The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you to AC for the gift card!! We appreciate all that your staff does for this site, it is a place to come to for support, answers, to share, and meet wonderful people.
Merry Christmas,
Sharyn

Hi Book~If you want to discuss anger management then stress that to him. What triggers your anger? Depression is also anger turned inward. Do you feel like your anger is always there just under the surface, easily ignited? You know that whatever you decide to work on, we are here to support you, Hugs to you my friend!!

Book~what do you want to achieve in therapy? Coping skills, boundaries,overcoming depression, overcoming low self-esteem, becoming more assertive. Talk to him about what kind of situations cause you to become depressed and unable to cope with those feelings. Do you need to work on overcoming anger from your childhood? Think about it and set some goals to discuss with him. Sometimes writing down what you want to talk about will make it more clear in your mind and easier to say. I have the opposite problem, I can talk one on one but not in groups.

therapy is that way sometimes, in a way we are often better in a support group with others like us. Personally I ran out of time in therapy as I had too much to say! My husband and I were in the same room, and by the time, I was done, they thought he needed intensive therapy lol..but this was about childrearing and letting the teenagers run my house. Not mom..they are one issue, and she is another. I have quite a moldy group to deal with let me tell you. If I could have seen ahead I would have made WAYYYY different choices, but I am one to stick it out. My girlfiriend said she would have run away a loooong time ago.

Can I ask you something? I've had my 2nd one-on-one counseling. The first time, he did most of the talking but it validated what I was going through. The 2nd time, he wanted Me to bring it up whatever is in my mind. I'm very introverted. I don't like talking about personal stuff to strangers. So, this past therapy, I was struggling to find subjects. I even cut it short because I had nothing to say. He wanted weekly, and I replied without thinking, "No! I'm having problem now. What are we going to talk about every week!!" He said - anything.

Is this how therapy is? I have to be the one to keep the conversation going? It's really stressful if this is the case. It's going to be like pulling teeth, thoughts, ideas every time we meet...I'm just wondering...

I think I am probably the person who gave you the idea for this thread! lol, the first thing I did in awhile that was truly positive and actually appreciated! Thanks for starting this thread! A place to vent and communicate!

Enriched -- as I read your venting, I couldn't help compare your mom with my father. I swear, we would pass for siblings! I laughed when you mentioned Sharyn's HUG really helped bring you down to earth and that you are just venting. Just recently, my imagination was going all over the place and another poster basically told me to quit Googling all the Bad things that can happen (I'm a half empty glass person - Not the half full.) Wow, that just immediately stopped me from imagining the worst case scenario, and brought me back to earth. I'm glad that Sharyn knew how to help you! Sometimes, we need others to help bring us into perspectives.

Hi Sharyn-- I thought i was the only one here that thinks literally! I tend to miss the subtleties. It just flies right by my head...I came home with a headache and my face hurting. I drank the water, ACV and honey mix. It cleared up the squishy noises when I press my fingers on my face. So, it must be draining my sinus.
Cmag – I’m glad that you started this thread. The first time I came upon, I couldn't believe there was a topic on dysfunction.
kdflower – I’m glad that you’re learning about boundaries. I need to start looking into that too. So, when I read about you, godsgirl, Margeaux and everyone here learning to set boundaries, I feel like one of those students who comes to class without doing her homework! It’s on my to-do list. I'm glad you answered that question -who do you see first – the geriatrics doc or the neurologist. Neurologist.
godsgirl – Congrats! for a successful transfer of your mother from home to the retirement community. I like to read success stories like this.
Margeaux – from what I’m reading, you are definitely growing as a person - your own person. You're slowly but surely learning to be You and not what your mom or sister wants of you. My problem is that I try to keep the peace among family. So I rarely rock the boat, and keep my anger/resentment inside. But, as I read your comments, I can see you are growing stronger as a person. Keep up the good work!
Burned – you remind me of the energizer bunny. You just keep going and going and going -despite obstacles being thrown your way from every directions. Please continue to keep us updated.

Book~Thank you, I will give it a try. Went to work today but my energy level is going down fast, didn't sleep well last night. Thank you again!!

