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Beanie~You are referring to being the scapegoat. Yes it does get old. My mother has Alz now so she doesn't tell me how disappointing I am. It's funny she felt this way about me because I never asked my parents for any money or help of any kind. She based it on my personality being more like my dad's and my rebelling against her during my teenage years. I think many parents make a decision about their kids very early and that is how they see them forever.
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I don't know what to tell my sister. She called the other day and at some point broke down about she and the boyfriend breaking up. They broke up a year ago. That breakup happened on the back of my narcissistic aunt dying. She claims that the boyfriend basically doesn't like the presence of her exes. They've both been invited to such things as the baptismal of the first grandson, and his birthday.She has two ex husbands, w/a daughter each from my sister. My sister claims that the boyfriend doesn't say hello to her daughters. The younger daughter, who is a real PIA, she's very selfish.
Well that one many times has tried playing this game w/m of not saying hello when Sometimes when I have been at mom's house, where she lives on more than one occasion, a hello would not have been said, were it not for my going over to say it to her. She's a very moody girl. So if she does it to me, (aunt), I totally believe she does it to the boyfriend. What I don't understand though w/my sister is the fact that her two daughters are now 23 & 29. They've seemed to have injected tons of interference in this relationship between my sister and the beau. So these are the complaints by my sis, and of course she sides w/her daughters. I don't understand this, since it's not like these girls are under age anymore! Why would my sister allow her daughters to have so much control about her relationship w/this man? So she tells me this, but then she kept breaking down crying a lot about the break up. Yikes!
I had to hear this last year when they broke up then, later they got together again.
So I did give her moral support. But honestly I don't want to hear very much about it this time around. She flip flops too much about these kinds of issues, and I don't know can anyone see something I may be missing. But I'm not going to be so available this time for anticipated emotional meltdown by my sister. Margeaux
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Margeaux~It is called American Gypsies. I don't know when it is on but it is something I wouldn't watch anyway. You would be surprised the things customers will pull to either get something free or get a discount. Usually the customers that do it can afford to pay.
Joan~I hope you get into the dr. to get your thyroid meds adjusted. I am going to go to bed early tonight... to much work this week and so far behind here at home. Well have a good night everyone!!
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Yogi --I'm sooo sorry about your current health situation! Please write back with the latest info. HUGS!!! Book
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Sharynmarie,
I'm curious, what is the name of this tv reality show? Yes, these shows are very questionable IMO. They really like the high drama, and are into promoting stereo types. I know you are not that way. Good that you want more real information. I do not condone these customer's behavior either on a moral scale. Much Love, Margeaux
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hi all - a drive by tonite. Been running around a lot doing errands, and found out today my thyroid is a bit low so need to get into the doc before Christmas. It means I can hardly keep my eyes open this time of night - back tomorrow - hopefully a quieter day and more energy. Hope everyone is getting some Christmas spirit ((((((hugs))))) Jo
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Went to urgent care tonight. Blood pressure 185/92. Last night the hospital with 124 pulse rate. Not caregiving over the past few months has taken it's toll. I'm only 51. I'm scared to death of having a stroke.
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Burned, I'm glad that your kids r gettg presents. the more the better. still remember as a child only getting 1 present (well there were 8 of us kids...)
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hi all

