The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie,

Yes, I hope my sis is loosening up with the communication about mother.
My sister is very secretive by nature, it's part of her astrology too. Ay yay yay!!

Thanks for the explanation about the TSP. Funny, because I just had a conversation with some people last night about wallpaper. I wallpapered at my parent's home many years ago. I couldn't even imagine doing this now.

Oh, about the smoking, don't worry, I'm not one to judge people about this.
Actually it really makes me annoyed when others do this. I think if people would look out after their own habits, they'd rethink being so judgmental.
Hope all is well with you and your family Sharynmarie, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Tinoose,

The story you've told about your brother and the mess you had to deal with about paying your father's mortgage, and other expenses is pretty much the story in our family also.

I'm the eldest of four siblings. I have a sister and two brothers. My parents raised the elder of the brothers to be their "golden boy." He was named POA of our mom's Living Trust at the time of dad's death. Then mom had a sister (older than she) who was very included in our llves on account of an unhealthy relationship she and mother maintained all of their lives. Our aunt never had kids, and mom had her thinking that she was some kind of second mother to us. This in and of itself was a travesty, since she was a horrible narcissist. Anyway, her financial assets were also intermingled with mothers. My brother was POA of all of this.
Boy, did he ever try to wield his power about all of this through this appointment.
But he wasn't capable, nor responsible enough to take care of business.

When it came time to implement some of mother's and her sister's assets to hire caregivers, he did none of this. It wasn't until a 5 month stay at his home after both these two elders health issues became more serious and landed in the hospital that their releasing doctor's pressured my brother he either get some caregivers, or move them in with him. He being named MPOA, had to comply.

During that five month stint, mom and our aunt were quite neglected. My sister would go to pick them up sometimes on weekends, and bring them back to mother's home, (where they'd been living), and stay with them for the weekend.
I saw them during this time too, and my sister and I were very annoyed at how unclean they both looked. Mind you, that these two women have always taken lots of pride in their appearance. Mom has ALZ, and already had it then. So the sister, who was having heart issues, but still could fend in other ways, did.
Our aunt complained to my sister that they were not being fed properly. My brother put them in a den, where his four grown kids (all over ages 20), would go through to get to their bedrooms. So it was like mother and our aunt were living in grand central station. Oh, and our brother was quite angry during these 5 mos., about this arrangement. But my question to my sister at that time was,
"Why in China wouldn't he hire some caregivers?" Mother and our aunt had the resources for this. Anyway, he's always been this way. They pumped him up so much as a kid, but truth be told.....great disparity between the reality of it all.

Our aunt finally got fed up, and told my sister they wanted to go back to mom's home. This also meant, that our aunt who at the time was in charge of everything, revoked my brother's POA's, and reassigned them to my sister and youngest brother. I don't figure into this picture, but this is all an entire story unto itself.

After the reassignment, my sister moved into mother's home and got the ball rolling with paid caregivers. She works a full time job. But she and our other brother came to discover that "golden boy," hadn't paid taxes for several years, and had been charged penalties. He also went to a crooked attorney, who in the end was charging all kinds of fees, but not doing anything. In essence, my sister discovered lots of things undone, badly done. My aunt and mom own some apartments, which were in complete disrepair. There were four apts., that according to another tenant on that property had been vacant for over 6 mos.
But you see, while "golden boy," was supposedly in charge, the rest of us didn't know any of this. He kept it a big secret, about any and all dealings concerning the assets.

Of course, he estranged himself when all of this happened. His inflated ego was popped. Oh, and if you can imagine, he was angry of course w/my aunt. But he was also angry with the rest of us.

Believe me, this didn't feel good for the rest of the siblings. We've been raised to believe that one love your siblings no matter what. But, we'd had enough with our brother by now.

