Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I find that comment about your mom being able to live her life her way, interesting and even self serving on the attorney's behalf. Sure, this is after all your MOM'S attorney. But I completely disagree on the level that, well now I'm probably going to sound philosophical. As we all come to learn, especially when it's about caring for elders.....THEY NEED OTHERS HELP! The sooner the one needing the help can sign onto this thought, the better hopefully their life w/be also. There's got to be more of a cooperative mentality when it comes to this, as I've discovered even in my situation w/my sister. Yes, mom even though I've described her as not being outwardly combative, nor difficult right now, before the ALZ, she had already put many things in order as far as her property, the selection of POA's and all of that. We too had to suffer as a result of this, and her sister's awful behavior while she was alive.
So I have felt this playing out, especially now that she can no longer be in charge of herself. This factor definitely hasn't made it smooth sailing many times. So I understand the frustration you must have felt that day talking to her attorney.
This is the frustration I experience w/my sister...I'm trying to help at whatever level, but for the controls she in her mind must have, oh well possibly I could be of more willing help over there. But I know my sister has inherited the divide and conquer attitude also.
Well you will see, I feel it won't be long before you'll be writing in a different vein, because whether the elders realize it or not, things do change. I hope the selection process about the insurance goes well.
Is this the Calaveras out by Yosemite? If it is, this is beautiful country, I've been there many years ago. Much Love, Margeaux
In many families this responsibility does fall upon the women.
I don't want to generalize either because if you read other threads on this site,
there are men who come here and tell of their involvement as caregivers are concerned. In our family we are two daughters and two sons. The hands on caregiving has definitely fallen way more on the women than our brothers.
My sister lives w/our mom who has ALZ. I go there to relieve her. As Emjo has suggested to you, is there any help available to you other than your brothers so that you can have a break? Many factors can make this difficult, and if you're saying your family was never that close, well it's hard to imagine that the guys are going to step up to the plate at this point, but usually this unfortunately is the way it plays out. In our family, our brothers were somewhat looked up to, just because of their gender, so my sister and I learned early on, our pecking order in the family. We too are older than my brothers so we had to take care of them.
Anyway, we are with you on this, as been there done that, and please come back here to share your story, because it does help. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
My sister is too much at times. On the one hand she's very good at administration of the caregiving, since she's been in charge of mom for last almost 4 yrs. But she enjoys too much drama, and is a complete control freak, so this makes it hard when I go there to relieve her. She doesn't really know the meaning of working together as that would take away the controlling factor she so enjoys. Just curious, what's your "dilly," sister like?
Good, I'm glad you w/make the chutney. I've had this recipe in my collection,
but still have not made it. Well Thanksgiving is around the corner, so maybe it's time for chutney! Enjoy, Bon Appetite! Margeaux
I'm very sorry to hear about Gary's son.
He will definitely be in my thoughts! Much Love & Light to you & yours! Margeaux
MARGEAUX: I know about sister's making you have bad judgements. Mine is a really dilly. And about the chutney recipe you gave Emjo. I really think it sounds delicious. Have never had chutney. gonna try it and let you know. I am trying to fall asleep. Gettin harder and harder. I bet you guys may be snoozing now. hope so. God bless you all and everyone. Good night.
What I had written some posts ago about the sleeping arrangement, is totally off the charts! Well my sister did end up letting that caregiver go, (the one who wouldn't sleep w/mother). My sister was also saying that since mom is sleeping a lot during the day, which she does on the couch in from of the tv, this caregiver was also not wanting to cooperate to do like light housekeeping and was basically just sitting there next to mother watching tv.
Well, this niece is a case! She's there as I said watching her sister's 8 mo. old baby at mom's house. So this weekend my sister mentioned about her what a wonderful job she's doing caring for her nephew. This girl apparently has taken some time off from going to college to do this. My sister also said, that my niece had said, "He's my baby." When my sister said this, I said, "Oh, Oh," as in she's also going overboard, and I wouldn't want my other niece (her sister) to get wind of this, because you know how this could cause jealousies. I think this kind of attachment by the niece to her nephew is rather unhealthy. But you see, she has my sister to thank for this attitude, they're possessive types.
O.K., Emjo please let me know if and when you make the chutney.