Thanks, Margeaux, I took some "man cave" time last night!

Sharyn, when I had my MRI results just recently, I was diagnosed with right upper frontal sinus infection. Doc did not prescribe antibiotics. I wondered why and so came home and Googled it. Most causes of sinus infection does not go away at all with antiobiotics. So, because I've been waking up, all day and going to sleep with really bad headaches (now knowing there's no tumor in my brain), I Googled home remedies for sinus infections.

This is what I found - Both is important to do:
1. Drink warm 8 oz of water with 2 TBS of apple cider vinegar and 1 TBS of honey.
= Just to let you know, I can't stand drinking water. This concoction tasted Good! I drank it in the evening, I can feel my sinus draining mostly from inside. I did have to blow my nose a few times. I made a new batch the next morning, put it in an empty bottled water container and took it to work to sip throughout the day. Works with the draining. This Drains Your Sinus.

2. Nasal Wash
= I can't find a neti pot here on island. I never did get around to ordering some online. This wash will Clean the Inside of your nasal. #1 drained it, #2 cleans it.
= Important - when using the home remedy wash (to cut back the expense), use Distilled Water! Seems some people did not and ended up with serious infections on the head or brain. I think 2 people died. Distilled Water, very important!!!

Oh, I still have my right side infection. Never finished the draining job with the flushing of it. You just reminded me to order the neti pot.

Hi Everyone, sorry for being missing in action for several weeks. I had a bit of a problem a few weeks ago over comments I made - which by the way I did NOT regret saying. I will never ever regret telling a fellow abused caregiver on different ways to seek help if she ever reaches the stage of wanting to leave the current situation. Needless to say, some words were said to me that really hurt me and brought up so much self-doubts. I remembered thinking that I made sooo many baby steps to reach where I was and those comments made a gigantic leap Backward. It took me 1 hour to comment on one person's Wall Post - because I typed, erased, typed, erased...it was awful....although I had support from the long-timers here, it was the newbies (like myself) to help me finally realize what the oldtimers were trying to tell me. I knew what I needed to do in order to come back to AC and to comment freely with no more self doubts. As a child, I had no say when I was abused. I'm not a child now. I'm an adult and I can confront and defend myself. And I did just that - in a very neutral way (no names mentioned). When I hit that SUBMIT button, I felt all the anger, resentment and stress leave my body. Wow!

Just yesterday, I have Finally went through my Wall Post thanking every person who posted encouragements. Today, after work, I will backtrack to where I last left off here and catch up with everyone's current life. I'm not 100 percent back to normal and I don't think I ever will. But, atleast I'm back to free flowing writing - no more type, erase, type, erase (ugh!! It just drove me crazy doing that!!!)

Margeaux~I am feeling better, thank you. I will look up the nasal washes, I have heard of them but never tried it. I did make some chicken noodle soup, the ginger added does sound yummy!! My bakery/deli manager has chronic sinus infections. She has had surgery twice with no change. She has been taking an antibiotic since July. Using central heat really dries out my sinuses so we keep the thermostat at 62 during the night and I leave the bedroom window cracked open. Maybe a cool mist humidifier would help. I will try the chicken soup/ginger tomorrow when I'm off again, thanks for the info. I hope all is well with you and your mother, Hugs to you!

Sharynmarie,
How are you feeling? I suffer a lot from sinus problems.
I do nasal washes, you can look it up on internet how to do them, and believe me they help. What I do also is I make chicken soup w/fresh ginger, even the dried version works. There's something to this combination that decongests very effectively and it tastes great. I hope you feel better, and yes you probably didn't feel too presentable amidst the cookies and cakes.Oh, and sugar seems to exacerbate the sinus condition, probably also because it wrecks the immune system. O.K., feel better and let your mom lose whatever articles she's losing at the moment. if it really isn't major. Much Love, Margeaux

Cmagnum,
I read the post about you and your wife's update. Well I'm very happy for you things went well with the surgery. Ginger is very good for nausea. You can buy the fresh one, cut the skin off a small piece and wash it. One can chew on it. I've tried it, and it works for the queasy stomach feeling. If she doesn't like it that way, then you can do same,, only make in a tea. O.K., my man, do get some rest, man cave time! The two of you are in my thoughts, Much Love, Margeaux