I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you did. Sure, it may feel uncomfortable for a time, but it sends the message to these people, no less a family member that you have boundaries. IMO, I can't think of even wanting to att end any of my family's kids birthdays, graduations, etc. if I have huge issues with them. I had a tough time even going to be with some of them this last Christmas for some of these reasons. Yes, and I agree there are the cultural attitudes that are at play. But, if I were bound by culture, I would have succumbed to the pressure from my mother that I have kids at a very young age, just so she could be a grandmother! This kind of thinking makes no sense to me.
It is too limiting. I really identified with your situation. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

As I read ur words about it being a cultural thing, sounded as if I was the one talking. Girls do the housework, cooking, taking care of them..but the house and land goes to the boys who lived in the states for over 15yrs. I'm suppose to find a husband to provide for me. Oh well...that's life.

OH, I was where you are for years before I finally said "enough." My brother used to threaten to not let me see his daughter, and now that she's older (11) and a brat (hate to say it! she's a lot like him-- sarcastic, mean, and kind of just a typical pre-teen kid, I guess), it's a little easier not to be bugged by his threats. Now, my being done with my siblings doesn't mean that I won't feel bad for them if something horrible happened to them, like a fire or some personal tragedy. But it does mean that I'm not able to be a source of support or comfort for them, family or not. Maybe it's not healthy, but that's just where I am at this point in my journey...

Sigh... the guardianship thing you described. That's what I did with my brother (my sister was already clearly out of the picture)-- he wanted me to do BOTH the guardianship/conservatorship and the probate stuff, and promised that he'd "help" me. But I knew him well enough to know that he never would because he didn't want to do any of it at all. He kept telling me that it would be "easier" if I did both because I was there and he wasn't. But I wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily and wouldn't budge. So we ended up divvying up the responsibilitird and the lawyers came up with the arrangement of him handling conservatorship and me handling the probate of my dad's estate, and both of us sharing guardianship responsibilities. Actually, that was also greatly influenced by my mother's wishes. When we petitioned the courts for conservatorship/guardianship, the court sent a guardian-ad-litem to represent my mom and to, as much as possible, find out what SHE wanted, etc. She made it very clear that she did not want me to handle any of her affairs, that it was "none of her business" and that she wanted my brother to take care of everything and that she trusted him. It's a cultural thing-- the sons takes care of business, the daughters needed to stay out of all of it. I regret to this day doing that, because my brother SUCKS at these things, and it was clear by the way he lives his own life-- late payments, bounced checks, etc. Every single year since he was appointed, he has been MONTHS late with the conservatorship's report and the guardianship reports, delinquent in paying bills (including the assisted living bill-- mom was actually about to get evicted at one point!), etc. He has problems doing simple things like getting a signature notarized (it takes him weeks and so everyone is waiting on him-- I didn't get my appointment as family rep (for probate) for months because it took him that long to sign the documents for filing), keeping track of bank statements and other records, etc. He is a HUGE procrasinator. He procrasinates so long that often he completely forgets that he was supposed to do something in the first place and it takes several reminders before he finally has "the time" to deal with these things.

When we signed on as clients with the law firm that helped us get these things done, the plan was that they'd help us with the 1st annual reports so we could see how it was supposed to be done, and then we'd handle the rest in order to cut down on legal fees. But my brother can't manage it, so he's spent thousands and thousands of my mom's money on attorney fees for them to do paperwork and email him reminders and this and that, over and over again, only to not do what they instruct. For example, he moved our mom into a private-pay assisted living facility becasue it was a last minute move (he was threatened with adult protective services) and there weren't a lot of choices last minute, as we all know. Well, the attorneys told him then, over 2 years ago, that our mother did not have the resources to stay there, so he needed to immediately start looking for and then move mom into a facility that accepted Medicaid so that he could spend down her assets there. When she was out of funds and got on Medicaid, he wouldn't have to move her again. And he'd have worked and created some goodwill with the home so that in the months that it takes to get Medicaid approved, they would let her stay on with the anticipation of getting paid later. But he didn't listen. Spent down everything she had a private-pay place. And then everything just went to hell and mom is the one who suffered. So, what was supposed to only cost an estimated $2-5K in attorney fees has, to date, ballooned into over $20K and it appears that he will continue to use them to help with the annual reports that he needs to file.

