The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I'm at the very bottom... hate my mother (come from major dysfunction) after trying to take 'care' of her... catering to her EVERY WANT... and, it's Christmas Eve!... I will never celebrate Christmas again...

Thanks Sue - busier this year than for years.Hope you have a good one, ♥

Merry not Marry

Joan thank you for the well wishes. Sounds like you have been and continue to be very busy. Marry Christmas to you and yours. Sue

Merry Christmas to everyone. It is turning out to be a busy one for me, Just finished my last minute shopping, and delivered gifts to the grandkids. Tomorrow I will have a quiet day and go to my son and dil for supper and to see `Les Miserables in the evening. Gary and I already exchanged gifts and had a nice supper Saturday before he headed south. H ehas two new grandsons - born a week apart and is anxious to see them -the last one from his oldest daughter. The past week or so has been hard forn me - a friend of 44 years needs a second mastectomy, my dil poured out her heart about childhood abuse by her brothers, (explains a lot) and my thyroid is low. Glad dil trusts me enough to share. She is bopolar and needs support.
Gary will be back on the 26th and we will have turkey with middle son and dil on the 27th, then supper with dd and family on the 28th, then head south to Edmonton for dinner theatre on the 29th and visit mother before we return.
She has been emailing me frequently -about 25 emails in 5 days, wanting me to do this and that, but a few hours later it is irrelevant becuase she or someone else has done it. She may hire a nurse to come in once a day to supplement home care and do her shopping, which is now done by some one else. Not a bad idea.
margeaux - thanks for kind comments on the pic. It really was beautiful that morning, but it changes fast. Mother is not moving after all - just a little extra excitement for her I guess. I will have to make the chutney in the new year now I guess. Sounds like you are strengthening your boundaries - goodf
TDB -welcome -hope you are getting the support you need. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate
book - it is good the feelings are coming out - it is healing an dtears are good
sharyn -hope you are well now -no good to be sick at Christmas. We dont drink much either -a few glasses a year at best -some great Christmas memories. I used to cook a big brunch after the gifts were handed out
yogi - glad it is only stress - look after you!!! stress itself can still cause health problems
hi mslisadoll - being blamed, being the scapegoat is no fun - finally i simply reuse to listen to it or accept it - I thròw it back at them
h beanie - venting sure helps. I ket mine know when they hurt me now, more than I used to
burned - glad your kids are getting more gifts. I hopen your family has a good Christmas
cmag - sorry to hear about your dad, and your step dad, but glad your wife is making progress - it does not end does it? Being minimalist works for me!
austin- this is a difficult season for you with the shootings nearby and your mother passed so recently. Hope you and your friend can have some good quiet times
Hope I didn't miss anyone - if I did it is unintentional. On a higher dose of thyroid meds only three days but it has helped already. I am lighting a fire soon, and some candles. It is time to do a bit of reminiscing -just me and the cat!. Tomorrow will be more social.
Wishing everyone a peaceful and enjoyable day, some rest, some socializing, some good food, good memories, good company...
Much love, hugs and prayers ♥ Joan

Thank you Book, we have dinner at home but my sis has a 45 min drive to get here. Well...as far as over eating, I can't guarantee that, Lol!! The dinner is the best part of the day for me with everyone at the table. As far as drinking we don't do much of that, only a beer once in a while. It's 1:30pm here and I just remembered I haven't taken the turkey out of the freezer...oops!!!

Thanks for the positive thoughts, Sharynmarie. For you all, remember, don't overdo with the eating and drinking. You will just end up regretting it ..or not.. Just be careful if you have to drive on the road. Remember - winter time, driving conditions, impatient drivers trying to get to their destination in time and of course...the drunk drivers out there.

We have all reached the eve of Christmas with all the hustle and bustle behind us now. So take a deep breath and slowly exhale!May you all have peace, love, joy and laughter not just during this holiday but throughout the next year too. Merry Christmas to all of you!! Sharynmarie

Thanks Sharynmarie, I am already on anti-anxiety meds. So, no the hosptal didn't give me more or change them. I will have to wait and see the psych doc. I'm suppose to take it 1 mg. 4 times a day but I get spacey and sleep a lot. But I haven't taken it the way prescribed. I guess now I'll have to. I don't want no strokes or heart attacks. Thank you for your kind words. Hugs and Merry Christmas.

