notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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It is good to know that some long term care insurance does not cover dementia. Seems strange but good to know. How many people get dementia in old age? A lot,
from what I can tell.
I must apologize to everyone because I know I have been very self absorbed with my mom right now. Please know I am reading your posts and hoping and praying for all to receive an outcome that is favorable and doable for you all♥
I talked with Sonja and she of course was vague because she can't come out and say something that would jeopardize her position. She is already pushing the line just talking with me. I think the best situation is if I can convince my sister to let a CPA or the bank handle our mom's finances. It's not that I think my sister will embezzle money...but...the money issue may tear us apart because I don't agree that she let our mom lose the rebate and now has to pay $56.82. Sis should have to pay this realistically.
margeaux - so sorry about vanilla - he sounded like a lovely pet,
These stories from both of you about childhood are revealing and very sad and scary. It ends up that we feel that we are on our own from a very early age, and, in fact, we are.
alabama - I think someone outside the family is good, I am so sorry you have not been able to visit your mum on special days. and I am sorry your mum has had another fall. Hope this gets resolved soon.
mywitsend -wondering how things are. I think your son had a good insight. Mother tried to divide sig other and I at Christmas. Prayers for the move to go smoothly.
camilla - everyone's situation is different. i am sorry you have had such a bad experience with facilities. My mother is in an ALF and doing well there. We each have to make our own choices. Sounds like you are caring for this lady well despite your own problems. I don't think anything can stave off Alzheimers, but a loving environment could optimize her abilities
((((austin)))) - mother has always said she just wants my sis and I to get along, but she gets involved with games with my sis all the time . Mind you, my sis does not need any help - she is narcissistic too. I am sorry about the trouble with your brothers. It goes on and on... Glad you have sorted out things with your friend. It is not easy adjusting to some one else at this age I find. Too set in our ways.
lovingmom I so agree you should not have to give up your life entirely. Alz is a difficult disease to care for. I am glad you have decided against taking her in. Apparently, from reading here, the situation your mum is in, is not uncommon.
cmag - my mum planned for her old age too, thankfully and has managed her money well. She had to supplement my father's pension when he was in an ALF and she was working. (There was a large age difference between them, and his pension was such that she knew she had to work to provide for her old age.) The proceeds from the sale of their house was her main asset, and that has been managed well by her financial advisors over the years. Her financial advisor says she is good for another 8 years anyway and at age 100 that should be enough but who knows. She is trying to rope my sis and I in to agree to pay for some things, when she has enough to do it herself. I ignore it. If the time comes when she does not have enough we will deal with it then.
susan ((((((hugs)))))) - hope you get your fil into assisted living. You don't need the put downs, I am sorry that you have this in your home. It sounds like you work very hard to care for your fil.
fairydust - some do really not care about the effect they have on others. Sounds like she s a control freak. It becomes a power struggle.. My oldest son who is wise beyond his years sometimes, say let them have it when it comes to power struggles. Sometimes easier said than done.
Thinking of all of you - this is not easy. ♥, hugs and prayers Joan
Back in Jan. sis took mom to make homeowners insurance payment, went to the wrong office but they were associated so they forwarded the payment. Mom got confused because it was not the office she was familiar with so she has continued to be concerned that she didn't pay. I went to the right office a week later to get a copy of the payment to give to mom which she lost. The woman in the office told me that my sister never cancelled my mom's car insurance when she took the car. They were concerned since sis was not covered under mom's policy to drive the car plus mom was owed a rebate as the coverage should have been cancelled when sis changed names on ownership. She told me they were holding off on billing my mom because on Dec. 28 2012 it technically rolled over. They were basically cutting my mom slack due to the situation with Alz. I told sis about this asap. She assured me she would get it cancelled. You guessed it...it didn't get cancelled until Jan. 28, 2013. I took mom down to the office today to get another copy for her so she could see the homeowners was paid thru 8/13. The woman told me that the insurance on the car was cancelled but too late. So now my mom is going to have to pay $56.82 for one month of coverage plus losing the rebate. She has had since October to take care of this. I am waiting for Sonja (mom's insurance woman) to call me back. I am going to ask her to send me a copy of anything she sends to my sister. I am trying really hard not to over react on this because I know my sister was sick in January when I informed her about this. Really, is that how she is going to handle my mom's finances?? I will stop my rant now in case I have to eat my words later...but REALLY...golden girl of the family????
I feel bad for my sister because she has no one to vent to but me. I have had a year on this site to work out a lot of my anger and to learn from other's experiences. Her dr. put her on Zoloft for depression, I hope it helps her. I can't help but think her anger is her way of grieving. I told her that holding on to all that anger is only going to make her feel worse. She said she knows that in her head, but her heart won't forgive or let it go. I remember struggling with all those emotions when I was in therapy. The hard part with her is reaching her by phone. I send her emails now and don't call her on weekends. The DPOA is written that if she is not available for whatever reason, it falls to me. As far as our mom's medical care goes, I will continue to be the one who handles most of that which is what I have been doing over the last 10 years whenever something comes up. I tell my sister after the fact since I am here. She will have all the finances to deal with and have to report to mom's attorney and then give yearly reports to the court.
