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Margeaux, I don't take my step-dad's desire for my mother to go home seriously. I think he and his helper often encourage my mother up to calling me on the phone and telling me she's ready to go home. Sometimes she will mention on the phone that she thinks that she might be going home. I get out of these conversations about I'm ready to go home right now by telling her that I cannot make that decision, the doctor connected to the nursing home can and the way I can get his opinion is through the social worker. After I get off of the phone, I then call the social worker at the nursing home and tell her what is going on with mom and she will go and talk with her covering the same reasons as has been told to her before as to why she can't go home.

envision, I didn't learn boundaries either growing up with a narcissistic mom.

Thus, in the past it was easy for various people to use me up until I got angry and said "I want my life back, but I don't know what that means." Ever since, the end of 2002, I've been learning about placing boundaries with people so they will know what I will and what I will not tolerate in how they treat me.

I'm sorry that you didn't learn boundaries as a child either. I'm not a therapist, but I am sure one would be able to help you know where to start setting boundaries plus have some concrete consequences for when they get broken. From an earlier post, it sounds like you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your dad, your son and your husband. That is no way to live.
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Margeaux, "they'll use you up." that is exactly how I feel. I guess I don't know where to start setting up boundaries. We didn't learn that as children. The only boundaries in our house were stay out of dad's way, and do what he tells you to do, when he tells you to do it, as fast as you can do it, and you better get it right, or he WILL knock the crap out of you. So I run around trying to keep everything right, and everyone "happy." Well, it has gotten to point that I feel like it is killing me, or I want to die.
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Cmagnum,

That is a big step, for your wife to have graduated to a cane, no pun intended.
I'm so happy for you and her, Cmagnum. Well, given previous posts about your step dad, I hope you are not taking his calls about having your mom come home there w/he and the helper seriously. But this and I'm sure the calls from your mom thinking she is coming home, still however must be difficult to hear too.
Sharynmarie made a good suggestion. They are in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Envision,