Yogi~Sorry you are having a time with stress. It sure can make us miserable. I am glad all your tests were negative...the hospital didn't give you any meds to help you? I know for me...once I found out a symptom is stress I can relax and work through it. I certainly hope you are doing better and can have a nice Christmas. Hugs to you!!

I spent the last 2 days in the hospital. High blood pressure or high pulse. Pains in the chest. Echo done of the chest and stress test done. All came back negative. YAY! Now it's widdled down to being stress and anxiety. I'll go back to my psych doc for different meds for the anxiety.

I do hope ALL of you have the most Merriest of Christmas' and if not with other family and friends from maybe Christmas memories of some time ago. Bless all of you caregiving angels.

I spoke to my sister yesterday. I had posted about her emotional meltdown, last week that she and the beau were breaking up. But it sounds as if they are on again. So I guess I'm just not going to take it so seriously, the flip flopping. HAAH!
But actually, I like this guy for her. I think what she calls his non-communicative nature is more of just a quiet type of man. My sister doesn't realize how overbearing she is at times. Maybe I should get her the book, "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus."

She was also telling me of mom and her awake days w/the ALZ. Normally as many ALZ patients, mom sleeps a lot. When she has the awake days, she drives my sister crazy w/her and endless questions. Poor thing, mom becomes real high maintenance. So my sister had some receipts from the shopping she'd done for her grandson and they were there on the couch next to mom. Mom picked them up and started to look at them. Mom took her through an interrogatory of sorts about them.
My sister became offended by this. She told her they were the receipts for the grandson's gifts, and that she was paying for these w/her own money, and wasn't spending mom's. The descriptions of mother's behavior seems to indicate that she reverts to old attitudes mothers had about her money. I get it. It's a real control issue. Anyway, on this end, my sister is quite responsible, she makes her own money.
When mom has the awake days, she also has a great need to be entertained.
My sister sent her out the door w/the caregiver to get her nails done, then mom asked, "Are you coming w/us?" My sister is feeling the lack of appreciation from mom. Well, now that I know more about the narcissism, "I do."
I tried to explain some of this to my sister. Hope it didn't fall on deaf ears.
Margeuax

Bookworm,
I was reading that post about your family and Christmas.
I guess while we're very young, we are still in that naive stage, so that somehow we can overlook for a moment the transgressions committed upon us by adults.
How terrible this treatment towards your mother by her siblings. It's interesting in families that when there are members who do make more money, or have better opportunities, some people become superior in their minds towards others who do not share the same. As we become older as you've described of your realizations in your teens one starts to see things for what they are. The truth!
It's good that you stood up to all of this and didn't allow your cousins to treat you this way. My best memories of Christmas also were at my grandmother's house.
Oh, how I miss the wonderful smells in the kitchen. She was an amazing lady, who nurtured us. I'm so grateful for this!
You are an amazing person, Book. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
A lot of Christmas music is too melancholy for me. If I listen to any, I prefer the upbeat tunes. I could understand how this would remind you of your son.
I went out to do last minute shopping a day ago. I was really dreading it, had four baby gifts to contend with. But I got pretty lucky, selected some great outfits.
So now I just have my sister, mom and husband's gifts to contend with, but these are easy. I no longer get all the nieces and nephews anything as I'm done w/them in terms of gifts, and it's too expensive, plain and simple.
Hugs to you, and try and find some upbeat tunes, Much Love, Margeaux

Book same here very little Christmas music there is a bit more here this year because of Newtown but not a lot being played.

When I've been driving on the road yesterday, I couldn't find any radio channels playing xmas songs. So, at home, I leave it on the local language channel. I don't understand my ethnics' language..at all. So, I have it on the radio all day and NOT understand anything. Today, I was complaining that all the xmas songs are in a language that I don't understand. Niece's bf started laughing. He's a Filipino. You know the Filipinos and my ...nationality thinks it's a SHAME that we don't understand or speak our language. I say that my parents always spoke English at home and never taught us our language. They respond that it is not an excuse. Uhm...if most of your relatives and the stores, schools everywhere speaks English, where do they expect us to learn our language????

