The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I left early this morning purposely so Icould go by my friend's business. Something I have been wanting to do for awhile. She has many friends, contacts and she teaches bereavement classes. I gave her copy of the book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia." We had a good talk for about an hour. She is such a loving person...you all know what I mean...a person in your life who is so authentic and real.
Joan~I so appreciate your words. I know in my head that I am doing right by my mom, but because I am so sensitive (things said to me by others), I feel guilty that I should be doing more for my mom. This is where my confusion with my boss comes in.

I took mom out to pay the city and PG&E, then we went to a grocery store. After that a hair cut. Then I went grocery shopping for us so I could make spaghetti sauce which is cooking now. I don't grocery shop at the store I work simply because I don't want to go to my work place on a day off...weird, I know!!

I know what you mean Joan about waiting in the wings with your mother. You are doing great in regards to your mom, setting those necessary boundaries, but still being there for her. I wish my sis could get her mind around that concept.

I will end with a special moment with my mom today. After all the running around we did together, she gave me $2.00 to help with gas!! How special is that!! Bless her heart for thinking about me and I will treasure it!! Hugs to everyone!!

Dabs4mom,

Thank you. Yes, it is sad. As I said before, I could hear it in my sister's voice as she told me about this incident a sense of going into the unknown w/our mother's condition. She's in charge legally and medically and lives with mom. I don't, but visit and relieve her when needed. My sister is very capable, responsible but also the ultimate controller.

I was looking up the stages of ALZ the other day, and apparently can overlap.
Well anyway, I did have some moments of having to face the reality that one day mother may not be able to recognize any of us.

Dabs, can I call you that? How insensitive of your mom's friend to stay there with her, and bring family along. It's interesting how people like this seem to not have any clue about the disease either, "but even her friend can't believe the change in mom." I have a close friend, who will ask how mom is doing. I've explained many times, that mom can't hold real conversations with people. This friend, will say something later, like mom is still functioning like the rest of us, w/o ALZ.
You'd think that people who are close friends of a person afflicted with this condition, would inform themselves. I know in my friend's case, I've chosen to give her very general updates about my mom, because sometimes it gets on my nerves to have to explain to people, more than a couple of times, especially about the impact upon communication ALZ affects.

But needless to say, this friend has super over stayed her welcome, hasn't she!
Your mother still sounds as if she is very active. My mom does a lot of sleeping.
I've always wondered, why it is that doctors would choose to ask an elderly patient for the SS#. I think many people sometimes don't remember that, even w/o ALZ.
I'm wondering, did your mother make the arrangements to allow these people to come to stay in her home?

I've observed, from my own family an attempt many times for people to maintain things, old friends with respect to someone w/ALZ the same. But the reality is, things are distinctly different. Whether the person afflicted with it, or the caregivers realize it or not, there are some major adjustments to be considered.
O.K., Dabs, please don't over do it, w/those dinners. Although, I'm sure it sounds as if you want to keep mom happy, etc., but a visit as such is a lot of stress too.
Much Love & Light!, Margeaux

Hi All, my name is Lisa and I am jumping in! I am primary caregiver for my mom in her home, stage 4 brain cancer.

Anyway, last night was a rough night but this first hours of today have been pretty marvelous! Mom is allowing some of her friends to come over this week, which tickles me, we found out that financially we are solid today and she is alert and up. Good morning =)

sharyn - as I understand it you are not obliged to come in on your days off. It sounds to me like your super is on a real power trip. Do you have a union and a union rep? It might be a good idea to clarify the policy about coming in on your days off, and let your super know that you have, Or even ask her about that policy to show her you are aware of it. I would be very pleasant and do it in the spirit of being helpful and letting her know that you don't want to inconvenience her attempts to cover the necessary hours, but that you do have right to refuse. I would keep it on the basis of the company policy. Your personal business is your personal business and not for her to get involved. Just my 2 cents worth. I am sure you need your days off.
Hi book - the support I am getting now is invaluable. I have lived a life with support from friends but not from family. I wouldn't say that ex and I are STILL on good terms -we weren't when we split. We have rebuilt our relationship with the grace of God and a desire to stay in one another's lives, especially after Gordie died We still love one another - always did and always will. but more just as family, not mates. I am thankful. I absolutely cannot imagine how you manage what you do with the little support that you get. I can't watch scary movies either. I do agree with not pissing off your boss. Trying to keep it on a good level while at the same time stick up for your rights. ((((((hugs)))))

Hope everyone has a good day. I seem to have developed that cough that has been going around, but don't feel bad otherwise. Cold FX to the rescue!

