Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
It sounds as if what you are experiencing w/your mom at the moment isn't easy by any means. I remember while no one was yet living at mom's, this was before her diagnosis of the ALZ, was revealed to me and my three siblings. What we came to discover, was that she'd been diagnosed possibly a year prior, and was already taking some kind of anti-depressant. She and her narcissistic sister lived together.
In those days, mom physically was still the stronger of the two. My aunt had knowledge of our mom's condition, but they were keeping it from us. Mom was still driving back then, if you can believe it, which wasn't a good idea. I don't know if you remember a post awhile back in which I'd written about going there one day.
I found my aunt there at the house alone, and she told me my mom had gone close by, to get some milk. Well, my mom was gone for almost two hours, and I was on pins and needles waiting for her. By then, it was quite obvious mom, probably was disoriented, or lost. But anyway, my point being, that although, I understand your feelings about not wanting to hear about her condition, but really, it's better that you know not only for her safety, but also so you can start to pull some resources together for that time you will need more information to help you out. Believe me, I remember going over there to visit, and realizing mom's mental decline. They never seemed to have their answering machine hooked up, and working. So on one visit I set it up for her and my aunt. I then tried to give mom instructions about how to listen to messages. Of course I had to repeat it several times. In hindsight, after realizing she was well into having ALZ,
one day I thought about this. I felt bad about taking her through this answering machine lesson.
I could tell she was very confused. Later, it also occurred to me she was trying hard to feign that she was understanding the instructions given to her. This I know stressed my mom out, as I recall. We were so mad at her sister for not telling us, about mom's ALZ. But this too was the big dysfunction about the two sisters. I guess for my aunt, it was more important for her sister w/ALZ to still be available to her, as her caregiver & driver. Their attempt at control and independence.
Right after we found out mom was diagnosed w/ALZ, my sister had to have the discussion about taking the keys to the car away. This element of her sister's influence upon mother to make dangerous decisions, especially to still drive, had to come to a stop. We had to decide, "Well if it's upsetting two elderly stubborn women, vs. keeping them safe," we opted for the later.
I have gone through the grieving also. Although, mom has been a narcissist too,
she did have a personality. She could be funny, very sociable, always had great one liners. So given the change in her personality, (more withdrawn), I do miss that side of our mother. I have you in my thoughts big time, a good cry is good too.
Much Love & Lot's of Light! Margeaux
It's good to hear from you. Real happy to hear about your friend's progress after her surgery. That post about making it to 100 was funny! We had an aunt (grandmother's youngest sister) lived until 109 yrs old, passed in 2007. She was quite an amazing lady. One quality I remember about her is that she was always laughing, and making us laugh.
How is your mother doing these days?
O.K,, I hope you and yours are doing well. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Kicked me out of the mother's building, by telling Senior abuse that I was abusive, went to court, where they thought it a good idea to get a GAL, had an investigation, mother failed to thrive when they put her in the nursing home, sold her building, now living in an apartment with their mother and her son (8 months), whole experience 7 uears in the making and they still do not get it,
They do not even get that they were abusive to the mother, as well as the caregiver, important thing, the Mom is doing well. In the end the Narcisstic's are just that, narcisstic, they come from anywhere and in the end, can only blame themselves, but of course, I can go to bed at night with a clear and clean conscience. Glad to find the blog, hugs when yo need them and prayers when you think you don't. Narcissism doesn't belong to a generation, it is their way of life and their slant on reality. Empower yourself by letting go, their strength comes from watching you suffer, thy manipulate just so secretly, they can laugh brhind your back, once your focus is yourself and your strength, a narcissis' has to move on for another victim, think vampires, emotional vampires. You need your strength, for the real job taking care of yourself while caregiving. Kindred Spirits, I wish you all well, above all else be kind to yourselves.