I haven't posted been busy and today my daughter was suppose to go on a field trip but still dealing with the flu and i am sore at myself i barely have any money to help santa out for the kids. I DO Not like this and on top of that i am dealing with the continued loss of my grandmother and then what a shocker that happen to those kids..how can i get in the spirit. on a side note my sister and i are talking but not falling for her games. Parents sent gifts to her..i am waiting to see if they are sending gifts or something else. another friend is sending gifts for the kids so i am getting some help by secret santa's which are blessing:)
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The info I am finding is basically that gypsies in the U.S. are from Romania. It does tell their history, ect. but I think I am looking for current info on their life. I agree that we tend to have out dated info on different cultures which I think may be the case with me regarding gypsies because I visualize a people who are nomadic, traveling around from place to place, fortune telling, dancing...excuse my lack of information of this subject. I hate to see people label others as such and such if they have no real information and are just passing along what they have been told. I am sorry your friend has had such a hard time emotionally. The only thing I can relate it to is when I was growing up...the city I live in was around 10,000 population back then and we were largely an agricultural town. We had migrant workers who came to work the fields. In the fall, we had a lot of kids in school who couldn't speak English and they were very isolated from the rest of the kids at school. I know this is not the same thing but it comes to mind because of the isolation I saw with these kids which was due to a language barrier. By the time I was in 3rd grade, a migrant camp was built with a school and housing in French Camp, Ca. I remember how sad it was to me that these kids were in school all day and no one could communicate with them. This was before we had bilingual aides in the classroom. I think it is a shame that we have that reality tv show on gypsies because the few people I have spoke to talk negatively about gypsies and I see it as further typecasting. I haven't watched it nor did I know about it until a few days ago, but I don't get to watch much tv cuz of my work schedule. Anyway...gotta go, was called in to work today so not gonna get the tree up again. Leave me only Friday to get everything ready now. Have a good day!!
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Thanks Margeaux!! I did look it up but I didn't really find much about gypsies in the U.S. Like I said, I am not trying to typecast any ethnic group because I know that gypsies are in every country. My knowledge about them is basically what you posted about them being nomadic so other than that I am very ignorant on gypsies in the U.S. That is why I thought the people I work with typecast this family based on a T.V. reality show. In order for them to be on welfare, they have to have a permanent address...I guess gypsies in 2012 don't have to be nomadic, however, I can't help but go with my gut reaction on this which is that the people I work with have labeled these people wrong. I agree that all ethnic groups are capable of scamming the system. I am just taken back on the label of "gypsy" because I have never heard this before and I don't know what they are basing it on. Anyway thanks for the info and I will look it up again to see if I can find out something more that isn't about a reality tv show.
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Beanie, I'm sorry but I forgot to mention you and thank you for your understanding. I'm sorry your family is as cruel as mine. ((((((((((Beanie)))))))))
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Book, I have no kids or grandkids. It's just me. That's why my family figures it's my responsibility. As you know, I took care of my mom and her BF for many years. I was not nor am I capable of doing the 24/7/365. Thank you for your comments and well wishes. And especially the very big hugs. ((((((Book)))))))
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Sharynmarie,
A part of my post didn't get posted. This is what I wrote:
Gypsies have settled in many parts of the world. Their nomadic lifestyle in part has been born out of having to leave because they have a long history of persecution.
When ever they have made encampments, usually the rest of society does not offer them much in the way of socialization, and I don't mean a hand out, nor welfare. Education is what I'm talking about, so that possibly they could grow and fend for themselves within society. Romanian gypsies are very marginalized.

I lived in Spain for three years, and I was told over and over again that I looked like a gypsy. On two occasions, I tried renting a room in a hostel. I heard the people at the reception telling one another, "they wouldn't rent to a gypsy." Well, they were completely dumbfounded when I produced an American passport, and said something in English to my travel partner!! A whole town in Northern Spain called Riano was burned to the ground, because the Spaniards didn't want them there.
Anyway, this is the first paragraph before the previous post. Margeuax
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My best friend is half gypsy and Mexican. She doesn't know much about her gypsy heritage, because her father from what she's shared with me about him was a victim of the marginalization his culture must endure. It could explain some of her dysfunction, of self worth, self esteem. She suffers very much from this as a result. Her father did too, he became schizophrenic.
I know that many times people have these archaic beliefs about other cultures, because they basically don't know enough legitmate information about them.
Unfortunately many people are like parrots, they just repeat what they've been told too. I live in a big city, with people from all over the world. Just about every race, has been involved in welfare scams, bookie scams, even municipal government fraud.. So I'm of the firm belief any body is capable of stealing, embezzling or cheating. No one race or culture has a monopoly on that!
Anyway, look it up, I'm sure you're going to learn a lot. Also, I don't think it's so off topic, it is after all about dysfunctioin. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
i
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Oh my gosh, you guys are great!! Thanks for the advice and input! It's a busy day here at work so I'll have to respond more later. I wish everybody could have a wonderful and happy holiday but I know that's just not in the cards for everyone.
One step at a time!

More later.......and remember.........Take Deep Breaths!! ;-)
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Book~I guess that is why I treasure those memories because every other day of the year was a nightmare. Like I said it was only on Christmas day and when we went camping in the summer that we enjoyed each other as a family, the rest of the time we were in survival mode. The contradictions of dysfunctional families. I know what you mean about seeing people in public. I always envied women who had a loving relationship with their mother. My dad continued to play Santa on Christmas well after we were all married. Everyone would meet at my parents to exchange gifts. Then out of the blue my mother stopped it and started sending our gifts to us. She never could understand how she ruined our family time together. My mother just more and more bitter as she aged and I am sure she stopped it to hurt my dad. She complained about how we never got together anymore but couldn't associate her actions to it.
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Yogi – I see the guilt trip Sis is doing. As I read your words, I can SEE it. I don’t think your family will Ever Accept that they did any wrong. You were the one who messed up and so you will be punished. When I first started reading your post, I really thought Sis had a changed heart. No. Was she being sarcastic when she said that she hopes your happy with your NEW life? What, it’s okay for Them to have a life and you don’t? Sigh…same as my family…Most of my 7 siblings got married, have children, now have grandchildren, make way more than I do in income, travel…and Yet, I – who is single with no kids – should care for the parents 24/7 – all by myself! I know how you feel, Yogi… I am SO PROUD of you for Not Falling for that Obvious Guilt Trip!!! I hope one day, that brother will relent and let you see mom. I know that's asking for a miracle but, hey! For those of you who believe in Xmas- this is the time to wish very hard. (I'm not talking about Santa!) Perhaps, God will hear your prayers and answer it.....I hope, one day, that I can be like you. As I read your words, I wanted to just give you a big hard hug! Thanks for letting us know what’s happening in your life.

