The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

NeverKnew- you should NOT have to walk on eggshells in your own home. There is a book and workbook suggested by many here called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Get it. It has helped me alot. You have to be realistic about what you can do and what you cannot. I told my husband about my "running" incident today. Honestly, I thought it was funny, but it made him sad. Tomorrow, we are going to look at an assisted living place near us. We have always had a peaceful home, and now we are all walking on eggshells. My husband has tried so hard, and every effort has been met with ugliness. It is not good for anyone, hopefully, tomorrow will be a good step in the right direction. Look into the book, NeverKnew. I will help deal with the present, and might help to understand the past.

I had a very strange Christmas Day. My husband and me were ready to go out the door, then my husband began to have stomach upset. I had to wait for another hour and a half for him to resolve it. Poor thing as he felt pretty terrible. He encouraged me to go to sister's and moms alone, but I couldn't leave him in this condition. Well he felt better after a while, and we got out the door.
Since we arrived late at my sisters for our Christmas celebration my sister's daughters, one niece's husbands, and their baby had already left to another dinner at her half brother's home.
But my youngest brother, his wife and two grown daughters were at my sister's house, as well as sister's beau, I'd written about a week ago how my sister had called telling me they were on the verge of breaking up. But he showed up.
Anyway, later my other brother and his clan of four grown kids & their babies arrived.
My sister in her usual busy, busy can't stop mode was back and forth in the kitchen warming food, getting drinks etc. At some point, I noticed something was up w/her. This was already towards the end of the gathering.
She and my sister in law have had history of tons of tension. At one time they had words, and didn't speak to one another for the next 15 yrs. They made up. But there's always been this unspoken tension between the two of them. They're both difficult people. My SIL and brother moved away about 60 miles from mom's and the rest of us. SIL is the type of woman who made sure to it she alienated my brother and their two daughters from the family. So this made it difficult for any of us to bond w/them.
Then my sister has her two daughters who have their rather strong personalities.
So before I arrived at sister's Christmas Day, my little great nephew who is only a little over a year, was trying to communicate in his own little way w/one of SIL"s girls. The baby was attempting to give her one of his toys, you know that cute thing babies start doing, when they want to connect w/people. This girl, my niece ignored and wouldn't respond to the baby. Then to make matters worse, my SIL and the other daughter did the same.
So at some point my sister whispered to me that this was the lousiest Christmas she'd experienced. She even started to cry, while she told me this. Of course knowing that this is quite possible for my SIL to do, and totally believed it had been done I was so mad to hear this. SIL likes to do dirty doggy while my brother isn't looking, and we're afraid that she's encouraging her daughters to behave in the same sick manner. But also, my sister's daughters have strong opinions. IMO, sometimes I feel they don't act the best way possible towards their cousins.
Anyway, my sister said, she was infuriated that SIL & daughters had behaved this way w/her grandson. So of course I sympathized about that! But then my sister started to involve her boyfriend in this scenario, stating that he also seems to have issues w/her daughters and that he even behaved coldly towards her grandson.
A big part of me, of course felt very badly that family members would dish this awful attitude towards a baby, because they don't like the grownups. But I also feel that each and everyone of these people involved, in their own way many times exhibit very ingratiating behavior. So they don't have a leg to stand on, in terms of me defending any one of them, including my sis & her daughters. Anyway, the last thing my sister said was something about her boyfriend's participation. She then said, "He's involved in it too, & I hate him." This was so demoralizing for me to hear on Christmas Day!! I asked myself then and there, then why in China get together, if this is the REAL way people feel about one another. I was feeling a mix of being fed up too of hearing at every gather lately where my sis is at the helm of the planning nothing but negativity and perpetual complaints about someone! Yikes!
Anyway, I find it kind of ironic that my husband felt his stomach upset, then we still showed up, and look how it turned out. I don't know, but I'm getting more inclined about thinking of even going to these gatherings in the future. Anyway, I'm glad it's the day after and it's behind me. Margeaux

Welcome NeverKnew! I'm certain you will find a lot of support here.

