Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Do something loving for yourself today! :)
Happy Valentines all!
One night, I could not get to sleep until around 3 am and I finally got to sleep and slept until past 1pm. I don't even feel tired tonight and I've been u[ 24 hours straight without even a nap. I don't think it is the addition of the thyroid med.
Now, if I can't sleep for two more nights straight, my psychiatrist is going to say that I'm entering a manic state of my bipolar disorder. I don't feel manic. I still feel depressed and am irritable, plus some parts of some days I have more energy to do things than others, but I can't wind down enough at night to sleep for my brain keeps thinking about random things. It is very important for people with bipolar disorder to have a stable sleep schedule and right now mine is off the hook!
I am going to try to go to bed and fall asleep.
Happy Valentines everyone!
Joan, I'm doing fine...still getting up several times every morning to suction mom. She now chokes on her saliva even though I have her on the side. Her tongue kindof sticks out and blocks the passage of the saliva from the mouth out. I hope you're also hanging in there all in one piece. Later...
(((((((hugs)))))) Joan
Prayers, hugs and love to all.
Sharyn - you are right - having both Gary and his dad in tears within a couple of days of one another did tug on my heart strings, They are usually stoic, and hold in emotions. However, I am glad they both felt safe enough to cry in my presence. It is a healthy outlet. I was most surprised at Gary's dad, as I have had so little contact with him, but at the same time pleased that he trusted me that much. Now he knows he can call anytime.
book - I think Gary is very stressed - guys like to take control of things, and these things can't be taken control of. I suspect he did go to see his mum, but, book, I cannot make that decision for him. She knows he loves her - he has been there for her and his dad many times - more than the other sons. They have a good relationship. His mum and dad accept me - the problem is really with the ex who controls the kids, but I can't do anything about that, so I have had to let it go.
I am at peace about, and will hear what is going on in due time. He has so much coming at him over work right now too. Major overload in many areas, I don't want to be an overload for him too. He, as I think with many other men, often needs to be left alone to deal with stress. Other times he will talk the hind leg off a donkey, and I listen. ;)
((((((((((((alabama))))))))) I am so sorry for the outcome and that you are going to have to keep dealing with this. I thought that there was a recomendation for someone out of the family to have "custody" - probably not the right term. It seems so wrong on many levels. I am glad you are appealing. It was not what your mu wanted at all, was it? (((((((((((hugs))))))))) keep in touch.
Hi to everyone else -hope you are doing reasonably well.
mywitsend - I bet you are enjoying the peace
susan - hope you have a place and a date for your fil to move out
margeaux, cmag, austin - how are you doing
mother is quiet, which is probably the calm before the storm, but I can't let it bother me
Taking my oldest grandson out for a meal tonight or tomorrow. He has moved up here and is looking for work.Nice to think about something else for a change.
everyone - let us know how you are ♥, hugs and prayers Joan
Sharyn, I’m glad of your updates on mom. The senior living community sounds great, too. I’m so sorry about your nephew (even if he is a step-nephew, he is still a nephew.) I hate cancer. I will keep you and the whole family in my thoughts and prayers.
Joan – so many things happening too much with Gary’s family these past couple of months. He must be really stressed and wondering why all of these are happening all at one time. Depending how quickly they found his mom’s heart infection, the less damage to the heart. But with her age and weakness (from old age), I guess she has an uphill climb. I know that Gary is busy with a lot of stuff and struggling with denial. But, Joan, he needs to go see his mom and tell her he loves her and make peace with his mom – JUST IN CASE she doesn’t make it. Or he will never forgive himself. I wish his family had accepted you. Because this is a time that Gary needs you. Since you’re not able to be there for him, you can do what my sis does when her hubby was deployed. Every day, she would text him that she loves him, miss him, etc… And he would text back. They’ve been married for over 10 years and they still say those word to each other…
HUGS to Everyone here!
Take care of yourselves and many hugs and love to everyone!
I am so sorry to hear about your bro's step son. How horrible for all of you, and particularly your sil. You are right, you can never totally be prepared. I will keep them in my prayers.