Hi all - catching up again.
sharyn, I really do think you are doing a great job with your mother, and I think she is very fortunate to have you. Your sis is a bit of a case. She does need to let go if she cannot manage the duties of DPOA. I think you have a wonderful attitude about your mum -yes she was abusive, but she needs help now. I feel the same way. I am waiting in the wings for the time. Right now I have to protect myself, and she has backed off. But if/when the time comes I will be there. You have to decide how to handle your work situation, I think you are wise to trust your gut feelings about your supervisor. It does seem that the burden of caregiving falls on your shoulders. Like book, I wonder if your sis will be tight fisted with money for your mum's needs. I think checking with your ER dept about time off is a good idea. I think you are right being preoared to fight for conservatorship. Are you documenting the things you do, and the things your sis does in order to back yourself up if it comes to that? ((((((((hugs))))))
Margeaux - I am very happy that Gary's mum is recovering. She has a way to go and is not strong. He is worried about his dad if mum goes first. Mum would manage without dad, but dad falls apart without mum. I think he would die very soon afterwards if mum goes first. They have been married 65 years. Yes, the efforts of years ago are oaying off for me. My ex says he knows he lost a good thing when we split, and that I am one if the most important people in his life. My beginnings with my dil were not good -she was still married to her ex when she started dating my son. I let them know in no uncertain terms that I thought this was a bad idea for them, and she should get her divorce ASAP so they could get on with their lives. I felt very strongly about it. She did divorce but held a grudge against me for several years. I worked hard to repair the relationship, and finally when I gave her a fancy pink (her favourite colour) birthday cake, it turned around, Since then we have been growing closer and closer. I had always longed for a dil I could do girly things with and it is happening. She and my son are really "parenting" me at times, and so is my ex. I have to say I have been in tears of gratitude recently, as I had precious little parenting when i was young. Re choc - I buy sugar free choc online. Sugar, white flour etc cause inflammation and my body does not feel good. I avoid them as mucb as possible. Sorry to hear that your mum is declining. Even though it is inevitable, still it is not nice to see.(((((hugs)))))
dabs - I had to smile at the picture if your mum having a conversation with an answering machine, and yet at the same time it is tragic to see a person who was once so functional become like this. It is not good that this friend's daughter is staying there. Would the friend be receptive to you telling her this is not a good idea as it is too hard on your mum?. Can you make a back up plan for mum's meds for when her CG is off sick. Could you lock up her pills somewhere so she doesn't mess with them? Thanks for the tight hugs -we all need them.

Love and blessings to everyone

Book~Thanks. I am not purposely trying to piss off my boss, but I am not required to come in on my days off. I don't know what my co-worker will do other than call in saying she can't come in due to complications, but I can't keep coming in on my days off, I need time for my life too. I guess I will wait and see if they call me come in on Wednesday. I find it hard to believe that the boss wouldn't give her the whole day, when I requested the 11th off for my mom's neurological appt., she gave it to me. When we request a day off, they will make the schedule so that the day we ask for is one of our regular days off the that week. Anyway, gotta go, a busy morning planned with mom.

Sharyn,…. fight for what’s right for your mom. I hope sis won’t be like what we read of others here where the DPOA won’t spend money on the parent because they’re keeping the money for their inheritance. It looks like you will be doing all the grunt work for sis. If you plan to use your FMLA leave, research first. Also, I don’t recommend pissing off your boss. Best you can do is if she text you to come early, maybe do a quick visit to mom’s, call from there and tell her that you’re unable to come early because you’re at mom’s. You need to do this only when you’re at mom’s. Who knows if she gets suspicious, she might ask to speak to your mom! Just don’t go driving around when you do tell her this. She might catch you with the lie. If your boss is going to give you a hard time about taking leave for your mom, you will just have to schedule mom’s appointment later so that you can get leave on that day. I think that’s how it works in the real job world. My sis had a difficult time getting afternoons off when her girls were young – to take them to their appointments. Pissed her off several times when the boss would ignore her request. Boss will yell out across the hallway about her leaves and everyone could hear and sis was soooo embarrassed. Sis can tell you a lot of horror/embarrassing stories of work. But, she does whatever the boss wants – even coming in on Saturdays – without pay! It just pisses me off how they abuse their power over the employees. No one wants to be written up and have a black mark on their file. It’s call “being a team player.” Whatever!!!