I have one question. Other than your mother's depression, what other reasons are there for her to live in your house which does not sound healthy at all? I like the idea of her getting her own place to live, but doubt it will make her happy, but it will be a good idea for you.

Your mother sounds like a pro at using emotional blackmail on you.

Know this that you didn't do anything for her to create the idea of your being a bad daughter. You can't control how she is nor can you fix her. All you can really do is place yourself on a healthier path than walking on eggshells by setting some boundaries with concrete consequences.

Love, hugs and prayers for you.

Wow! After perusing the internet about the "normal" signs of aging, "why is my elderly mom angry all the time" etc... I land on this topic.

I suppose I could be a good example of trying to be a caregiver that came from a very dysfunctional family. Physical/mental abuse, sexual abuse, lots of anger management and control issues for nearly every member of the family I grew up in.

My mom is now 73 and nearly 2 years ago we moved in together, for the second time after she was divorced from her third husband. (the longest running marriage was to my step dad of 35 years - the physical and emotional abuser of us all)

I have to say I never even thought of narcissism, but that is how mom is these days. Her physical abilities seem to be dwindling, forgetfulness and lack of stamina. But what I notice the most is her "mean-ness". We used to be best friends, had been for nearly all my life, and now I can do absolutely nothing right. She's begun to refer to herself as having OCD (something new to me until more recently) and seems clinically depressed (this would be the 2nd time in as many years). She is absolutely appalled and angered by my "type A" personality even though I've been pretty much the same for the last 50 years. And she won't talk, about things going on now, about things that have happened in the past.... nothing. You try and bring it up and she just gets angry at you all over again. She tells me that my behavior reminds her of living miserably with my step dad for 35 years.

Bottom line is, I can't do this. Not like this. And she is NOT willing to go see a doctor, she won't even let me work to get her car fixed for her - she just gets angry. Today I told her that perhaps it's better if she find a place to live where she can be away from me and try to be happy. Where she can sit in her pj's until 2-3 in the afternoon and be on the computer for 16-28 hours a day without any responsibility to anyone. I just don't know what to do for her... but I feel so strongly that her past (somewhat sordid - though no one on either side of the family will do much other than to place blame on the other) is catching up and she's terrified of anyone finding out. So she pushes away...

It saddens me, and reinforces the feelings I allow her to put on me that I'm a terrible daughter, quite possibly the worst ever, but I can't live like this. I'm already a cancer survivor and the constant walking on eggshells, only to step on a land mine, in my own home is too much.

MyWitsEnd -that's funny!!! nice visual...

MyWitsEnd~Now you know the knee replacement was worth it all, Lol!! I don't blame you for wanting to stay away from cranky people. I went to my mom's ...took over a large plate of leftovers from yesterday's dinner. She is having a bad day, very confused about some bills, her checkbook register is missing again. I had her write a couple checks for bills, she started accusing me of messing up her paper work and blah, blah, blah. So I took the bills and left, dropped them off at the post office. I was there for an hour and no point in staying longer we just would have ended up arguing and it serves no purpose. I am glad you got some down time even if you had to run!! Have a good day!

Ok. Just a little funny. MIL started the day very cranky. I heard her complaining about gifts to my husband, and decided I was not going downstairs today. I was going to put my feet up and read. I am not entirely unjustified as I had a total knee replacement three weeks ago. The last two days were exhausting. Later, my husband took his mother to the store. I decided to venture down and do some chores and get a snack. I was in the family room when I heard the garage door go up. Crap! Before I knew what I was doing, I RAN to the stairs. By the time I got upstairs, I was laughing. Partly because I felt like a busted teenager and partly because I was so thrilled. I haven't run in years. Yeah!

Thank you Joan, that helps so much. I have decided I have to find a counselor. I am mostly hands off and overseeing, I'm called in just on holidays. I will be back.

