The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

((((((((((sharyn)))))))))) we must have been posting at the same time. I am sorry about your mum. I understand that the doctor's visit and all that is happening is very stressful for you. Realise that what you are doing is for your mum's own good, even if she doesn't like it. Life has been getting more and more difficult and confusing for her. I am glad you and your sis are going with your mum, and that you have advised the doctor's office ahead of time. You are in my prayers for this afternoon. As they decline, it is harder on friends and family, and friends can be alienated. It gets too much for them, and I know you understand that. Yes, your mum will fight it all the way. I think it is due to the narcissism which means she has to be in control all the time. Even many "normal" seniors find this transition is difficult. My thoughts are with you. Why does it always happen when we have something nice planned???? Even though your mum is not quite in the same state as mine, it does make you wonder.
Big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))), many prayers and let us know how it goes. I will be watching for your update!

Tamale bricks, eh, Margeaux. I feel better about burnt cranberries. Actually the pot was bad, but the cranberries were alright. My biggest problem is my new stove. I still haven't quite figured it out, and I have had it 3 years. It is glass top, and the burners are different from my old ones, and harder to control.
Margeaux - re Gary, it is not that he does not understand my problems with mother. He understands them very well now, though at the beginning he didn't altogether. It is that she doesn't want to see him, or have any advice from him. The only advice he ever gave her was good advice for the situation she was in then, but she is never thankful for that as it shows that she did something wrong, or couldn't figure out what to do, and she must always be right, and in control. She will never forgive you for that. Years ago, when my father developed vascular dementia, she was furious with him all the time - more than usual because he couldn't do what he used to because he was ill. He called me in tears, as she was raging and raging at him and asked me to come. I travelled across the country to stay with them, after finding someone to care for my 3 little kids. After spending time with her when she was home from work, and spending time with him, I could see that he was ill, and that they would have to change their plans for the future (to build a house), as he was not capable any more, nor was he safe to drive. I advised her to buy her own car, and not let him have the keys. His car needed repair. I told her not to get it repaired so he coudn't drive it, and also to sell their lot, and buy a house as it would be a good investment. It was the right thing for them, and she followed my advice, but later she told me very rudely that I needn't think that I had helped her. If she had not done that, she would not be as well off now, as a lot of her capital came from the house sale. So now she is trying to drive a wedge between Gary and I, by saying she will see me but not him. She has never shown any appreciation to him for anything he has down for her, or to me. She will make a fuss of you if you do what she wants you to. It is not true appreciation, but rather manipulation, so she will get more out of you. She will turn on you quick as anything if it suits her.
Gary is great company and willing to discuss anything with me, though I know it has not always been easy for him when I have been upset. I am thankful he is so patient with, and supportive of me. He is one of 5 boys, and doesn't understand women very well. His ex was, and still is, a very angry woman so he does understand quite a bit about mother, and the need for me (us) to protect ourselves from her. I told him on the weekend that she will not succeed in driving a wedge between us. That I will stand with him - period - and I will be telling her that too. If he is not welcome, and he is with me, then I will not come. She has played this game with my sis, who caved in to her. She went to stay with sis in the past, and created havoc there. Mother continually criticized sis's dh (who was a nice, patient man, dead 10 years ago now) and sis just sat, and went along with it. I will not tolerate that.

You are right it is a blessing, as I will say to mother that since I discuss everything with Gary, and do take his advice into account, as she doesn't want him in the picture, then I have to bow out. I am executor, and my sis is back up POA. She can take over the POA, and I will stay as executor if mother wishes. It seems only fair to divide the work. Over the years, sis has done very little - just come for free holidays, and live off mother for a month at a time. She does live overseas, but nowadays with computers things can be done from a distance easily. And, frankly, mother may die before there is any need for anyone to act as POA, but I need a boundary there, from her asking me to do things for her, then criticizing me when I do what she asks. I am sick and tired of that game, and of her trying to ruin things for me.
I will be interested to hear what you will write about later. Men do have a different view of things quite often. They are not generally speaking, as good at knowing what make relationships work, as women are - normal women anyway.