With regards to your friend, if there’s complications and she is needed badly, she can either find a co-worker willing to come in ASAP to cover for her (and she will owe her the same by covering for that person in the future.) If she’s at home and gets the call, then she will call work and tell that she cannot come in due to the medical emergency. At that time, she needs to speak to the doctor –most likely it would be the attending nurse – if she can get a doctor’s excuse using the hospital’s letterhead explaining that due to so-and-so, she was there for her Aunt or Uncle so-and-so, on this day, etc… Have her keep a copy of this letter for proof that she had one and submit it to the office when she comes in to work the next day. It’s important that the doctor explains the Relationship of the patient with your friend. Due to the HIPAA privacy, I don’t know if the doctor will be willing to do this. So ask what he can give.

Joan –… I’m glad that Gary’s mum is recovering. Glad that you had some help. Can you imagine if you didn’t? It’s good that you and the Ex are still in good terms. You take care and rest up more.
Margeaux –… So sorry that your mom is progressing. It is true that they lose weight. I always thought it was because she kept walking and walking. I think she was a sundowner. In the afternoons, she would walk back and forth in the yard for hours. Then her disappearing acts at evenings. Mom rarely talked in her normal life before the dementia. This didn’t change when she had her dementia. I just remember her always calling for my father’s name over and over. She didn’t ask questions or spoke in sentences. He was the only one who could calm her violence. Father made up for it in spades. He can nag for hours, days and weeks over the same topic…
Dabs –… I chuckled a little when you said that mom was having a conversation with the answering machine. Father talks to “invisible” people. I keep thinking we have Real Visitors but no one is there when I check. Now, these people scare him because they’re just standing there looking at him. Ugh!! Sorry, I just cannot watch scary movies. I even scream watching the old cartoon Scooby Doo. It just creeps me out when he “sees” all these people. (What if they’re Really Spirits?)

Just one thing...my co-worker has been telling me for the last 4 days that she asked for the 27th off so she could take her aunt or uncle in for a hernia surgery. Our bakery/deli manager only gave her half the day. She has to come in 4-9 that day. She keeps telling me what if there is complications and I can't come in? I am off tues. and wed. this week. Last week I did not return my manager's call to come in at 1pm when I was scheduled to come in at 4pm. She was not happy when I came in at 4pm. I decided that I would not answer calls from work anymore on my days off or when I am scheduled to come at 4pm. I think my co-worker's message to me is... if I need time off because of my mother (day or two because of health), I can not expect to get it because as my manager said, "Your employer is not going to there for you." I do not plan on being available on Wednesday if they call me. Am I right in doing this???? Any suggestions??

Dabs4mom~It is hard on your mom having the extra people at her house. It's a shame that the daughter didn't stay at a hotel with the hours she is keeping (which is normal for her age but disrespectful when staying in someone else's home who has dementia). I hope things settle down soon even though your mom is enjoying the visit from her friend.
So far my mom's care has not interfered with work. But my sister is flaking out on me and I may have to take time off once we get the neurologists diagnosis. I don't know how long it will take to go to court for mom's attorney to put everything in a conservatorship. Unfortunately, my sis is named first on the DPOA and she is putting everything on me right now. She has only made arrangements with Verizon Phone to send mom's bill to her house (she lives out of town). Instead of coming here to mom's house with the bill, she is going to send it to me so I can make sure it is paid. Yes my sister has health issues, but if she is not up to the task, then she needs to say so instead of being so selfish in wanting to be the "Big Cheese" but not really doing anything. I am tired of cutting her slack because of her health. This is not about me wanting to have control, it is about common sense in caring for our mom and she has admitted to me several times that she is sick and tired of dealing with mom's issues. Seriously, mom was abusive and a horrible mother to us, a horrible wife to our dad...but...she has dementia for God's sack. If you can't get past the abuse mom dished out freely and whole heartedly to all of us, then you should not be in control of mom's best interest. I could go on and on but I won't. I am going to call the union tomorrow to get the number for HR because they will not give it out at work. If the neurologist diagnoses my mother as incompetent, then I may have to take the FMLA while we go through the court process because I can't depend on my sister to give me a day off and she clearly is only interested in being in charge. Like I said before, this is not all because of her health, she just is not willing to sacrifice anything and herself always comes first. I can see where this is going to come between us and I may have to fight her in the end to have the conservatorship in my name. When my dad was in a nursing home here in town which is only a 45 minute drive from her house, she hardly ever came to visit him. Dad was her favorite. Maybe once every 3 months she would come down here. Anyway enough, the more I rant the angrier I get. Hugs to all!!

