Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Sharyn, Austin said it better than what I was trying to say. You definitely don't want to keep saying no when the boss text/call you. But you also don't want to Always available...hence the subterfuge of being at mom's and then you can tell your boss that you can't come in because .... If it didn't go against my conscience and if I was a good liar (nieces tell me that I'm a terrible liar), I would just lie may way through like all my fellow coworkers...
Hi Imm897! I smiled when you said that we tend to fall back to our childhood ways of reacting to each other. I don't think we ever outgrew that. At least, so far, my siblings have absolutely no desire to help out with the parents. I have used the words "what goes around comes around" as a mantra for years now. But we're not as bad as situation as what I've read here. Oh my, some siblings go after what they want thru the court, etc....
It sounds as if you have had more than some challenges going on with your own family, with regards to the care of your parents and your siblings absence. In our case w/our mother, we just up to a year ago which was until her narcissistic sister died, couldn't focus entirely upon mother, as her sister was living there. She had so many ailments, and towards the end could hardly walk.
My sister works a full-time job, so several years ago when both mom's and our aunt's medical conditions escalated, she had to hire outside help. We have two brothers, (but they never get their hands dirty) in any of the care. I, who do not have any of the legal powers, especially MPOA, and I live far from mother's, in a metropolitan city. Anyway, it does take some planning on my part for a variety of reasons, when I am able to visit. I also work.
I credit my sister with the great job she has done with both the administration of the caregiving, and the caregiving itself, picking up the slack when CG's aren't there. We do have fair communication in terms of what she tells me about our mom. But I am dealing with a controller here also.. When I've wanted to know about some of the medications in the past that mom is taking, I have been up against plenty of resistance. I wanted to know this of course, because my sister would tell me of all the sleeping mom has been doing, etc. Anyway, when she was telling me of mother mixing her up with a friend, well, o,k., I understand all of we the family becoming concerned, and wondering about the change in mom. But....you don't know how many times I have suggested, forwarded some websites so that she could educate herself about the stages of ALZ. Some of this is big ego on my sisters part also; she in her mind always knows better than thou," etc. If you have read some older posts of mine, you may see, that my sister runs on high emotion and lots of drama. So I do have my own methods of circumventing some of this behavior, so we don't get stuck in that. I try my best to look at our situation, with an attitude, of hopefully knowing what may come and be somewhat prepared for the changes. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
As to the situation with your sis. Boy do I get it!!!! I have the brother out of town that thinks he should control everything since we both have POA. I'm actually the primary, but he's a selfish, pig headed pain in my rear. He's clueless about what goes on day to day with mom, and thinks I'm lying to him when I tell him things. He calls her maybe once every week or two, and she tells him she's great and that there's nothing wrong with her. He's coming to visit on the 7th of March, and I'm dreading it. He's going to her neuro appt. with us. Should be very interesting. The doc has suggested AL several times, but little brother can't "wrap his head around it". All he cares about is the money. Even mom's CG understands that she is at the point where she needs continuous supervision, and being in an environment where there's more people than just her, or my husband and I. It's too expensive to bring in more help for the evenings and weekends, and mom doesn't think she needs the care giver she has, let alone bringing someone else into the picture. We'll see what happens......
Sorry I gave you a headache Book, Lol!! Stream tongs and all...at least we got a good laugh, it sure helped relieve some of my stress!!
tired now so I will post more tomorrow
Toonnie is reaching out to hold hands again -what a cat!!!
nite all Joan
Does the company really need you because they are short of staff? Can they still work productively with one person short? If her message is not a subtle request but truly asking if you want to come in, then just text back that you're currently unable to come in.
I have been gently encouraging mom to allow a few more trusted people into this part of her journey. I have mentioned that because she wants someone here 24/7, I could really use an hour or two to myself now and then.
Today she finally allowed a co worker she likes quite a lot to come for lunch. Just before the woman came, my mom asked me not to leave because she didnt want her friend to feel obligated to stay with her
uhg
The visit itself was big progress, so I will wait and see what comes next.
Margeaux - I remember when mom's personality started changing. I was in my 20's and had decided in college age to get to know my mom. She was a housewife but she did not coddle, encourage, hug, etc with us. Most of the times, she sent us kids outside to the yard or the bedroom.which we would spend hours there. I decided at age 19 or 20, that I wanted to get to know mom. I even persuaded her to go walk with me to the Vietnamese restaurant. OMG. I saw her in action - she didn't like this or that. When I contradicted her (it's Not salty, mom), she would get so angry - I can see it in her eyes. Scared me. This was the look that she reserved for father when she attacks him with the knife. That was the last time I ever took her out. I saw the side of her that terrified me. I remember telling siblings that she's changing, that something is wrong, etc...No one believed me..except father. But, I just wanted to say that with my mom, I mourned as she changed. Not so with father. I can see where your sister is affected by each and every change. Sis is there with your mom constantly - like I was with my mom. Sis telling you the changes she sees - was like me telling my siblings. I remember being so frustrated that no one was taking me seriously. I Am NOT saying that you are doing this. My family did...and Still Are Not Helping despite 20 Years later...I know you mention lots of things here, but sometimes, something just stands out - and I focus on it only. I Am Not in any way implying anything. Just saying that reading about your sis describing your mom, reminded me too with my situation back then.
Emjo, I have read over and over on this site what happens when you take a person with dementia to places OTHER than home. They definitely do not like New things or New faces or Confusing loud Noises (like a party, or family get togethers) I don't have time to search for it here on AC, but over and over it is not good...especially if he becomes very agitated in the evenings. She will have her hands full, and he might just walk out without her knowing and then they will be looking for him in a strange place. We were very fortunate with mom that all the times she walked out in the late evenings, we found her. There was one man who had Alz - he walked out in the evening with his dog - and never came back or found. The family lived near the road and also in the boonie area.