Re the end of the year, I have found that narcissists will try to take advantage of any special times, holidays etc. to create trouble, and position themselves as the center of attention. More than once, when I have had plans for something special for myself ( not that that was often in the years before Gary), she would create a crisis to spoil it if she could, and as a result I was often too tired to do what I had planned. It didn't work this time! We had a lovely weekend despite her antics.

Best wishes for all for a good New Year! I am making some changes, to further protect myself. This has gone on long enough, and the coming year is going to be better!!!! Love, ((((((((hugs)))))))) and prayers - Joan

Margeaux~Things are not good. My mom's friend Nancy called me this morning saying that my mom calls her several times a day. She has even accused Nancy of coming in her house when she is not home and taking things. Nancy understands that mom has Alzheimer's so she doesn't take it personal, but it still is causing her emotional stress with all the calls. I made an appt. for 3:10 this afternoon for my mom to be evaluated for living on her own. I told the nurse to inform the dr. for me about what is going on so I don't have to repeat it in front of my mom. I also told them she should be checked for a UTI and another possible hernia on the left side of the groin. She had surgery for a hernia on the right side 2 years ago. My sister is going to come down so we can all go together. Truthfully, this is tearing me up because I know my mom is going to fight this whole process. I know she is terrified about what is happening to her but she will not talk about that with us. She tells Nancy she is scared but she won't tell us that. I know my mom is panicking because she can't handle daily things especially her bills and mail. She is lashing out at her friends now and even though they understand, the stress it causes them is hard for them to deal with as well. I gotta pull myself together here and head over to my mom's, will let you all know what is going on after the appt. Dang...I have a great dinner planned for me and hubby tonight too.

Sharynmarie,

How's your mom acting today?
Looks like lot's of our relatives are acting out just now. Guess they think it's some kind of good way to end the year?? Mine too. Yikes!
I agree w/Emjo, in that you are handling your mom well, your sister also by the way. Much Love, Margeaux

Hi Emjo,

Oh, I see what you are saying that your mom doesn't want to see Gary.
I definitely understand that he doesn't understand her problems.
As I wrote before, my husband doesn't understand my family problems either.
My husband also seems tries to offer suggestions, and many times they are quite simplistic or he can't understand from a woman's perspective, since he doesn't have sisters. He has two brothers, one lives in NY, and the other lives in another country. They are pretty much at odds many times. He has more tension w/the youngest brother. Anyway I'm wondering too if men just have a different orientation to the family problems, because I'll write about this later; this aspect of dysfunction is surfacing in our family right now.

Well in any case, if your mom is saying for your husband not to come, this is probably in the bigger picture a blessing in disguise for him too. He must be a great guy too, that you can count on him about discussing different aspects of you situation.

Yes, this decision about the POA, is tough! But I can understand you wanting to pull out of that too. You're in my thoughts, and I hope for your sake your mother calms down. Much Love, Margeaux

I would like to wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Years.
I toast to your health, abundance, good wishes and everything wonderful any of you desire in this New Year of 2013! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

kdwildflower, please let us know how you are doing?

Last night I got very energetic and decided to try making some tamales.
Ive made them before, but it's been a long time ago. Anyway, they were a lot of work, about over 2 hours to get them into a pot to steam. They were a complete disaster, and I had to throw them out as they came out like little bricks! HAAH!
Oh well! I'lll have to try doing them another time. This does not discourage me at all.
I was trying to turn around that bomb Christmas I had because of my sister's negativity and look what happened. Maybe I should just make a turkey too.
Well, I hope everyone is good, and relaxing after all of this business, because I am. Much Love, Margeaux