I hope things are calm for you. Thinking of you, Much Love! Margeaux
Oh you must have read my mind, I was thinking of the chutney just today.
Here it is: 4 apples of choice, peeled, cored & chopped in qtrs.; 1 1/2 cup cider vinegar; 1 1/2 cup light brown sugar; 1 large onion chopped; 2 tsp. fine chopped ginger; 1/2 tsp. red chili pepper flakes; 2 cloves; 2 bay leaves; 2 tb. spns. lemon juice; 1 cup raisins. Simmer on low, all together for about an hour. Wow, this sounds delicious, I think I'll have to get some apples this week. Bon appetite! Margeaux
First of all, on the face of my sister's tactic to try and get mom to eat food, instead of ice cream, well, I thought this was pretty dumb on her part. My sister seemed offended by mom's reply, and expressed this and the lack of appreciation she feels at times coming from mom. But somehow, I thought the way my sister did this, was rather on the condescending side. To be quite honest, my mom in her ALZ, is not really combative, nor does she resort to these kinds of tactics as a norm. I think as I've written in the past, that my sister is still looking for that mother, we didn't really have the emotional. But she may as well give up this idea, at this point.
So I offered to go there Sat.
Well, mom was having an awake night compared to the last time I was there in which she slept the whole time. We watched tv. Then about 8:30 p.m, the neighbors were having a very loud party. They must have had a dj, because we heard boom, boom and felt the vibrations from their music for about the next 4-5 hrs. It was so awful. So since we weren't going to get any sleep, I allowed mom to stay up until 11:45. Finally I told her that we should go to bed. So I escorted her to the bed room. I then returned to the kitchen and called 411 for a phone number for the police. I had enough of the boom noise, and I guess no other neighbor had called to complain. Anyway the 411 was of no help, gave me a number which has been disconnected. I then began to search the house for some local phone books to see if I could find a number. But I couldn't find these, either. Anyway, I then headed for mom's bedroom, and tried to fall asleep.
Then, mom woke up several times throughout the night, to use the bathroom.
So hardly any sleep, but finally that noise stopped at neighbor's.
Anyway, next day my sister returned in the a.m. So I told her of my previous night. When I asked her if she had any emergency phone numbers, e.g. police,
fire dept., etc., her reply was, "Oh, I just have instructed the caregivers to call 911 in case of any emergency." But as far as I know I thought you're only supposed to call that number if it's for parameds, or fire dept. in an emergency, not for a disturbance of the peace. Anyway, then I asked her where she kept phone books. She tells me, "Oh, there in the garage." Well my sister has this garage so packed full w/her and her daughter's stuff, I wouldn't be able to find these if I tried. But my point here is, I became rather annoyed, that I go to relieve her for time off, and instead of being helpful, when I express I needed something while I was there, she's really no help. She really blew me off in my opinion, and actually I detected some kind of amusement on her part about what I'd experienced the night before. This didn't feel good at all, if anyone asks me!!
Then I told her about mom getting up 3x's during the night to pee. Apparently she had the urge, but when she'd go, it wasn't very productive. So now my sister informs me that mom had been having a UTI for which she'd been on antibiotics.
This too, would be nice to know when I arrive there. Anyway, I'm feeling that my sister is doing her passive aggressive behavior as usual.
I always tell myself, ok, go over there w/o judgments, etc. But gee, by the time I left, I had judgments, and they weren't too good. Margeaux
riz you are right - the brighter the more difficult they are nice to see you joining us
marg -it snowed a heap yesterday and is here to stay now I think. Still waiting for your chutney recipe. Educated people can be kind and compassionate, I know some, but education does not make you that way, for sure. Sharing a bed - NO WAY! Weird idea! And you niece is quite a case, isn't she? Hope your sinuses are better.
sharyn - wow nice food from your coworkers! I understand the grievng seeing your mum decline. Good decision about your brother. Not much you can do about the legal things is there? Frustrating! Your daughter has a great sense of humor! Hope the insurance gets straightened out.
claudia - self preservation has to come into play. Good for you -you can't change them, only you. It is a work in progress,
cmag -hope your wife is healing from her knee problems, and you are doing reasonably well.
book -glad you have some more support now. You are such a trooper.