Go drink your cuppa joe and enjoy! I have a lot of running around to do with mom this morning. Hugs to you and enjoy this sun shiny day!!
I don't know if some of you remember I'd posted some time ago, about this wonderful cat, named Vanilla. My husband was given Vanilla 21 years ago.
Since my husband travels a lot, he would be gone sometimes for 3 mos. at a time, so he gave the cat to the neighbor, at some point. Well, they've shared custody of the cat for all of these years. I came into the picture later on, and really loved Vanilla also. Anyway, they had to put him down yesterday, and it was awful!
But, I know he lived a long life. It was interesting, because on Friday, I somehow had this strong feeling that possibly the cat may not be alive a week later. Then, he spent the night at our apt., this last Sunday, as he did so many times, when our neighbor was away.
Vanilla sat on our coffee table, and just kept looking at my husband, then he would look at me. It was as if he was trying to say something to us, and I really noticed that. I was so sad, yesterday! Well, may his beautiful spirit soar very high,
Margeaux
Sorry, last paragraph: cooperation from her that you can get, I haven't had my Joe yet. Margeaux
I completely agree with you that the story I related about my niece, was very scary.
I learned much about looking out for others, especially, since I became the little mother in our family. This is the reason I didn't have my own children.
My mother has exhibited some very negligent and stupid behavior when it comes to the care, and responsibility of the people she needed to do this for.
When I was five years old, and in kindergarten, I remember walking to and from school with a little boy in my classroom and with his grandfather. It was not a far walk to the school, but for a kid of my age, it was. Mom had to have been home at that time, taking care of my sister, and two younger brothers, since I'm the eldest.
I remember very distinctly, that my mom would wait for me to walk from the end of the cross street more than half of our block to our house. On one day as I did this, I was being chased by a huge great dane that was loose in the neighborhood. All my mom did, was watch me from a distance, screaming in fear of this dog right behind me. She did nothing to my aid. When I got to where she was, in our front yard, she was laughing at me.
Boy oh boy, what do they call these, epiphany moments?????? I was crying and of course very upset, as she did say something like, "you poor thing," but since she found it so amusing, believe me, "I totally got it, that day," even if I was only five years old. The message I got from that, was I couldn't rely much on mother for moral support. Gee, I couldn't even count on her in terms of keeping me from possible harm either. This in a nutshell has been in the background of much of the little relationship I had with mother over the years.
I know you've told us about the fact that your sister is supposed to be handling some of the legal aspects regarding your mom's situation, when the powers that be kick in.
What does she think it will be like then? O.K., Sharynmarie, again I hope your sister starts to feel better, and hopefully start to realize, that although she may feel hurt and all of that, which I know that's a normal response. But given your mom's condition, you are going to need all the cooperation from her that you need. But I feel for you especially in this regards. This is exactly what I go through with my own sister, who is the one calling all the shots w/mom. Hang in there!
Much Love & Light, Margeaux
I do not wish to be a burden to my kids, I am not narcissistic,
but I hope that if I do not want to go, I won't have to go, into a nursing home.
I worked in one, my grandmother with dementia was in the same one, at different times. The first thing they did with her was dope her up, within three months, she couldn't distinguish herself from the wheel chair they tied her into, with a posie? and they left her in it, day after day after day, until three years later they broke her hip and she died from complications. Something I would not wish on anyone.
The woman I take care of is 86 and has long term care insurance, but it does not cover dementia, at least not the middle stages, that might be something to check for, It is kind of like a homeowner's policy, that doesn't cover flood damage.
Going into a assisted living is different, if it is one that looks like an apartment, but she was in a one room, where she didn't know how to navigate, the space. It was one of those modern ones, looked quite glamorous, from the TV commercials, butit was huge and was not navigatible by someone with middle dementia
and if you can not navigate on your own, does not mean that someone, will assist you to the crackling fireplace to have an early evening snack with other clients or gathering to the fun stuff or that you can participate in the fun stuff.
Some people think the assisted living is all about programs, does not mean anything, if you have dementia. Hopefully, no one will get this horrific disease, it is quite devastating to watch, but we are better prepared these days.
I hope that by keeping her in a loving environment, that we can stave off the disease. She has made wonderful improvements, gained ten pounds and now that she is seeing her friends again, is not doing the drifting staring thing, but is still engaged in life. Something that would and was not happening at the assisted living. February 11, is only one week, good Luck!
That is a scary story you related about your mom with her granddaughter. I don't I could watch that and not get angry.