My mother would have these "bouts" of confusion to where I would be "slightly" attacked verbally and some days almost brought to tears. One day both of my brothers came to see her and had heard some of the bad things she would say to me. They couldn't believe what they had heard (when she left the hospital and I told her of this, she didn't even remember saying them). I had later found out that for the elderly, urinary tract infections can cause some confusion and to keep an eye on that. One of the patient service reps had told me that she would need "at home care" to help her to get back to walking again (she was having a little bit of a problem with that). I had told them that I would not know where to begin with that and they suggested that once her "physical condition" was better, they could then try to admit her to a nursing home facility for physical therapy. She was there for about 3 1/2 months (due to Medicare only "picking up the tab" for that length of time) and then she stayed with me for a while (I was having her kitchen and bathroom "renovated" for her).
All that I can say is that I have been there for her...taking care of her and making sure that her house is taken care of (it has some issues that need to get fixed that I just can't do and she can't afford). I've been out of work for a little more than 2 yrs. (but I've been looking for work) and it just hasn't been easy. She helps me a little bit with my bills and I'm using my savings to try to hang on. I now am embarrassed to say that I'm going to see if I can get help for food stamps (I pay her bills and groceries, but there's just not enough of my money for food). I try to do the best that I can for her, but it's hard and it can get very overwhelming on some days....especially when I have no help with all of this. She has arthritis in her left knee, to where it's starting to affect her walking. I don't live close to her (I'm about 30 mi. away) and I have to drive out there to help her. I have two brothers (one is about 10 min. away, but because of his work, he can't help...my other brother is in KY), but it's fallen on my shoulders. I can't tell you how many nights I cry because I just wish I could do more for her....find work so she doesn't have to help me....or just wish that I could change places with her. I don't want her to know of my being upset about this....she has enough to worry about as it is and I don't want her to have to worry about anything! I don't mind taking care of her...after all, she's my mother and if it wasn't for her and my father, I wouldn't even be here. Plus, when my father was in ill health (colon cancer), I promised him that I would take care of my mother. The only thing that is hard for me, is not having anyone to "talk" to when things get hard for me. I just pray every night that things will get better and that MAYBE I'll get lucky and find some kind of work that I can do off of my computer (which would be easier for me to do, since I'm taking care of her). It's just nice to know that reading these blogs lets me know that I'm not alone! God Bless all of you caregivers! Maybe there's a "special angel" looking down on us?.....
I'm am really happy for you that you've made that appointment for the 11th.
Hopefully the neurologist will finally evaluate your mother. Do you think maybe that since your mom has only been on this new medication a couple of weeks, possibly something is going on for her in terms of an adjustment to it?
It occurred to me regarding those phone calls she receives about the possibility of registering her phone number(s) on the "Do Not Call List." Right after the New Year I started to receive way too many advertisement calls on my cell phone. So my husband found the number for our carrier, and we re-registered our numbers.
Your mother's carrier should have a number for this.
I remember when my sister started to have more problems w/our narcissistic aunt w/respect to her declining health. Since my sister didn't have MPOA of her, and was living in the same household, the situation started to get very sticky, between the lack of cooperation on my aunt's part, and some very necessary medical and caregiver decisions going on there. I remember that she finally became connected with some social workers. They seemed to give her referrals, or ideas as to how to start some kind of process for my aunt.
This really must be a challenge to say the least with your sister. O.K., I'm thinking about you. Take care of yourself, and do take the deep breaths! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My Mom had total knee replacement surgery in feb 2012, my sister talked Mom into putting her on Mom's bank account with ATM card while she recovered so she could pay the bills well she did a lot more than that. My brother who had cerebral palsy was on hospice at the time and two younger sister also special needs live in Mom's home so do I. I was very busy taking care of all of them but was noticing that my sister had plenty of money to spend, her not having a job I looked into it come to find out she had been doing online transfers of my brother & sisters social security money into Mom's account and using her ATM card to withdraw it my Mom is payee not my sister . As my brother got sicker I stayed by his side 24/7, 4 months later he passed away. Last month Mom had my sister taken off bank account after finding out what she had been doing , now my sister keeps calling Adult Protective Services making false reports on me to get me out of the way, then she plans on having Mom claimed incompetent and be her payee & my 2 sisters. My Mom and I haven't even had a chance to deal with my little brothers death and now this. Grieving & Stressed !