I'm a librarian. I'm a lot more organized. In fact, when my dad died, I got a lot of things done, lists created, and some of the paperwork filed. The things my brother was supposed to take over didn't get done, so a year or more later, the attorneys are charing him $175-350 an hour (depeding on whether or not the main attorney does the work or the paralegal does the work) to refile everything. On my brother's procrasinator's timeschedule.....

I dunno. I think while I would have been very resentful and a lot more bitter than I am now, I should have just done it all in the first place. But you know, even my dad expected my brother to take care of things. He just wanted me and my sister to move back home to take care of my mom, and that my brother would do the "man's" work. I mean, I get it-- the desire to stay home and the expectation--right or wrong--for your children to take care of you until you die, but geez....

Anyway, not saying that that's how it will play out with you and your siblings, and I definitely understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling, so absolutely no judgement here. Just, hang in there and know that your parents are so blessed to have at least ONE of their children *actively* concerned about their welfare.

Tinoose, sometimes, I wish I could turn my back on all of them. Just the way you have said all these things they did and did Not do, I want to blow and tell off my siblings. I want to tell them that I'm done and it's over. I may have accepted unwillingly that they have a right not to help, but...last year, I was just sooo angry with all of them...It was night, and I wished with my whole heart and soul..really hard over and over that what goes around comes around to ALL of them. Then the fires occured in Colorado near my 2 sisters home. I felt bad. I went and unwish it but it wasn't as heartfelt as the original wish. Family is trying to push me to have Guardianship over the parents. I refuse. As long as nobody has legal guardian (specifically me), then I can walk out any time. I will tell brother who lives just next door (on a couple of yards from us) to take over, I'm leaving. I wish...I could be like you and disown them. But, I need to keep neutral because they will be the one to watch (or their kids) when I travel this year. It just sucks that I rarely go out with friends, family to outings. My niece had a bday party for her 1 yr old at a restaurant. I'm like a 2nd mama to her. None of my family of next door volunteered to babysit parents for her party ... because younger sis invited them before securing a babysitter. Oldest sis was going. I commented that I couldn't go cuz no babysitter. When she offerred, I tried to turn it down. Then I cried. THAT was another resentment towards my family-of-next-door. ...Too early to talk about them..making me depress... HUGS to you Tinoose! Thanks for letting me know that at least YOU were able to detach from them!

Bookworm-- I battle with that, too. The whole "they have a right to choose how to live their own lives even if it means not helping with mom and me," thing. But one of the consequences of their choices is that they no longer have a relationship with me because I don't want them in my life. They've hurt me so badly and often. My brother has screwed me financially (when our dad died, I paid his late mortgages, homeowner's insurance, paid to have the water and electricity turned back on, etc to avoid having my mom thrown out on the street. When he got conservatorship of mom and I started probate on my dad's estate (funny calling it that as he had very little to nothing, but it was something we had to do since he died without a will and mom needed his money in his accounts), he was instructed to reimburse me and he refused to do so for months. My brother also screwed me legally-- we were co-guardians, and he kept not doing his end (i.e. conservator's report, paying the conservatorship portion of the legal bills) until *I* recieved a warning from the courts that I was in contempt and would be arrested/fined and *I* recieved noticed from the lawyers that I would be sued unless the bills were paid. Nevermind that the probate bills (same legal team) was paid in FULL. My brother failed to make a single payment in over a fricking YEAR! He was "out of reach," living in Texas, so it was ME everyone was going to go after. The only way to legally protect myself was to resign as co-guardian. At least my siblings know better than to come ask me for anything, especially money. I'm sorry yours haven't figured that out yet. I made it VERY clear to both of them that I was no longer available to either one of them for anything. I don't speak to them unless it concerns my mother, I don't "hang out" with them on the holidays when they try to get together with me unless it coincides with a visit with my mom, etc.

My sister, who lives in the same city as me and mom, refused to help out in any way whatsoever because it was "too stressful" for her. She wouldn't even VISIT so I could just take a break. She is very manipulative and self-centered, AND she's got her own mental problems (but seems to use it at her convenience to get out of things). Both siblings have always been this way, but this time I just simply decided enough was enough and the only change that could be made was me walking away. I miss them sometimes, but I realize that what I miss is who they USED to be when we were younger, but not who they are today. If they weren't family, I would have not given a second thought to writing them off. I don't let people treat me like that, so I thought it was odd that I was allowing my own family to treat me like that. So, some growing up on my part...

