The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, there's been lots of activity post the Christmas gathering at moms and sisters. Remember I'd written what a disaster it turned out to be since my sister, & her daughters, then the SIL & her daughters seem to have a lot of tension going on. A day after Christmas my brother the husband of this SIL, called my sister to ask what had gone on Christmas Day, that he felt uncomfortable.
Mind all of you that my brother isn't the type of guy who shares his feelings at all.
So I had to ask my sister whether she thought our SIL may have complained to him. Anyway, I'd also written about the fact my sister's first grandson apparently was dissed first by one of SIL's daughters, then by the other daughter and SIL.
But I've also come to discover, just yesterday that my sister's daughter, the problem one didn't say hello to any of my brother's family when they arrived at my mom's house that day. Now this happened before the baby was dissed.
So this is why my brother said all of this to my sister. Doesn't this fall right in line w/previous behavior by this daughter of my sister's because she's done this to me on occasion at mother's house. This is exactly why I have said that all the parties involved have played some bad role in the whole thing. It took me a couple of days to get this out of my system, and I did. So now I'm just taking some measures to make sure I stay detached from this mess.

But isn't this interesting. You know that saying, "For every action, there's a reaction." This is at play here big time! My sister's daughter didn't say hello to her cousin's, aunt and uncle. Then the women here retaliated, by dissing my sister's daughter's baby. What a bunch of cowards, taking it out on a baby!!
At some point, I think I'm going to have to mention something about that to my sister, (her own girl's participation). By the way, when my sister told me about her daughter's behavior, it didn't sound to me at all that possibly my sister thought it was wrong. I think also at the bottom of this, although my sister plays the role of little ms. family gathering maker and she feigns not to blatantly come out and do some of these deeds as her daughter would do, the daughter does my sister's bidding for her in some way, dirty bidding I might add. My sister doesn't seem to get it either that by not encouraging her daughter to do the right thing, many people are paying the price. Now I'm not naive enough to think either, that my SIL, nor my brother guide their daughters in the best manner when it comes to social skills either, they're totally lacking in that department also. My brother's younger daughter pretty much slept in a chair at mom's almost the whole time she was there, and she is 18 yrs. old. When she woke up, she didn't really say hello to me either.
His daughters both exhibit behavior of tuning out, never participating, nor interacting w/relatives. Anyway, my two siblings have done a terrible job when it comes to interpersonal relationships where my nieces are concerned. My dad, who was big on manners and training us from a very early age to be polite, even to relatives who were rather questionable is probably looking down quite disappointed at this, I must say. O.K., everybody, hope you have a great day!
Margeaux

Book~I forgot to tell you that your advice to avidreader was excellent!!

Book~Hahaha!! It is my mother's nature to be uncooperative, to put on her armor and go to battle over everything. The Alz has magnified her personality. I called her friend Nancy last night to thank her for her and her sister's prayers, Today will be a challenge because we need to get her to sign a paper authorizing automatic deduction for the payment on this policy which she has been refusing to do. We also need for her to sign a paper for Charles Schwab that she has been refusing to sign since October. My sister has the paperwork but I will give it to her today instead of my sister because she really is uncooperative much more with my sister. I don't know if it will work but I am going to try. My approach is non forceful and I don't argue with her. I just present the info, she argues and I drop the subject and approach her again later. I reassure her that her feelings are normal for everyone in her age group. It's a hit and miss situation with her. Gotta go..have a great day everyone Hugs!!

