Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Dabs, I am very sorry for the loss of your son. It is a great idea to honor them as you mentioned. I have not lost a child which I know and understand is very painful. I honor my father in different ways such as cooking foods he grew with in N. Ireland, visiting him on St. Patrick's Day with potted Shamrocks, his birthday which I took my mom with me this year since I knew she had not been out in a year or so due to the dementia.
Yogi, I read on another thread where you are seeing your mother now. That is absolutely the greatest news!! I am so happy for you and your mother. Keep us posted about your visits with her.
Alabama, keep us posted on the appeal regarding your mother. It must be very hard what you are going through.
Book, I want to thank you again for your time last night in helping me see things more clearly!!
I will let you all know about my nephew as I am given information. My brother and sil are in upper management and hoped to retire the end of this year. My brother told me he thinks they should retire sooner so they can spend more time with their son. I don't ask them for a lot of information because I know it is very hard for them to talk about it, but sis and I have open communication with them and they will let us know as they feel the need. The young man went to Lake Tahoe last weekend with his wife and friend as a last hurrah but I am hoping he has some more weekends to celebrate life before he becomes bedridden. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts it means so much to love and support from everyone. Love and hugs to all of you♥!
I used to have Med. POA for my mom and always took her to ALL appts. she was at ease with me. My bro, somehow, changed the Medical POA to him and my sis. My mom had to go to the podiatrist last week and asked me to go with her. I always explain what is going to happen and what to expect. She may not understand everything. So, I know how to calm most of her fears. My sibs aren't the nurturing types. I know my mom VERY well as she has lived with me in the past. My sibs are just learning things about her and how to deal with her. I don't know to what extent your mom's Alz is but she will probably do better with you by her side, too. Blessings.
Hi all, I haven't posted a lot lately but I think of you all and pray for each of you and the ones you care for. I read constantly but I sit in the background admiring all of you for the care you give and the way you give of yourselves on a daily basis as the in home caregiver or as the caregiver with the person at a facility. I've been on both sides and know it is a difficult situation to be in. Blessings to ALL!!!!
Removing the hearing aids may help some, but it all depends on what kind of day she's having overall. I'll be thinking about you on the 20th.
thanks margeaux - I still haven't heard anything - may try calling someone else tonight
sharyn - let us know how it goes with your nephew - so hard on everyone. Hopefully the hospital will have had other alz patients in the MRI machine and have a process for dealing with them. I agree that 3 appointments, though convenient for your sis, may not be realistic for your mum, Let us know if you end up going too - it might help. Sorry the hear that you are not happy because of work. I agree your sis does not sound like a nurturing person. - maybe has some of your mum in her
welcome shootme - ((((hugs))))) sounds like you have been through a lot. I think most of us here understand the dysfunctionality. Getting over it while caregiving is difficult as there are so many triggers. For me it is a lifetime process. Grieving the childhood and family you needed but really never had is an important part of healing. I know I will never do anything well enough for my mother - just the way it is. Better to grieve the loss and accept it as well as you can.
dabs - I am so sorry about your son. I lost my youngest son10 years ago. I agree that continuing to do things in his name helps.
book - wow you have some horrible stories! sounds like your mum is declining a bit with needing to suction her more. Some good ideas for sharyn
burned -sorry you have been going through such a hard time - I agree with beck in wondering if bringing another child into your already very stressed life is a good idea
fraulein - that is very scary about your brother - glad your sibs are doing an intervention. Yes, you have to make sure that your mum is well cared for.
I have my oldest grandson here doing some chores for me for a few $$$. After I will take him out for a hamburger. He is a very nice young man.:)
♥, hugs and prayers for everyone
I hope it all works out smoothly like sis is thinking of. I'm still trying to figure out how you can get mom to stay still in the MRI for atleast 20 minutes? You can't really give her meds because she will be getting bloodwork afterward. What is your mom's favorite food or activity? Well, her Current favorite because with her dementia, she will be forgetting those too. But, what's her current favorite? Maybe use this as a bribe for her to behave during the MRI???
Sharynmaire, I hope you saw my previous post. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Margeaux – I wondered where you were. You were obviously “absent” here.