Well, I am a wimp... I was putting the string of light on our tree while playing Christmas music (which we have always done) and the song "I'll Be Home For Christmas" started playing and I totally lost it. I am missing my son so much this year. He has always been a constant in my life. Well...enough blubbering...he has his life too. What is it about mother's and their son's?

Margeaux, I'm doing ok. My wife has navigated the front steps to our house. Today, she's been using the walker less and less.

I had a good visit with my mother in the nursing home. She's suddenly decided she wants to sit up in a chair now and be rolled in to the activity room. This is a major change for her.

Upon visiting with my step-dad today, I could tell a marked decline in his mental ability. After telling him we had just seen my mother before coming over to the house, he asked my son and I twice if we had seen my mother. He even had us living in another town than when we actually live.

I've been a real minimumlist concerning Christmas decorations! That has been good.

Maybe, we will be able to go to church for the second Sunday in a row. Monday, we drive up to see my wife's mother and twin sister. We will return on Wednesday.

Cmag~Glad to hear how your wife is improving, that is great news! I am sorry to hear about your father though. It is so hard when our health starts declining. It sounds like he will be taken care of by your family and you can visit without the responsibility since you have so much on your plate already.

I got all the Christmas shopping done yesterday. Since my son and daughter live elsewhere, I get gifts cards which simplifies things. The tree is up but not decorated. I will do that when I get off work tonight. Hubby has to work swing shift today so I will have the house to myself and can get it done easily, Lol!! My mother's wallet is shot and she uses a rubber band around it to hold it together. I bought her a new wallet. She bought one a couple months ago but didn't like it because she couldn't fit everything in it. Well a lot of the stuff she has in it are duplicate insurance cards or stuff she no longer uses. We are going to go through it and lighten her load so all will fit in the new wallet.

Those of you who are lucky enough to have Monday off enjoy the Christmas weekend. Those of you like us who are working through Monday...hang in there and take deep breaths and enjoy Christmas Day. Happy weekend!!

Cmagnum,
How are you doing?
I'm really sorry about the diagnosis about your father. This is definitely always difficult to hear, no matter what. Yes, it's going to be a decision about getting more help for both your dad and his wife. This was the situation going on w/our mom and her narcissistic sister several years before mother was officially diagnosed by a doctor for the ALZ. At that time, unfortunately the son who'd been chosen as POA, wasn't responsible enough to see that mom was getting this attn. paid to her medically speaking. If he couldn't do it, he didn't have the honesty about not being able to take care of business, and allow one of the other siblings to do it because of his enormous ego. Then layer over that mess, our aunt meanwhile w/o our knowledge knew something was stirring w/mom; she'd been w/mom to all of her doctor's appts., and knew mom was already prescribed some meds for the ALZ. It's good that you've a step sister involved on a variety of levels, I know I don't have to tell you that.
How is your wife's progress coming? I read that she was able to tackle some stairs recently.
O.K., my man....hope you didn't put up too many decorations, remember less is more! Much Love and I have you and yours in my thoughts! Margeaux

True.

Also, my step-mother is receiving care from Hospice. The only reason that they have not already gone over to assisted living is her wish to die at home. However, my dad is not sure this will be possible for much longer. They each have long term care insurance. He told me that they are both so declined that they are really not much support to each other at all. Out of 7 brothers and sisters my dad has lived the longest with his younger sister close behind with Alzheimer's and their youngest sibling is still alive. Also, my dad has about outlived all of his friends. His remaining siblings and other relatives all live in another state.

Furthermore, in addition to her daughter, my step-mother has her son, sister and brother right there in the same town.

