Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
you too - cmag it should not be a marathon. I love your idea -sounds wonderful. I remember one Christmas after I separated from ex and things were going to be different, thinking that the real gift is Jesus, and the others don't matter that much.
austin - from Canada you are very welcome - glad we could help. Hope you have stress free hols too
luv mom - welcome - It may be very expensive to keep your mum in her home as her disease progresses, and I can see that the person with financial POA has to be involved with the decision, to make the best use of the resources. You may want to look into what will be needed. At some point your mum would need some one there 24/7. Does she have the resources for everything? There are people who have done it, so it is possible, but usually the person is cared for in their own home by a spouse or other family member, as far as I can see. It certainly would be good to keep mum in her home as long as you can.
closetotheedge - how are you doing?
Mom has repeatedly expressed her desire to stay in her home. She may have her POAHC implemented, yet is not so confused as to be able to obviously express her desires. Which, hopefully, WILL be considered for her living arrangements. I certainly would hope my wishes were considered when/if this time comes and not be thrown into an institution despite my wishes.
There is no place like HOME!
How about you and your immediate family have that very personal dinner the night before xmas? Or order take outs and bring it into your hotel room and exchange Personal gifts and talk, catch up with each other? Then you and the family will celebrate again as the clan celebration ON xmas day?
Depending onthe sibling who has financial control- does she have the control NOW or when mom is diagnosed as "Unfit"? If sibling has control now, he/she - if spiteful - can refuse to dish out the cash for your mom's maintenance/cost of living. They can say - "since you refuse to put mom in Asst.Living/NH, then YOU are responsible for all of mom's cost." I will only touch the money for mom if you do it MY Way. (I read this from one or two posters here!!)
Your mom, at the moment, has ultimate say on her life.
I wish to be primary caretaker for my Mother who has first to second stages of Alz. Battling with siblings who wish to have her sell home and be placed in either assisted living, or nursing home.
She has repeatedly stated she wishes to stay in her home. I am POAHC while other sibling is in charge of finances.
WHO ultimately has the final word?
cmag -why don't you think about what you would want for a holiday? That does not sound like much fun for your son - or the rest of you
book - thanks for the post - I saved one off facebook about the 12 things happy people do differently and may try to post here later. I have a black/grey animal print wrap my daughter gave me. I like it and one beige/brown tank top, as well as a jump suit. You can find quite a number of variations of animal prints these days - zebra for example. I like the newer ones - more subtle.
closeto the edge - hope you get some help and do some good things for you, We have to look after ourselves any way we can.
austin -not an easy time for you I am sure. Just because a parent passes, it doesn't mean all the feelings go away. How are you doing?
sharyn - hope you find the right print. We all need a pick-me-up
margeaux -how's it going?
everyone -thinking of you
Toonie and I are semi hibernating - too cold out there at 23 degrees.
G and I are travelling east early in December. He has a business meeting and I have friend nearby who I haven't seen in years. We will stay a few days with them, and also make a trip to Niagara Falls, hopefully. I understand it is quite a bit warmer there, even though it is winter. I am looking forward to the break.
Love and hugs to everyone Joan
STRESS....everybody has it.
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...
She fooled them all ..... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*
Thanks, Cmag for the info. I was feeling bad that maybe I put my foot in my mouth. Did you see the post I put in earlier from work about STRESS? I didn't have time to put it in all the threads that I visit daily. I only put it in YOU and Gross. I wonder if it will work if I copy and paste it from one thread to this? Let me give it a try. I think it's a good one!
You all have heard the saying, It takes a village to raise a child...well, it also takes a village to care for the elderly.
Close to the edge~Welcome to the thread!! We hope to hear more from you. You will get lots of support to help you.
Hi, CloseToTheEdge – I have 7 siblings. For 23 yrs father and I took care of my mom who has Alzheimer. 23 years of not much help. I have friends – 3 – whom the family pitched in to help their Alzheimer parent or stroke-ridden parent. So, I always thought that it was just OUR family that was messed up. Attended my 1st and only therapy and still didn’t believe the therapist when he quoted a very high number on which families do NOT help with the parent. Then I found this site, and over and over, you read of different posters struggling like me and you – in which our siblings do Not Help. Last year father had a stroke so I’m now caring for 2 bedridden parents. Long story short – I have taken YEARS to get where I am in which some of my siblings are now helping just last year and one more this year – 4 out of 7 is now helping.
Can you tell us more background information? Maybe someone here who is going what you are going through will be able to give you some advice….
I know the holidays are occupying many people's minds - lildeb - u forgot - I could do that!
I will be back tomorrow - a few more aches and pains getting in the way - arthritis in my typing hand now that the fibro has settled down - always something.
cmag -maybe time for your own holidays!
margeaux - hope your sis is not too overbearing
book - the black leopard print jeans sound great -I was visualizing something more startling...
looks like I will be travelling to Ontario in a few weeks.with G who has business there I have a friend there I haven't seen in years and we are hoping to get together -would be nice.
more later - Joan
Yes, retail therapy helped so much!!! I picked up a few things I have been neglecting to get for myself.
