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I am having trouble getting into the Christmas mode such as getting my house decorated. Part of the reason is because my kids won't be here, another part is because my husband has never shown much interest or participated in decorating the tree. It seems like so much effort to put up the tree and decorate only to take it all down again in 2 weeks. What happened to my excitement over the the holidays?
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Suffering often takes place either because of our sins or the sins of others. God does not predestine people to sin against other people and cause suffering. Often anger leads to hate; hate leads to blind rage; rage leads to murder; and murder leads to suffering like it did King Herod slaughtering the Bethlehem infants after the birth of Jesus.
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I am already hearing in the news what sounds like an attempt to blame today's massacre on mental illness which plays right into societies erroneous stigma that people with a mental illness are more prone to violence which is not true. Murder is a sin. Evil is real. You shall not murder is one of the 10 commandments. What he did was sinful regardless of him having a mental illness or not.
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My first thought when I found out that it was the son who did the killing of his mother and all those kids...with mom used to be a stay-at-home mother...my first thoughts was if he was a mama's boy and he didn't like that she is now a teacher and sharing all that love to all those kids. Why else go after the kids? He was focusing on killing as much kids as he can - look at all those who died. He wasn't just out to kill his mother...he had anger/resentment on those kids. And then, I thought that maybe it could be the other way around. Maybe he didn't get the love that he now sees his mother giving to her students? Anger/resentment rears up, and he reacts to it. You know, on all the interviews, the kids did NOT know that was gunfire. It was just loud bangs. The kids were walking the hallway without panicking because they didn't recognize that they were in danger. 2 boys were calmly walking and (only found out later) bullets were flying by them. A teacher opened the classroom door and grabbed them and pulled them in the room. Kids in the gym didn't know it was gunfires - just a long of bangs. Until the police opened the gym door and ordered them out. Those kids just didn't know what was happening.
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I do not like to make judgements, but in keeping with the topic about dysfunctional families, the young shooter left his dead brother at home, and went to his mom at the school, etc.
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That shooting is not far from where I live in CT actuallyyy former dil lives in the town where it happened my grandson goes to a bording school on Cape Cod but he is in high school. Years ago I was asked to pick my granddaughter up from school in my town and the receptionist did not ask me for ID I was shocked-I said don't you want some ID she said no. After Colnbine I thought schools would be more strict-this is a hard way to learn lessons.
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And why the mall shooting in Portland? And why all the drive-by shootings in in Oakland, CA? Then there is the high murder rate in Detroit. They sent troops & missiles off to Turkey today.
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LillyLu, what I don't understand with these shooters - why the children? What did these elementary kids do to that shooter? Those kids that survived the incident will be traumatized for life. Sigh...I just woke up to hearing this news.
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EMJO: Living around addicted smokers is a quiet horror. I vowed in '74 never to marry an addicted smoker like my step-father. Now look at me! I have tried & tried to recommend things; Nicorettes, patches, or Chantix. No one listens. The tempers get short now. I hear on TV now how 27 kids were just killed in a shooting. I am always distraught to hear these things, but no one listens about gun control either. Any of us may be gone at any time these days. We could be at the mall or on a bus or anywhere... God Bless!
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Yes Joan, I did mention that a while back. When I read that list I posted of emotional abuse, I was shocked to see abuse in the past from people in my life.

I ask for everyone's prayers for the people in Connecticut regarding the horrific shooting and senseless loss of life of innocent people.
Hugs to everyone!
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sharyn - in a post some time back you mentioned that you didn't always know when you were being abused - talking about emotional abuse here. I can really identify with that. I have had "normal" friends tell me that I shouldn't take :"this" or "that", and I really rely on them at times to give me feedback and a "reality/normality" check. When you are brought up in a dysfunctional family, it is very hard to know what is normal and what isn't, and I see many of us struggling with that. Hope the bronchitis is disappearing, and you are feeling better.