Ugh, I don't even like talking about them anymore. I'm just DONE.

Tinoose, I know it seems difficult to accept, but I had to force myself to accept it: "My siblings have a Right to live their own lives. They have a Right Not to Help me with the Parents...." It just sucks big time. If you click on my name, you will read my profile.

I found this site at a time when I became very seriously suicidal. I had assumed that now that I am caregiving 2 bedridden parents, that my siblings would step in to help. NOT!!! This was the advice given to me. I fought against it. I mean, oldest bro was Given the land next door. He built his house on one end, and a 2 story 4home apartment. He, his wife, 3 grown children with Their spouses - all live next door. And they don't help at all. By the time I found this site, I was sooo angry and bitter and resentful. I only did 1 yr of caregiving both bedridden parents when I realized that this can go on for another 15years! I wanted out. Family told me that I cannot just pack up and leave. I would be arrested for elderly abuse. So, what was left? I will kill myself. If that was the only way out of this prison, I will do it. But there was a part of me who didn't want to die, the part of me who withstood all that I faced as a childhood (but prayed to God on why He made me born.)

I know what you're going thru. They have the nerve to come to me and complain about their lives, and ask ME for money. They both work for the govt and make soooo much more money than me. Just recently, they asked me if I can buy their $2600some ticket so brother can travel with SIL in April!!! The nerve...except I can't completely disinherit them from my life.

Have to go...time to start my morning.
Margeaux - glad that your sister shared with you about your mom and the doctor's visit.

Margeaux~I hope your sister is loosening up on sharing info with you. I like your mother's response, "Are you trying to make a liar out of me!" My mom complains she is bored, no one to talk to, etc., yet when her co-workers or people from church ask her to go to lunch or to church, she tells them she is very busy and doesn't have the time. Keep communications open with your sis as much as you can with boundaries and maybe she will open up more. It is important for siblings to keep other siblings in the loop especially when you/they want to know what is going on with their parent.

TSP is a chemical powder to mix with water. We always used it especially in the kitchen to wash the walls before painting. It removes any grease residue and glue from wallpaper. It is very strong and can harm your skin so you need to wear gloves when using it. It works great on the walls, I haven't used it many years though. I was very surprised my mom had this. She must have gotten it out of the shed.

Exercise is something I have a hard time fitting in because of my work schedule, though I would go out hiking around taking pics before mom got so bad. Thursday I have appt. for a bio-metric evaluation required by our new union contract for insurance. It measures cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure and nicotine. Don't hate me because I smoke, but I am concerned they may reject me based on that. I know I have to quit, but I hate being forced to, I would rather do it on my own terms so who knows what will come of this. Gotta go check on mom. Have a good day and hugs to you!!

Susan~I agree that in a dysfunctional family there is usually one who has to control the family and that one is usually the most dysfunctional. In my family, it was my mother who has a personality disorder that is now being overshadowed by dementia. I can't help but wonder if the personality disorder has caused or helped the dementia to progress faster due to her natural distrust, fears and anxiety.

Good Morning Sharynmarie,

Yes, the calcium and magnesium are very important for the bones.
Let's not forget exercise also. It's the resistance motion that the bones seem to like, and keep them from becoming in a weakened condition.

I am so happy for you that your sister became concerned enough to get this appointment, given that this doctor wasn't going to see your mother until April, and the motivation was that your mom's safety is on the line. What is TSP used for?