Sharyn Marie, it has been a very long journey since August when my wife injured this knee plus tore a ligament in that left foot. I went out back to my "man cave" for a while tonight. I'm making progress in reading through the book, Get It Done When You're Depressed" It has some good ideas. I've gotten some things done today that I chose to do instead of waiting to fell like doing and the end result felt good. I do feel good that I make some positive contributions to help people on this site. And I appreciate the support I get when I need it. Love, Prayers, and Hugs to all.

Dear Sharyn Marie…
Thank you for the hug y más—I needed it far more than I realized & am now just bawling/releasing. You have so lovingly told me what I needed to hear [be reminded of…] re: detachment & boundaries. Re: finances, my mother is struggling significantly and will only share her [dire] needs after prolonged probing which complicates matters greatly. My brother [the doctor] literally makes millions & could make my mother perfectly comfortable BUT is TIGHT as the day is long. My [alcoholic] deceased father's estate could also be dispensed in my mother's favor [even though they were divorced] but the aforementioned 'tight' brother/executor refuses to do so—even after YEARS of requesting such. I strongly suspect his wife is also behind this [another discussion!]. What is so very, VERY sad here is that my mother sacrificed immensely when my parents divorced & DESERVES differently. When I asked my brother [super nicely] for a financial report of the estate [AFTER 18 YEARS w/NO REPORT WHICH IS ILLEGAL!!!!] in May, which also bears my name, I understand he was soooooooooo furious that he refused to allow me to see my nephews [that I've NOT SEEN SINCE!!!] or deliver his father's day gift—thus 'this' estrangement.
So, I am going to tap into my retirement & give my mother a chunk as soon as I possibly can…as well as move out, but probably not realistically until summer after a certification course I'm planning on taking next semester. OY!!!! I am going to send my résumé/cv to a local real estate agent in hopes of securing a guest house/garage appointment for respite or a cheap studio so I create some art & process this stuff! [I'm primarily a studio/fine artist and über sensitive to begin with!] but, I'm having a really difficult time spending the $$ that way—I need [expensive] dental work, a new [for me] car & must pay the estate attorney. I will contact a counselor w/o fail this week and/or find a new Al-Anon group. There MUST be light somewhere @ the end of this tunnel!
Thank you ALL for your support—I'm feelin' the love!

Hi everyone!!

I haven't posted in a while, been sick with bronchitis/sinus infection. I did work yesterday but I called off today because I am still coughing a lot and that does not make good customer service in a bakery/deli, Lol!!

Cmag~I am happy to hear your wife is doing well after the surgery and walking, exercising. I hope you get some time for yourself as it has been a long haul for both of you. It sounds like you have awesome neighbors that are looking out for you. Take it easy and things will get better soon!

Enriched~Hugs to you dear friend. You are in a tough situation to say the least. When you were going to Al Anon, did you learn about "detaching with love" and setting boundaries? These two things are vital when dealing with dysfunctional families and addictions. You must accept that you are powerless over your mother's alcoholism and cannot change it...only your mother can choose to make those changes. Probably the only way you can find out if your mother's behavior in the evenings is due to dementia or the alcohol would be thru a medical exam or if she quit drinking and the problem still exists. Based on what you have already written, she would refuse to have a medical exam. So what do you do....you put your life and mental health first. Develop a life of your own that includes setting boundaries and detachment from your mother. Preferably live in a separate home. How old is your mother, is she receiving SS, medicare or are you supporting her? It sounds like your mother has her own income from what you have written. The bottom line is that you cannot save your mother or control her behavior but you can change your life. My heart goes out to you and I hope we hear more from you on this thread!