austin - how is it going? Did your sibs step up to hlep your mum?
alex (((((((hugs))))) repeat -it is not your fault - to heck with your aunt and uncle. I found I have to develop a thick skin to what some others think about my personal life, and relationships. You, your husband and family need to come before your mum. Hope you can take some steps to improve your situation, take care of you.
sallie Welcome. What a load and what a mess. You have to look after you. I have given up with my sis who won't lift a finger to help, but for years has had a free holiday staying with mother. I don't expect anything but trouble from her. Can your mum go into respite while you get the treatments you need? I see other people here who make thse arrangements. Let us know what you figure out, and come back and vent.
mertle -welcome to you too . Yes, many seem to have sibs who are happy to take, but will give very little, and are not supportive at all. You are in good company. Do look after your own health. Caregivers tend to put themselves kast , and then suffer consequences. Hope to see you post again.
sallie and mertle -sharyn has made some good suggestions.
Have a good day everyone. Still snowing lightly here and more forecast for the rest of the week. ;( I saw a deer across from the house this morning, took pics and put them up on facebook - emjo2002. The pics are public if anyone wants to see them. Love, hugs and prayers Joan
I hope you are well, we are finally getting some rain here. We went to Calaveras Big Trees yesterday. It was beautiful with the dogwoods changing colors, we had a nice walk and I am sore today, LOL! I gotta go over to mom's to look for some papers she hid away. Waiting for insurance packet to arrive by mail to set up her insurance for next year...N...the lady who worked with my mom is going to come over when the packet comes in to help my mom decide what insurance she will choose...mom doesn't trust me or sis to help her with this (the insurance is for retired employees). Have a great week and I'll be thing about all you!!
Mertle, I found that the people here Knows what we are going through. They know that we are NOT exaggerating. And the advice they give are great. Not all the time but at least they try! I wanted to post more but it's midnight here and my brain's sluggish and difficult to think. I'm glad you posted. Take care!!
then P.T.for a week. She came home a few days ago. The only sis who helps when she wants visited once. I was there every day. She
now on her 4th vacation this year. Sis works, but doesn't have to. She told me the only
How are you doing? Wow, I haven't been on here all week long.
Well what you've described in terms of the meeting w/the attorney, makes things tough doesn't it. Honestly, for the life of me, I'll never understand how it is these kinds of legal set ups in terms of the law have been created. It's just so convoluted also, in terms of how and when seniors finally give their power over to capable daughters like yourselves. It's almost like some kind of cruel joke, just making people wait it out, kind of like waiting for the shoe to fall before something that makes sense-protecting a loved one. This aspect about the law, and attorneys really gets on my nerves.
I really feel bad that you had to go through this, and it worked on your emotions.
Well, sometimes whether we like it or not, this is how this kind of stuff manifests.
Believe me, I used to really feel for my sister last year while having to deal w/our aunt's craziness in terms of the legal plan she elected out to the end of her life.
Our narcissistic aunt was playing volley ball w/this POA, switch up, on her whim whenever it seemed to suit her.
Your mom doesn't realize it how good she has it, w/you, and at whatever level you sister is also involved. O.K., you're in my thoughts big time, and keep the faith, as they say, "This too shall pass." Much Love & Light! Margeaux
How are you doing? Oh, I know this AC problem, as we were having this same issue w/mom. Yes, it was very hot many places these past few mos. The main caregiver at mom's was turning it up to 76, and mom was on the couch one day had cold body language, w/a flannel blanket on her. I turned it down, and advised the caregiver to keep it lower. I did this, as mom doesn't express what she's feeling.
In your case though, since you said you gave your mom the option to tell you about it, then she gets sick, well how unfair she's trying to dump it on you!
But it sounds from what you've written, further that this has been an ongoing unproductive way she chooses to communicate with you. I'm really sorry about that. Well it's good you're not going to put up with this treatment either.
Much Love, and hugs! Margeaux
Austin~You are right in not letting your mother tear you down. If you have to take care of her, keep up your boundaries and limits. My heart goes out to you, its a tough situation and harder still when you get no help or support from your siblings. Vent all you want, that is what we are here for and God knows I do my share of it too. Hugs to you!!!
