something just a few minutes ago, but my computer died so I don't think everything I wrote will show up any where. How am I doing as the caregiver for my mother, well that question never comes up. I am glad someone took the time to ask. I am better these days. Mom is doing well, she moves alittle slower these days, forgetful and grumpy but healthy. I read so many times in this form get some professional help thru this. So, when I ended up overwhelmed and lost I took the step. thank you for everyone that kept making that suggestion. What I found out was, I was not going crazy, I am a survivor of my "family". That in itself was a relief. Then I had to ask myself why am I the one here with mom. The rest of the family simply walked away from it all. I know enough about myself now to know that taking care of mom, is something I can live with. She may not be everything we all needed but she does not need to live what is left of her life, alone. I am not a hero or anything else like that. I am a woman who believes what goes around comes around. Mom is living with her own nightmares, I can not fixed that, but I can take care of her to the best of my ability. Therapy was a blessing to me, if anyone out there is giving it some consideration. By God, get it done. You will discovery what you are really made of and you will be surprised to know that you are fine. I have learned I am ok to be angry and resentful for all that happened in the past and with time I will let that go and move on to being at peace with my family. I got tired of carrying around all that ancient history. I think that the "Norman Rockwell" family was someone elses life not mine. There are times now I can actually laugh at "some" of the crap. And I have to say it is funny to watch the others in family still going around and around about the past. I have said this before I am not a hero, I am recovering from a life of crap, and I am the one taking care of mom. My hat is off to all of us that had the guts to be the caregiver. We are all strong and very poweful people, we all faced the tough stuff and stepped up to be present and accounted for.

Joan~S has only been like Jekyll and Hyde since January. I have noticed that she gets very stressed during holidays or special days like Valentines Day and she can be hard to take because she will focus on one person and ride them all day long like she did me on Thanksgiving. She told me last month the weeks I requested for vacation were rejected. Yesterday I asked her about the alternate weeks I requested. Now she is saying they are approved so I am going to request the week of April 15th since our 36th anniversary is the 16th (that is why I requested it the first time). I hate office politics and am not good at playing the game.

Sarah~Learning to set boundaries is key. One thing I did several years ago was I would leave my parents house when I felt the tension rising. Sure enough my sis would call me later saying you were smart leaving when you did. I never could understand why she would not leave too. Instead she would stay and a big verbal fight would start and when she did finally go home, she was so emotionally upset by the incident and another Christmas, Thanksgiving was ruined. Set those boundaries and stick to them, learn about detaching with love. Hugs to you!!

I could use one of those angels to carry my load right about now, my family has to be the definition of dysfuntional...how do you deal?

(((((sharyn))))) glad you are getting a better understanding of your boss, I would find her very confusing too, and not an easy person to work with.
You certainly have entered another phase with your mum, with the diagnosis and statement of incapacity. I know the steps down with a decline are hard, and you have to grieve the losses as you go along, So glad that your sis and you are finding a place that you think will suit your mum. I am sure keeping her dog will be a great comfort to her in this big transition. There is a lot of work ahead before you get her safely settled in, but it is happening. Hope you have a great day!!!
hugs and an Irish blessing to everyone -
"May you alway walk in sunshine.
May you never want for more.
"May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.

When I went in to work today S, my boss, came up to me and gave me a big hug saying, "Thank you so much for coming in yesterday. I was so stressed with inventory and concerned about St having to close everything by herself. I felt that this is what you get for not coming in Thursday." I just laughed saying, "I could tell you were stressed by your message, and I knew you were getting back at me because I couldn't come in Thursday." She said, "I really appreciate you coming in even though you didn't call me back." I said, "I didn't get the message until 11:30 when I got back from taking care of things for my mom."

I am beginning to see a pattern with her. She is moody, says she doesn't hold grudges but yet, will use her authority to get back at you for something. Today she was on cloud nine, very upbeat, joking, telling us about her grandchildren. I am exhausted because I had to work with two rookies to our store who have more seniority than me, but I had to help both of them so they could finish on time. The one girl who has been subbing from another store this week, I had her stay 30 minutes longer than scheduled because I was so far behind with all the customer service and extra work I was doing to help them. Plus I had to leave at 3:45 to go to another sister store (total of 25 minutes) to pick up bakery labels we were out of for the bakery scale. Another plus, my lower left back is hurting because of climbing up and down a chair at mom's yesterday to get the valance on her vertical blinds secured. I would not want to be a manager, I dislike telling co-workers what to do. V, the co-worker I traded days with, has more seniority than I do so she knows the rules to overtime but yet she stayed on overtime, and I told her if you are on overtime, I cannot authorize it, it has to come from a manager. She said, well I am on overtime! I said then you need to go now!!