Kdflower,
Under any circumstances, should any caregiver, son, etc. tolerate this kind of abuse, because that is what it is! Sometimes, I think it's difficult for the relatives and people very close to a situation to view it as such. Others here have suggested that you report it, if it were to happen again.
We had a terrible situation w/an aunt who we were in charge of. She unleashed all these similar behaviors upon many people. I felt as if I was up against a brick wall in terms of especially my sister to understand, (main caregiver) about taking measures as to not allow abuse by an elder. Hopefully she'll be diagnosed w/o too many problems. You are in my thoughts! Please give us an update. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan, I'm not familiar at all with POA. When father became bedridden, my bro-of-next-door (actually, it was SIL), kept pressuring me to get POA. I refused. I kept saying no. I mean, we are 8 kids together. WHY does it have to be ME? I have already put 23 yrs of my life on hold (always wanted to leave this island, live in the mainland, and travel on weekend to different countries). I have gone through so much "hardship" with the parents. I finally put my foot down on POA. I turned it around and asked them why don't THEY get POA. Excuses galore. Oh, I have to be the one because he trusts me (Ha! It's the siblings on the states he trust.) Oh, I'm living with them, the POA will just make it more legit. (Ha!) I know my family. Right now, I am just their caregiver. If I get POA, in their eyes, I now become legally responsible for them. Therefore, the parents are now MY Responsibility. Not Their Problem.

Emjo, as soon as we can figure out how I can walk out on the parents without my conscience condemning me, I can walk out. As it is, I stayed on 23yrs ago due to religious reasons. Those reasons are still valid. I have been visited by our religious higher-up-with-position several times a year for the past 23 yrs. Not Once, did he/wife say it's okay for me to leave. Sigh..

But the main reason I don't want POA? I've put half of my life into caring for mom and then now father. I dont want anymore "burden" of them on me. Just physically being here is more than I can handle. I don't want anymore chains to link me to them.

margeaux -thanks - I can limit myself from reading her emails - that is about all. Mother has been like this all her life -and worse -quite a bit worse at times. It is not that Gary does not want to be around her, though right now I am sure he doesn't, but that she does not want to see him. He has been very willing to help in any way he can. I am not so sure he is now, Mother is telling me what the "good" daughters of other people did for their mothers, yet when I try to help her, even by doing exactly what she asks me to do, she lashes out at me. It is an absolute no win for me. I refuse to visit her in her apartment and be her captive audience, and I am glad you are protecting yourself from that kind of behaviour too. We just have to be with the people we enjoy and let the rest go, (((((((hugs))))) and love to you too Joan

Emjo,

What on earth!! Is there any way your mom's computer time could be limited?
HAAH! I know an ALF would probably never do this. I really feel for you. I'm also wondering what your mother was like when she was younger. But I know this behavior, the never being satisfied, pleased, measuring up. We definitely experienced this with our aunt. She I'm sure was border line.

I know how you feel also, when you've written that even your husband doesn't want to be around her. I'm sure you don't want to be around her either.
This was the exact same feeling I had after Christmas when I went and after getting my dosage of too many complaints and knowing about all of the fighting with my sister vs. the SIL!
Good for you also, that you realize this and aren't going to be her audience.
I said this about an ex-friend I had to drop a year ago. This is all she did and I had quite enough. The world doesn't center around any one person.
I'm quite happy for you that you're having a good time w/Gary and your other family members. Have a safe journey home, Much Love, Margeaux

wildflower - I agree with cmag and sharyn - you need to protect yourself. It sounds like some intervention is needed

Hi book - I don't keep purses but i do keep other things - I do wonder without memories how you know about the abuse - have others told you? I also know that those memories get buried
sharyn - your sis is her own worst enemy thank goodness my hot flash days are over - really didn't have many - my thyroid was low so I was cold -think they balanced out lol
margeaux -I love my fireplace - one comfort in our long cold winters - I know all about the difficulty of cleaning around the clutter. It is good to put distance
hi yogi - good to see you posting -
my three -I am so sorry about your childhood abuse. You are a survivor and dealing with your family very well - good for you!
cmag - I do think you have done very well in therapy. On the whole I have found therapy helpful too.
time for brunch and than I will have to diet when i get home Hope evrye has a decent day