Margeaux - I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's change in behavior. It's all part of the ALZ progression. I'll never forget the time I walked into my mom's house and found her having an entire conversation with her answering machine. She was playing back a message, and actually thought she was talking to her friend. She has started talking more and more about my dad and her sisters that have both passed away. It kills me when the doc asks her if she knows her soc.sec. # and she can rattle it off, but she can't tell you how old she is, or what state she lives in.
This past 5 days have been really interesting. She has a friend, and her daughter, that drove down from Ohio for a visit. Believe it or not they're staying at mom's house. Mom's care giver has been very sick with the flu and hasn't been there since last Thursday. I've been going over everyday, cleaning up, and fixing dinners for them. The daughter has friends here and leaves during the day, but shows up in the evening when ever...to eat and sleep. She even brought her 18 yr. old son that lives here with his father over to mom's to sleep. Mom is a wreck. She loaded with $$ and doesn't have the good sense to go stay in a hotel. Mom's enjoying her friend, but even her friend can't believe the change in mom. I've been calling mom at least 2-3 times a day to remind her to take her meds. Her care giver gives them to her when she's there during the day. Of course mom has told me over and over that she took them each time I'd tell her to. Today I had to refill her pill box, and I couldn't even find it. She had moved it to under her bathroom sink for some reason. Anyhow, I come to find that she had "redistributed" her pills in the empty days instead of taking them. As if I wouldn't figure out that's what she had done. When I asked her about it, she said that Maria(her CG) and I had messed them up. Yeah right. All part of the process.
Sharyn: Hang in there. It does sound like your boss is jerking your chain. It's none of her business how you cope with your mom's needs. Given that you have to have a job, it makes it harder. The boss has no clue what it's like, so it's easy for her to judge. Just be mindfull of things at work. The last thing you need if for them to look for reasons to let you go. Taking some personal time may be what you have to do. Check with your HR department to find out the details of FML. You're entitled to it, and if you take it, they can't say anything.

Tight hugs to everyone.

Margeaux~I am sorry to hear your mother is progressing. This disease really is hard to take at times. I pray I do not develop it. My dad slept alot when he had dementia. It drove my mom nuts with her personality disorder because her mentality is that we should be doing productive work from sunrise to sunset. This is how she was raised. My poor dad could not do the yard work anymore. His mind could not organize how to follow through on these activities plus he (like my mom) had lost weight and look very frail. Finally she hired a yard service.My dad would talk a lot about his deceased mother having been by for a visit. It is rough. I understand your sis has no patience just like my sis. When my sis found out mom had ruined the microwave by putting the dogs metal bowl in it, she was angry. She said I told her last week not to do that and here she goes and does it anyway. Sis...mom has dementia, she can't remember what you tell her 5 minutes after you tell her. Enjoy the time with your mom and many hugs to you!!

I spoke with my sister the other day. Mom was having a few very awake days again.
When this happens, my sister tells me that mom in her ALZ, starts to talk, and ask and repeat questions. It wears on my sisters patience, of which she has zero!
Mom was asking her for people from her past, (people my sister doesn't even know). So my sister called one of mom's only friends from her childhood. They talked, but not very long. So after the phone call was over, mom continued to ask my sister about people who had already passed away. Suddenly, my sister said, that she realized my mom thought she was still talking to the friend they'd just called. So I could hear it in my sister's voice, that she thinks mom is going deeper into ALZ. This is the first time this has happened. I went to visit mom about a week and a half ago. But she was sleeping almost the entire time I was visiting, so I have no way to gage any of this. Anyway, I have to go down there this week, to see what's going on. She did look more frail to me, been down with a cold, so hadn't been eating as much. Margeaux

Emjo,

I am very happy to hear that Gary's mother is out of the hospital.
Yes, it's interesting when we get support from people in our lives, when we often least expect it. Good to hear something like this. I think these things happen also, because of one's own past efforts given to relationships. This is what I call hope.
This is encouraging!! O.K., Emjo hope things are well with you and your diet.
My sinuses have been flaring up again on account of the approaching spring.
But I did have too much sugar last week, could be this also. The chocolate, which I love!
Be well, my dear! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan~ It is good news that Gary's mom is home recovering. Good for your son and dil to be there helping with their support!