I have learned that the more we cater to people, especially when you are in a dynamics with you being a woman, if they are the high maintenance types, you must start to set some limits with them. When all people do is expect from you, and continue to demand more, sure it is not fair. Maybe you have to really start to take into account the boundaries you could set up with all of these men in your life.
I have a sister who is in charge of our mom, and although they have paid caregivers, she lives w/her, so picks up the slack when they aren't there.
She still has a grown daughter who is now 23 living there w/her. This daughter isn't that helpful, nor accomodating. When my sister has complained to me about issues especially about the daughter, I know at the root of it is the fact that mommy still does too much for her, and I don't know why because this girl has shown over and over again her lack of consideration and being very ungrateful.
Demands were made of me all the time during my childhood by my parents because I was the eldest of their children. But when I was a young adult, I finally realized I was going to have to set very strong limits, as to what I was going to involve myself with and do for them, or I would never have my own life. I am aware, that when it comes to our husbands, this can be a stickier area.
Now I'm going to kind of tell on my husband, whom I love, I might add.
But e.g., I like to cook, because I place an importance on our nutrition.
So of course, I admit, I kind of spoiled him in that area. But when we are strapped for time, and he's wanted me to make some fancier dinner, I started to become very frustrated, and somewhat annoyed at this. So now, I take into consideration what else is going on, and make a less time consuming menu. It's still good, just maybe not something as tantalizing for him. This is one way I've put my foot down in this area. I have somewhat had to take on an attitude, of "well, if you don't like it, you can get into the kitchen and cook for us tonight, or take me out!"
Please try to find a way to work around the demanding people in your life,
because if you don't, they'll use you all up. I'm doing that more and more, and it's really also about knowing who these people are, but not allowing them to manipulate us. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Exhausted today :( Yesterday, dad had a doctor's appt that conflicted with my son's doctor's appt. Both appointment important, but dad's could have been rescheduled. Both son and dad were having fits about getting to their appointments. Both being selfish and only thinking of of themselves. Crisis averted when dad's dr had to be rescheduled because the dr didn't have the lab results for his appt. I didn't get my Rx filled because of all this. And then hubby comes home grouchy, he thinks he is the only one that works, because he gets paid for his job, The house is a mess today, because I was to busy all day, and to tired to clean up last night. Everyone in this family only thinks of themselves, and they don't appreciate me, just get mad at me when I can't get enough things done to make all of them happy. THANK YOU for listening! I guess I will start the day with last nights dishes, and then do it all over again today...
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Both my parents are passed on but have left me with the dysfunction. I live alone in a very large house in a very rural area. My kids both do not speak to me over stuff that they did as teenagers. My son lived with my abusive mother for the last 10 years of her life and he basically became her. I will not tolerate a 29 year old man who has never worked and inherited all the family property and belongings and has never worked a day in his life. My daughter was severely affected by my mother and sons antics and started having sex at 13, then started cutting herself and more(smoking pot, etc.,) so I allowed her dad to take her. She did graduate from college this May and wanted to start a relationship with me on HER terms which was one email a week to get to know me and possibly one phone call a month till she thought it was safe enough for her to see me. I am heading for 65 years of age, see a therapist once a week, do not drink or drug and refused her boundaries after 4-5 months, was I wrong? She was telling me about her 20 something antics and her drinking, drugging and how terrible her dad was to her. She is now living with her dads mother who is 89 and working in Manhattan but still unchecked from both me and her dad.
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Crossbarer, I was raped by my bro and my sis molested by my dad. Both bro and dad go to church thinking they are born again Christians. I don't think they realize they still have to stand before God and answer to Him. You are right about the scars being left. However, you are no longer a victim but a survivor. It is NOT wrong for you to ask when it will end. I know you made a promise but sometimes promises have to be broken. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!! Death bed promises are not the best kind to make. You did so to comfort the woman dying to make it easier on her. You've done your best. Personally, I think you have gone above and beyond. Maybe you should look into having him placed into a care facility. No one will fault you for having cared for this "mentally sick" individual. You do have options. But first off I think you need to put you first. My heart hurts for you and the predicament you are in. Have you sought counselling for yourself and your past? If not, you need to. It does help. But seeing the person who violated you every day doesn't allow you to heal. This is about YOU. Not the one you are tending to. {{{{{{{{Cross}}}}}}}}}
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Feeling like I'm loosing my mind!! Dealing with someone with stage 4 heart failure, liver and kidney issues and that doesn't even compare to his sexual and mental issues. I was bound by a promise to a dying woman that I would care for this thing that crushed my soul, my childhood, my inner woman, me as a human at a very young age. I am stressed out fully and just wanting to scream on a roof top but knows that will do nothing to relieve me from the agony I deal with on a daily basis! How he confesses to a priest , looking for sympathy his filthy actions and thinks he can be forgiven by "god" and continue to manipulate and take advantage of nurses and aids for pure personal and mental satisfaction! He knows he can no longer take advantage of me in that manner but the mental scar he has left will last forever. I have done my best taking care of him, being his maid, his taxi, his cook, tend to his wounds, his personal hygiene and I will have to continue to do so until the end. Is it wrong for me to ask when will this end? How's that for dysfunctional?!
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Envisionow,
As to your question about how you can lose some pounds, if I may ask what is your diet like? I have a friend, who recently had some very high blood pressure reads. I was searching the internet for ways to help her, since she was very reluctant to be on the medications for it. In my searches I read over and over
again, there's plenty of information suggesting people w/HPB,
who are overweight, would lower it by losing some weight.
The usual advice about losing weight, of course is to cut out the fatty foods.
If your diet consists of high fat like meats, cheese then maybe you could limit some of that. HPB diets will usually suggest you eat leaner cuts, or chicken (not fried, and take the skin off), and fish. My husband loves meat. I can eat it, but not as much a fan as he. Last night I made some hamburgers. I cleaned up the kitchen, but not the pan I cooked the meat in. Today, I looked at that pan, and I couldn't believe how much fat had hardened in there. Gross!! I limit some of this also, because my husband has high cholesterol. I prefer to buy something such as ground turkey, but he prefers the beef. I need to look at fat content next time we buy it.
There's plenty of information about this on the internet.
Of course, snacking usually for many people consists of the junk items, such as chips, candy, ice cream-which is very fattening, well, you get the idea, oh and not to leave out the drinks such as Coke, and similar drinks.
I have a theory that many people are overweight because they're somewhat mal-nutritioned. One keeps eating things that the body really does not need, isn't satiated, and you feel hungry. This just ends up adding more pounds.
I really believe that someone with HPB needs to exercise. This in conjunction w/proper diet will help you shed the pounds.
As Sharynmarie stated, take small steps, but take them! Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
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Emjo,
I guess the regret about our family circumstances can be for different reasons.
I know this is why I was so fed up w/the Christmas disaster a couple weeks ago,
because it takes some effort on my part, I'm sure anybodies to get some gifts together for my great nieces and nephews (they now the children) basically the main gifts I gave this year because they're kids. I'm not close to any of their parents, not in the real sense, as in we keep in touch, we call each other, etc.
Then because of turmoil caused and fan the lames so to say between them, I get to hear about it too much from my sister. Yes, I do agree we can become regretful for the way relationships are. Sometimes, we have no control over that either. The best anyone can do, is to acknowledge this fact, then distance oneself.
You hit on something here too Emjo, the fact that you realize things have changed for you in the last 5 yrs. Many times when I've seen the different things my sister still attempts to do, not only w/the care of my mom, but also all the other things, I do get concerned about her health, and whether she's overdoing it.
Let's face it, no one is getting younger, and we have to bear this fact in mind.
Sometimes, I think it would be wiser to not play and replay that negative dialogue in our heads about our dear mothers, fathers, family, friends. whomever it is that you feel is either pushing our buttons, or being draining of our energies. We really need to have some on reserve for ourselves. O.K., Emjo realizing this is a big step! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Hi to everyone!