Hi mslisadoll! If you’re talking about siblings frustration, I don’t have that problem. They did a disappearing act 23 yrs ago. If you’re talking about our parent that we’re caregiving to….yeah, I get soooo tired of being blamed. Really, I don’t take any kinds of pills (herbal, prescriptions, etc..) and Father actually thinks that I take his herbal supplements? He’s on what I call the “accusation stage” of his senility. Get blamed and yet we’re such suckers – we stay on to continue being abused verbally while caring for him. Hang in there and please go ahead VENT, VENT and VENT!!!

Sharyn, you have such wonderful xmas memories. Ha! That’s not just in the movies! It can happen in real life. I always wondered about that. You know, like the Brady Bunch show. I loved it as a kid but it’s really an unrealistic family life. Tell that to kid growing up in a dysfunctional family…I always thought that was just a TV life. But, even now, as an adult, I just find it so…startling to hear an adult child tell their parent in public the “I Lxxx you.” (Sorry, I can’t even type that word. One day I will overcome this problem of saying that 3 letter words.) I’m glad that you had the real deal xmas memories.
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Sharynmarie; your situation sounds like my husband's with his family. Sorry you have to keep dealing with it. Sure gets old doesn't it?! Hugs
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Yogibear and mslisadoll; I'm so sorry that your families are behaving in such idiotic manners. Mine has become like that too. Most of mine have no idea how hurtful they are (or maybe they do.) It does help to vent to people who understand. Hugs.
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Mslisadoll~I too was the scapegoat of the family. To this day my mother sees me as being irresponsible even though I have never asked her for a dime my entire adult life. Please come back again and tell us more about your situation. We may be able to help...even if it is only to offer support.
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Margeaux~ Yes I am feeling better. I was suppose to be off today but I worked because my pregnant co-worker went out on leave unexpectedly so we needed to fill her shifts. She will be out now until after the baby is born. I have to get the tree up tomorrow but I am going to do much less decorating on it than usual. My husband and I even discussed not putting it up at all, but since we have dinner here for family, I thought it would be best to have some Christmas decorations up.