I spoke with my sister on the weekend. She took mom for a check up the other day. She claims that the doctor, who is a woman, is very nice. She asked mother, what she does to keep busy. My mother responded that she does the dishes, sweeps and mops the floors. Well, the truth is, mom can't do any of this any more. So my sister says, she couldn't help but chuckle a bit. My mother noticed my sister chuckling, and said, "Are you trying to make a liar out of me?" So we had a good laugh about this comment. It's funny on the face of it, and it is SO, our mother. She's always been quite frank, and funny. My sister says that the doctor stayed focused, but also found mom's remark amusing. The doctor also told my sister that mom, given her age is in good shape. Anyway, I was happy that my sister shared this w/me. Maybe our sister's are seeing the light?
Hope so!1 Much Love & here's to Light! Margeaux

I no longer speak or engage with my older brother and sister (I'm the youngest) because they have completely abandoned me and my mom when our father died. They said that their priorities was their own family (brother) and themselves (sister) and they couldn't help with ANYTHING. They don't even ask how my mom is doing, never mind how I am doing whenever they bother to email or call. It's all about them and their lives and what's going on with them. I could care less....

Since this thread has so many facets, I want to be clear for the reason for my two recent posts -- I am addressing the mental illness aspect of dysfunctional families. Often there is one main controlling person in the family that needs help but doesn't obtain it, but this one person can adversely affect the entire family, especially the development of young children. I have seen it first hand and eventually I had to deal with all seven people in my life who were the primary mentally ill persons or those who suffered because they were in a family with them and severly affected by that. A change in how mental illness is served by the medical community is long overdue. From this hearing, I can see that all of the aspects of improving this are well-known. The framework is there in the Afordable Care Act. Now, lets see how these recommendations are implemented.

CORRECTION to my last post: The title of the subcommittee meeting was "Mental Illness and Violence,"

Bonnie,

I'm kind of curious. How is it that you found out what hospital your friend is staying in? If you've written that her husband is very private about this matter, this is understandable. I realize you care, however I don't think a hospital is going to release this kind of information to you, for obvious legal reasons. Again, it's good to care for our friends, but it is a rather sticky situation when the friend is in denial, possibly the husband may be too. But have you thought of the fact that maybe they're trying to deal with this issue and just want some privacy?
Margeaux

I am new to this thread, but wanted to report a Congressional Subcommittee on Violence and Gun Control that was called by a Member of the House who is a psychologist. I am an avid C-Span watcher (my daughter calls it Real Reality TV), and the session brought together three parents of mentally-ill children and at least ten top Mental Health experts. The Gun Control vs. Mental Health issue was the instigation of the meeting but this meeting was decades in coming and finally here. It was far more wide-ranging in its scope - much more about the gaps and pitfals in obtaining help for diagnosis and treatment, legal obstacles to keeping severely ill patients on their meds, the state of current brain research, and the need to look at mental health as we do other health conditions, including the call for screening by family physicans during the annual checkups. I have been waiting for this day. If you can, try to obtain the report or view the video. The meeting was televised on the 3/9/13 weekend, probably held the previous Friday.

Update: The neurologist called sis today leaving a message. She called back and he wants us to come in to go over everything. Sis called back and the receptionist was going to schedule the appt. for late April, but sis told her that mom's safety is an issue and her not eating regularly, so she scheduled it for 7:45am this Friday. If he has nothing conclusive to offer us, I am going to ask for an evaluation by a neruo-psychologist who can test her memory and cognitive abilities. I really don't think it will go that far but one does not know for sure with the laws we have that make it harder to diagnose incapacity. I don't know if I told you all, but the other day when I went to her house, she had TSP (trisodiumphosphate) in the fridge and an unidentified plastic bag of a flour type substance. Mom claimed she does not know how or who put it there. It is amazing that she always go back to someone else doing it. That part of her personality disorder regarding herself never doing anything wrong still hangs on, Lol!! My mom had coins that she got somewhere along the line and I remember taking her to Stockton to a pawn to sell many of them I know she was collecting all the new quarters of all the states minted in Philadelphia and Denver. I do not know what coins she actually has left, but she says someone took them all. I personally have no interest in coin collecting. I am more interested in things that she has that have family value such as a clock she promised to give me that is from her family. I love to collect paper certificates such as marriage licenses, birth certificates, that are family related. In other words, my interest in possessions my mother has, is in family related information. I will close with saying Hugs to all and I hope the week brings opportunities for You time, rest and some good moments that can be cherished!!

