notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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Just tell your supervisor that there's 3 of you and that when the time comes when your mother really needs you, you will then take the necessary leave. She doesn't have to know the family dynamics. By saying that there's 3 of you, she will assume that all 3 of you (including bro) are working together on your mother's behalf.
I have a very sensitive conscience. No matter how badly father treats me, if and when he or my mom dies, I WILL feel guilty. Regrets??? Maybe a little - that I should have been more patient but....that will be thoughts After The Fact. My thinking is that I should not have as big of a Regret as my 7 siblings. I've done the most for the parents than any of them...because of my super sensitive conscience....
I am feeling a little guilt tonight because my bakery/deli manager talked with me today about my mom. Her purpose was to tell me to be prepared ahead of time, such as calling the union regarding my sick leave which I not used any in the four years I have been employed with this company. She is urging me to make sure that I am not putting my job first over my mother's care because it is important to not have regrets. I don't want to tell her about my family dynamics and how if I took a leave using my sick leave or even the family medical leave act that being with my mother 24/7 would probably destroy my mental health. I need my income and my insurance. I am not on my husbands insurance. What if I need my sick leave for myself in the future? I totally understand where she is coming from, but because of the abuse in my childhood that was a result of my mother's personality disorder, how do I know if I will have regrets? What I regret right now is that I never had a loving relationship with my mother, no emotional support from her, she never has said "I love you", she has only told me I am a disappointment, selfish, and irresponsible. I guess with Stacey (the bakery/deli manager) talking with me, it has trigger all those "old feelings" again. Damn it, I really have no idea what I would regret if/when my mother passes away.Any advise from all of you would be appreciated. Hugs to everyone!!
I get back to posting again soon.
I am so sorry for Jam's husband passing away (((hug))). May he watch over you now.
Congratulations that you could get your mom to sign the documents.
I know that this is more than an accomplishment.
O.K., w/keep you & yours in my chants, looks like it's helping.
Much Love, Margeaux
Wow, that was a bold move on your part to send your mom that letter.
Well, I've been reading all the acting out she is doing right now, and shame, shame! But she'll never realize that.
She sounds just like our aunt. There was no reasoning w/her. She wiped especially my sister and me out w/her countless demands.
I hope you get better from your infection soon. You're in my thoughts! Margeaux
Oh, I hope I didn't stick my foot in my mouth, re: when I said it's easy for the therapist to state the obvious, I meant, that I guess if we didn't feel dysfunctional, why would we go seek their help. I'm sorry if it sounded like something else.
Much Love, Margeaux
First and foremost of all, since you've stated that your assets are intermingled with your mother's, it may be beneficial for you to seek getting this sorted out and separated.
In our family, my mom has ALZ, is 91, now. My aunt,(mother's sister) a very difficult narcissist lived in mom's home for quite sometime until her death last year. Our narcissist aunt didn't have kids. So mom's kids, (of which I'm eldest)
unfortunately inherited the care of our aunt, by default!! HAAH! Well, I can say that now. But let me tell you, just about the fact their assets were combined, because it has of course to do with family inheritance, (what mom w/leave us, 4 siblings) it was all tied up to our aunt. That made life oh so difficult, on a variety of levels for all of us, even the care of these two elderly women. It even impacted the decision about whether we had the right to place my aunt in a nursing home, at the end of her life. We had no right to do this. Another component was the fact that mother & her sister were joined at the hip, my aunt being the older of the two. Mom in no way shape or form wanted to be separated from the sister, and vice versa. In essence, my sister, brothers, and myself have had little say in this regard. I'm from a culture, that does their utmost to keep the elders in the home.
So, even if you're going to a therapist, (possibly by what you've describe-the not having enough facts), therapist making their statements, there are lot's of grey areas also. This intermingling of the assets, prevented the POA's in the family to make necessary and better decisions when it came to our aunt. Anyway, I urge you to like they say, "get your ducks in a row,' So even in the future when you are faced w/the dilemmas that surface w/caregiving you have things crystal clear in writing, and separate.
Isn't it interesting too, it's very easy for a therapist to state the obvious, "you're dysfunctional." But for that statement to be followed by,"you r mom HAS to move into AL, alone, that sounds like an ultimatum, and I do mean her choice of words.
You have every right to feel angry about that statement. Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
You're welcome about asking for you and your wife.
Yes, I want to know how my friends are hopefully progressing with their individual situations. Many times, I've noticed posters who only come here to vent their own stuff and never ask how anyone else is doing. I think this is how we really connect with one another, and GIVE and receive support. I place a very high value on that,.
Have you heard that when one chooses to work out at night, that one's adrenalin get pumped up. This is the reason it is advised to abstain from doing so, could cause people to feel not like sleeping. Could you possibly schedule your work outs at an earlier time of the day? I don't know, could help. I think too, if you've feel as if you have been overdoing it, getting things done we become frazzled. This I know for myself, makes me feel very wired up, and can cause problems with sleep.
But it is great you are working out! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This has got to be more than rough, not only dealing with the various health problems your mom may have. Also having to be up against such a difficult sibling. O.K., you're in my thoughts and I certainly hope the court rules on you behalf!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I was raised to believe that I had two choices if someone I love needed help. Either I helped them no matter what, even if my own well being was put at risk or I didn't which meant I was a horrible worthless person. I did not want to be a horrible worthless person so I became a martyr and was miserable. Things got really bad and thank goodness I ended up going to a fabulous therapist who told me there were other choices out there and that I was, at my core, a good and loving person. Her message was not that I "made my choices" rather that I needed to make more healthy choices in the future. She changed my life. Now years later I am able to make choices with my own well being in mind. I am better able to help people because I want to not to prove that I am not bad and worthless.