Oh, that's good then. You guys have everything covered. I'm glad....no need to go thru the stress of figuring out what to do with your father. Thanks for letting me know.

bookworm, my step-sister has been helping her mother and my dad a lot. She is POA for both of them and executor of their estates. At one time, I was POA for my dad, but he changed that after thinking how far away I am (6 hour drive) with my own health issues, plus a wife on disability and a mom in the nursing home with her own problems that I'm POA over.

Sharyn – Well…you’re brave to wait last minute to get refills for your meds. At least you went to Urgent Care now and not when it’s much closer to xmas. Now I feel bad. I picked up my 1st bottle of Lipitor in Oct. I just peeked inside. I still got over 15 pills left. I need to start taking those pills again.

Cmag – problem after problem with you and yours. Well, just take it one day at a time. Whenever a problem pops up, just handle it accordingly. However, you and fam will need to figure out how long your father will be able to handle living by himself/wife before they will need extra help. Glad your wife is improving.

Margeaux – you definitely sound chipper. and busy…Yeah, the blues seem to be hitting us. I’d say go for it with the decorations to help bring cheer in the place.

Burned - sounds like you made some great deals. I like the part about getting a tablet for only $100. You definitely know how to get bargains.

My parents surprised with 200 dollars in gift cards from walmart and i also went broke getting some extra toys no clothes. Then I got some extra help and more presents otw i hope so ya and then there is gonna be a silly string party in the house or on the porch come christmas day..i also got myself a tablet computer besides my laptop for only 100 bucks and watches for the kids etc..i believe i pulled a miracle and i thank god for the blessings:)

sharynmarie, sorry you ended up in Urgent Care today. I hope you get well soon.

I just learned from my 87 year old dad that the results of some tests have concluded that he has alzheimer's which his younger sister already has. If his is like her's, he will decline very fast and not be able to stay in the townhouse with my step-mother who is living on borrowed time with her pulmonary fibrosis. Dad recognizes that he is bad off with memory problems, hearing the telephone ringing when it is not, and having strange dreams. The doctors from Johns Hopkins hospital are going to give him some meds.

My wife is doing well with her post-op walking with her walker and is doing her PT exercises.

I'm waiting for my new thyroid med to kick in, but that will be another 5 weeks before that is possible and I get more blood work done.

Today is my only day off before Christmas. I had to go to Urgent Care for a bladder infection, YaY!! My dr. is off until after Christmas. I was out of all my meds, HBP, cholesterol, asiphex for my heart burn, so they refilled them all for one month. I am taking a break from shopping but still need to get something for my mother and sister. I am soooo bad this year waiting for the last minute like this. I decided I am not going to put a tree up. Instead I am going to decorate the fireplace, hang stockings and some other things I have to put on the mantel. Then I will decorate in the kitchen around the table only. First I was sick which kept me from shopping, now it's been work calling me in on my days off. Of course I don't have to go in when they call me, but it is feast or famine with hours at work so I work as much as I can when I can. Anyway.....I went by mom's and she has the heater off because she doesn't want to pay a high PG&E bill. She can't remember how to start the pellet stove which is fine with me and sis. I lectured her on not using the heater because it was 63 in the house and she is wearing a jacket. I turned on the heater. Sis and I are going to check on getting a locked cage around her thermostat so she can't mess with it. I know it will piss her off but I just don't care. Turning the heater off at night I understand, but not using, especially right now when our temps are in the 30's at night and 40's during the day is crazy. My kitty even stays in the house during the day except to go out to do his business (I hope in the neighbors yards),Lol...just joking!! Gotta go finish that shopping...hubby is taking me out to dinner tonight for my birthday since I had to work on my birthday last week. Have a good one everyone...Hugs