Austin~I told the night manager I muttered under my breath "it must be nice" so I really thought I would be reprimanded, even written up or given days off without pay. Saturday the store manager had every opportunity to talk with me and he didn't. I hope this is the end of it.

Sharry-I am glad that worked out good-I would not want to be working in a store and have to keep under control. What happen to me while working this lady started screeming at another nurse and me something about the pt.s food tray and got ballistic and we both may have said bitch under our breathe and she heard and went off on us again-we talked to our manager and I told her in all honesty I do not know which one of us said it because of the crazy way sne was acting-and nothing came of it-and I am so glad your fellow workers stood up for you. Cmag I had to go through that also for disability-they said it could be done yearly and I had all the paperwork from when applying and just told them nothing had changed-not sure if the docs had to submit anything-and it never came up again.

Momlife~It sounds like your plate is very full. Can you check any programs that you may qualify for or help with a job search in your area? Hang in there and take care of you!

Dabs~How did it go with your brother and dr. appt? I hope he was able to see what you have been telling him about mom. Keep us posted!!

Bonnie~I am sorry your friend is in the hospital. Can you call her room or will she not talk with you? It must be frustrating.
Good news that your health is super! I laughed at Senior's Trick or Treat! I haven't had a bone density test done, still taking prempro so I assume I am protected, but I should take calcium too.
I hope you hear something from your friend soon. Take care!!

Well, my friend L.in Maryland with the throwing up (dementia, stomach flu or alcohol?) problem is now in the hospital. No one called me but I had a feeling so I called the hospital to find out if she was there. Yup. Now, how do I find out what she is being treated for? My guess would be the treatment floor she is on would give a hint...I know she is in room 44XX at Suburban Hospital in Bethesda, MD. Any suggestions? Dear me, I am so worried about her! Ykes.
Oh, there was a Senior Wellness fair near by on Saturday. Wow, amazing vendors and medical tests being done for free...I had the following: bone density, blood pressure, cholesteral, sugar (diabetes), stroke assessment, and I'm great in all areas except for my bone density. Ykes, I'm a -2.6 so that put me in the High category for breaking bones! But other than that, I'm in super health! Had a great time and left with a bundle of free stuff. Made me think it was a Senior's Trick or Treat! :). Thanks in advance. BonnieW

Alabama~I am glad to hear things are working in your behalf being able to visit mom!!

Oh my dysfunctional family....they drive me nuts. The courts finally took the guardianship away from my evil sibling and gave it to an agency. Now evil sibling is telling our mother that the agency will cost so much money (and I get to VISIT too!) and this evil sibling is confusing my mother. If only my mother knew how much it cost when evil sibling had her declared incompetent! It comes out of mother's money. So disgusting. For those of you who have evil control freaks in your family, who rip you away from your parent, hang in there. The truth comes through. It takes time.

Mythree – my father has told me that too. Actually his exact words are: “That’s why we have children – to take care of us in our old age.” And then he proceeds to Try to enforce his authority over me. He expects me to jump at his every whim. Ha! So we always butt heads.

Yankeuren – It’s too bad that siblings who make much more than us – refuse to help us. You should hope really hard – what goes around comes around. Wouldn’t it be great that instead of him dying instantly, he will lose his wealth, and see how long these girlfriends last. And then on top of that, be diagnosed with Alz. Let’s see how he handles that without any extra cash for a fancy nursing home. I’d much prefer that our siblings learn what’s it like that WE went through.

Momlife – you have it so hard. As for the kids, my sis just went thru the terrible teenage years with her 2 daughters. I kept telling her not to Trust them. Doesn’t she remember when we were teens? Nope, she said that they have open communications and she trusts them. I told her that they are teens, and will pretend to be with their friends – but instead will be with their boyfriends. She said that they don’t have boyfriends. Needless to say, both girls got pregnant. Yep, they don’t have boyfriends…..I don’t know how to get them motivated. My sis struggled with her 2 teen girls and teen stepson. It was a very difficult time for her and hubby.