My sister is not doing well at all right now. She is very upset about the work situation. They are not reducing her salary so that is good and they told her she could still have time off when needed to help with mom. She hasn't been down much all of January, partly because she was sick. She just has so much anger towards our mom right now. She said she is sick and tired of dealing with mom's issues, complains that is all we talk about, LOL!!! Sorry but I find that statement funny considering my mother's situation right now.
I hope you are feeling better and your hubby is over the flu. Stay healthy, as I hear that norovirus is quite bad. Hugs and good health!!
It's good your mom got long term care insurance. I didn't hear about it until a few years ago.
My husband and I are looking into it but can't seem to get information about premiums. I think a lot of middle aged people today still don't think ahead and look into it. I think people put their heads in the sand about the issue. Nobody wants to think about going into a nursing home. People I know think my situation with my mom is unusual. I try to tell them it is not.
I'm happy to hear that your mom is pleasant for a change. Yes, possibly the anti-depressant is making a difference.
So how is your sister doing? Well I couldn't help but think about you, w/respect to your sister's news at her job, and how some of this could effect her ability to handle things down the road with your mom.
This story you told us about your parents and your son, I think is evidence of how little real parenting skills some people have, or grand parenting.
My mother also, while she was caring for my youngest brother's daughter, when he was supposed to have his daughter via the custody arrangements, never did because mother took over. This was the first grand kid, so at first mom seemed very involved. But I remember one day watching mother feeding this baby.
She barely allowed her grandchild to swallow a loaded spoonful of baby food, and she was shoving the next spoonful into that kid's mouth. It was awful to watch, and I had to tell her to stop doing this, as the baby could gasp. It was in these moments, that I realized how real little interest mother had as a grand parent, and a reminder of what must have occurred when we were that young.
O.K., I know that Feb. 11th probably can't come fast enough for you, and I'm thinking about you! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Like you, I have cabin fever. I am sick of winter and long to be out and about, that would cheer me up. Hurry up spring and hugs to you!
Susan- you know I so feel for you. A few months ago, I made an appointment for my husband and I to go llook at an assisted living place. We both agreed it was more than she needed, but it got the conversation between us going. Are there any siblings? Does FIL have other children or anyone he listens to? We have been enlisting the help of relatives she likes to email. They know full well how difficult she is, and were very helpful in suggesting to her repeatedly that yes, we are horrible, and she should get her own place. They were also helpful in letting us know what was going on in her head. Mostly, once we started the discussions of moving, we never let it die. If she backs out of this one, it will be highly unpleasant.
Margeaux- ha ha. The good witch. I love it. One day MIL was being particularly nasty, and my daughter suggested to me that I throw a bucket of water on her to see if she'd melt. Yes, I will think of myself as the good witch :). My mother was narcissistic, and my father is very passive. It always bothered me that he would sit quietly while my mother terrorized me. He told me once it was better to let the storm pass. I understand, but it was not fair to me or my sisters. Her storms left scars. I will not have my son believe that I would ever put MIL above him. My job is to protect him. Sadly, even from his grandmother.
Thank you all. I will let you know how it goes.
A BIG CONGRATULATIONS! What a revelation your son made to you, also that he picked up on the fact his grandmother was in the process of alienating you and he, from your own husband, for the purpose of having him to herself. I cannot see that this situation would have improved, if this is what a grandchild feels. He's intuitive, so are you. Well, and let's not leave your husband out of the picture either, because it being his own mother, you get the idea.
This is a great lesson for your son. Many of us here, who have experienced this aspect of abuse, when our own parent does not come to our defense can be some of the kind of abuse that can be understated, I feel in the bigger picture of abuse.
Your son in turn, will have learned from you his mother, about what it is in life, he should not tolerate! If you want to feel like a witch, don't forget..... there's the good witch too! Much Love & there's LIght! Margeaux
i had a kind of 'moment' yesterday, where i just burst into tears with him and said i don't know what else to do to please you ... he needed stuff from the chemist but of course here everything has to be done in german. his requests were complicated, so i got the original prescriptions in english, and then spent over an hour with our chemist trying to find the german equivalents and the generic brandings. got back, and gave him what i had brought, which obviously is different packaging ... he threw it on the table, said this is not what i want, and stomped off, bad leg and all. this after i have spent the day running around nursing him and catering for him because of his bad leg. i just burst into tears and told him how ungreatful, how mean, how hard and closed he is all the time, and what did he want from us, because at this rate he was destroying his son's marriage and family.
he has been ok today, but its weekend and his son is home.
we also went today to just price the assisted living centre down the road. first time my husband has said that he can't live like this forever either, that there needs to be some other solution. prob not this centre as its hugely expensive ....but its a step in the right direction.
will be holding thumbs that all goes well with her move, and that breathing space, calm and peace return to your home as soon as she's moved. lots of love, xxx