Margeaux - I cut off before sending love to you, so much love back, and to sharyn and everyone. It is great having the support of this group and others on AC

Love, hugs and prayers - Joan
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(((((((LillyLu)))))))) Cigarettes are addicting. Is your husband looking for work, or not able to work now? That is very hard on a man, but I hope he doesn't take it out on you. Having two people to look after is really too much. You say your mum is getting close to the end of life. Does she have health conditions other han arthrtis and vision problems? These should not bring her life to an end, though they can be very disabling. Please do look after you.

hi Margeaux - I did have a good time, and it was great seeing old friends. Today, Mother did give me the phone number of her friend who is helping to arrange this move. I will call the friend and find out more about what is happening. She doesn't know yet how much of her furniture she can take with her. Gary and I can help with some if it - he would do most of it anyway. Last move I had professionals move what she needed, and we looked after the rest - which was most of her stuff and I still haven't sorted it all out. The CFS/FM doesn't allow me to do too much. She doesn't have as much now, thankfully.
Distance is good, Margeaux. I am glad you are working on that. I find the more distance, the better I am. Is that your neighbour friend who is calling? I agree you have to watch it with friends too. There needs to be a balance -of her stuff and your stuff, and good news and bad news. If I have troubles I want to talk over with a friend, I always make sure I let them know the resolution. It only seems right. A break and/or boundaries there sound good. The FM (fibromyalgia) seems to be OK right now. I watch my sugar/carb intake carefully which seems to help. Right now it is just fatigue which means I can't do much which gets a bit frustrating. I took a pic of the sunrise this morning, and am using for my avatar for a while. it was beautiful. Such things give me a lift. Are you making big plans for Christmas - doing baking, or any special dishes?

On another thread we were talking about latkes - potato pancakes. Sharyn had a different version than I am used to, but they sound good.
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Hi Emjo,
It sounds as if you had a great time in Niagra Falls. It's always more than good to see old friends, good for the spirit!
I certainly hope that this new move for your mother w/be a positive one.
Really I hope for your sake, that she did ask someone else to move her stuff.
O.K., yes I'm trying to work more on the boundaries! I haven't heard from her for a few days. I will call her probably tomorrow, however currently I'm really trying to create some distance. I figure no news is good news. I even have a friend right now, who has been calling me w/lot's of news about her high blood pressure. I've been more than supportive. The other night she called me to tell me of some crazy drama, which really could have become dangerous. So when I was done w/that phone call, I thought maybe I should take a bit of a break from her too. I mean how much bad and negative news can one hear from people?
This friend has been in this mode for the last year, so even if she's a friend, I have to watch that also. You know these people that start calling you w/their drama, then when things balance out, you don't hear from them. Yikes!
I hope the fibromyalgia calms down. Much Love, Margeaux
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Emjo: Thank you for the reply. Yes, my husband has become an addicted smoker. His temper is coming around more often now. Unemployed too. But mom is getting closer to end of life. She spills everything. Arthritis & glaucoma have disabled her. I just have to press on.
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((((((LillyLu)))))). That must be very hard, Is there any way your mum could move to be closer to you? In my view you and your hubby should come first. It must be very difficult to look after your mum and also your husband. How are you doing in the midst of it all? You have qute a heavy load.
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I am 1762. Yes, my marriage is dysfunctional since I spend so much time with my mother 1,500 miles away. My hubby has a hearing disability and needs care too.
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Enriched~I am glad your mom came home and not out driving.Good for you for getting back to Al Anon and counseling!! Take care!!
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((((((enriched))))) glad your mum and everyone else in the roads are safe. Counselling and Al Anon sound good to me. I have been compiling some info in detachment, and needed it myself today. Hope you can keep yourself emotionally safe. I don't know how you live with it -well actually I do, - ex had a prob in that area, but that was a long time ago and I couldn't do it again. Mother and her BPD and narcissism is bad enough. Look after you!!!!
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Mother has returned—it worked again. Counseling & Al-Anon ON THE WAY!!!
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Thank You All—I just had my suspicions conformed re: my [78 yr. old] mother does not even remember the ugly things she said to me [inebriated] Friday night. Upon arriving home after work this evening, she just left the house w/a handful of roadmaps & unkempt hair [7pm in Dallas]. It is dark & one of her issues/fears [well-founded] is her poor night vision. I feel sick.
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I informed my psychiatrist about my thyroid which she appreciated and she is hopeful also that it will give me more energy and life my mood. My doctor and the pharmacist said it would take about 6 weeks before I really noticed a difference. In 6 weeks, I have more blood work done focused only on my thyroid to see if the dose is correct. I sure hope they don't have to stick me three times again in order to draw blood.

My wife did more walking with her walker as we got out of the house today and went various places to shop, etc.