Save urself and called adult protective services obviously she is not making sound decisions and needs place in a nursing home and u should not feel guilty about doing all of that...some ppl cannot escape their vices but my parents have but if ur getting the villainy crap when ur doing a good deed then ur done..ur energy is sapped and ur life and strength is sapped...do something to save urself and to distance urself to once a wk visit. if you have mpoa or poa get it reinforced with the doctors and then do what is necessary...i feel for u and u are dying to live a life free and in the end all the issues u are facing will come back in other ways..you done what u could...tho it may hurt do it the right thing.

I am currently in my mother's house so I see FAR more than my non-participative siblings [bro an MD!!!! sis a bi-polar sister w/explosive mania—both out of town].
I am greatly concerned about whether my mother's 'after 5' behavior is purely from the alcohol or God-forbid, dementia [this is the very first time for me to 'say' this out loud so-to-speak]. I am noticing increasing memory loss and am stressed beyond words. I have participated in Al-Anon for years & need to re-visit [it killed my father so I have seen how awful this addiction truly is—both parents for my entire life] and must add that am estranged from my siblings who are in denial & like to feel I am here taking advantage of my mother because it is so much more convenient for them in terms of NOT DEALING w/ THE ISSUES!!!! I am the handyman, honey-doer, lunch date, ceiling fan cleaner, chef to the stars, safety officer, crime watch captain etc…
Two nights ago my mother & I argued over an issue re: her forgetfulness and she was inebriated—I must add, it was more like me pleading for a lucid response which I know I cannot get from her in the evening but is the only time we have to talk since I work full time [w/handicapped adults]. I asked why she does not get her hearing checked [the tv is BLASTING] & she blurted/screamed that she is taking care of/worried about her eyes first [macular degeneration & retinol folding] which entails finances. I have asked her repeatedly to please let me know when she needs additional $$ for the Dr. appt's & rx's BUT SHE WILL NOT DISCUSS IT & chooses to drink it away every night making physical matter much worse than they already are. Please note that I do pay rent & for groceries & my finances are limited as well. I have approached my siblings MANY times but my mother makes me out to be 'dramatic' and again, polarizes my siblings, allowing them to remain [inactive] as they are as well as target me. I have tried EVERY approach I can think of & have even asked my mother to participate in mobile crisis counseling w/me which she vehemently refuses. I am interviewing for a second job next week but come home so exhausted from work that I often go to bed before 9 pm, also to avoid witnessing the drinking. I am perfectly miserable in this house & need to move on but am TERRIFIED that when I am not here to turn off burners or GAS that has been on all day or all night after I go to bed she will blow this place up and/or the neighbors—not to mention her falling inebriated in the nightly tub w/her glass container cocktail! To top things off, she told me the night we were having our 'heated' discussion—out of the blue—that if I lost 20 to 30 lbs. I would extend my life span—this was NOT a supportive remark, but rather hateful & biting. I have been very honest w/her about my deep upset & frustration about my [early] post-menopausal weight gain and just recently had my thyroid tested—next is hormones [hmm stress-related???]. It was so hateful & I am so very deeply hurt by this that we are not speaking [again]. She drove to her twin's home 50 miles away [just moved that FAR AWAY!!!] where she will spend the weekend & drink heavily w/her! My aunt also finds it most convenient to villainize me, as does her husband—sick, sick, sick dynamics & DENIAL. I must add that the binding force might well be that I am the ONLY family member that participates in Al-Anon which rattles them ALL to no end! Perfect alcoholic dysfunction!
So, do I hoard my $$ so that I can move out [while feeling horrifically guilty for not turning over all but what I use for my personal bills]? Do I rent a small apt. nearby for respite—again feeling guilty about not handing this $$ to her? I am @ my wit's end & the new 'hateful' behavior is more than I can put up with on top of everything else!
I am a very intelligent, well-educated individual but I also know that I suffer w/what I call Wonder Woman Syndrome. How do I prepare myself for 'that call' if/when I move out?
I have responded to so very many topics and am so very resourceful. I guess the proximity, history & emotions involved render me ineffective when it comes to my own mother. I am so isolated, have zero social life nor the energy for one & feel like I am 'whining' and/or not 'something' enough [self esteem has taken a huge hit!]. I will be signing up for counseling this week w/o fail!
The amazing people involved in this forum have offered such loving, supportive input, so in anticipation—THANK YOU.
If my mother [siblings/family] would just say thank you, I'm sorry, nice job ONCE IN A WHILE…or once.