Margeaux~Thank you for clarify the situation with your friend. I understand now that she just has a negative temperament. That is hard to deal with but I am glad you are detaching. Those famous words we use so often, detach with love and set boundaries. You are a great friend to her and I hope she can see that, learn to appreciate it. Sometimes when we have been hurt so much in life, we only see the negative, try hard to get others to see it too.

I must admit that what I muttered was justified in the situation. I chuckle to myself as well but try to keep it to myself in case it bites me in the butt. Today was the first day that I worked since the incident happened with the store manager working too. He never said a word to me about it. Interestingly enough, another customer went off on a courtesy clerk today. The poor girl accidentally squished the customers cupcakes when bagging them. The customer said, "You f**king idiot!" the checker told the customer, "We can take it to the bakery for them to fix it." The customer said no!..."Make her F***king pay for it, the F***king idiot!" The young girl was in tears and left to the bathroom for quite sometime. The store manager walked out with the customer and once outside, he told her not to come back. Customers tend to have the attitude we as employees must be PERFECT. When we make a mistake, there is no rational thinking on their part...they only see a discount or getting it free so they make a big scene about it. It is a shame that our society has this attitude, but KUDOS to our store manager for sticking up for his employees and that we do not have to accept abuse from a customer just to make a sale. A few days ago, one of the head clerks asked me where I lived because he sees me drive by his house on such and such streets. I said Oh, I go that way during my lunch break to see my mom. Today when I was driving back from my mom's I saw him. He waved and I stopped and we talked a few minutes. He said I heard about what happened with you and a customer the other night, I said oh yes, she was something else and that the manager did not say a word to me about it. He said the word around the store is she came in with an attitude so he wouldn't say anything in that case. It is great to have the support of my co-workers and management in this case, however, I do need to watch my mouth, Lol...in the future!!

Without rambling on too much longer, I am off tomorrow, Yay!!! This is the first part of a weekend I have had off since we came back from Idaho in October. We are going to go for a drive, take some pics and just enjoy the time together since hubby doesn't have to work either. I told sis she will need to keep in touch with mom during the day and I will be there as usual to give her the medicine.Hugs to you Margeux!!

Welcome to our thread cinderbard!! We hope you come back and share some more. Hugs to you!!

Cmag~From what I understand about disability, this interview is you have to go through is standard procedure. I am sure you have nothing to worry about, but it is frustrating just the same. Keep us posted, we are all thinking and praying for you. Hugs!!

As I thought about this today, my free time for the week, I was thinking that I am doing as well as can be expected. I try not to take things to seriously, because I do know that one day my mom won't be here and I will miss her, but I have had this time with my mom and the rest of the family hasn't and for that I feel sorry for them. I also have a handicap son, one of five children, lost my husband before the last one was born, and life sure knows how to throw some punches at us. All we can do is make the best of what we have been handed, I can only guess that we end up as caregivers due to the fact that we accept responsibility when needed. My dad wanted me to be the one to take care of my mom and he had his reasons, and I just accepted the fact that she is my mother and I love her dearly, even when she drives me crazy....then I have to remember the disease is slowly taking her away from me.

I tend to be rambling, so I hope it has helped someone, it has me. Just to be able to write it down and I will try not to cry over things that I really can't change. We do know that a nursing home is not the place for her, after her stay in the hospital and two weeks there she was worse then before.

hugs to all

During my last visit to my mom's I had an opportunity to talk with my sister.
She began telling about the ongoing tension she feels with our sister in law.
I'd posted about the competition my sister and SIL have about each of their two daughters. First of all both my sister and SIL are difficult people.

During the holidays they had some unkind behaviors by the youngest daughter's thwarted against one another's families. My sister's daughter didn't say, hello to this SIL, my brother (her uncle) and the two daughters when they arrived at my sister's place. Then my brother's and SIL's youngest girl dissed my other niece's 1 yr. old baby boy. He tried giving that girl a toy of his, and she just stared at him,
choosing not to react. All these nieces are 18 yrs. and older.