(((((lyn)))) time and distance are the things that help me too. After the emotional abuse you have suffered -yes neglect/ignoring is emotional abuse, I don't know how you can care for your parents. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, recommends that those who have been abused do not do direct caregiving, but arrange for others to do the hands on work, and simply oversee from a distance. This is what I have had to do, Anything else is too stressful. Do I understand it right that they are in their own home and you are a hands on caregiver at times? It is appalling that both your parents and the caregivers treat you that way.
Please do not feel stupid over your reactions -they are honest and due to the abuse you had as a child, and still have not healed from. I don't know if we ever completely heal from that abuse. I know I haven't, and need times apart, especially after a session of more emotional abuse.

What else can you do? It is not necessary for you to be a hands on caregiver, (even not wise), but just to oversee that your parents are getting adequate care. It sounds like they are getting to a point where a facility may be the best alternative - not assisted living, but a nursing home of some type. Your own health is suffering by the present situation, the old hurts are being raised up, and compounded with new hurts. I know that scene well. Please look at some alternatives, so you can get out if this and take time, and distance to heal. Have you been in counselling/therapy to help you with your family issues? I go off and on, and it does help.Dear soul, you need a break from being put diwn continually. Others here have done it - and you can too. You can simply state that you are not able to carry the role you have any more, and other options need to be explored and taken. You could talk to Social Services, and the local Agency on Aging about alternatives and see what suggestions and help you can get. (((((((hugs))))) come back and let us know how you are Joan

I am so glad to have found this! Like Pegdbee its only with time and distance that I was able to really appreciate, and start to understand and maybe heal a little from the dysfunctional family that was mine. I think the simplest way to put is, there is as always a lot more to it, but simply, we were basically 3 people who just happened to live in the same house. I can now see all the things, all the ways that I tried to make us be a family, but none worked. My mom and dad got along ok, they just didnt really have time for me. I always felt like an invisible interloper. Now they both are in need of care, my mother has been on hospice with Parkinson's for about 3 years now, and my father, about 2 years ago, started having multiple health issues, starting with kidney failure,including his heart stopping twice, having his gallbladder out, pneumonia, ending with a stroke about a year and a half ago. After years of beating my head against that wall, I recognize it when I see it, and still am being treated that way now not only by my dad, but also by the 24 hour health care providers that are at my parents, so I have given up, and just do those things that HAVE to be done, like pay the sitters, and all things like that, but after a holiday when I have to be the only caretaker, I am an only child, single with no children, so its me and only me, I then have a whole day when I fall apart, and cry and just hide. I feel so stupid for it. I am usually the person who can handle those things that pop up and have to be taken care of, but while I am surrounded by the old hurt of all that, and still stupidly wishing that we could be a real family, while watching the, what must be torturous and seeming unending, death of my mother, I just get so angry. And then I get mad at myself for being a part of the problem. I really had learned how to handle their distance and had developed a functional pattern with them. Now it just kills me. I dread holidays now, because I now I will have this emotional upheaval. I avoid their house, which makes me realize that I always have, as an adult, and hate having to be there, of course, but its so hard to see what is happening to my mother, and be treated like outside interloper. But what else can I do? I was crying, lashing out, and my neighbor stopped by to give me a Christmas pie. She had to have heard me, but I just cannot help it anymore.

Welcome alabama - I am sorry to hear the you are re-experiencing your childhood abuse. I am glad you are taking her to court. She sounds like a very controlling and angry person. My sis is very narcissistic and manipulative, but mother gave me POA, as she knows sis won't help her. Mother is narcissistic too, so it isn't an easy situation. Let us know more as it unfolds. You need support as you are going through this. ((((((((hugs))))))

Happy Boxing Day everyone. Hope yesterday went well for everyone.