I'd never heard of renting a ramp either until someone suggested that I google about ramps and I found a mobility business here in town that rents as well as sells ramps, etc. The ramp comes in two parts which fold in half and are light enough to carry in each hand. After you fold the two sides out, you connect them in the middle. This makes a ramp that can carry up to 600 lbs. They only rent this one. It is 10 feet long and is for steps less than 20 inches off of the ground which the back steps to our deck are. The frozen meals that I have in the freezer are healthy choice and weight watchers which the ones I pick are good. Yes, we were blessed that nothing more was found wrong with my wife's knee, she didn't have the nausea problem to the extent she had last time she had some surgery, and these neighbors were nice to bring us over such nice food. We had been invited to this party which included several other of our neighbors, but like I told Norman, I did not think my wife would be up to attending today. We have lived in this neighborhood since 2005 and this is the first time we have been invited to anything like that. I put the seafood up that I saved for her. I don't know how long oyster stew, steamed crab legs, and steamed shrimp last. Plus, I still need to crack those crab legs to get the meat out. That is work. Thanks for the support!

Cmag I hope things will get better as time goes on and your wife recovers from the surgery-you have a lot on your plate right now.

Cmagnum,I have never heard of renting a ramp but hey, if it works it works. I just try to find the small positive things to help lift me up n it works sometimes. For instances, Your wife knee is squeaky clean n it's less painful for her. Thanks to having good neighbors, you have a whole awesome already cooked meal n it sounds very tasty too. Sorry your wife is not up to that but give her some time n she be back eating again. Some of those frozen items like mac/ cheese by Stouffers is really good. I will microwave a hotdog weenie n slice it up n mixed those two together n it makes a whole meal for me. It is okay to feel a little down n let things go a bit for you have a lot on your plate. You are only human so breath n see if u can find some small things r positive around you n see if it helps.

Here is an update on me and my wife. The adding the post operation pain pill to the mixture of meds (some of which are for pain already) has meant some extra sleep and some dizziness. The arthroscopic surgery did not find anything extra that was damaged about her knee. So they just cleaned things up in there which has meant the knee does feel better apart from the fact it was just operated early Thursday morning. The ramp that we rented worked great for wheeling her in and out of the house that day. Unlike other surgeries she has had, this time the nausea was bad like it has been before. She's been getting up and about like they want her to with a walker, but today has tried some to walk without it. A neighbor brought us some oyster stew, steamed shrimp, crab legs, and corn on the cobb from a big cookout party that he had going today. That was very nice, but my wife is not ready for solid food yet and even the oyster stew was pushing the limits a bit. I was very glad to get out of the house this afternoon to go buy groceries. I'm doing fine, but I've gone three days now and forgotten my mid day meds. I find myself wanting to eat quick snack food instead of fixing one of those frozen meals that I bought for this experience. I've been trying to not let my depression rule me and get things done despite feeling depressed, but it is tough. I've not read anymore in this book about ways to keep your depression from keeping you from getting things done.

I researched it too and what I found is that there is a slight risk of an explosion...right conditions. Better to err on the side of safety.

Ha! I seemed to have forwarded a Debunked information according to Snopes. So, don't thank me for sending it..However, I Will side on the Precaution! You just never know that you might be the One Exception to the Rule!!! =)

Thanks for info Book!!