Take care all and to all prayers, love and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hi All!!
Cmag~ It sounds like you may have found the answer to why your energy is low. Now, I know you have not been pregnant, Lol!! but after my daughter was born, I had a low thyroid. At that time (mid 80's) I was told I would have to take Thyroxine for the rest of my life. By the mid 90's it started running a little high and I was told that it is common for pregnancy to deplete the thyroid and it is not condition I had to continue to treat. I know hypothyroidism is very different, but at the time it happened, the meds made a big difference in how I felt. I am happy to hear that in time you should be feeling much better.
Joan~Glad your trip was enjoyable and how fun to meet up with old friends!! I saw your pic of the falls...so much raw power in all that water!! Theater tickets sounds wonderful, I hope you get the date you want.
I am feeling better, but not fully recovered. The bronchitis is a bugger so I am going to go to the doc tomorrow for an antibiotic. Yesterday I took mom grocery shopping, I had some groceries to get as well so we each had our own carts and did own thing. At the check out, mom started putting all her groceries back in the cart after the clerk scanned them, but she didn't put it in bags. The courtesy clerk came over and asked her if she wanted bags, mom said no...but she looked confused and so was the courtesy clerk, Lol!! I quietly told the clerk to bag the groceries and that she (mom) is just confused. Poor mom. Today my sis and I met over at mom's to replace the felt like strip on the threshold on her front door. Surprisingly enough, mom has been very pleasant to be around lately. She misplaces things daily but always finds them in a few hours. It is easier to let her look for things than for me to be running over there daily. I too need structure. My job is so fast paced that on my days off I don't want to rush and the end result is I don't get things done like I want to.Something to work on for the new year. For some reason, I have more energy at night, but can't do things then without waking up hubby. Everyone take care and happy health to all!!
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austin - good idea. I may try that.
margeaux - good for you clueing into people pleasing, and setting more boundaries. I found as I get older I don't have the energy for these :battles" so better boundaries are a must
book - hope you can find some time for you. I know you have a huge load with bith parents and a job, Could you get audio books to listen to in the car?
cmag - the thyroid meds will take weeks to fully kick in. I have been on it for years, but you will likely notice some improvement quite soon. I check my level about every 2 months as mine was bouncing around, Not everyone needs to do that. Good luck with structuring your day - something I should work on too, since retirement.
sharyn - wondering where you are, and how you are. Those infections can really drag you down. Hope you are recovering, and your mum is behaving.

Everyone - look after you. Love Joan
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I know I need structure in my life especially with housework-I set a timer for an hour and do not stop working until the timer goes off then give myself about 15 min. to go on the computer or read then back to work for an hour after doing this 4 or 5 times I am surprised how much I get done. I also need to know a few days ahead what I will be doing on each day-my new friend tends to want to wait to make plans and that does not work for me so he has to decide at least the night before if we are going to see each other on a certain day.
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Hi Bookworm,
Thanks for the compliments about setting boundaries. It's a big work in progress my dear, believe me. I too have been someone in my family that doesn't rock the boat.
I've also done my share of people pleasing. But being around especially someone such as my sister, who is a big controller, plus one of her grown daughters, I've grown tired of listening to my sister's flip flopping attitude about a variety of complaints. She'll complain and complain, gets me convinced that she is having an issue w/something. Then she's tried of course getting me involved into sympathizing with her. But then a few days later, she just flip flops to the complete other side of what her current drama is. So now that I've zeroed into this factor, I'm deciding I just limit certain topics she wants to unload on me. Besides we have such different philosophies about life, so I know what I have to say to my sister is never going to fit what she wants to hear, and I don't have the energy for that anymore, I'm discovering. So these are the kinds of boundaries I'm trying to put in place. Oh, and I slip up. But I think it has a lot to do with basically learning about the people that can push your buttons, and trying your hardest to walk in the other direction.
You can do this Bookworm. This is what some of us here call exercising the emotional muscle, and detachment. You can do it, you can do it, you can, you can.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Cmag - I can't really give you advice since I don't follow it either. I was SUPPOSE to put aside like time each day to read my Forgiving Book, andother time for the Regular book and then this site. I seem to prefer AC than any of the books. Gotta improve on this...My question to you...Can you brainstorm fast? How long do you need to write something for your book. Is 30 min. too short? How about 1 hr? I'd recommend the book writing maybe first thing in the morning, when your subconscious was fertile all night and you wake up more refresh than any other time. If you write on the book at night, you might be too tired at night to think properly or effectively. Later! book
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My first endocrinologist had mentioned some concern about my thyroid being a low normal several years ago, but now it has gone beyond a low normal. Of all of the tests that were run when my energy crashed in 2011, no one thought about checking my thyroid. This normally develops over time and maybe it was crashing then. There is the possibility that it might take a week or so of taking this medicine before I really begin to notice a difference, plus the doctor must check in 6 weeks to see if I need more which would mean more time until I really know a difference. I sure hope this helps. I was surprised to learn that one symptom of hypothyroidism is dry skin. Well, the skin on my forearms has been dry and flaky at times so maybe that will go away also.