Sharyn, research, research, research - both on company policies about family leave and being called in for "emergencies." I still say don't rock the boat because jobs are very hard to find. If the company "lets you go", it would be scary but you must list this last job in your job application. No guaranty that your former job would be neutral and not blacklist you. Find a way around this. Unfortunately, everyone here on island knows that when you work in a retail store, grocery stores, hotels and restaurants - you have not fixed hours. They call you when someone else did not shop up to work on time, etc...It's a high rate of turn over on employees. .... By the way, I laughed when I read your day with mom and the $2.00 gas money. Boy, I was worse than her! I was a full time student and I would make money sewing clothes for fam. I made dresses for mom for only $10. And sis' 2 piece very short dresses for $10. Etc... When I went out with friends, I would only tip them $1.00 for gas! =)
I do need to not let the words of others make me feel guilty. Just as all of you have said, it is easy to judge and criticize what someone doing, but until you have walked in their shoes for sometime, you have no right to make assumptions or judge what that person is doing.You know, we had a new minister at our church back in the mid 90's. He was 45 years old, fresh out of seminary. He hurt a lot of people because he was very opinionated about certain situations. In one particular case, he went to a nh to visit people who belonged to our church. He came across this elderly man from church whose wife had him placed because he had Parkinson's Disease. His wife had severe osteoporsis with cracks in her spine so she had considerable pain and could not help her husband with bathing,etc. Well the minister had a fit because in his opinion, this man should not have been in a nh and he told the elderly man just that. It created a big problem for his wife and she was furious with the minister for having said that to her husband. Yes the minister is only human and makes mistakes just like the rest of us but he should have inquired about the situation with his wife. Anyway he did apologize but one has to keep in mind that this minister's father and mother were living with him because his dad had Parkinson's. In our church the minister can be married, we are similar to Catholic being that we have communion, our minister's are called priests and our service is similar to a Catholic service with traditions following seasons in the church. I guess I am saying that sometimes a person gets too gung ho on their religion. I am going to play it cool and see what evolves. I have to not say anything about my mother which is hard sometimes.
Joan, thank you so much, I too have much respect for you. You say what needs to said, and you say it in a way so it does not hurt the person to are communicating with. I appreciate that, I know I go off the deep end sometimes, and you and Margeaux have helped me to see things that I was not seeing. Remember when I first started posting, I had so much anger at my mother, and look at me now. Seeing her differently is because of you, Margeaux, Book, Ladee, Beck and others on this site and I wish my sister could let go of her anger. Yes, the $2.00 was just too cute. I told my husband about it and he laughed about it. If that happened a year ago, I would have been angry at her tight fist. Thank you all so much! Love and hugs to everyone!!
Any more news about your mum? ((((((hugs)))))
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I don't know what stage he is at, or what drugs he takes although I think he is on something that is supposed to slow down the progression of the disease. His wife slips a sedative(Lorazepam, I think) into his coffee when he starts to get agitated, especially in the evening, but not too often because she doesn't want him to get addicted. It helps a lot. He sometimes knows that she is his wife, but other times is scared that his wife will come home and find him with "another woman" (her). He thinks Al (his son) is one of his old friends from back in the day. He gets quite verbally abusive toward his wife in the evenings or when he thinks she is keeping things from him. He gets fixated on ideas, such as thinking that someone has stolen or hidden his car. On holidays, he is constantly mistaking his whereabouts for some other place. When he comes to Fort McMurray, he often thinks he is in the USA. He no longer asks questions about the oilsands when he is here, as he used to. His memory is only for a few minutes, as he will often ask the same question only a minute or so after he has been given the answer. He still plays Solitaire, but does it wrong and his wife is constantly trying to correct him. He can read the newspaper sometimes, but only aloud and of course with no retention. Wherever he is, he picks up and hoards papers - flyers, newspapers, showbills, etc.
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Ideas???
Thanks
Margeaux - you are going through some grieving with your mum declining and also, probably wondering what next you will face with your mum. Aging is not for sissies! (((((hugs)))) to you too.
sharyn - sounds like you have a wonderful friend by your side. I have a few of those and the are priceless. sharyn, I have the utmost respect for what you are doing for your mum - just tell those voices and the guilt to go back where they came from, (you know, that hot place). Your boss is overstepping her boundaries. I sure understand that you want to shop somewhere that you don't work. I wish your sis could appreciate that this disease has taken over her mum. $2.00 for gas is just precious! - gave me a big smile. Very sweet, I like the idea of keeping a scrapbook ir records of these things. You will treasure it later.
I know you are still hurting about your nephew and the pain he and all the family are going through, the unfairness of it all., It is not easy. (((((hugs))))) Joan
It must be difficult for you to be dealing with a supervisor such as the one you have. By all of your descriptions of how she does her job, it somewhat sounds as if she is playing employees, one against the other. Lately, I have heard of situations in which people say they're Christian. I've always thought, that it's real easy to fly whatever banner one likes, but really I don't think this kind of talk should prevail in any work place. Besides, not everyone is a Christian. No offense to anyone here who is. This boss sounds manipulative, if I may say so.
I didn't want to say it before, but from what you describe, this is the feeling I get.
Please empower yourself, by knowing the policies of your company regarding all of this. You have enough to contend with, without feeling as if you are doing something wrong, no less at your job. Much Love & Light! Margeaux