It has been a busy two days off work taking care of things with my mom. I have thought about using some of my sick leave for selfish time off and not letting my sister know I am off work. I don't know if my dr. would go along with it by authorizing time off for being sick. I should call the union to see what guidelines are for using it. I could use a week off just to take care of things here at home and some down time to take some photos .I can dream!! I am pooped today, we got a new comforter set and sheets for the master bedroom and OMgosh, rotating the mattress by myself did my lower back in. I love the colors, the sheets are a dark red and the comforter is a camel brown. The sheets match the curtains and a silk flower arrangement I put together. Sweet dreams of us tonight and thermacare wraps for my lower back!! Hugs to everyone!!
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Envision~I too am on HPB meds and need to lose about 30-35 lb. I don't know if you can get out to walk. Take baby steps and start by walking up and down your street. extending it as you build up your stamina. I have lost 13 lb. just by not eat chocolate daily, Lol!! Yes I am a chocoholic but over the last 3-4 months I just haven't been eating it in the evening like I have been for "many" years. Hugs to you!!
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I have gained 30, going on 40 lbs since I started taking care of my Dad. Now I am on high blood pressure meds. Also, hurt my back when my Mom was on Hospice, and it continues to "go out." I am taking Rx meds for this as well. I feel so unhealthy, and years, and years older, and it has only been three years. I would really appreciate suggestions on little steps to get my health back on track. I feel so heavy and tired, ALL the time. Thanks, Teresa
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Cmag~I am happy to hear you wife is progressing to a cane! This must a load off your mind. Now all you have to do is get your thyroid levels up. I know it is hard when your mother calls wanting to come home. It really is best to detach from those calls as best you can. It sounds like your step-father is not in a position to take care of her and it will only cause stress and confusion for all concerned. Keep us updated on your health and your wife's progress!!
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Book, step-dad and his helper would be lost within days and mom might be dead. He's 87 and in a wheel chair, His helper is someone that my mom hired off the street before her stroke and broken hip to help them at home. She also sits with another person from the afternoon until 11 pm when she goes back to my parent's house. My step-dad needs care to the degree that the helper now lives in the house with him. His short term memory has gotten really bad lately.
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Hi Everyone...