Joan~I don't know what to make of my boss, that is why I would not leave without a manager approving it. I am really confused with her. Her message is, "I know you and V switched days but you still have work your scheduled day, be here at 1pm." Because I am a worrier, I am still concerned I will get in trouble even though everyone in the deli said they did not need me. Next week one of our girls who has been out on maternity leave comes back so my hours are cut with wed-fri off. I am fine with that as it works better for me with mom. I am sorry you are still having the lingering sinus infection, glad your trip was good. Take care and get better soon.Hugs to you!!

The neurologist started mom on Namenda. He told her she has Alzheimer's but she didn't understand. Yes it is a relief to get to this point so we can get the legal stuff done and make decisions for mom for her protection and well being, but it still tears me up hearing it. Being a controlling woman, she was always on top of everything. The dr. did not tell mom she was incapacitated, he said we are incapacitated. The problem with Namenda is that I am going to have to give it to her twice a day after the first week. Working that into my schedule so she gets every 12 hours is going to be tough.

Sis and I toured another community today. I really like the two people we talked with, one is the sales rep who gives the tour and the other is the director. It is a really nice community. However, sis and I still like the first place we went to because the rooms are private where this one, mom would have to share with someone. We don't like that because 1) mom is very private, 2) it takes away from the idea that she is independent (even though she isn't). There is one other community here in town we need to tour, but I think we will go with the first because she can have her dog as long as she can take care of it and that will make the transition easier.

Yesterday when hubby and I were putting up head rail to mom's vertical blinds, mom was within sight of me, but I heard her say, "Where's Sharyn?" "She must be at work." I said mom, I'm right here." She said, "Oh, I guess you are." She went off into her own little world at that moment.

Margeaux~I am sending out good vibes that your sister will continue to share with you. I know how hard it is when you care about your mother's well being and want to know what is going on. Hugs to you!!

This last year has been rough and I would not have got through it without all of you helping me. I have been blessed with so many helping me here on this site, and co-workers of my mom. Lots of Love and Hugs to you!!

Book~The co-worker that traded with me is at work right now. I went in and everyone looked at me and said "why are you here too?" I told them about the message S left me and they said we don't need both of you. So I went to a manager and told him what happened so he said for me to go home. S wrote on the schedule that V was sick today but she is at work. S went home early cause she came in around 2am to do inventory. I am glad I didn't get the message until 11:30am otherwise it would have messed things up with mom's appt. I decided when I went to work that I was not going to give S the satisfaction of seeing me upset or angry so I was very upbeat and happy, but she wasn't there. I guess an oversight on her part thinking V was sick?? Oh well!

((((sharon)))) - well, now you have it from the expert. Your mum is incapacitated and has Alz. I am glad for your and her sake you do not have to put her through more tests. It must be a relief in some ways to be able to get on with the legal work, and eventally get her placed where she will be safe.
Sorry about the power trip your boss is on. Does that mean you and the cowirker you switched with will both go in? That does seem unnecessary. I sure understand you being pissed off. However, I expect that is your boss's agenda - to get you pissed off. Be careful to look after your butt when you are in there. She may be setting you up. I am so glad I am retired and don't have to play those games any more.
Margeaux I am glad your sister ?as been sharing more.
book - how's your health?
I am so far behind on here - welcome to the new people.

We had a good trip to BC, but on return the sinus infection flared up again and I am still affected - runny eyes, stuffy nose etc. Trying some meds for the fibromyalgia which may not be helping my sinuses. No news from mother. I think I will contact the ALF director to see if I still am her contact person, or, if not, who is. Had a chat with my daughter today - nothing much is changed there. If I say the weather is bad, she says it isn't, even though we have weather warnings of heavy snow and strong winds blasting the prairies. Oh well.
(((((((hugs))))))) to all Joan

Sharyn,using kindle so can't comment as much as I would... your boss is flexing her power. If you have already made arrangements for a switch, then there's really no need for you to come in. Did you reconfirm with boss when you made this arrangement? If not, perhaps next time,, you should. This way,you're still giving her power but at your benefit. Now she's flexing her muscle and ruining your plan.

Well, the neurologist said mom is incapacitated and has Alzheimer's. Now we start the legal process.

I was off yesterday, had a dr. appt. and got blood work done, picked up the blinds and installed those for mom. Took all afternoon. In the morning, work called wanting me to come in. I said no, I have dr. appt.,ect. I was suppose to be off on Wednesday, but a co-worker wanted to trade so she could have Wednesday off and I would have Friday (today). I just got home and there is a message on my phone from my bakery/deli boss telling me, I know you traded days off with V but you still have to come in and work today as scheduled. I am pissed!!!