lildeb.... thanks for your post. Yes, I have thought MANY times about why I am doing this... taking care of 'gran' / maggie. lol. There are a few reasons... one is that I know for a fact there is no one else to do it and her son that died a year ago had drained all of her assets, so she has no money to go to a home (as far as I can tell, unless there are gov. agencies, and they would treat her bad! ) I know she lived a tough life being married to an alcoholic/abuser and I want her to have some peaceful, happy last years with the love she never got. Next is my faith has given me a peace about doing it, and really I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be even though it is dang hard at times!! You are right about the boundaries, and I have been reading books and things online about learning how to do that and stick to it. I have been doing that and it does make a big difference in my stress level. And I used to make sure she didn't feel like anyone was 'against' her, so when she said things that were hateful or untrue (usually about my kids or her son, or me) I would just smile and let her talk. Now, I kindly state my opinion, or the truth and allow her to have her opinion. That has helped a lot. I also have a schedule put in place recently which is very helpful!!! Before, I would let her talk (sometimes it takes an hour or two to have what should be a 15 minute conversation because she can't get her thoughts out very well.) until she wanted to stop and it could be literally hours. Now I 'guide' the conversations and am much more productive physically and mentally. Thanks so much for being out there in cyber world to listen and to encourage and give advice. Did I tell ya'll that I have gotten a referral from her dr. to get to a neurologist? That should be happening in a couple of weeks. :)

I know that it's been a while since I dropped by. Been having a bit of a problem this past week. A client of ours emailed this to us. I thought you all might find it useful with regards to fuelling your car at the gas station.....

KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN THOSE 'REALLY IMPORTANT' PHONE CALLS COME IN!!

Warning From Shell Oil Company
Please send this information to ALL your family & friends, especially those who have kids in the car with them while pumping gas. If this were to happen, they may not be able to get the children out in time.

MUST READ, EVEN IF YOU DON'T OWN A CAR.

Safety Alert!
Here are some reasons why we don't allow cell phones in operating areas, propylene oxide handling and storage area, propane, gas and diesel refueling areas.

The Shell Oil Company recently issued a warning after three incidents in which mobile phones (cell phones) ignited fumes during fueling operations

In the first case, the phone was placed on the car's trunk lid during fueling; it rang and the ensuing fire destroyed the car and the gasoline pump.

In the second, an individual suffered severe burns to their face when fumes ignited as they answered a call while refueling their car!

And in the third, an individual suffered burns to the thigh and groin as fumes ignited when the phone, which was in their pocket, rang while they were fueling their car.

You should know that: Mobile Phones can ignite fuel or fumes

Mobile phones that light up when switched on or when they ring release enough energy to provide a spark for ignition

Mobile phones should not be used in filling stations, or when fueling lawn mowers, boat, etc.

Mobile phones should not be used, or should be turned off, around other materials that generate flammable or explosive fumes or dust, (I.e., solvents, chemicals, gases, grain dust, etc...)

TO sum it up, here are the Four Rules for Safe Refueling:

1) Turn off engine
2) Don't smoke
3) Don't use your cell phone - leave it inside the vehicle or turn it off
4) Don't re-enter your vehicle during fueling.

Bob Renkes of Petroleum Equipment Institute is working on a campaign to try and make people aware of fires as a resul t of 'static electricity' at gas pumps. His company has researched 150 cases of these fires.

His results were very surprising:

1) Out of 150 cases, almost all of them were women.

2) Almost all cases involved the person getting back in their vehicle while the nozzle was still pumping gas. When finished, they went back to pull the nozzle out and the fire started, as a result of static.

3) Most had on rubber-soled shoes.

4) Most men never get back in their vehicle until completely finished. This is why they are seldom involved in these types of fires.

5) Don't ever use cell phones when pumping gas

6) It is the vapors that come out of the gas that cause the fire, when connected with static charges.

7) There were 29 fires where the vehicle was re-entered and the nozzle was touched during refueling from a variety of makes and models. Some resulted in extensive damage to the vehicle, to the station, and to the customer.

8) Seventeen fires occurred before, during or immediately after the gas cap was removed and before fueling began.

Mr. Renkes stresses to NEVER get back into your vehicle while filling it with gas.
If you absolutely HAVE to get in your vehicle while the gas is pumping, make sure you get out, close the door TOUCHING THE METAL, before you ever pull the nozzle out. This way the static from your body will be discharged before you ever remove the nozzle.
As I mentioned earlier, The Petroleum Equipment Institute, along with several other companies now, are really trying to make the public aware of this danger.

I ask you to please send this information to ALL your family and friends, especially those who have kids in the car with them while pumping gas. If this were to happen to them, they may not be able to get the children out in time. Thanks for passing this along.