Thank you for saying I am doing a good job for my mother. I would much rather think that I am misunderstanding my manager than to think or know she would use authority to purposely make someone's personal life more difficult. My sister says I should just tell her I need two consecutive days off a week to take care of my mother. I don't want to do that or ask for any special considerations because I can't help but feel that it would make things more difficult. Who am I to ask for special considerations at work because of personal issues? It just doesn't work that way for most of us. My sister's job is different, they seem to be more accommodating...at least she says they are.

My mom called me this morning saying her microwave was smoking with white lights and blinking lights. I asked her if she put something metal in it. Sure enough, she put the dogs dish in to warm her food. I told her to unplug it and not use it. I took over hot food from work on my break so she would have dinner and not use the stove. Sis called saying she would take mom out later in the week to get a new microwave???? I told her I would take her tomorrow. How did she expect her to eat without a microwave for a few days. Now she won't be coming down at all this week to help. I think my sister's health is worse, she sounds horrible on the phone. I can't help but be angry that since January she has done very little to help out. This is not all due to her health. Some years back when mom was sick, I had a hard time getting her to come down to stay with mom so I could have a break. She refuses to give up Saturday and Sunday to help which means she gets her weekend. My weekend is during the normal work week, I get no time for my home responsibilities or just a day to relax. I told my husband I am going to request a weekend off work and tell sis like she told me when she went away for a weekend with her man friend..."sorry to dump on you for the weekend, but I am going away with "T" for the weekend." I can just hear her protest now!!

Hugs to everyone!!
Sharyn

Margeaux~I have to agree with you about the interpretations. I will figure out some other way of taking the medicine back and forth. I may just have to go over in the mornings to give it to her. I started giving it to her in the late afternoon because the pharmacy said it could make her drowsy in the beginning. She has been taking it long enough now that I can switch her over to mornings. I just wish that people who don't know the full story or have any understanding of my situation (meaning my boss) would not make comments unsolicited. It makes me uncomfortable that she is judging me and my family. Anyway, I gotta go to work now.

Thank you Book, Deef, and Margeaux, hugs to all of you!!

sharyn - that was my take on your supervisor too. I think she is trying to control you - to force you to take time off to spend with your mother because of her own beliefs. You are doing such a good job. So glad the hospital experience went well.

Here Gary's mum is out of hospital and weak but recovering. I am emotionally and physically exhausted by some stuff that has been happening, but I will recover. Son Dave and dil Penny have been so supportive, also my ex is coming up roses. All the effort I put into that relationship years ago - he reminded me we were together for 27 years - is paying off. Life is strange sometimes.
Hope everyne is having a decent weekend
♥, hugs and prayers. Joan

Deefer12~ I haven't asked for the FML because I don't feel I need to at this point in time. I am not stressed and I have told my boss that my mother is being taken care of by several of us in the family who are all going over to her house and spending time with her. Like I told Book, I just feel like she doesn't approve, and if it were her mother, she would be doing something very different putting her mother's care over everything else. My thoughts are that with scheduling me with only 1 day off a week, she was purposely making it more difficult for me to spend time over at my mother's to help care for her. I will do a search to check out the laws protecting me. I must ask, how would taking the FML be something in my favor if she were looking to get rid of me? If she really wanted to get rid of me, I think she would be riding my butt and looking for things to write me up on plus with this company, they can transfer us around to other stores so she could just transfer me to another store. That is my logic on it. I just feel her attitude is different toward me now since her little talk about not having regrets, not putting my job over family because in the end, my employer isn't going to be there for me and I have to be prepared for what may come up with my mom. I agree about keeping the medicine in my car. I have only been doing that with the cold whether, but I never thought about if I got caught by the police that they might hold me until they can prove it is my mothers. I will talk with her dr. about. I go over to mom's on my 30 min. lunch break to give it to her. Her dr. told me back in Oct. that I needed to take charge of her medicine because she came in his office one day (when she was still driving) with several different medicines asking them which ones she was suppose to be taking. He said some were expired so he took them from her. Thank you for the info, I really appreciate it.