We have a situation needing prayer too. Gary's dad called a couple of days ago, and told me that his mum is in hospital and not doing well - an infection in her heart. She had a bypass 6 years ago. She is throwing up from the meds they are giving her and cannot ever speak to her husband. Dad was in tears on the phone. Gary left town just before that to go south to see Clay, his son with the head injury who is not doing that well since the surgery before Christmas, and then has to go to BC for a week for business. I managed to get a hold of him (his cell phone is acting up) and relay his dad's message, but haven't heard anything since. I know his mum's condition will hit him hard, I have mentioned to him that his parents are old, not in great health, and could go any time, and he doesn't want to hear it. I know he withdraws at times like this, so I will have to call south to find out what is happening. He has lots of work pressure right now too. Too much all at once!
I wish there was something I could do, but there really isn't. I feel so helpless up here. I have been fighting a bug of some kind as well - nothing serious, but I need to get rid of it.
Love and hugs to everyone. It is good we have oner another - and post all you want sharyn!!! :) Joan
I hope all is going well for everyone...mywitsend, did your mil move out over the weekend, I hope you are able to relax and get your marriage/family back normal.
Susan, So happy to hear that hubby finally realized what was going on and you now have his support. Envision, how are things going with you? I haven't really read up on everything, but I do hope you are well and getting some breaks.Joan, How is the food detection going? I hope Gary's son has some relief from all the pain. Margeaux, hoping you and hubby are feeling better health wise and regarding Vanilla. Cmag, hope you are feeling better and your wife is continuing to improve. Book, how are things going with your sister, I read you had some concerns with her smoking in the house, and now you are planning a visit from your brothers.
I will try to keep this short as I have been up since 4:30 am. The neurologist did not give a diagnoses yet. He wants an MRI on mom's brain and blood work first. Mom could not answer these questions: her age, memory recall on 3 words, could not spell world forward or backward, could not count backward from 100 by 7's (I would have to use my fingers after 86), didn't know who was president, what year it is or the month. So we wait for the result of the MRI and blood work. We went to IHOP after the appt. to give her something pleasant to focus on after the dr. visit. She wanted pancakes. I ordered a short stack for her (3 good size pancakes). I can't eat all in a short stack, she gobbled it all down, Lol!! I know she is not eating regularly, my goodness that is a lot of pancakes!! It took the dr. about 40 min. before he came in the exam room and while we were waiting, we were all quiet, then mom blurts out, "Is this what we are going to do all day!" We all started laughing, it was very funny.
Sis and I toured the senior living community. It is very lovely. Private rooms, some have shared bathrooms, some have private. It is like a hotel setting. We were very impressed. She can have her dog with her which would make the transition easier on her. We basically have to wait until we have authority to place her there and it also depends on what her LTC will cover. They have a library, computer room, laundry room, and all the planned activities. They play big band music from back in the day, pictures of Babe Ruth, Bogie and everything from the era that most of the residents remember from their younger years. The memory care unit uses the method called Expressions. It is based on expressions from the past such as "A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush." I could go on and on and you know I love to ramble so I won't say much more. Have a good night and hoping your week is a good one!!
Have a good weekend everyone!
mywwitsend - today is the day!!! Yay!!! - the mean and nasty will move out! What a blessing and a success story. You will need to keep your boundaries up even now, but I think you know that, I remember you wrote earlier that your mil needed to not live alone, but that a transition would be necessary. Good luck!
susan - all I can say us WOW! WOW! WOW! - bless God for moving in your family. I am so happy for you that your husband has finally seen what is going on, and this is working out. Your fil does need help, and you all are getting it for him, I di undertsahd being relieved that it is dementia.
lavender - I agree with cmag that therapy helps a lot. Is there a seniors program where they could pick her up and take her out to some social activities? Is it time for her be placed in a facility where there are social activities available in the building? Sounds like you need a break - some time for you. Another thought - does your mum need an evaluation? maybe some drugs could help her mood. cmag - hope you are feeling and sleeping better.
sharyn - backing away is a good thing sometimes. You have a lot on your plate, and your mum is declining. I read n another thread that you see deterioration. There is constant grief as they move downhill, and I see you going through that ((((((((((hugs)))))))
camilla - sounds like your lady had fun.I am glad you feel less isolated coming here. Sounds like you have been through a lot with this person,
Hi margeaux - yes, it is a pain being a food detective. I have had sinus problems/ allergies since childhood, and my food and medication sensitivities are getting worse Re soy - some has wheat - gluten in it and some not. You may want to find one without wheat and try it. I use VH reduced sodium soy and it is fine. Your neighbour who shared the kitty sounds pretty insensitive. Sounds lije your husband is away alot - G is gone again on business for a week, and a few days to visit with his son with the head injury, as it looks like he is not doing well. The surgery dragged him down.
book - how are you doing? It doesn't get easier does it? I hope your sis will help you a little more.