Thanks John and sharyn -and others for the hugs
Gary and I really enjoyed the dinner theatre. The music was great -the Buddy Holly Story, and so was the food. The timing of this, plus mother's statement that she would see me, but not Gary and didn't want any advice from him (who said he was going to give any?) really put me off. This was our special weekend during the holidays and her craziness, as far as I am concerned, was designed to spoil it, and, of course, put her front and center. Gary and I are a couple and any attempts of hers to divide us will not work.
sharyn I know you know how it feels -you had a dose this week too. The thing with mother is that she does not have dementia. She played helpless to suck people in.. begged and demanded that I get involved, then accused me of doing things without consulting her when I made a phone call and sent one email -which was only part of what she had asked me to do, and told me was urgent. Then all of a sudden, the helpless little old lady is gone, she is sharp as a whip, directing her little operation, calling on this one and that one and so on, and coming down in me. What a sick game. It has happened before. and I am the only one who can stop it from happening to me again. I really did think she was failing this time, and not able to totally grasp what was going on this time, or I would not have gotten as involved, but from the emails it is clear that she gets what is going on and can handle it. There was no need for my involvement other than to feed her need for attention, and I am not going any further in that direction.
Now I need to look into myself, and figure out why I haven't given up POA before, and why I am having difficulty letting it go. If I had to exercise POA, Gary would assist me in that if I needed it. We discuss various things and help one another which is natural for a couple. She has clearly stated she does not want him involved, which, practically speaking, makes it impossible for me. This may be the logic I use to her, though I know I don't have to give any explanations, at the same time it feels good to me to show her that she has created her own situation. Any feedback is welcome.

We will drive home today, after the complimentary brunch. Gary works the 31st, and needs to tend to the horses on New Years Day, and I am haooy with a quiet New Years Eve.

The lad who wants to do more renovations, but who will first finish what he didn't complete earlier,is coming towards the end of the week, so I have to clear out some of the basement as he will sleep there. I do want him to do some work in the basement to better finish it, and Gary can keep an eye on him, and make sure it all gets done properly. Thanks all ((((((hugs))) Joan

Kdwildflower~There is no point in trying to argue with a person who has dementia. When she becomes delusional what she believes is very real to her. I agree with cmag, you need to call 911 when she becomes violent. It is for her protection and yours!! They will take her to a hospital where she will be evaluated and placed on medication. This is in her best interest that you do this. Do not wait until someone gets hurt. What you are going through is quiet common with dementia so do not feel guilty or that you are going to cause her harm by calling 911.

kdwildflower, your MIL wants to kill you and her son plus has chased you around with a knife trying to stab you! Why have you not called 911 on this woman who is a danger to others and have her taken to the hospital for a psychological evaluation? Please, for your own protection and her care, call 911 and report her. They will come and take her to the hospital.

/well, I stayed away from my mil for a few days after her accusing me of being a bitch and causing trouble (after doing everything for her, and she told me she didn't need my help and could do just fine without me) So I let her see how she could do without me. she didn't take her meds for a week!!!!!!!! she has gotten so accustory with her son- who lives with her- and now me.. whom used to be the only one would could calm her down. We finally got her an appt. with a neurologist and she is refusing to go. Her son is taking off work and we are making her go, although I don't know whether it will turn out baaaad or go well. I am at the point of not wanting to help her feel better as we talk to the dr. I want to let it 'all out' about her wanting to kill me and her son, raising her fists to hit us. Chasing me trying to stab me..... accusing us of taking her money, etc. She kicks him out of her house almost every week and he is ready to leave...but she can't live alone and I told Randy to list everything he does on paper, and all that she needs help with, including what I do for her when I come over 4 to 5 times per week. She needs to see it on paper. My question is 2 fold: how do I get over my frustration and anger at her saying there is nothing wrong with her, and yet acting so erratic emotionally and messing up her meds, pooping her pants (she always has an excuse) blaming her forgetfulness and inability to talk on 'stress' that her son puts her through.....etc. How can I deal with this??? And two: how can I get her to want to go to the doctor instead of refusing to do so? She says she does NOT have dementia or alzheimers, so I (and home health ordered us to have her evaluated) decided to make her an appt. so she can know for herself what she is diagnosed with. But everything makes her mad. Lord help us. It is getting worse.