Book~I know the fuzzy brain feeling, Lol!! What I am feeling is that she does not approve of how my family is handling things with mom. Her remarks about her being a Christian and family comes first over her job. Before the talk, I was only getting 24 hrs. a week which is the minimum they can give us when it is slow. She would schedule me 3 eight hour shifts with 4 days off and 3 of the 4 days were consecutive.Right after the talk, she started scheduling me with only 1 day off, 3 days would be 5 hour shifts and 3 would be eight hour shifts. Like I said, I could be over analyzing it. Last week and this week coming I have 2 days off.

Sharynmarie,

I remember when you had originally written about this matter, that I really wondered why a manager would be so concerned about the fact that you take time off of work, and when you should take it.
One time, I left to pick up my cell phone at my sisters place of employment. I had left it at her house on a recent visit to see mom. It was a time when the stress was escalating over at mom's, since our aunt's health was taking a serious dive..
I know for a fact my sister was taking time off, (and only what was coming to her), not any added days that would jeopardize her position at work. When I arrived at her job to look for her, she wasn't there. I had taken quite a drive to do this, and found it odd, that my sister didn't call to inform me she wasn't going in to work that day. So, I went to the main office, as she was working in a high school to ask whether she was just away from her desk, and one of the secretaries told me she hadn't gone into work. I completely baffled, explained to this woman, my reason for being there." This lady then gave an attitude of, "oh yes, your sister, has been making some mistakes of lately." I never mentioned this to my sister, because I didn't want to add to her stress. My sister had totally forgotten to call me to let me know she wouldn't be there that day. But I definitely got it that day, that many times things happen quite involuntarily and could make other employees, who I'm sure have their own baggage about being at work etc., and make unfair interpretations of a situation. Fortunately, my sister is still working for the same company.

Deefer12, has given you some good advice. Maybe you should do a search about laws that protect you as an employee. The other thing I wanted to add, is the fact that your car temperature will always be warmer than normal temperatures. Now I know that it has been colder lately. But do you think it's a good idea to store medications in a car? The instructions for storage of such medications is usually, in a cool place.

O.K. Sharynmarie, I'm thinking about you very much right now, as I'm aware that things have been coming very fast at you. Much Love & LIght!

Sharyn, there are laws out there to protect you if you are caring for someone. I ended up having to take Family Medical Leave, when Mom was coming home from rehab. It's federal law that your employer has to allow you up to 12 consecutive weeks to care for someone and hold your job for you. Of course that doesn't mean they won't find a way to get rid of you when you get back, but if you did ask for and take FML, it would give you something to hold over them if they did try to fire you. Bookworm is right. Keep up your excellent work standards as best you can and hang onto that job for now.
On a different note, DO NOT keep your mom's meds in your car! If you get stopped and they are seen in your car and don't have your name on the bottle, you could be arrested for possession! Has happened many times here. Merry's friend, a man in his 60's, was keeping a bottle of his meds in his car console and had some of each script in one bottle. He got stopped for speeding and was arrested on the spot when the pills were found. Until they could contact his doctor and find out what they were, he had to stay in jail. be careful, and maybe get a note from her doctor to keep with the pills if you are going to keep them with you.

Sharyn, It's late at night here. Too tired to think. I re-read your words twice but my brain is foggy. (Plus I keep craving junk food and been restraining myself - so maybe my mind is not totally on your words but...my self control struggles). You gave us the background information. Now what is your concern?

Before your talk 3 weeks ago, was your schedule different than it is now? Before - when you had 3 days off- it became one? It sounded like your boss - originally- wanted you to take family leave. Are you saying that by encouraging you to take these leaves, she would use this to "lay" you off? Or because you're not taking time off for family, she will find ways to force you to take it? I tend to get brain fuddled by evening time....We could wait for me to give my Guess - if you don't mind waiting until my tomorrow when I'm refreshed and gungho for the day...(Really, Sharyn, my brain is soooo foggy right now.)

Whatever is the case, I'd play it safe and continue to be a team player. If it will allay her suspicions, why don't you take one or two days off for "family" leave (if it doesn't require paperwork from the doctor) and do spend time with your mom. At least when you go back to work, you will look more frazzled returning than when you left! And they will definitely know you Did take family time off. It would be very stressful for you by dealing with your mom, but it would also allay any fears of work from your supervisor. What you do - which I do all the time - I time my leaves when the office is not busy. This way, no one resents it that you took leave when it was very busy. So if Fridays are the busiest, do not take leave on Friday. And if I misunderstood your question - blame it on my fogged up brain....