I couldn't find my Christmas boots that I hang up each year. It's funny, I usually find them in a bag throughout the yr., in drawers when I don't need them. So after digging through my fabric drawer twice, bingo! So they went up on our dining room mirror last night. We do not buy a tree. I love the trees, but I don't like seeing them strewn in people's trashes and alleys, so for sometime I haven't bought a tree. My version of a tree is, I use a tomato wire basket, the triangular ones. Then I decorate it w/lights. So now I plan on making an ornament out of some red fabric I have. I'm exercising my creative side right now, I think it's good.
I've been hearing too many people around me, including my husband being down, so I'm doing everything possible to sway the energy in the opposite direction. Well, today is 12/21/12. There are a lot of interesting planetary alignments going on, so everyone.....I wish all of you a great day, w/the best of energies, love and spirit! Much Love & Light!! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
Yes, my sister did get together w/her boyfriend after a brief breakup last year,
when the narcissist aunt started her Hospice at mom's house last year. But then they made up and have been together this last year. They've had about a 8 yr.
relationship already. Throughout much of it, when she's been having some issues w/him, usually the issue seems to always revolve around issues w/her grown daughters. But w/my sister also, e.g., my mom & deceased aunt have some apartments that were in complete disrepair. When my sister and younger brother became the POA's of the assets, my brother and the boyfriend, who is a plumber by trade, have done lots of repairs on those apartments. Even as my sister was boo hooing to me the other day, she mentioned that she hoped that my brother and the beau would finish the job on one of them, as she'd already missed an opportunity to rent it, since the job was yet unfinished. In this case, I think it's not a wise idea to be recruiting in a boyfriend to do work like this. Boundaries! When my sister makes these kinds of statements also, they have such an air of zero sensitivity that she is using her boyfriend to work for her, and not connecting the dots about how that could create an atmosphere of he not being appreciated, because that's exactly the way my sister operates.
Another feature is the fact that her boyfriend lost his mother this last August.
My sister didn't like the woman, and states that her boyfriend was having a lot of difficulty w/her (also narcissist), so she seems to just want to diss the fact that the man could be grieving, my goodness. No sympathy. I'm suspecting that he is possibly depressed, and she's not tapping into that part of it. She really wants to make it sound as if he's not being cooperative, and communicating w/her, blah di blah. My sister IMO, also has a fairy tale view of her relationships especially w/men. Interesting! Just as your sister, and I know she moves way too fast whenever she's met a prospective man in her life!!
Yes, you bring up very good points about your sister and this man she's pursuing and his meds. I guess our sisters don't stop to look behind what is going on w/someone, it's all about them. The idea about a relationship really changes when one matures, I would think.
It's not the same as when we were just out of high school or college.
In a nutshell, my sister also even w/her exes, never put strong boundaries in place once they divorced, and had to contend w/her girl's fathers coming to pick them up for the visitation every two weeks on wk.ends. At times I guess the two exes still want to operate as if they are still a big part of our family, and that's changed. I'm polite to them, but I'm not very involved w/them when I do see them, which isn't very often. They don't have good boundaries, either. But that's my sister's fault. Oh well, I'm happy that we both see this. I'm really going to meditate on the emotional detachment to assist me in dealing w/my sister.
Thank you sooooo much Sharymarie, I just learn so much from these conversations. It's great to meet a kindred spirit! Much Love & Light, & might I add, Calm Margeaux

Margeaux~From your post, I take it that your sister is back together with this man? It is rude to not say hello to someone who comes in your home to visit another family member, I don't know why some people are like that. I can understand you not wanting to listen to your sister about the break up, it gets old when you can see why it happened and your sister does nothing to change the situation.

My sister has such a fairy tale view of men/relationships she falls for any man who shows interest. She is the first person sales reps see when they come in her work place so one day a sales rep (who comes around often) came in the office. He asked my sister out to lunch (only because he knew he had to go thru her to get to the boss). He flirted with her all through lunch got her home phone number and pretended all kinds of interest. My sis was very excited at the prospect of going out with this man. Only he never called her. Now she is in touch with a man whom she knew as a teenager, he calls her and they went to a concert in S.F. together. She considers them to be a couple right off the bat when he is clearly only interested in friendship. He even told her she was moving way too fast. I get tired of hearing it from her too. She is like a teenager when it comes to men. He lives in Nevada, is on many different meds for depression and PTSD from Viet Nam. She can't understand why he has no interest in a sexual relationship....I told her maybe with all the meds he's taking he can't!!! Here she goes again trying to get involved with someone who is just as or more dysfunctional than she is. Some people never learn.