I'm coming on a time when I will be called to help my elderly parents out a great deal. I will need to make tough decisions and set good boundaries. I'm bound to make mistakes and I know there will be days when I feel backed into a corner. I am brand new here but I can already tell that there is great wisdom, advice and support to be had. Take care.
(((((((alabama))))))))))) I too am glad I am not like my sib or my mum. I agree with the "horrible", and that at times it has felt hopeless. But it isn't. I understand the disgusted and angry, and being tired of the pain. That is why I am further distancing myself. I need less of it. I have very little contact with my sib now. I confine myself to sending the odd e-card - Christmas, birthday. I refused her friend request in facebook - too many opportunities for games.
Big (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))). Just do what you can to protect yourself.
I found this site about 2 days prior to my decision to kill myself. So, I came on AC and posted for help. I was given similar advice that you have - advice that I rejected, and did not want to accept. But, a few hours of thinking about it, I accepted it. Because Hollis - my siblings Do Have a Right to Live their Own Lives. They do Not Have to care for our parents in their old age. It's our parents responsibility to prepare for their old age..just as you and I need to also think of Our Future....//... I struggled when I was told that each of us Chose to Do This Caregiving. At first I denied it. But when I really thought about it, I did chose to do this from religious obligations. I could have turned my back on God and say NO I will not honor my parents. So, yes, I chose to this - although unwillingly.....
My therapist did not tell me to leave my parents - obviously because they're both bedridden. But he did ask if there's a possibility for each of my 7 siblings to help by taking one day each for caregiving. For those living in the states, they can Hire Someone on Their Behalf. Wow, I liked his ideas but ..getting the sibs to agree are totally unrealistic in that sense.
Hollis, I was like you and fought against most of the advice given to me. Once I accepted it (the ones I agreed to), I no longer was so angry and resentful towards my siblings. But, I will tell you this that when I told my sister this, she was so angry. She said that she will be angry on my behalf towards our unhelpful siblings.
Wow, that was 7 months ago...
It sounds to me like are very frustrated and angry. I don't know enough about your situation regarding your relationship with your mother to say yes or no to the codependency. If you are codependent, it's not incurable, you can do something about it if it is true. this next sentence I copied from a website about codependency: Codependents are people who let the feelings and actions of another person affect them to the point that they feel like they have lost control of their own lives. These are just some of the ways Codependency effects human lives.
Sometimes we make choices to do things for others that we do not really want to do but we think we have to do it because no one else will. I agree that you made these choices. The hoarding relative is a situation that is done and I would let that go. What specifically causes all the arguments with you and your mother? Is this something new or has it been there all along. I had a therapist tell me once that I talked about my children as though they were a burden!! I felt the same way you do right now. After I calmed down, I realized that the anger I had towards my husband for not helping or being emotionally available to me, that I truly was seeing my children as a burden. I didn't like hearing it but it was something I could change and I did.
I agree with Joan that you need to sort out the house and finances and you need to put your life first. Has a dr. advised that your mother should not be living alone? Why do you think she can't live alone? I ask because I do not know what her health situation is other than lung disease that you have listed on your profile.
Assisted living is wonderful and there are many great facilities. We have a couple in my town. They provide transportation to shopping, appts., to and from church, activities and independence while providing support. You can visit any time, advocate for her, stay as long as you want, take her shopping or out to lunch but you have separate living arrangements and you can get together with friends, take a part-time job. It is a win win situation. Living in your bedroom certainly isn't healthy.
Take some time to digest the information the therapist gave to you before you do anything, but I definitely would start putting your life first, health, social,etc. It's ok to let go, you are a loving daughter and have done so much already. Hugs to you and come back, let us know how You are doing.
If you agree you are codependent, you are not alone and have something to work on. It is very easy to get enmeshed with someone you are caregiving. You sound like you are just about at the end of your tether. You have done a whole lot of caregiving, and it is a very hard job. Do you get any breaks?
Now you may not like what I am going to write, but this is the truth as I see it. If you just came here to vent, skip to the last line.
If you are not responsible for your life - who is? For better or for worse, you have made choices. I have been in the situation where I felt I had no choices, but later, looking back, saw that I did, but I didn't want to take them.
I can comment on a few things you have written here. I agree with the therapist that is/was your choice to do the things you have done. We all have choices. Some of then are tough ones to make and carry consequences, but we all have choices. That your mother might be best in assisted living could be the case. Some seniors are better off in assisted living. Again without knowing more it is hard to say. Facilities offer professional care, socialization etc. Since your mum is 84 it seems to me it would be wise to separate your finances. She will likely die before you, and you could have a mess to sort out with the house, and the finances.
I believe our basic responsibility is to ourselves first. That does not mean we have no responsibility for others, but it is important to have proper boundaries.
I am surprised that your therapist would recommend that you get up and walk away. Did she really do that? If a facility would be a better place for your mum, as a loving daughter you could look around for, and assist the process of getting her into one, and visit her while she is in there. If you are gathering resentment, lines and pounds it sounds to me like you need to look after yourself better, and put yourself first sometimes. No use throwing yourself under the bus.
My heart goes out to you for the years of caregiving you have given. Is it coming time to you to focus on yourself more? That can be difficult, but it is very important,
In any case big cyber ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you Joan
We all have things in our past and present that we dont want to deal with, but we do because we must. My responsibility is to not just myself, but to my family. I might not like it, but it doesnt make me codependent. It makes me real. It makes me stronger for having the b^lls to do what others cant or wont. It make me angry cause I do the right thing. I dont get angel wings, I dont get a plaque, i dont get a salary....I get more resentment, more lines in my face and another 5 pounds heavier due to stress!!! And to top it off, I pay this crappy Therapist. Tell me im wrong please...tell me the truth.