Ok...I have been carrying this around for about 5 weeks now. It is not caregiving related but it could very well be dysfunctional thinking on my part. I may be over analyzing, over sensitive, and just way out there, but it seems to me that my boss has a different attitude toward me since her little talk to me about not putting my job first, not expecting my employer to be there for me because they will have no problem getting rid of me, if push comes to shove, and not having regrets. I base this on the fact that the first 3 weeks after she talked with me, I only got 1 day off each week. Then when I had 3 days scheduled off consecutively, I was called to come in. I get messages from her regularly about family first and maybe it's just because I am a Christian, but family comes first. She is not always directing it to me personally, but I am present when she says it.Prior to her talk with me, she would joke with me from time to time, now she seems so serious. I realize that if she wanted to get rid of me, she would look for ways to write me up and have me fired which she isn't doing. However, I can't help but feel that she is sending strong messages to me. I keep ignoring it hoping things will go back to how it was before her little talk but it hasn't happened yet. I don't know if I mentioned that what brought up her talking with me in first place was because I lost my mother's antidepressant medicine bottle the first week mom was taking it. It was found in my department the next morning. I reported it to the night manager that night. The bottle fell through a hole in my apron pocket. I keep the medicine the glove box in my car but that day when I went to mom's during my lunch break to give it to her, I forgot to put it back in the glove box. I get the idea that she thinks I am working for what my employer gives to me such as medical and dental, vacation. Which I admit is important to me, but I also go in on my days off 95% of the time I am called. I take pride in my work by doing my best and always pushing myself to do more.I am a team player, and yes, I grumble, everyone does, Lol!! Do you all think I am being over sensitive?

Thank you Dabs and Margeaux! I am glad you got a laugh out my mother, she is getting to be a character and I am enjoying what her personality is now (sadly it is a result of dementia) as opposed to her normal personality disorder that I grew up with. She still makes accusations all is based on her old self who never does anything wrong, but it is easily resolved now. Today when I went, I found a note she wrote saying someone took her oranges, bananas, rolls of paper for drying hands, apples, and corn flakes, Lol. I have to laugh because no one took them, she ate the food and used the paper towels but she doesn't think she did. She said she had them over the last few days but now suddenly there are gone. In her irrational way of thinking, "someone took them". So when I get off work tonight, I will buy her some apples, oranges, paper towels and corn flakes!! I have the note and I think I am going to keep it forever. Maybe I will make a memory book about my mother and the funny things she says or does just to look back on to see the lighter side of my mother that never existed before.

Margeaux~Some people when they drink become disagreeable. It sounds like the alcohol is the problem. It is so kind of you to help her out, especially when her family doesn't seem to be interested. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate her behavior. Tread lightly. Hugs!!

Dabs~Thank you for offering info on hospice. When my dad was at that point, I didn't know about hospice. Whether my mother did, I don't know. Hugs to you!!

Have a good, quiet weekend everyone.

Cmagnum,

On paragraph #3, I meant to write: "I found out about this previous family, not precious. I didn't want to sound sarcastic about any of this. They are precious too!
Margeaux

Cmagnum,

Thank you! I've been away, as maybe you have read already, was w/o our home computer. I did go and renew my library card, and I can use one there. But my husband returned from his trip w/ours.

Well after having read about the situation with your father, it reminded me of my dad's situation in life regarding his ex-narcissistic wife. Apparently, they married very, very young. After I did some research about the family tree a few mos., ago I discovered that dad was 24 yrs. old w/an eight year old son. They as a couple lived w/her parents. But at some time, my dad bought a house, so that he and his wife and their now growing family could live in.. She apparently, didn't want to break away from her parents, and didn't. So form some years, my dad was living in this house, and visiting the wife and kids at the in-laws. The problem was that it seems as if, somewhere in the picture when he'd visit, she'd later become pregnant. Funny how that works! Anyway, they had five kids. Dad finally became fed up, I'm sure both w/her, and the situation. They divorced.