Cmag, I'm glad that your wife is slowly but surely improving. As for your mom, 4 yrs! of her still constantly asking to leave the NH...Too bad step-dad and his helper can't "borrow" her for a month (requirement that they fill out the month of her being with them). They will learn the hard way that she needs to be in NH.
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Yesterday was quiet, but today my mother called me up this morning back on her theme of "I want to leave the nursing home." Poor thing thinks she can walk and do all sorts of thing like she once did which she has not been able to do for almost 4 years now. I know that my step-dad and his helper do not like her being in the nursing home which make me wonder if they get her on this theme of going home.
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Emjo---how do you keep up with yours, theirs, and ours lol....truly a Wonder Woman!!! I can relate about feeling adopted...now I wish i had been!! At least it would give me a way out, but my nose gives it all away. On my end...my mum and I had a terrible knock down (again). She caught me crying in the kitchen, and asked what was wrong. I told her I cannot continue this way...Of course the next 4 to 5 hours were dedicated to reaching into the arsenal bag to see what we can throw. However, a most interesting development!!!!! I have wrote in journals for years. I happen to be reading an entry from 2009. My mother believes that I have an anger problem, but it is stemming from a past love. I do have anger, but not over him! It is her and everything I had to shoulder while moving her and caregiving her and her brother. I'm at the end of my rope. Ah...but the journal came to save me. The very beginning of this particular journal was dated July 2009. It has the same type arguments, the same outcomes, the same reactions by Mother. The difference was the mannerism I had in writing over the situations. You could tell that I was loving, caring and protective over my mother (haha..codependent). Upon further reading and talking with her, we discovered how she always HANGS onto what people have done to her, or said to feel not valued. She can remember things back as a child, to best girlfriends, her husband, and kids. In fact she went off on how someone badly treated her at a function over 10 years ago. She was visibly mad and yelling reliving the moment. Now..im not a shrink, but that does indicated some bitter resentment and holding unto the hurt like a loving child. I asked if she might consider that she could be clinically depressed for these past 10 years or even manic? You could tell that i hit a nerve. Perhaps even a good one. I suggested that we bring it up next time we see Ms. Shrink. Mother hasn't said anything because she is afraid this will be the start of taking pills, and well, you know...going down that road. I was very honest with her and told her this is where my own anger comes from by even reading my journal aloud to her. You could tell that I wrote as a loving caring daughter trying to figure out why my mom was so upset and why we disagreed. I have had to live with this negativity for the last 10 years (and more). I cannot deal with it any longer for fear of my own health. It "seemed" like a break through for now. We will see what it brings, because maybe it wont be remembered tomorrow. I hope peace of mind. I hope peace in all of our minds for all the situations we all are enduring. Peace be with us, even if it is for one goodnight's sleep. Love to all those who have lost there loved ones. Our best friends.
Thank you for all you love and support--big hugs for all
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Joan, today has been a quiet day for me as well. I am still waiting for the full impact of my thyroid med to kick in. I finish a month of it on Friday and get my 6 weeks test to see how it is doing in two weeks. It will not surprised me if my doctor increases my dose.

My wife went to PT today and learned she is now ready to use a cane! Yeah, no more walker. This long journey of getting her fully mobile again is about over.
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Thanks all.
Quiet day today,
(((((sharyn))))) - those feelings do creep in - but people who have not had to deal with personality disorder/narcissism don't have a clue about our situations. I have the same regrets as you do - that family relationships were and are as they are. I am starting to regret that I did not draw firmer boundaries sooner, that I put up with as much as I did, that I got sucked in as much as I did, and did not protect myself more. This is very different from the regrets a person might have who has healthy family relationships. I don't think I will regret not seeing more of her, as seeing more of her invites abuse. It is so different from a normal family. Sounds like you are the scapegoat - no fun, I know it well. You are doing all a person can do - please know that and have oeace about it.
book - will you have any regrets about not looking after yourself better? I would not be surorisewd if your siblings have few regrets. I think they are quite happy with their choices, and that you do the work. they do not have your conscience.
MyWitsEnd - I like your suggestion for sharyn to take a break, if she can, but agree it is better to stay in the house - I am sorry that your MIL rejected assisted living. I hate the black cloud but agree with austin that it shouldn't be only her choice. caregiving is very hard on people.
austi -you are so right - we do the best we can with these difficult people. -and that is all we can do.
Things have changed for me in the past 5 years. I just cannot give/put up with what I used to. The stress is harder on me and a point has come where I have to pay attention to that and prtect myself more. Mother is now saying that she understands that I can't help her because I have Gary and a life with him. She has conveniently fogotten that Gary and I dealt with all her belongings when she moved out of her apartment. He is most willing to be helpful but she has rejected him. But is makes a good story for anyone who will listen, and she can play the "poor me" role.
margeaux -I know the feeling of not being related. I am so different to my mum and my sis. We have been brain washed to feel guilty. Sounds like you are doing a good job of detaching. Getting rid of emotional residue is important in keeping ourselves well.
sharyn - interesting that your bro used to say you were adopted

Thinking of you all - alabama, hollis, riz -what is happening with your bro, cmag - my memory is not good tonight - everyone -wishing you a good evening. ♥, hugs and prayers Joan
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Margeaux~I am glad that you have been able to put all that nastiness of Christmas behind you and keeping the distance between you and your sister. I had to chuckle when you said you wonder how you can be related to them, Lol!! I have wondered that myself with my family. My bother used to tell me when I was little that I was adopted. Later I would laugh when I thought about that because I would think...it sure would explain a lot if I had been adopted!