thawing a turkey in the car - Woah!!!
margeaux, I am very sad about my friend -she has stuck with me through so many things, and we both have lost a son, and been a support to one another. Her health has been going down hill since she moved into an ALF. Glad your friend is OK. I think the food has a lot to do with what is happening to my friend, and also that she does not have to be as active as she was in her home. I get overwhelmed sometimes by the housework, and really should hire someone to come in, and do floors, and bathrooms every few weeks, but then I have a good day, and get quite a bit done, and I know the exercise is good for me. My biggest problem is getting rid of stuff I don't use. If the house is not cluttered it is much easier to keep.
sharyn -glad you got the turkey sorted out, and had a good visit with your sister. I bet work was very busy - people leaving things to the last minute. Here the plants go 24/7 every day of the year, so lots of people work on holidays, but the stores close. I don't think there are any grocery stores open here on Christmas Day. I think it was better for your mum to stay in her home -too much for her.

I gave Toonie some treats and he threw them up - his poor old tummy just can't take anything different. however it was all uphill after that. I had a lovely dinner with ds and dil, and we went to Les Miserable and really enjoyed it.

Everyone check in and let us know how your day went. I have to get ready for turkey dinner, and guests tomorrow night, get my hair cut, nails done, and pack for going away -sparkles and sequins and maybe animals prints too lol

Love to all

Margeaux~ I put the turkey in the sink filled with water and was able to thaw it that way, Lol!! I can't believe they put the turkey in the trunk, Lol!! The particular store I work at closes for Christmas, but there are many stores in the chain that do not. We have two stores in town and the other store was open. They can't force us to work on Christmas. They ask for volunteers to work in the other stores and offer them $100.00 bonus for working an 8 hour shift and $50.00 for a half shift. Many people will volunteer to work. I don't know if other grocery stores do it that way. I did have to work Christmas Eve till 7pm and I finally covered the salads and turned off the lights to the deli counter so I could finish cleaning by 7 which I am not suppose to do. We are suppose to wait on customers to the very end of our shift but they just kept coming in. Even when I was leaving the store @ 7 people were trying to come in and they were turning them away. It can be high stress especially during Christmas. We bake a large production daily of pies, dinner rolls, and other breads but by 7-8pm the stock is down or gone and customer get very angry. The baker comes in the week of Christmas as early at 1 or 2 am daily to get started.

I had a nice visit with my sister. Since my mother refused to come over for dinner, sis and I were able to visit and enjoy each other without mom demanding to go home right after dinner. I really think mom can't follow our conversations anymore so she comes up with these excuses to not participate. She never was very social with the family when we would get together even at her house she was always in the kitchen doing something and would never sit down to talk with the rest of us. She still does that when you go to her house. She has never been comfortable in her own skin.

I hope your Christmas day was great one. Did you go to your sister's or stay home? I am glad your friend's test came out good, I am sure that is a relief. Well, I gotta go and big hugs back to you!!

Sharynmarie,

I was in a supermarket yesterday, and it came to mind the fact that employees who work in stores have really high stress, and with the holidays the demands consumers have for food & beverage. I was in a cashier's line, thinking too, "Gee, I sure hope this person gets the time off to be w/their family."
I'd forgotten to say that I'm sorry you went to the ER, also. Take care of yourself, don't want you run down, my dear! Big Hugs! Margeaux

Emjo,
No kidding you have been busy!
This news from your friend and her Masectomy is something very difficult to hear.
My neighbor too, has had some breast cancer issues in the past. She had to go for a second check up of which I know she was very scared about last week. I gave her moral support. The follow up was positive, so we were happy about that!
It is very good that your daughter-in-law trusts you enough to talk about her abusive childhood. Given this and the calls from your mom, I can see why you're getting your booster shots on detachment!
Thanks, Emjo, I needed to read the points you posted.
How nice, that Gary was going to see his grandchildren and his excitement.
A great big hug to you, Much Love, Margeaux

My older sibling who abused me as a child, (physical, emotional) decided to take controll of my Dad. She went to court, lied and is now his guardian. In doing so, she controls when I visit or call. All the evil put upon me as a child has returned. I am taking her to court over this, so if you were abused, just wait.