When I first got on the computer just now, I was filled with energy. Then I posted to MsDaizy and ... now I feel so sad. and tired (not tired of parents but...tired of the caregiving aspect.)
....I know that there are newcomers here, MyWits and Alabama.. Hi!
... Hi Margeaux - I had a quiet New Year's eve, too. I hate the guns though. I keep worrying that a bullet will come thru the window and hit one of my parents and me. One 8 yr old girl died when a bullet (which was shot in the air) came down and went right through their tin roof house. They were poor and lived in a wooden house with tin roofing. If I didn't fear the bullets, I would have enjoyed going outside to watch the fireworks.
Austin -- I'm still a newbie in the sense that I am learning sooooo much here. Before I found AC, I never heard of "Detach with Love" and "setting boundaries" and "narcissistic" With dad's oncoming senility, he keeps seeing people just standing there watching him - whenever he closes his eyes. He's recently mentioned having weird dreams. I just found today, a comment of this and the person mentioned LBD. See, I'm learning so many new stuff.
Emjo-- I enjoy reading your posts. I learn something new. And I'm glad that you take the time to give detail answers when I do ask.
Sharyn--I'm glad that your mom realized and did decide to sign the check. I wonder if she will continue to give you all a hard time just for the sake of giving you a hard time. Later....

Hi Avid-- I didn't have time to dig up my notes this morning due to limited time.
Discussions on Narcissistic mothers:
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=narcissistic

From Emjo - on Detach and Setting Boundaries:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/The-Caregiver-Dysfunctional-Families-149068.htm?cpage=0&cm=210298#210298

And if you go to the NEXT page of Emjo's post, she did give me more details on it. Just look for her post addressing Book.

I hope this helps. I'm thinking if you're asking How To Deal with your mom's actions, I'm hoping that the discussions on Narcissistic mothers might help you.

If you just need to Vent, please come back and tell us in the beginning or ending of your vent that You're Just Venting.

Thank you Joan for the prayers that my mom be more cooperative. I also have others praying for the same. Today I was able to get my mother to pay for Dec/Jan payments on the Long Term Health care policy. She was refusing to pay it and I just told her she would have to pay more out of pocket without it. When I went over this afternoon, she had made out of the check and was ready to mail it. I lack in praying for myself but I do believe in the power of prayer and it is working with my mom. Thank you!! Hugs to everyone!!

Book you may think you are a newbie but you have the voice of experience-you realize that with narcisic people you have to detach and not give your power away-that is very important to understand and you do. We usually can't change others but can change how their behaivors affect us.

Avidreader –I understand where you’re coming from. You have started several topics to find what you need. I just did a brief check. From what I read, most of them answered your question. Avid, what exactly are you asking? Are you looking for a specific answer that you will find Acceptable to You? I would recommend that you go do a ME time. Just go in the car/bus and take off somewhere. Just do nothing that has to do with bills or getting house supplies. Once you have found a Quiet Time for just You, if you have an iPad, please come back to AC, and Re-read all your questions. I’d like for you to meditate on the answers given to you. I think Jeannegibbs gave you some excellent answers on several of your questions. If need be, bring a pen and paper and free-flow your thoughts to each answer. Why am I resisting this answer? Why does it Not apply to me? Or to mom? The answers were given but you are resisting it.

Now, when I first started reading this site in June 2012, I was trying to find ways to improve caregiving for 2 bedridden people. I had 1 intense therapy and therapist had a family emergency. That weekend, I became seriously suicidal. I was helped here. One of those who gave me advice that I truly had problem accepting was Jeannegibbs. She told me straight – no sugarcoating – that my Brother-of-next-door has a Right Not to help my parents. He has his own life and his own family. Any one who caregives Chose to do this – whether voluntarily or not. In other words, even if I didn’t want to do this, I Did Voluntarily Stepped up to help due to Religious reasons. It is Our Parents Responsibility to have done something for their Old Age. Once I accepted that my 7 siblings have a Right Not to Help and all the other advice given, I ran with it. Hello? I’m a newbie here, and I did ask others with experience. Some I refuse – like just packing up and walking out – because even 23yrs later – I still must obey the Bible to Honor our parents. I just learned to accept it and to do other things to make life more livable.