I am not angry at Stacey for talking to me yesterday because I know it came from her heart and her Christian beliefs that "In Christ, we have no regrets." Like all of you, I know that God is with me every time I am around my mother because it is not my power that gives me the patience, compassion, and energy to be there for her. Like all of you, because of our family dynamics, our mental and emotional and physical well being is very important if we are to be of any use to our parents, spouses, children and grandchildren and even our employers. I have peace with all this. Margeaux, I will look up Gary Craig and EFT, thank you!! Hugs to you and everyone find peace in your heart, take care of your health!!
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Austin~Thank you so much!! You certainly have nothing to regret as you did go beyond the limits for your husband and mother. I am happy to hear that you know in your heart you did everything you could for them. Bless you!!
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Sharynmarie,

If I may suggest for you to look up a technique started by a man named Gary Craig, called EFT. This stands for the Emotional Freedom Technique.
I use this to clear my body of some of the emotional residue. It works for me.
Much Love, Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,
Thank you for asking about my family.
I'm doing much better from that fiasco over at sister's and mothers.
I have not been calling her much, because I got really bummed out to hear about the last dosage of all the back biting and refusal of everyone to be kind to one another. Besides, for me Christmas is not all that. I think people should act humane, everyday of the year, not just during some season.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm not related to these people.

When I read the first sentence of the paragraph your manager, making the remark about "regrets," I realize that she is well intentioned, but sometimes, the selection of the words people choose gives away some of their projection about a situation I'm sure you wish to keep private, especially at work. You're doing a lot, and are managing it the best way you can. Regarding your sick leave, and insurance, this is quite understandable.
The manager for however well intentioned she was to say this to you, the part about making sure you not put your job over your mom's care, etc., I believe she's crossed a boundary here too.
Well, please try not to allow other people to push your buttons.
It took me a very long time to disengage from guilt about the fact that I wasn't doing yet another task, taking on a responsibility that really my parents should have been attending. But at some point, I came to realize that some of it was my own self imposed guilt, just because I was so brainwashed and accustomed to this.
Anyway, Sharynmarie, you do what you can. But even as one must be careful to take care of their physical health, I really feel it important to take care of the mental health aspect, and how we look at the caregiving situation also.
Try not to doubt yourself, you are valued by us!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Emjo,

I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend.
Peace to your friend. Hugs to you, Much Love, Margeaux
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Shary all you can do is what you are able to and not have regrats-my husband and I went to a therapist together and of course he had plenty of complaints about me and that I was not perfact like him and she said sometimes good enough is good enough. I was good to my mother and all she did was criticize me and not that she is gone I know in my heart that I did the best I could with how she treated me-and also with the husband-I did beyond the best I could -both of them were very difficult people to deal with.
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MyWitsEnd~You are very right that people who were not raised with dyfunctions such as abuse and addictions can't get their minds around it. I like Books suggestion of letting it be known that there are 3 of us covering her care. I just can't take a couple days off using sick leave, it has to be arranged thru the union and I have to be off more days than 2 to qualify for it. I think the whole thing just triggered old pain and sure, if my mother should fall and die while I am at work, I would most likely feel guilty and regret I was not there to prevent it, but it could also happen while I am there which means I still can't prevent it. I could spend more time with her to make memories, but my mom is not a loving person who (even without having Alz) would understand that concept. I can't hug her without her pushing me away so all in all, I am feeling better and know that I am doing all I can for her now. I am certainly treating her with all the dignity that one can bestow on a parent and that is more than she ever did any of us or my father. Well gotta go take her dog in for grooming and off to the cemetery to visit my dad for his 86th birthday today. Have a good day all and thanks for the feed back, it has helped me to see things better!! Hugs to all
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My witts end sometime it is not their choice to go to AL my husband would not to adult day care whicj at that time was only 5 dollars aday and the bus would have picked him up and I would have had a chunck of time to do things I needed to do and maybe get a nap because he kept me up a lot at night. Time passed and I had to plan to place him because he was too much for me and had abused me through the years he said again NO and in the family meeting at rehab I told him it no longer was his decision-of course mil will not want to make changes it works well for her-you have to do what works for you. A lawyer told my son that 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for-that was a wake up call for me.
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MyWitsEnd, best not to use sick leave and then go shopping, etc... If you get caught or seen by a coworker, you can get in trouble. If you take sick leave, best to stay home all day. Gets boring. I'd rather take my vacation leave, and still go out and do some ME stuff. My sis told me that a coworker applied for sick leave. She was caught and the company said that her leave will not be paid or was it that she had to pay it back?

Uhm...I didn't think your MIL would have wanted to move to assisted living. From the different threads I read here, they usually fight against it with teeth and nail. So many stories on this.
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Aargh. MIL has rejected the notion of assisted living. She says she doesn't need any help and does not want to make friends. If she does not need help, why is she with us??? She is like a black cloud hanging over our house.
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