Later he met mom, and they married. I found out about this precious family when I was ten years old. Even though my dad financially supported this family, he wasn't really emotionally connected to them. Two of my half brothers did kind of reach out to dad later on when throughout the years. I wondered many times about this, but my dad was a rather emotionally jammed up man. I remember trying to ask dad questions, when I was a kid and just wanted to know about where our family name came from he had avoidance in his responses. Anyway, especially on the front of dad's lack of interaction with his first family, it made me feel in some way guilty, as in......we took other kid's dad away from them. But I finally, have come to the point that when it comes to other's people's information, about spouses, I guess some things definitely are sacred. I really considered this over the years as to how my dad would not respond, or put me off with any of these types of questions. Anyway, at that point I stopped feeling in my own way, responsible for dad's feelings too. It really helped me, in a big way. This has been a big lesson also about the fact, that we really can't have all the answers about people, and I'm o.k. with that.

I'd also read about the fact that you haven't been sleeping lately.
Do you possibly think that you could be tossing all of this in your mind a bit too much? This happens to me, when I become stressed. Anyway, I chanted the other day, and visualized you snoring up a storm. O.K., a big hug to you my friend! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sharyn: Your mom sounds like a character. I know for sure that mine is. At this point she has no "filter" on her mouth. Sometimes she says things that you have to laugh at even if they are inappropriate....can't help it. Other times you have to just go with it, especially if she's being nasty.
Hey, remember what I said about it being ok to acknowledge your own pain or grief. A good cry once in awhile is your body's way of clearing out the junk that emotions can build up. It clears your head (not to mention your sinuses) and helps you to refocus and look at things from a different perspective.

Just so everyone knows, I worked with hospice for over 5 years up until a couple years ago. If anyone has any questions, I'm happy to share as much info as I can. It truly is a wonderful thing. It's a shame more people aren't educated on what it actually is, the care they provide, how it's paid for etc. I'm here if you need me.

My husband returned a day ago from his trip. It was a difficult week and a half being here alone, right after the passing of Vanilla. The first two days, I heard some scratching at our front door, (exactly where he once scratched). I opened the door, but there was no one there. It's like I have to keep reminding myself that he is no longer here. This is why I was particularly glad that my husband got that assignment out of town, in some way, because I knew it would be very hard for him. But he's one of those guys who doesn't show his emotions very much.

So the first week he was away, my neighbor was having a venous procedure done to her leg. She has a very strained relationship with her own daughter who ignores her. The daughter lives close by, but never offers to take her mom to especially a procedure as such. So I offered to do this for her. I can't believe how some children of people treat their elders in this country. But I also think that my neighbor has very low expectations of her daughter, and others in that family.

Anyway, so I took her to an outpatient procedure. Pre-operative instructions were that she avoid alcohol, and aspirin, as this could cause bleeding on account of the blood thinning. This lady, I'm afraid likes to drink more wine than is good for her. So she did stay away from the wine for 10 days prior to the procedure. So the day I took her to the hospital for this, we then returned and I escorted her into her house. Later on, I went to check in on her, and to see if she wanted to eat, as she was supposed to stay off her legs. I couldn't believe it, she was drinking some wine. I didn't say anything to her. Two days later, I again took her to a follow up for an ultrasound. She had a friend over during the weekend, and I know they again had some more wine. I must say, that I think the day after she's been indulging it affects her mood. She's been somewhat argumentative w/me.
If I say blue, she says something red. I'm helping her, but honestly I don't like this kind of treatment, either. Do any of you who have had experience w/people who drink, notice this contrary temperament? Anyway, by this last Monday which was about a week after she'd had the procedure done, she told me she was having pain and feeling heavy in her leg. I very politely suggested to her, that whatever she's ingesting, is very important for her healing. Sugar being inflammatory, cannot be good. Anyway, she is a very nice person on many levels, and I do care for her enough, but sometimes she really wears on my patience. I'm wondering too, whether she's dumping on me, since her family ignores her.
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

One just never knows how the illness of a person is going to affect us.
Certainly, the difficult situation your brother's family is facing it does stir all kinds of emotions. I will keep all of you in my thoughts. Please do not feel as if you are focusing on your self either in all of this. Besides, we are here to listen also and offer our support. It doesn't really matter how well, or close we have felt to people either. I think it's healthy also, for you to talk about this, rather than bottling it up.

Oh, I had a good laugh, when I read what your mom replied to the eye doctor.
My mother also comes out with funny and quite blunt responses at times.
Thanks, I needed that laugh. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

JessieBelle I have had similar feelings which I describe as a since of impending doom so I become on guard for the next battle is that what you are describing?