Austin~You are such a kind person helping to support current caregivers. Don't feel guilty for going home to a quiet house, you deserve that and have earned it. The point is you are still giving of yourself and I and everyone else appreciates it!!
Hugs to you, Cmag and everyone else!!!
sharynmarie, I hope you found your 'retail therapy' to be therapeutic.
Lets all focus on happy thoughts and do something nice for immediate loved ones and ourselves. I am going to go buy some needed clothing...shopping therapy!! :=))
Yes, we go there for Christmas too. I did change this several years ago so that we would have our own Christmas day at our house, but that only lasted so long. Now my wife's reasoning is that she does not think her mother, in her eighties, will live much longer. Frankly, the best thing for both my wife and my SIL will be having a life more of their own once the drama queen is gone.
The best change that has not changed that I was able to get done was not letting my MIL go on vacations with us which changed back in 2003 after doing so since the birth of our first child back in 1991. My wife was so overly attached to her mother and so worried about her inheritance that she would not hear to her mother not going with us on our vacations although her worshipfullness, mommy dearest, borderline drama queen always created a scene. I was too tolerant of all that mess which I did not like. I'm glad she got her mother issues dealt with in therapy and I am glad to have gotten mine dealt with in therapy also.
Frankly, I've not really ever had much of my own Christmas for even as a child and a teenager, part of the divorce settlement was that one parent got me for Christmas week one year and the next year the other parent got me.
Well, there is my venting for the day!
Hi Sharyn, Margeaux, Austin and Lildeb!
My mother had been wisely paying for one for years, but did not tell anyone about it and when I discovered it did not want to use it plus she had not benefited at all from the riders that she put on it for home health care and home builder care. I was so glad to learn that she had placed the premium payments on auto pay from the bank. While it does not pay her whole bill, it is good to have. However, that is another thing that my step-dad does not understand. Somehow, he thinks that this long term insurance plan is keeping my mother a prisoner in the nursing home. Thus, he is not helping support her financially in the nursing home at all, but he could. But no, the extra financial support has to come from her private accounts. His son tells me that I can't access the money in their joint account for her support because she has not put money in that account for years. I told him that while I could see his reasoning, that I did not agree with him for that is not how banks view joint accounts and as my mother's POA, if she needs funds from that account, I can draw them for her care which made him mad.
At face value, my Thanksgiving plans sound good. However, my MIL has never been that enjoyable to be around. She is 'mommy dearest' reincarnate. She has a very negative view of men because of some things that her brothers did to her while growing up as kids. It is a real strain on my wife for she lived under the brunt of her mom's rule more than her sister did. Her sister got raised more by her nurturing, passive, dependent dad who was the most enslaved man that I've ever seen. How his wife treated him was beyond henpecking!!! She misses him because he is no longer around to do for her. Needless to say, but neither I nor my sons really like going up there all that much, but my wife feels obligated to go. Our youngest son found a winter internship over winter break, partially so that he could miss the drama of such a dysfunctional family system that we always have to visit for Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. Just like I have not felt up to putting a lot of decorations out for the fall and pre-thanksgiving, I am not up to decorating much for Christmas either beyond just a few things and and much smaller tree this year.
Love, hugs and prayers to all!
I also found out today my mom cancelled her Long Term Health Care policy!!!! I don't know if it can be reinstated, my sister hopes to find out tomorrow. Mom won't be able to get a "new" policy because she has a pre-existing condition. Mom told Helen (the woman who balances her check book) that she cancelled it so me and my sis can't put her in a nursing home. I am angry because her attorney's attitude about mom's situation was just...Oh well, it's her life. Guess what, if any of us could say, "It's my life" and not recognize that we still affect the rest of our family members is sadly mistaken. It's not because of an inheritance or lack there of that angers me. Its the unnecessary stress mom creates because she can't leave anything alone. She has always been this way.Anyway...enough venting, I have too much to be happy about and more things to take care of here at home.
My kitty has been under the weather the last few days, not eating, not playing. He seems better tonight...he ate this morning and little more tonight and was playing earlier. Hopefully I can avoid a vet bill and see how the the Tiger cat is tomorrow.
Joan~I am happy to hear Clay is home recovering. He probably is more comfortable at home with family!! Sending my healing thoughts to you, Gary and family. Fibromyalgia is very painful from what I know about it. Take care!!
Margeaux~Good to hear from you!!! Hope your sister doesn't go overboard for Thanksgiving. There is nothing worse than a person who orchestrates the whole day, Lol!!
Cmag~I hope all works out with your wife and the upcoming appts. How hard it must be using crutches for such a long time. It does sound like you step father is just oblivious to your mothers decline. I understand how sad it makes you feel when you visit her.It sounds like your Thanksgiving plans are made so enjoy the time with your family!
Lildeb~Crazy, Crazy, Crazy you are, Lol!! I hope you hear soon on the results of the biopsy. It sounds more to me like you have together girl!!