Sharynmarie,

Did your turkey thaw out? This has happened to me when I'm planning to roast a chicken. A couple of years ago I saw on the news a report about a couple of postal employees who took their frozen turkeys to work with them, left them in the back of the trunks of their cars to thaw out in the heat. It was a funny story, and unbelievable people would do something so bizarre. Of course the point of this report was to teach people about safe thawing of poultry.
I'm sure your turkey was great, hope you and your family enjoyed the entire day.
Much Love, Margeaux

Merry Christmas to Everyone!
I hope all of my friends here, have had a good holiday, and are now safe and cozy at home. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

(((((MYWitsEnd))))) I hear you!!!! They really are impossible, This morning mother decided that I was the cause of all the problems she is having now -which frankly, aren't many. Once in a while the home care girls are late coming to make her dinner, and she is makng a federal case out of it. Give me a break!!! She s fortunate to have what she has.

sharyn, I hear you too - Gary remarked that this latest "crisis" was well placed to land at Christmas, I don't stuff turkeys any more. I do stove top or in a casserole. Gary swears by cooking the turkey still frozen -low heat for a long time and it does work. You can start it in the morning and not have to worry about thawing. It can be stuffed after a couple of hours in the oven, but you need silicone oven mitts for that. I found a small unfrozen one for us for the 27th. There won't be many leftovers. I don't know that Gordie's friend will come, but I think he will. I hope so. He is in BC, so quite a distance away,

Nap time, I think so I can stay awake for 3 hrs of Les Mis after dinner. ;-D

We made it three hours before MIL started rejecting gifts. This might be a record!

Merry Christmas!!!

We got the turkey in the oven a big achievement since I forget to get it out of the freezer on the 23rd. It is stuffed to the max, Lol!! I use those oven bags to cook it in and make sure the stuffing is 165 degrees and all is good. Talked with my son earlier. They are having a big breakfast with his wife's family and dil ( a massage therapist) has a massage to give later today. Haven't talked with my daughter yet as she and her husband are at the movies (a tradition in his family).

Joan~Don't feel too bad about your mom. Mine refuses to come over for dinner because she says she doesn't feel well. It amazes me how she finds ways to make herself the center of attention during the holidays. But like you said...it's not our problem. How wonderful for Gordie's friend to contact you!!! That is a great gift and I hope your visit with him is a good one.

Yogi~I agree you are handling it well. Please know you are part of our family now and we are thinking about you!!

I do all my prep work for the dinner the night before so all I have to do is stuff the turkey today. Gotta go get the table set and wash a few dishes. Have a blessed day everyone!!

Merry Christmas all - here the cat is throwing up, because a treat was too rich for him, and mother has started with the nasty emails already. Not a Hallmark Christmas scene for sure, but, you know what, it is OK. Not my problem, other than cleaning up the floor. Thankfully it has warmed up and is only minus 6 which is better than a few days ago at minus 24. It is supposed to be going up above 0 for the New Year.

((((((Yogi))))) I think you are handling it very well. Crying lets off some of the pressure. Good for you

I had a really nice surprise when a friend of Gordie's from high school contacted me on fb. Couldn't figure out who was writing "Hi Mom" at first. He stayed with us for a bit in those days, and went to bible college, and became a missionary. Things have taken a down turn for him now. I invited him to come and visit. I would love to see al 6'2" of his gangly frame lol. What an unexpected blessing!!! I have wondered how he was for years. This is a lovely Christmas gift for me.

Best wishes and blessings to all Joan

Merry Christmas, all!

Book, one hour at a time is how I will handle nut being able to spend the time with my mom. I give myself the chance to cry for a few minutes then I'm ok. I've been doing 4-6 times a day. I think it makes me stronger and I realize I can handle it a little easier. I don't allow myself to think of her 24/7. If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Merry Christmas!!