Just got back from meeting with mom's attorney. It went as I expected. He can't help us...has to go by the legal documents my mom authorized some years back. He did say that she has declined considerably but by reading btwn the lines, he does not think she is legally incompetent which I already knew that. My hope was that he would try to talk to her about letting someone (if not sis or me) take over her finances. He did talk to mom about being more cooperating with us and told her if she fights us too hard, she will lose our support but at the same time he told us to not push her so hard to give up her control of things, he said the harder we push the more she will fight. He can't advise us when or if to call APS without violating his client (our mother). My sister got snippy with him which I don't fault her for that. Of course me being the emotional one...I lost control and cried the whole time...I hate when I do that!! He got a little forceful with sis and said you know, you can walk away anytime you want. I told him I don't want to take away her free will, but I am concerned for her safety and being taken advantage of by someone else. He said he can't advise us when to call APS and to call them regarding what they will do when the make a visit. He also explained this to my mom. He sympathizes with us because as he stated this is the hardest phase of Alz/dementia to go through and he said he would keep us in his prayers. I must admit that I am finding myself talking to God again after a falling out about 10-12 years ago. I also think I may need to get on an antidepressant, I don't like being weepy all the time. I have to get blood work done soon and I will talk with my doc when I go in for results.
On to funnier issues of sorts...while in Idaho, my daughter had her annual. Her doc ordered an ultrasound for a lump she felt during the example. My daughter went in the next day for the ultrasound and a mammy which showed nothing but the radiologist told her that doesn't mean there is no cancer and to follow up with her doc. My daughter is feisty, she said I know my body and I know I have lumpy boobs so why should I have to pay for procedures that are only going to result in nothing!! I told her just follow through on it Linz, it is better to be overly careful and give your hubby peace of mind. She sent me a text saying her doc wanted her to come so she could feel her up once more, LOL!!! Her doc said that both breast are the same and it is lumpy boobs, LOL!! I miss my daughters humor!!!
Alexandra – I don’t even know what to say to help you feel better. Who is angry that you lost your job? When you say family, who is family? As for you aunt and uncle…I have had my father’s sister (aunt) lecture me several times to do more to help my dad caregive bedridden mother. I mean, out of 8 kids, I’m the only one who stayed home my whole 46 year life to care for them! And she lectures ME to do more? How much more does she want? My siblings are married, had kids, and grandkids – and Travel!!! I don’t mind the not marrying, children and grandkids (already decided at age 19 to not want kids.) But I will tell you that for years (as in about 21 years) I’ve helped the parents without my siblings help (physically/monetary). Fortunately, I’ve always been blunt. When the siblings piss me off, I have no problem telling them off. But to lose a job in this economy!
Any possibility of finding a part-time job? Because it's very important that you have a balanced life - to maintain your sanity.
I am highly depressed
How wonderful that your mom has this support system, of people from her church.
You know, mom's official diagnosis w/ALZ, was in 2007. But definitely she was becoming forgetful even when dad was alive, because he used to mention it, he passed in 2001. Anyway, I too last year went through the grieving. I remember it hit me one day, that mom wasn't who she was before. This is hard, because I remember feeling, well she's still here w/us for which I'm grateful, but when we see the changes in their personalities, this is hard! My heart goes out to you!! I've been doing some meditations, and this helps me. I do the burning of the sage, and it clears some of these feelings that are hard to deal with. One scent that has been a pick me up for me is citronella, or anything from the lemon family, even a lemon.
Anyway, treat yourself well, even if it's some chocolate, (which really is good for us). Glad to hear your sis and husband are good support systems for you, we sure need them.
I had to resort to some Aleve today, as I woke up w/terrible sinus pressure on account of these fluctuating temps here also. I'm down south from you-same state, how do you like that? Anyway, I'm going to go easy on what I eat today, because it aside from environmental, temp changes affects the sinuses. It may be time for me to do a light detox of sorts.
Yes, I'm always working on the boundaries w/my sister; this is a lesson for me, and I'm good w/that. The salad is getting more exciting.
O.K., have a great rest of the day, a great big hug! Much Love, & Light to you!
I'm grateful that I can let my hair down w/the wonderful people on this thread. Thank You, Gracias, Thank You! Margeaux