They are no longer allow on my property that I rent from my landlord. I know them both real well and went to school with both of them. I just could not deal with the stress and trying to be a babysitter for my best friend which she is borderline narcisstic person. She has all sorts of issues and now is mad at me cuz I not only lied but inform the police she call me when she had no contact rule based on her conditional release. You can't help everyone and I learn that I had reach a more mature level of growth than her. She is still trapped with paranoia and fear; besides binge drinking and severe epileptic etc . I do not regret calling the cops cuz regardless of the neurospinal surgery she had done for spinal meningitis and double pneumonia. She is also very aggressive and violent. Its hard to imagine someone you know all your life turns on you because you wanted peace. After I call the police I made the decision that they had to move out because they were not trying to get a place to live and I was helping her husband get his disability. She can't take care of the kids because of her medical state and surgery and he can't take care of the kids cuz he has no jobs. So i know a borderline vs bipolar and I could not take the risk of her unpredictable behaviour and her drinking. They cannot come near me and the funny part is that she wants me to lie to a judge. I am not showing up or testifying n purger myself for her. She needs big time mental help so now for now I can deal with the color of black; being her frienemy. I had to get my short term anxiety medication increase so that I can find a way to deal with all of this. I hope the Good Lord Blesses me and allows me to keep my job still but I am also mad that my husband's ltc plan changed their call center hrs so now i have to find a way to get him to his appt on tuesday and pay the baby sitter. The only relief I have is that my family life is back as normal as can be and I can breathe. I am not suffocated anymore or feel like I am going to crack. As for others on this thread wishing you luck and prayers in these tough trials we all are living and going through. Peace N God Bless:)
We never heard from APS. I am thinking that the report from her dr. was a standard report he has to do by law when a dr. advises that a patient can not be living alone to protect himself as well as the patient. If that is the case, then APS may not respond. However, if my mother has a tantrum at the neurologists office and refuses to cooperate with a memory screening, we will have to call them or the Area Agency on Aging requesting a social worker. I offered to call them but her dr. said no, I will do it. I am confused as to why nothing came of it. My sister did call APS a while back and they told her we needed to file for a conservatorship which I will not do because of the cost and how long it takes to get one. If the neurologist recommends incompetency, we will have to go court at that time for a judge to decide. Until that happens, we cannot place her so it could be a few months before this is all settled and I can breath knowing she is safe 24/7. My original question on the other thread was should I take some time off work until things are settled? We will see what the neurologist has to say and recommend.
On to the humor that gets us through these times, living to be 1,000, Lol!! I laughed at your response Joan. I am glad your friend will be ok. Breast cancer twice is rough and she will have a recovery to come through as well.
Good night all and Hugs to everyone!!
She's already checked herself in and out of the same assisted living place twice, but then decided to stay home with some hired help who she managed to anger like she manages to do with everyone but cannot see it that way. Her hearing is terrible and her mind is slipping, but she has this idea that new hearing aids will make her hear like she was 21 and that she will somehow get better than she is. She's terrified of the idea of dying, but has always been rather religious, but it's had no impact on her narcissism.
I've told my wife that without Medical POA they are going to be helpless when their mother's health seriously declines which will mean they will have to file for guardianship which will not be pleasant. My wife realizes that and sees the tough road ahead of her and her sister.
At least with my SIL having Durable POA, when her mother's health declines to the point of not being able mentally and/or physically to do her business, then Debra will be authorized to do that which I guess will include paying people to care for my MIL at her home until she dies.
Right now my MIL is in a nursing home that she checked herself into and once again she does not like it and plans to stay there until April 1 when she plans to return to her duplex which will mean expecting my SIL and BIL who are in poor health themselves to help my MIL to move once again.
I can't begin to tell you how many houses she has bought to live in, apartment she rented, condos she bought and duplex she has built. She cannot stay in one place very long at all nor can she handle living with herself, but she can't see how she isolates people (typical borderline 'don't leave me, I hate you').