So my sister was telling me that in addition to all of this, that our SIL gave my sister's youngest daughter a $25.00 gift certificate for a hamburger food chain for Christmas.
I just found this out last week. My sister's daughter is obese. So my sister and the daughter of course took offense to this gesture by my SIL. My SIL, and one of her own daughter's is obese also. Anyway, I thought this very weird behavior on my SIL's part. But, I must also say, that my sister's daughter has been targeted before, and I realize it is unkind for others to either poke fun, or point out a weight issue to anyone. But I'm always wondering why it is my sister doesn't address the issue of the weight thing too. I say this, because my niece's dad's side of the family has a lot of diabetes. Anyway, it's very hard for me to bring up this issue with my sister. I hear that they would be offended, but I think they should focus on the weight issue.

One of the reasons that my sister was talking about my SIL, is t he fact that our brother unfortunately lost his job of 29 yrs as a rep for one of the most popular beverage companies in the US. We were all quite sad for my brother, as we as most people think when one has this kind of a job, thought he'd be retiring from this company. Over 3,300 employees were let go. We worried morally, and of course financially what it could do to my brother. Well, he seems to be maintaining a positive outlook, no matter what. I sure hope so.
No matter what, I always wish the best for my brother, SIL and my neices.
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I forgot to comment about what you said about my neighbor and she resenting other people in relationships. I don't know whether that is the case with her. She was in a very abusive relationship with her last husband, many years ago. It was at a time unfortunately when woman didn't know, or have resources to complain about it. I know some of this attitude may come from this experience.

She just turned 76, the other day. Some of her other friends, who I've met, are either in relationships or have just lost their husbands. There's one friend who as I said just lost her husband less than 2 years ago. When she speaks of this situation, my neighbor has the, "Get over it attitude." I had to explain to her, that it's not quite that simple to do; the grieving. I so don't like it when people talk this way about others. Plus, she really scoffs at this friends caregiver role with her husband.

In the time that I've become friends with her, (8 years), she's never dated, or mentioned being in situations where she could possibly meet any men. In this regard, it's basically always negative talk. She also has a friend who is 82, who is quite amazing. She has a boyfriend, and seems to be very interested in keeping this part of her life alive. When she's made negative remarks about that, I've responded with, "I think it is great that she feels motivated still at her age, to have this interest." So you see, she's negative! I'd heard some of this talk before.
But when she decided to comment on me and my husband, well I just thought this a bit much!

I did go over on Thursday, to wish her a Happy Birthday. I've been quite busy this week and hadn't gone to get her a gift. I'll do that today. I must admit, that I was still with some residual energy, from that day she annoyed me, especially given the fact I'd taken her to 3 doctor's appts., and made food for her several times since she was not supposed to stand on those legs she'd had the procedures done to.
My goodness, could it occur to the pea brain, that whatever she's thinking about the fact that I do make dinner for my husband, that some of we who care about people, isn't to be mocked. How lucky are they, who benefit from this, too!

The day I was wishing her a Happy Birthday, she had a friend there. They were drinking a non-alcoholic drink. But she sat there and tried to criticize the other friend who also took her to an appointment, claiming she couldn't find her car in the parking lot, etc. I politely said that the parking lot in the medical bldg.is confusing, with lack of clear signs where not to park. Anyway, I think this a clear case, of she not having any support from her own family. Then she decides to dump on the people who help her out. There's lack of appreciation going on here. So my game is changing a bit with her. I do still like her and all of that, but I'm creating a bit of distance. The emotional detachment. Boy, hadn't said that in a long time.


Wow, your story about this customer. What a horrible customer that one is!
It made me laugh, what you muttered! HAAH! Under those circumstances I may have muttered the same thing, Sharynmarie. I know maybe this isn't the best thing to say to you! But you know I'm being biased here! Well, I'd have to think that under these circumstances your management would have to be absolutely crazy to think in any way that it was your fault. Try not to worry too much about it, especially if your co-workers are sticking up for you. No, and I've worked customer service, "The customer is not always right!" Do they have one of those, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone signs up?" O.K. going for my second cup of Joe! Your post did make me laugh, visualizing the whole scene.
Margeaux