Candice -selfish siblings is a big topic here. Be sure to arrange for some respite for yourself regardless.
austin, alabama, envision, hollis, everyone - hope you have a decent weekend - be sure to take some breaks, be good to you, and let us know how you are doing,
♥, hugs, and prayers - Joan
I was thinking this morning, that probably the only people who will understand how relieved I am that this is dementia, are the people on this forum! Dementia we can understand, and there are some things that we can start to put in place to help immediately, and there are some medications we can use to help with the anger and the agression in the short term until the illness progresses badly to a point where we need outside help.
If I said to anyone else that I am releived to find out its dementia they would think I had lost the plot completely!!!!
There were a few things that made my hubby change his mind:
1) I kept asking him to put a camera up so he could witness it himself. He said he would ask his dad if he had done what I had said he had done, but of course dad would say no, so he thought I was exagerrating or misunderstanding, and then just plain being irrational when I lost the plot this week and yelled at FIL and him. He finally realised that if I was asking for a camera, that things were happening that his dad was not admitting to.
2) When things got heated yesterday, I came and got the voice recorder and put it on. He said when he saw me do that, he realised that it was because I needed him to hear it, so he decided to stay and listen out of sight. Thats when he heard it for himself, and he was horrified that this has been going on and he hasn't been believing me.
3) He had a long talk to his dad last night, when I was at gym (thank GOD for gym), and purposely tried to provoke anger, which he did, and he saw the anger for himself. He said he felt terrible doing it, but finally he saw it himself. He also saw the old man "space out" in the middle of the conversation for nearly two minutes, which really scared him, and then he had to remind him where he was. He also said the way FIL treated me was so unfair compared to how he treats his other daughter in law, and the old man said in such an angry voice, "for god's sake, I've never even MET her, so how could I treat her better?" She was with him for a month over November and he made such a fuss about her visit, it was his sole focus all day every day for the two months before she arrived, making us (me) all jump through hoops to prepare everything and make sure all was perfect for it. It is unbelievable that he a) forgot it, and b) can't remember ever meeting her.
We ended up last night with a huge forgiveness session directed at the old man. He let me hug him, he hugged my son and my husband, and we told him that we loved him and will do whatever we can to make this work with him because we loved him, so we have reassured him that he is ok, and loved, and wanted. There is no anger left, dad and son are ok again, and he has relaxed hugely. This morning I got up and gave him another big hug when I said good morning.
I gave him the cat yesterday to stroke, as I read that tactile therapy helps them to calm down, with stroking a cat or dog, or even a plush blanket, and that worked hugely.
But now I understand the drinking of 18 cups of coffee a day, the eating all day, the pacing up and down, the constant negativity and meanness, the anger, the rage if someone is in the bathroom at his bathtime, or if someone has eaten the last egg and he doesn't have one for his breakfast, or if someone is sitting in the seat he wants to sit in. It is an inability to do anything different to what his routine has been up until now. That I think is why the rage is so big ... he coped before because he had such a strict routine in place so nobody really saw it. Now the routine has gone, his grasp on normality has gone too.
It is so very sad really. Will feedback once we have done the doctor this afternoon.
Oh and PS: Hubby is back in the bedroom again, and very firmly back in the team. Thank you God! So, although it was Armageddon, it was a very neccesary battle I think. xxxxx
If it's dementia, be careful with FIL. In his mind, you will be blamed for the relationship break up with his son. You saw the anger in his face. Just be aware of him and his body language. You should be fine. But I sure hope you all find something quick but Decent. Please update us, okay? Thanks for giving us some good news. Later, book