I'm glad that my mother planned for her long term care with an insurance policy and giving me both POAs before she started really going down hill, but she was resistant to the assisted living idea that her neurologist told her to do and she was resistant to use the riders that her long term care policy had for home health care and home builder care. However, that major stroke and her hip breaking made the situation such that the nursing home was the only reasonable option left although my step-dad did not like it nor does he like me having POA. Mum really should have told him years ago when she did this.
Love, hugs and prayers for all!
God Bless
joy I am glad you did get away for her. All those negative messages do harm us. I don't know if you do have a narcissistic borderlne personality - as you are aware. The ones I know are not aware at all - that is part of it. I am sorry you feel you have destroyed relationships. Maybe something will work out with one of your kids at least, eventually. It is not over till it is over. I have had my uos and downs with mine too, and still am with my daughter. ((((hugs)))) Life is not easy.
Hollis - you are right you are leading an abnormal life. Is there anything you can do for you to make it more normal - like getting out with some "normal" people. I don't think it is terrible of you at all to hope to get out of your situation. Could you arrange for some respite? I don't see you wishing any harm on your mum - just wanting a life of your own and an end to caretaking in this form. I would be very resentful if I felt I had to stay in my room. I had to do that when I used to visit mother, as it was so stressful. I couldn't take more than a few days of it.(((((hugs))))
envision - yes, it seems what we fear does come to pass sometimes. A therapist recently said to me - "It can't be much longer". I don't believe it! lol
Keep on hanging in there, and RELAX. You are doing fine.
book - how are things at your house?
jerlisha - glad you are getting away - you need to plan more of that! 13 years is too long without a break!!!
Jessie - my story - the one like yours - is that the summer when I turned 16, and we were with family at my grandfather's cabin, an aunt drew me aside and told me that they all knew it was difficult for me because of my mother, that she had always been like she was, and that of there was anything they could do to help they would. I don't believe they said anything to my sister, who was the "golden child". Over the years, that meant so much to me. It was an early statement that it wasn't me -not my fault, though my mother gave me the message very strongly as a child that most things that were wrong in her life were my fault -or my father's. It was a Godsend!
alabama -wondering how you are, and what has happened re the court decision. Like you, I am about ready to walk away from it all. I am executor and would not be suprised if, when mother dies, my sister takes me to court. For years, she has planned to get all the inheritance.
envision -only you can stop you from being taken advantage of. I know it is a hard lesson, but focussing more on you and your needs is healthy -just say "No"
austin - looks like you are up and at it again! Good.
hollis - how are things going?
joymoon - sometimes we have to draw some pretty firm boundaries with our children - no fun, but neceaary
cmag - looks like yoir wife is on the way to becoming independent again!!!
capn - sounds like you have things worked out well with your mum. I think they need someone firm, and I totally agree -she should do as much as she can on her own. My mother is a physiotherapist and we were brought up to do for ourselves. She is reaping the benefit of that now. I remind her of that and urge her to do as much for herself as she can. She has told me that she can do more than she thinks she can! I don't buy the helpless act very often.
Margeaux - you have some good insights - yes the relatives will put things aside for a while, if they think they need us, or can use us. It is something to be aware of. Also they will accept no responsibility for trouble that they have started. It is always someone else's fault.
However I have forgotten - not intentional -chalk it up to a stuffed up head due to the cold. I am taking everything I can think of to get rid of it.
I just got over one cold and looks like I have another one -G came home with one yesterday. Aaaargh.
My friend had her surgery Tuesday, and got through it well. They took two lymph nodes neither of which showed any metastases, so it looks like she will be OK.
I just about had a bird when i read what a well known researcher on aging -Aubrey De Grey - wrote: "the first human who will live up to 1,000 years is probably already alive now," My first thought was "Oh Lord, that will be mother." She has made it to 100 already. It was enough to depress anyone. My seond thought was that I would have to be the second person to live that long, so I could have some peace on this earth. LOL - I can't imagine!!!
Take care every one. Remember you are at least as important anyone else, and you are more responsible for looking after you, than anyone else is.
♥, higs and prayers - Joan