Tonight, I read another chapter in this book about getting things done when you are depressed. It suggested picking someone you respect to be your pretend inner drill sergeant to help motivate you to get out of bed in the am, etc., etc., so on and so forth. Sounds sort of silly and good to me, but then the next chapter really hit home. Structure. The lack of structure in my life does not tend well for my bipolar disorder and particularly when I'm cycling down into depression. With my mother in a nursing home an hour away and her past due tax crisis over with, both of our children off to college, and my being on disability as is my wife, I'm finding it tough if not impossible to structure my day, much less my week. I am doing some writing of a book that I hope to publish, but I'm not scheduling myself writing time to write each day. Other than appointments to see the doctor or therapist, my life and my wife's life lacks structure. All I can think of is to create a structure of when to get up, when to go to bed, what one thing I could do that needs doing in the house, what one thing could I do that needs doing in the yard, when could I walk the dog, when could I write (I tend to like to do that at night for some reason), and when could I go to the YMCA which I've not done now in years, plus when do I want to have breakfast, lunch and supper ready? Well, I guess that having written this, I've now answered my own question. Now how much time to allot to all of these so that I fill the day?
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cmag - glad your test results were better than expected and you had a good therapy session. Getting onto thyroid meds should help your energy levels. Hope that it works!
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ditto to what Sharyn said and thanks to AC for the gift card and providing the opportunty to share and learn here.

I have been away for a week, and in that time my mother now tells me she is moving out of her ALF, into a smaller place with a registered nurse who cares for 6 people. She was evaluated where she is a couple of weeks ago, and at that time she told me she was staying where she was. .I have no idea what this place is like, who runs it, or anything about it.. She says she does not know when she is moving. I wrote and asked her a few questions, including if she needed some help with the move. Normally she does not answer any questions I ask. She is in a 2 bedroom apartment she set up from scratch a couple of years ago -it didn't make much sense to me at the time. She moved from a 2 bedroom apartment to a one room unit in an ALF, ave me all her stuff to deal with, then, 6 months later, to this 2 bedroom unit in the ALF she is in now. She has maximum help available from this ALF, and has many complaints,(as always) and I have felt she needed more care, so am glad this is happening, but do not look forward to dealing with a full set of furniture etc again. She has not asked for my help so may have asked someone else to do it. I wrote her back and said Gary and I would help. Not much more I can do. I hope this really is happening, and that it is her last move.

Hi to everyone. I have been whacked by a few sessions of the fibromyalgia, managed to avoid it during the trip, though my gut acted up - could have been worse. Tired now from the travel, but it was good seeing friends I hadn't seen in 18 years, and also seeing Niagara Falls.and becoming a little more confident about travelling now.
sharyn hope you are feeling better from the infection now
book -i agree -write down what is on your mind - look at what you want to achieve in the therapy. I rinse my sinuses with a dilute hydrogen peroxide solution -start with 1 drop in 40, then up to 1 drop in 20, and then to 1 in 10 if you need to. It seems to work. I use the little saline bottles and add the peroxide. Chicken soup is great too
elderly - vent away - it helps. I always have tons to say in therapy. My last session for this time will be this week.
enrished - look after you first - save your resources for your needs as much as you can
margeaux -ginger in the chicken soup sounds great! I agree that sugar is bad for the immune system
cmag - looks like you and your wife are making headway with her condition, and that you are taking time for you - good
lildeb, austin, burned and everyone else hi, hope you are good.
Love and hugs Joan
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bookworm, The only things that I would add to what has been said about therapy above is that there are cognitive behaviorist type therapists who want to give you something to read or something to do to help you with a specific issue like boundaries, co-dependency, addictions, anger management, forgiveness and so forth. They are not always all that comfortable with supportive talk therapy which is the style of other therapists who help you deal with things as you open up about them. It takes time to develop the level of trust between therapist and client to open up more and I can understand how a very private person would find therapy a challenge to work on.

Usually the therapist and client come to an agreement on how often to meet which can be modified at any time.

I had a good meeting with my therapist today and much better results on my lab work for my annual physical than expected, but was surprised to learn that my thyroid is not working hard enough. So, a new med for that problem and in 6 weeks more lab work to see if I'm at the correct dosage.
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