Growing up, we didn't have an extended family. My mother's family is not close and my dad's family is in Ireland. My parents went all out at Christmas for us kids. I am sure it was my dad's doing because my mom is not nor has ever been a generous person with affection, time or money except for herself. I was the one who woke up first on Christmas morning usually around 4am. I would wait until 5 to wake my brother. He is like me and dad, very excited and no matter how old, a kid at heart. Slowly my sister and eldest brother would wake up and all 4 of us would sit in the living room looking at the tree discussing who was going to wake up dad and mom. They told me (every year), "You are the youngest, they won't get mad at you, so you have to wake them up." Lol!! Eventually I would go in my parents room and wake my dad up...."Dad, it's Christmas, wake up!" He always played this game with me saying, "It's not Christmas, go back to bed." This went on for about 10 minutes before he and my mom would finally get up. To a child it was an eternity!! My dad would play Santa and he handed out gifts to us one at a time. Each person opened their gift and passed it around so everyone could share in their excitement, especially my dad's. Periodically we would tell dad he had to open one now. He prolonged the excitement for everyone and it ended up taking about 2 hours to open gifts. Then my mom would make this huge breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, hash browns. We usually went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. Great memories!!
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Nobody's perfect, but it sure gets old being the "one" that gets the brunt of everybody in the family's frustration. It does nothing for your self-esteem either. Get tired of hearing all the hollering and getting blamed for everybody's problems. In any case, thanks for letting me vent.
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After months of not talking to my family, my sis sent me a B'day card. She also wrote a note telling me that she will never understand my thought process as to why I escalated everything out of proportion. Meaning me having to care for my mom 24/7 and me walking away. And saying that my mom is very confused and hurt at my actions. I told her it is not my doing. It is my bro's doing by not letting me see/talk to my mom and that I have made every attempt possible to see/talk to her. I told her I will not accept any blame for what I have not done. I will take responsibility for my misdeeds but not for the other misdeeds of my family. I told her that my life is just as important as theirs. No more, no less. My bro lied to me, bullyied, threatened and harrassed me. I will not stand for it. I have grown up and I can make my decisions for myself for what I do or don't do. She told me she hoped I was happy (finally) in my new life. More trying to make me fel guilty. I told her that I NEVER denied my bro or her to see/talk to my mom. In fact, I encouraged it. They just don't get it. It is getting close to Christmas, my mom is probably talking about or asking about me, we're best friends. I don't think they can handle that and can see how hurt she is. I called my bro and left a voicemaail on his phone 2 1/2 months ago asking to speak to my mom and him. No response no call back. Last thing he said to me was when this is through, (meaning my mom out of her apt. and my bro taking care of her) he washes his hands of me. My family has hurt me so VERY much since Sept. I have found peace with myself. Seeing my mom will start it all over or put me back to 24/7 care that I CANNOT do with my disabilty. Besides, if I see my mom, which I don't know if it will ever happen, we will both be full of tears. My bro will just call it drama and be mad about it and probably not let me see/talk to her again. That's why he won't let me talk to her. When I say I love you to her, she cries. My bro doesn't want the drama. And besides, his life is inconvenienced because he has been, along with his girlfriend, taking care of my mom. Three kids and I, the youngest one, should give up my whole life so they can have theirs. I feel shitty today.
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Sharynmarie,
Are you feeling better? Yes, Christmas can bring up the memories, especially as you wrote about your dad apparently really enjoying it. Good memories. Well I hope you were able to motivate yourself and get your tree up. I'm still trying to motivate myself to hang this boot I made some years ago. I just used some fabric that already had that's red, and sewed some long black fringe on the top of the boot. and if you can believe that I haven't gotten around to hanging it up. Maybe I'll do it when I get off the computer. HAAH! Margeaux
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TakeDeepBreaths, welcome to this place n take your time reading for their is a lot of information here n the people r great as well. Be nice if you could give us some more feedback of you n the person you are taking care of so that we can get to know you too.
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TDB, that's what some people do here - write a letter explaining the True home situation.

It's funny. At age 19, I decided that I didn't want to have children. I babysat soooo many nieces/nephews by the time I reached 19. I never regretted it. I had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons, I was soooo afraid that I would have regretted it - after it was done. Nope. Still didn't want children. Anyway, as a "happy labor" babysitter (oldest siblings didn't believe in paying me for babysitting - it was called "happy Labor"), I insisted that all kids have their pampers changed before dropped off. If they pooped, it will have to wait until their parents pick them up. So, when parents became bedridden - I thought KARMA. I never wanted children- I now have 2 adult "childrent". Hence the falling apart on changing poopy mess pampers. I did not really have much experience on my nieceds/nephews! So, I had to Learn real fast how to clean father. I don't know how others do it, but I Cut His Shirt Off instead of trying to lift it over his head and dried poop falls on his head, shoulders, etc... So far, I've had to cut 2 tshirts! Good thing the tshirts are 3 for $10.00. =)
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TDB you are doing the right thing not enabling-it is hard and takes more patience and time but is the right thing to do. I would fax my concerns to the doc-he or she may even put that in her records-the doc needs to see the whole picture. I am glad you are sharing your experience we all learn from each other here on AC.
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Thanks everyone for your welcomes again. I have a question for you: Mom has a doc appointment this Friday and the doctor is planning to call me during that time so that I can "be there" during the appointment. So, today I am debating whether or not to
a) share my perceptions and observations with the doc before the appt (by phone, via the doctor's nurse, or by sending the info via fax)
b) try to share them during the appointment
c) don't share them at all (not really leaning towards this one at all ;-)

The doc is very open and welcoming of information from what I can tell. Mostly, I just want her to know the real amount of alcohol and the lack of carb control so that she can better treat my mother. I'm know the doc already realizes that what my mother tells her is not accurate so maybe it's not even a big deal for me to get that info out there, or maybe it's best if it's done in front of my mother rather than behind her back. (e.g. "We are only as sick as our secrets.") I'm not looking for confrontation, just accurate information so that treatment can be appropriate. Before my mom was discharged, the doc did sit down with her and tell her that she really needed to be honest with herself and with the doctors, but it's really different perceptions of reality and I don't know that my mom is capable of acknowledging what reality is right now.

So, what are your experiences?? I'm just going back and forth today so I'm putting it out there. :-)

Thanks!
(p.s. I hope and pray I don't have to deal with the poop stuff!!! It was bad enough with my kids. Please..........NO POOP!!!!!!!! ;-)
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Sharyn...Google: Gypsy truths and myths. there is a PDF on the myths. gotta go!
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