Joan~So sorry you had to read those crazy emails. All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. Maybe my mother and your mother are somehow related, Lol!! They sound so much alike. I hope you enjoyed the dinner theatre. I would love to go do that sometime. Hugs to you!!

Thanks,Cmag. At this time in my life, I have no desire to remember. One day, I will. Thanks for the encouragement. =)

bookworm, I found that in therapy my subconscious released many of my hidden early memories and my therapist helped me work through them which has helped me deal with unresolved anger in my life.

Joan, sorry to hear about the "crazy side" strikes back. Like you say, take a deep breath and detach. Let it go and let your sister deal with it. Hope you enjoyed the dinner theatre.

Well. 5 hours drive and 16 emails later I need to vent. I will respond to posts later, but my mind is reeling right now.
We had a nice supper at my dds last night and decided to get a good rest and drive down today. We had a good drive and they gave us a suite at the hotel -it is lovely! Gary went to the mall and I stayed here to unpack. I hooked up to the internet, opened my email and there are 16 messages from mother - each one crazier than the last -well, maybe not quite, but you get the idea. She is mad at me because I am going behind her back and she hasn't been consulted. The truth is she has been pressing me to contact some people, I contacted a couple of them, and now she is accusing me of going behind her back.She refuses to see Gary because he doesn't understand her problems. but she will see me if I come alone, but only if I want to talk about her problems and help solve them -she can't just have a pleasant visit. She asked me if I could do something to guarantee her place gets cleaned the way she wants it, and so on. Honestly everytime I have been there it has been spotless. Guess what, I won't be going to see her. All she wants is an audience to bitch on and on about things I have heard about far too many times anyway. And she probably wants to get mad at me for whatever she can figure out. It is the old damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If I don't call these people she gets mad, and if I do call them I am going behind her back.
I need to breathe deep. I hate these contacts from the crazy side. I do find them upsetting. I am one step closer to withdrawing from POA. She asks for help then fights, and accuses when I try to help. Nothing new there, but I am gettng older, I am tired of it, and I don't need it. My sis is POA backup and she can have it.
Hi the the new people -you can see that dysfunctional fits my family well. Mother does not have dementia, but she does have Borderline Personality Disorder, and it is in full swing right now
Gotta get past this in time to enjoy the dinner theatre...

Welcome Mythree..I agree totally with Yogi. We have both experienced this phenomena on this site. Definitely, counseling is recommended to help you. My subconscious did such an excellent job of protecting me as a child, that I have No Memories of the abuse. Me and my 2 younger sisters have no childhood memories nor do we desire to uncover it. Please, feel free to come and tell us what's happening with your caregiving. I have learned first hand, that when I vent and vent and vent, someone comes on and tells me ways to help me cope or tips on caregiving from their experiences.

Book~Lol!! I will have to get a fan before I go back to JCP. When it is cold outside and hot in the store, I would think their employees must be sick a lot. Our temps are cool right now, a high of 51 expected today with a low of 34. I know this is nothing compared to what others are experiencing with below 0 and snow.
Margeaux~Good for you for distancing from your friend for a while. It does get old listening to the same thing. Some people don't know how to have a conversation without complaining, it's the weather or something else trivial.
Well hang in there everyone and enjoy the weekend, we have some sunshine today so it is pretty outside!!

Mythree~I am sorry you had to suffering with sexual abuse as a child. It is the ultimate betrayal a family member can do. I do hope you were able to get counseling even if you had to do as an adult. In my family it was physical, mental and emotional abuse. It seems to be a life time of continued work for us, learning to parent ourselves, detaching, boundaries and developing our self esteem. Please come back as we are here for you. Hugs!!

Hi Everybody,
Gee, I was so venting w/my last posts.
I forgot to mention that mom looked very cute on Christmas.
She was wearing a very stylish velour two piece outfit.
It's quite interesting to hear some of us here writing about the stages we observe w/our elders and their ALZ or Dementia. My mom was having a mellow day. But I do notice she is very firm about her dislikes about food. My younger brother who is somewhat of a teaser was trying to get her to bite on a pepper. Honestly, I wish he would not do that, because she gets heartburn. Then his wife, (pt. of the tension causer w/my sister), is such a know it all. When I told my mom, that it could cause her heartburn, my SIL, said to me, "Well, it's a sweet pepper, not a hot one." I told her, well, guess what, these can also cause it. Never the less, mom said in a very matter of fact way, she didn't want to eat it.

My mom went through that period some years ago, where she was shuffling through her junk mail. She also did this a couple of times while I was there, trying to replay her messages on the answering machine. In hindsight, poor thing, I know she was doing this to camouflage the fact about her memory being in decline. Since she was the one who was more mobile than her sister, my aunt depended upon mother for many things. Both of them didn't want to let on to the rest of us how bad off they really were, for fear of losing their independence. This was before my sister and her family had moved in w/them.
O.K., going for some more Joe! Much Love, Margeaux

Welcome Mythree, To an extent ALL families are dysfunctional! Read this whole thread and you will see how many have problems with their families. I,too, come from a family that my bro raped me and my dad molested my sister and he had multiple affairs. My mom endured years of mental abuse from my dad and his going out on her. You are right that it wasn't talked about back then. I hope you have sought counseling for those tragic incidences. Maybe your sis was abused herself. Women who were abused are either promiscuous or withdrawn. The position you are in and have been in has made you a very strong individual. This topic isn't received real well by everyone here because they don't know what to do or say. Especially if they have never experienced it for themselves. However, they will all try to support you for having been strong and being a survivor. I understand about you wanting them to leave you and your mom alone. How does your mom feel about this? You don't mention her illness. Does she have dementia/Alzhiemer's? Have you bro and sis changed to where your mom wants to see them? Are you afriad they will hurt your mom? Please continue to post here and let us know any updates.

Sharynmarie,
You have come a long way. I remember some months ago, you were posting when you were worried about your mom and her driver's license and test. You really have worked on detaching yourself from both your sister and mom. It takes some work on our parts, to be constantly on the look out. Well, good for you Sharynmarie, you've been able to sort whatever it is about each of their personalities, and work around that.

I'm distancing myself again from my sister. Honestly, I came home in such a strange mood after that disaster Christmas. I do not get into details about any of this w/my husband. It's difficult to share this kind of stuff w/him, because he's already noticed what a control freak my sister is, but I wouldn't want him to start to dislike her. You know that moment, w/our own siblings that a spouse might never understand, because we are the ones who've known them much longer. Besides,
my sister and husband have an o.k. relationship, and I prefer that it be that way.

Right now I've been somewhat detaching from one of my friends also.
She really started to work my nerves over w/a lot of her attitudes about her health and general well being lately. You know these kind of people who complain, and complain about something but go ahead and do really stupid things that are detrimental to their well being, then they're back at square one, complaining about it. In a nutshell, this is basically my sister also. So I'm trying to end the year on a "No, you can't complain to me right now." I mean, it's different, if it's a legitimate complaint, not just repetition! O.K., Detach, Detach, Detach, my mantra! Much Love, Margeaux

My family is dysfunctional!!!!!! My sister started having sex at the age of 11, my brother dealt drugs to us soldiers at age 12, my father was abusive and drunk most of his life. Mom got the bad end of the deal, she had to put up with abuse, mental and physical. I was raped by my father and brother but back then you did not say anything or every one thought you weren't telling the truth. I went to a teacher to talk to him and guess what he put his hands all over me. I dislike my sister and brother to this day. I take care of my 88 year Mom and they keep asking when and how much money they will be getting. I finally told them to ---- off and leave me completely alone. I contacted an attorney and will soon learn what I can do to keep them away from my Mom and myself. Life is a bowl of cherries and I do smile every day because I have a wonderful daughter and husband who understand me and know about my past.