Avid, it sounds like your mother is a Narcissistic person. I strongly recommend that you read up on it. Also, you must learn to Detach with Love and set Boundaries. Like I said, I’m a newbie and still very behind on these 3 stuff. It’s really all about educating yourself, knowing what you can and willing to do, etc… Please take that ME time away from home and figure out what you need and require to make your life more livable than what you're living with now. Sorry, maybe someone else can answer whatever answer you're looking for. Sincerely, Book

Hi Emjo,

Yes, I went quiet for a few days. I kind of promised myself that I wouldn't give my problems wimy sister any energy especially on those two days. It was kind of a Feng Shui thing I was doing for myself. Thanks for asking Emjo, my New Years Eve was quiet, and I'm glad it was. The full moon on Christmas Day, kind of affected me, if you know what I mean. Much Love, Margeaux

I have been helping my 88-year-old mom for almost 4 years, since my dad passed away. I can no longer take her nastiness. She asks for help with everything and now argues with me about the result. I tried to help her pick up a large package of toilet tissue in the garage and she yelled at me, "Stop treating me like a child!" I feel abused and disheartened. My two sisters don't step up to the plate like I do. I lost my husband 11 years ago to cancer, but the pain I felt then is nothing compared to this torture from a tiny, elderly lady who no longer treats me like a valued daughter, as she once did. I am completely at the end of my rope and no longer look forward to the rest of my life, such as it is. I never dreamt I would feel this way about my own mother. Any advice?

Burned~sending prayers that God will go what is best for your situation and positive energy for You!!

I am sorry I haven't said nothing much on this forum but i told my boss about cps coming and going from my house making false allegations which 90 pct of the so called reports were definitely false but ..i notice that they are trying to stick me with unfit parent/caregiver. I can't lose this job I need it and if they say its on going i could have no more paychecks. I hate the fact that I am being harassed off and on. I am filing a greivance complaint and getting my case history from them. I need prayers...i need faith and i need some hope. The kids and us parents are getting along much better. I am in a downward spiral...i want to cry and I want to scream...I am taking my medication and I am dealing/coping as I should be making plans to see a new therapist...getting my son tested for possible attention disorder/aggression. oh Btw to peel the nut on the family tree my sis calls me instead of the other way. After i apologize for my drunk statement but was truth. her 4th baby has aspergers and she is due to have her 5th something this wk or next. I am gonna jet because tho I do communicate my feelings put the barrier always...fighting for my family battles here...need prayers if u will. ty and god bless on the new yr.

MyWitsEnd~It must be very difficult for you. Assisted living sounds like a good idea...a win win situation for all. Your poor son doesn't need someone picking at him especially over such a trivial matter. Boy I sure do remember how my son would eat as a teen. Some of the combinations he came up to eat are for another thread, Lol!! I could never live my mother because of her control issues. I hope you find an AL facility soon.

My goals for the New Year are to eat healthier and to include some exercise. That exercise does not mean a workout, just getting out more to walk. Today is my Friday then 3 days off. My original goal was to work in bedroom getting it painted, put the computer desk together and set up the computer but now I will be spending more time tending to mom. I am going to make Minestrone soup and a couple other things to take over to mom. I don't know when APS will be coming to her house...I hope they call me or sis so we can be there. This visit will probably push my mom forward, trigger more paranoia and anger. Yesterday she seemed to be more relaxed. She had no anger when I went over her house, I really expected her to be angry from the dr. visit the day before. She told me on Monday she will never to go the dr. again with me, Lol. She threatened to move back to PA again which we just agreed with her. She has no idea that the dr. said she should live alone anymore. Actually she thought the dr. my sis and I were scheming to place her in a NH.

Yes, I am very fortunate that my sis, brother and I can work together in harmony. There have been times this last year where sis and I didn't agree on things such as taking the car away when my sister wanted to last year at this time. We would agree to discuss it again in three months and evaluate mom's ability again. This worked out for us without having heated arguments over her care and it gave mom some extra time to be independent. My mom was diagnosed with dementia in November of 2010 after she had the hernia surgery. It seems like she is progressing quickly...maybe in part because of the personality disorder. She has caused herself much unnecessary stress with her type of thinking...then living alone has probably contributed to her fast decline too. Have a good day everyone, set some time aside for yourselves!!

MyWitsEnd - Oh yes, mother would take over any household she moved into, I haven't even allowed her to visit for years, as she is too difficult, and a control freak. I think you are entitled to your own furniture!!! It sounds like your mil is narcissistic. My mum is, and has been all her life. She holds grudges forever too. Yes, even if he had taken her food -for goodness sake! This is not normal. Most grandmas are happy to feed their grandkids. I know I am. You are right, her negativity is unhealthy for your family, Assisted living may well be the answer. Hopefully sooner rather than later. (((((hugs)))) and keep us updated. Joah

Emjo-yes. She mentioned a.couple of weeks ago that she needs to be around her own things. Her initial plaans were that we would get rid of some of our things to make room for hers. We did give her space, but not as much as she wants, and we did not get rid of our things. Note, our furniture and appliances are fairly new. Hers is 70's era. I know they give her a comfort level, but it made no practical sense to part with recently purchased items to make more room for hers. We put it all in storage and have moved what will fit. She is thinking apartment. It is doubtful she could do that, so we are investigating assisted living. She has the financial means, no question. I think she thought she was going to come here and run the house. She is a control freak, and needs someone to boss around. We aren't letting her control how we live, and she is very frustrated with that. If this were new or recent behavior, I would be more understanding. But it is not. I met her when she was 58. I was about to meet husband's niece and nephew for first time. Niece was 7. She warned me that the 7 year old was a liar and not to be trusted. She found this out while playing cards with her granddaughter when she was 4. Held it against her every since. Completely irrational, but she is firm in her assessments. So, now, our son is stealing food in his own home. She is wrong about what she says he took, but even if he had, it is his home and he gets hungry. That is not stealing. I do not want the negativity in my home. It is not healthy.

MyWitsEnd - sorry about what is happening. Your son definitely does not need this, nor do the rest of you. You are right teen age boys eat. Did your comment about mil mean you may look at something like assisted living for her? It bothers me when one senior affects a house so much, and especially when there are young people in it. More exercise is a good goal. I should have that one too.
alabama -I am so sorry that you have missed your parent for these holidays. That is so unreasonable of your sibling. I don't understand this kind of behaviour, but you have mentioned narcissism and control, and no normal person does understand that. It is a shame!!!

Evil sibling guardian never followed up on a request for phone calls to elderly parent by me or visits with elderly parent that would include military son.. So thanks to this we have missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now New Years. i really believe that you reap what you sow.

Aargh. MIL started an argument with hubby again. Tonight she accused our son of eating her food, which was something he would never eat. She is obsessive about food. We have given her dedicated cabinets and shelves, but she buys so much, it is everywhere. However, her tastes are definately not the same as our son's. He did not get into the particular food she accused him of. When husband defended him, she got ugly. This is getting very old for me. We have always had a very positive home. I do not like the negativity. And I definately do not like how she picks, picks, picks on our son. He is a very good kid who does not deserve or need this. He won't eat her spam or sardines, but if she is that possessive, she needs to put her initials on it. Teenage boys eat. He is 5'10" and 130 lbs. I am not going to make him seek everyone's approval before he has a snack. Just venting. New Year's Resolution- find MIL own living space and definately more exercise.

Margeaux -you are quiet -how was New Year for you? Hope you avoided the dysfunctional family members. Did you do any more cooking?
love and hugs - Joan

alabama - I like your resolve! I am going to do it too - make things better.in 2013
cmag - good -points. Men are fixers, and more practical often. Women tend to hash things over more - or so Gary tells me.
book -glad you are OK to be here again. I have seen you make great progress since you first came to AC. I have learned from you too. I like your wishes for the new year. Reduced stress is high on my list.
((((((sharyn)))))) - what a turbulent time, but sounds like the doc has a handle on things. These transitions are never easy. Right now you have extra work with the antideoressants, but hopefully, they will help your mum's mood. I am so glad that you, ur sis and bro are working together to solve the future house issue. Please do not be hard on yourself re not forcing things on your mum. You could only do so much, and she has the right to refuse. Dealing with her at this stage of her disease will never be a smooth process. The right things are happening. You certainly have my prayers for her to cooperate. Hope you have a great meal with your hubby in a couple of weeks.
kdwildflower - hope your appointment goes well
yogi - how was new year???

Who has made New Years Resolutions? Mine is to set firmer limits with mother.
I will answer her emails, and tell her if she continues with accusations etc, I will drop POA. - her choice. She will deny being difficult, but it is there is writing!!!

♥ and hugs - Joan

cmag you hit on the nail. I see this often with sis and her husband. she keeps gettg frustrated. and I keep telling that she needs to vent to female friends. complains that he don't get hints, etc.

book, I think there are at least three reasons for the dynamic that you describe between husbands and wives. 1. Men are fixers and tend to hear complaints or questions as a request to fix something. 2. Women are often raised to feel more guilt than men about putting mom in a nursing home or assisted living. 3. Very often, men fail to hear the complaints or questions from their wives as a request for emotional support or validation.

I want to thank everyone on this site for helping me in the past 6 months when I found this site. I couldn’t believe that there was a thread about dysfunctional families! I have vented here often enough to have benefited from it. I also have learned a lot from all your advice. Just as I have also learned from your experiences. Thank you!

I wish that for this year, we all are able to handle our caregiving with a little more strength and fortitude. And not go overboard in the stress department. And for any major decision about placing our parent in NH or assisted Living, to be able to carry it out with as little guilt as possible. Sincerely, book

Hi everyone and Happy New Year!!!

It has been a crazy topsy truvy day here for us. Thank You Joan for the prayers as they are very much needed and truly appreciated!! Hugs back to you! We got mom into the dr., he ruled out a UTI and though he couldn't find evidence of a hernia he believes it is there but small and said not to do anything about it considering her mental condition and it pushing her forward. He did prescribe an antidepressant...Citalopram @ 10 mg. once daily to start. He also wrote a letter stating mom has severe dementia, can not live alone any longer and to please assist her family members regarding her care. He said we can use this with a judge if we decide to pursue legal action. He did advice that in his opinion it would be best to contact APS to come out to do an evaluation and safety check in her home. He said he would take of that call himself. I will be going over daily to give her the antidepressant later in the day because the pharmacist said it would be better to give then since it is more common to cause some drowsiness in the beginning. On the days I work, I will have to go over on my 30 minute lunch break which is usually anywhere from 4-5;30pm. My sis and I have laughed and cried today as we discussed plans of getting home health care in for a period of maybe 6 months so that (sadly she progresses) and we can place her with little confrontation at that time. I have been on the phone since 6pm making calls first to my brother informing him of what has come about. Sis and I discussed on Christmas what to do with mom's house when she is place since it is in the Living Trust and we can't touch it until she passes. We decided that my brother's younger son would be a good choice to live there since he has no small children to cause extra wear and tear. My brother agreed but does not want him living there rent free and that he has certain conditions such as pruning shrubs, cleaning out rain gutters ect, and we would continue the yard service and take care of what any landlord would take care of in terms of repairs. Of course all this is based on 6 months or so down the line. Now we wait for APS to determine what happens in the immediate future. In October when I took mom to the dr. she weighed 123lbs. she now weighs 111lbs. She is not taking adequate care of herself. When I went over her house earlier she want to bath before going to the dr. Her hair was greasy so she hasn't washed it in some time. When sis and I got back from the pharmacy today, she had a bowl of Corn Flakes with bananas for dinner. No wonder she is losing weight!! I feel so ashamed that I have not been more forceful with her but she is so combative and difficult that I would leave because I didn't want to argue with her. I ask for prayers that my mother can come to terms with the situation and be more respective to our help. I didn't get to make the prime rib dinner for hubby and me, instead we had eggs, bacon, sausage and toast...a heart attack on a plate, Lol!! We will do something in a few weeks as things settle down. Thank you all and I hope everyone has a great healthy New Year with peace and happiness!!

Hi Everyone...a few days ago, I had to stop reading poster after poster of the family problems that sure seemed like a "full moon" phenomena. I just couldn't read it after a while and had to back off. Today, I'm able to read your posts without getting down myself.

Margeaux, you never want to ask your husband for advice with problems. I have found that with them, when you ask them, they cut to the chase and tell you what is needed to be done. Straight forward solution. Whereas, with females, we try to solve the problem with the least amount of anger, hurt or with emotion. So we go the roundabout way of solving the problem – which doesn’t usually work. So, you complain about a parent, their dementia, etc..and you ask for help, their response is really simple – mom goes out of this house and straight to Nursing home or assisted living. Simple. Whereas, we females want to try all the alternate options before THAT solution. And it frustrates the men because we don’t follow their advice, and continue to do what our heart dictates to us.

Sharyn, I’m sorry that your mom is quickly progressing in her Alz. It’s not just family now but extending to outside people (friends). Pr
etty soon – if she hasn’t yet – she will become a hermit. And then what I call the “wandering” stage – when she walks out and can’t find her way back home. I think you and sis will need to figure out a game plan for her future.

kd – I’m glad that you did get some down time away from those stressing you out. I hope your mil still keeps that frame of mind when it’s time to go to the clinic.
alabama – Yep, sounds like sibling did it on purpose. Unfortunately, they don’t care. In his/her mind – she did win. It’s too bad…

Happy New Year!!!

Happy 2013 and YES this year will be better!

kdwildflower -glad to see you posting agan, and it is good news that your mil will go to the doctor. Remember that reasoning with a person with dementia is not very successful and many have to pretend they are taking their "patient" to the doctor for another reason, and clue the doctor in ahead of time. The very nature of dementia makes it impossible for them to reason sometimes. Glad you took a break - sometimes it is necessary.(((((hugs))))) over your teenagers and especially the child who was in the accident. Prayers that she comes home safely.
alabama - sounds like typical narcissism to me - need to be in control, and also to spoil othr people's good times. I am sorry. As you say, your parent is the one who loses, as well as your son.
Hope everyone has a good and safe evening, and that 2013 is better than 2012.
♥ and ((((((((hugs)))))))))) Joan

emjo, AMEN on the statement about narcissists who ruin special times as my narcissist older sibling just decided that my elderly parent could not come to my home for New Years' Eve. And as usual, never said a word about it until one hour before we were to pick up elderly parent. My son was really looking forward to spending time with his grandparent as well as his friends, so this was just pure evil on the part of my narcissist sibling who sees it as a "win." It is not a win as she is hurting our parent and does not care.

Hi all. I didn't mean to worry anyone! :) I have taken a bit of a sabbatical and distanced myself from several people who were draining me. I just got 'back in the real world' yesterday... lol. I had to dig deep to find out how to deal with all the chaos of my 'patient' and my ex husband (who I guarantee has alcohol related dementia!) and 3 of my teenagers who want to rebel. Thank God the fourth one isn't giving me any headaches. I finally got maggie to agree to go to the doctor on wednesday, so hopefully that will help give all of us somewhere to start with reasoning with her and for her to understand that this is a diagnosis, so she can understand why everything that is happening seems so hard for her. Her son and I tried to talk with her about it last night, and it turned into them screaming at each other and him yelling "You have dementia!!!! Face it!" and her denying anything... it was horrible. I went over there today and showed her the definition of dementia and talked and listened for a while and now she is very accepting of going to the doctor. Hopefully it will stay that way until after we go!! :) Anyway, nothing has really changed except my expectations and hopes. But that has made everything a little easier to deal with. Hope everyone has a great new year! Today is my oldest childs 21st birthday!! She almost died 2 years ago on Christmas Eve, from a drunk driver , took 4 months to walk again, so I always worry about her being out on nights where there are a lot of drunk drivers...... so I'm going to sit on pins and needles and watch movies tonight!