Joan, thanks. You still are a great teacher! Just because you retired does not end your teaching skills. Kudos to you! HUGS!!! Book

P.S...I never even thought of asking people here about detach/boundaries with what is happening in my home situation.

Hi Yogi. I hope xmas is not going to be a bad time for you. If you post here, I may not be able to respond right away because I will be back at work. Know that I will be thinking of you and knowing that you will be thinking of your mother. And all the caregivers who have recently lost loved ones this year... ((Lefaucon - I will also be thinking of you.))

Glad you are off a few days now sharyn - I need to read about detachment periodically - a booster shot. yes - let them be miserable by themselves - I am all for that
well said MyWitsEnd -mothr is the same -nothing you give her is ever quite right - always something to b*tch about. I think these people are very jealous - they always want to be the center of attention. You can't please them - or not for long. I agree it is futile. Do what you think is right and then let it go, and live your life. If she wants to be huffy - her problem, not yours.
book you are welcome - I still need it in front of my face sometimes. detaching is separating yourself emotionally, socially, spiritually, even physically from anoither person. - to be indifferent, remote from them. It does not necessarily mean you ignore them, just that you don't let their behaviours affect you so much. Setting boundaries is as you did at Christmas with relatives that tried to act superior to you. You refused to be treated like that and did not go back - that was setting a boundary. When my mother is miserable to me, I reduce contact for a while showing her that I will not let it continue. It doesn't stop it altogether but it helps. Good luck with your learning. Ask for ideas from people here about specific situations for detaching and setting boundaries. I bet you will get some good ideas.
Have a great Christmas love and hugs Joan

Heart2Heart, I agree with all the above. I'm still learning to Detach and set Boundaries. Actually, I haven't even started on it because I don't know what it means to Detach/boundaries.

Joan - thanks for that information. I've copied and pasted it on my notes. I'm going to print it out as a reminder whenever father and I butt heads. Thanks!

MyWitsEnd~You are so very right and wise to realize the emotional energy is wasted on someone who is miserable. Misery loves company and best thing you can do is allow them to bring to their level...let them be miserable by themselves. Merry Christmas!!

Heart2Heart- totally understand. My MIL lives with us, and is very difficult. Tonight, she got angry over us not paying enough attention to her. All the kids were home. I guess she was jealous. She attempted to throw a Grinch-like cloud over our good moods. Emjo is right. Detachment is the key. It is not always easy. I have to remind myself often that trying to please someone who has always been miserably unhappy is a futile effort. I just do the best I can. We got MIL some nice gifts. Chances are she will reject all of them with a look of disgust (wrong color, not my style, doesn't interest me....). I will not get mad and I will not let it ruin our day. That gives her too much power, which is what she wants. Tonight, when she huffed off to her room, we put on the movie we were planning to watch and had a great time. Don't let your mother ruin your Christmas. It is very empowering when you decide not to waste emotional energy pleasing someone who cannot be pleased.

Good advice Joan, thank you for sharing it!! These are things we all need to revisit from time to time. My hustle and bustle is finally over. For me it's not Christmas shopping it's work. It is so fast paced and we are on a time schedule in order to get everything done on time. We closed at 7pm but people were still wanting in the door when I left which they turned them away. They still had people in line to process. All I can say is YAY...glad I am off the next 2 days.

(((((Lynn)))))) - so sorry you are in the pits. For some people catering to their every want, seems to make them more miserable and demanding - my mother is like that. This is too hard on you. Plese take a step back, and do some things for you. You only have to see that she is fed and warm and safe. You don't need to care for her every want. Sounds like you need to to detach - emotionally distance yourself. Here are a few hints about that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Detaching
Accept that others are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviours of others
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours

Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.

You only need love others as you love yourself -not more than. Please balance your life by loving yourself more. Christmas is not about your mother and her dysfunctional behaviour, it is about the birth of the Christ child who came to give us hope.
Praying that you start healing from this journey.. expecting gratitude from your mother is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone - it won't happen, (((((((hugs))))) love ♥ and prayers -Joan