Shootme – Welcome to AC. It’s NOT your Fault that your father left your family. It’s NOT your Fault that your stepfather was sexually inappropriate. By telling that YOU cannot wear a nightgown or anything sexually stimulating was blaming you for HIS actions. It Is NOT True! Unfortunately, you will see over and over in life and in the news – how a mother is willing to sacrifice her children in order to remain with her male partner. Here on island, a mother held down her elementary child while her boyfriend raped her. Here on island, they know uncle is a molester, but they look the other way and allow him easy access to their daughters. You see in the mainland news how a mother used her 2 young daughters for sex with her boyfriend. She got caught. While in jail, her sister had custody of the the girls. What did dear sis do? She also used her nieces for sex for extra income. These girls were elementary ages…. So, Shootme, I’m sorry that your past truly messed you up as an adult. I’m glad that you’re seeing therapy. I and my younger sisters have blocked out our childhood memories and refuse to go to therapy to remember it. I have absolutely no desire to remember the sordid details of my childhood. Younger sisters and I are quite happy in our ignorance. I think our subconscious decided to protect us by wiping out our childhood memories. From what older brother said, it seems that father did some terrible things to mom..and I don’t remember it at all. ….So each of us caregivers have pasts that affects us today. Please come back and vent if you need to let out steam of your frustrations or for advice.
Dabs4mom – I’m sorry about your son’s passing. I understand here on this site that the pain never really goes away. I always wondered why people would do scholarships and programs under their loved ones’ name. I think I’m beginning to understand from your comments. Thank you…
dabs4mom I think you have me confused with someone else as I have not lost anyone.
As for your nephew, I can't begin to tell you how I ache for all of you. I lost my 14 yr old son nearly 22 yrs ago, and it still leaves an empty, hurting place in my heart. Nothing really prepares you for the loss of a child, because it seems so "wrong". I survived through my grief because of loving friends that held my hand through the darkest days. If I learned anything at all about being able to move on after his death, it was that it's OK to experience and feel all the confusion, pain and sadness that comes with a child's passing. It's OK to acknowledge that loss on important days like birthdays, holidays and the anniversary date of their passing, but to make that acknowledgement a positive thing, and celebrate the one you loved in some little way, then proceed with your day. Revisiting the past by only thinking about the bad and sad doesn't help you heal. I also learned that there should be no guilt in allowing yourself to "let go" of the pain and move forward with you life. Your loved one, especially a child, wouldn't want his parents or others to stop living their lives because his was cut tragically short.
After some time passes help your family come up with a way to honor your nephew that will have a long term, positive impact on others. After my son's death, who was very active at scouting at the time, we were able to start a memorial fund as a way for people to do something as opposed to flowers and such. We did it through his local Boy Scout Council. We were amazed and moved at how much people contributed. A year later we created a foundation, and held a golf tournament for anyone that wanted to participate in our community.(We lived in Eau Claire, Wis. at the time). I can't tell you how wonderful it was to know that people wanted to be part of it. We had students, teachers, parents, local business people, etc. to join in. Totally AMAZING. The proceeds went to starting a scholarship fund for a scout in need of help with college. It's been all these years and the memorial scholarship is still being given every year. We held the golf tournaments for 4 years. After that there was enough money in the fund to sustain an annual scholarship from the earnings on the account. Last year we gave the scholarship to a bright young woman for the first time. She was part of the Scout Explorer program in Eau Claire, and very deserving. Believe me when I tell you that doing something like this( or any other thing you can come up with), is a tribute that will change your life. Knowing that your loved one's memory made it possible is a powerful healing process.
You all are wonderful, and I'm so glad I found you. I keep you all in my daily thoughts and prayers now, and will continue to do so. Dabs
This is my brother's second marriage which he set boundaries around because of the dysfunctional situation in our family so I do not know this young man. I have been in a few social situations when he was a teen but that is all. My feelings are still there regardless. My feelings are centered around their family and what they are all going through. Thank you all and hugs to all of you!!
I'm really sorry to hear about Gary's mother. I will keep her in my thoughts.
Yes, my husband does do his share of travelling. He took the computer with him, so this is why I've not logged on for a couple of days. I was feeling the grieving, from Vanilla's passing. Interesting how an cat can provoke these kinds of feelings.
O.K., take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I have your bother's step son in my thoughts. This is tough.
Well I'm glad to hear you finally had the appoiintment with the neurologist.
It's always good for one not to lose their sense of humor, as I see your expressed herself, in the doctor's office, how great! We do have to look at the good side of these events, no matter how small they may seem.
O.K., keep us posted, about your mother.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux