Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Emjo- I just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you today. I know that it is your gordie's birthday today and that it is also the 10th one he has spent with our Lord. You are a very sweet, caring and special lady, Emjo!!! And i just wanted to let you know that my heart is heavy for you today as i know this is very difficult for you. I know that we do not talk often, but you are still special to me just the same. So here's hoping that you have nothing but good remembrances of your Gordie today and that somehow they will bring you some peace. I hope this message finds you well. I am sure that he was a special young man because he sure has a special mom. Love you bunches sweet lady!!! Many ((((((hugs))))) to you. Love, Stormy.
This behavior that your daughter exhibits is terrible.
It's the very same business my niece has done to me on more than one ocassion,
not saying hello nor goodbye when I go to mother's place. Needless to say when they do this to us we are left wondering, what the heck did I do? In my case at least I've analyzed it as my niece is one angry self centered person.
Someone who really cares about you say like a friend, if you'd be sharing truly how you feel, like, "not great," would probably inquire further and sympathize with you since your mom is high maintenance. Please try not to allow anyone, even if she's your daughter to take you down the path of self doubt or wondering whether you're negative. I guess by saying this, it's their way of dispelling your feelings about what you are experiencing. Shame on her!
I realize that your intentions are to help out and see you grandchildren.
But you should try to really take care of yourself right now, you have a lot to deal with already. Maybe placing some distance here would benefit you.
Take care of you. Big Hugs! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Joan~It makes perfect sense to me to cook a turkey dinner that your son would love!! I do little things for my father who has been gone 9 years now. I know this may sound untraditional, but I visit him on St. Patricks day instead of the anniversary of his death because he came here from N. Ireland. I buy the plants in the grocery stores that they sell as shamrocks, but really aren't shamrocks and I take them too him. I will make an Irish meal from time to time one I know that he had as a child growing up. As you probably know, people in the British Isles have such lovely rose gardens. My father loved his roses. I plant a rose in his honor, take a potted mini rose to him.
I think the trauma of losing her license has progressed the Alzheimer's with my mother. She needs daily attention now and because of her personality, wanting everything now...it is making it stressful. A lady my mother worked with called her this morning to remind her that several of the ladies that worked together are meeting for lunch tomorrow. My mother told her about falling but in my mother's mind, she fell yesterday. This woman rushes over to my mother's house and takes her to the dr. That was fine, no big deal for me. When I called my mother this morning to check on her, she wasn't home. I am thinking, oh no not again!! I knew she had an appt. at 9:30 which I was taking her to so I called the dr. and sure enough she was there and they told me a lady named Nancy brought her in. Off I go to the dr. no shower, hair barely presentably and no make up on.Mom has a sore on her toe which I don't know if it is from her falling Friday or not but I had the dr. look at it. He said it is infected and the antibiotic he prescribed will cover a UTI if she has one. He told me not to consider her having a fever unless it is 100.4. He told me monitor her taking the medicine because she had brought some medication to him a while back that was expired. I have the antibiotic with me and will go over twice a day to give it to her. I made her some beef stew and chicken with pasta on Sunday and froze it in freezer zip locks. I wrote Sundays date and what is each bag so all she has to do is thaw it out and warm in the microwave. After we left the dr. I took mom with me to Galt to bring my sister down to Manteca so she can take our mom's car home with her. I didn't want to leave my mom at home in case she decided to take off again. My sister tries so hard to help mom, but she tends to like mom in the sense that what she wants mom to do is right...they got in a big argument at mom's house over mom taking medication. Mom started yelling at Kathy, slamming cupboards shut and she stormed out of the kitchen. I told my sister, YOU need to back off!!! If she doesn't want to take the cholesterol medication she doesn't have to. The dr. told me it was no big deal at this point if she doesn't take it. I feel bad for my sister because she tries to be logical using common sense, but mom isn't going to respond to that. I was teasing my mom today, telling her she was like a wayward teenager walking all over the city and I am having trouble keeping up with you....she giggled!! I have my days cut out for me now. I exchanged phone #'s with the lady my mom worked with so if something comes up where my mom calls her for help, she will let me know. Yes, mom is needing more care now and hopefully we can get something worked out so she will wait for me to take her where she needs to go and possibly get her to agree to long term care. Joan, I also have lost friends because of them moving. People are much more mobile today and staying put for 5 years is the average today. I really have no friends (no people I would consider a true friend but more of an acquaintance). Since I am an introvert, I have found I am happier now that I accept myself than when I was trying to be super social. I enjoy people but I need a lot of down time too. You sound to me like an extrovert and many people have told me that because of a divorce or the loss of a loved one, they have lost friends. It is sad that people do that because we all need each other!! (((((((Hugs))))))) for you and for U5!!!
thanks for your comments about me and my daughter. She does tend to be very self centered.She came down when Gordie was in hospital but did not stay for the funeral.That upset one of her brothers very much. I have rarely seen him mad. My thanksgiving,, as other holidays, is spent alone. I used to get invitations from my daughter to join them but that has dropped off. My son and dil here had their own plans. They have been very good at taking us out for a meal once in a while, and we reciprocate.. My food allergies (wheat and dairy) can make joining others at meals a problem -church pot lucks etc.My daughter used to avoid both of those, and made very good substitutions. I have good memories of those times..This is a strange city for friends. The average stay for a family was 5 years. It seemed like you just made a friend, then they moved. I finally stopped trying. Work friends on the whole are just that, though I do keep up with a few.. It is a city of young people - very few my age, and the ones I have met I don't have much in common with. Divorce many years ago, and then losing Gordie, both took a toll on aquaintances. They say after losing a child, your address book changes, and it is true. Gary is away every weekend with work, or the horses, and, for the most part, I don't mind. We are working on finding time for "us" in his busy schedule. I made myself a turkey dinner with a turkey breast etc, got dressed up, and had a nice meal anyway. I will cook a turkey for him later in the week. Gordie loved a turkey dinner, so I do it for him too, if that makes any sense. I will put flowers on his bench for his birthday. You don't stop wanting to do things for them.
Mother has been emailing, and I haven't answered. She just wants social contact at this point, but I am sure the demands will follow.They always do.
And so life goes on.
margeaux - How is your mum? You mentioned she may be declining a bit, if I remember right.
austin - where are you????? haven't seem you post for a while. I miss you!
regan - I wish you could get some help looking after your sis particularly. It sounds almost like she needs to be in a facility. What a dreadful shame that she is doing this to herself. It must be very hard to watch.
book -you are one tough lady! I saw somewhere that your sis in moving in with you. I hope that she will be helpful and give you some breaks. You sure don't need another person to look after. Sorry your dad is so difficult
cmag -hope your wife's leg is healing and you have sorted out the phone problem
burned -hang in there - you have a big load. It would be great if you could move to a larger place and start a "new" life.
don't mean to leave anyone out - you all are precious
hope the week ahead does not bring too many new challenges
Love, hugs and prayers for all Joan
Emotional distancing is an such important tool when dealing with difficult family members. It is not easy to accomplsh, but really becessary for our survival sometimes. I am having to do this with my daughter now. She has been in depression, as far as i can see, or has something like mother has, and switched from being friendly and supportive in the summer to being sullen and non communicative since then. I am concerned from my grandchildren, and don't feel welcome to drop by any more, but I think i will anyway - just need to be sure that the children are home, and maybe better when her husband is too. He doesn't seem to notice these things. I asked her what the problem was, and she said I was negative all the time. I really don't think I am, and I have made efforts especially not to be when I talk with her, but when she asks how I am and I answer - not great - which is true some days, I guess I am being negative. I would rather she didn't ask. I called her to tell her when mother was in hospital, and apparently that is being negative. She is the only grandchild of mothers who has any regular contact with her, so in the past I have let her know when mother is in hospital. She has no girlfriends - one that she had for 10 years she got upset with in the spring, and that was the end of that. The friend said something she didn't like. She started making another friend in the summer, and then dropped her and said she was too negative. She is well educated but cannot hold down a job. She leaves jobs, because she can't cope with the people. Prayers would be appreciated. I think she needs to go on antidepressants, but she won't. She was on them before and did so much better, but won't take them now. Like mother - any problem is someone else's fault. Friday, we took a couple of box spring and mattress sets that were is the house, and not needed over for the grandchildren, and got not a hello, a thank you or a good bye. I told her we would have appreciated a thank you. It was after that, when I asked her what the problem was, she said I was too negative.
Well, my son and daughter-in-law can't get a loan anywhere for a car. This time it seems no one is available to help them out so I am hoping they learn to get their finances in order now. Time will tell.
Lily~I am sorry you have such a disconnected family. I don't know why families disconnect like that. I have a brother who won't have anything to do with us. We were abused as children and I know this is why, but my brother also is holding grudges against saying we didn't keep in touch with him when he moved out of state. We all did try to stay in touch but we never heard from him. His wife sent us updates on their life but never heard anything from my brother. None of us really knew his wife and I guess it was wrong of us, but we wanted to hear from him not her. My mother is also not one to let you hug her. When my father had Alzheimer's I would try to hug my mother when she was stressed or hurting and she would push me away. I don't try to hug her anymore except when she is sick, that is the only time she will accept it.
Margeaux – Sorry about your mom’s short term memory going. What makes it worse is the niece adding to the problem instead of helping relieve it.
Prodigalson – It’s hard when the parent refuses outside help. The same applies with my father. He doesn’t want the caregiver I have to come in on Saturdays. I told her in the beginning that I am the one hiring her – not my father. He keeps telling me to tell her to stop coming. She still comes because who is there to watch the parents? I did warn her about my father’s “quirks.”
Emjo – I don’t know what to say about what you’re going thru with Gordie. Just know that since you’ve mentioned it, I have been thinking of you.
Hi Reganee –not knowing what’s going on with your sister, but can she qualify for some kind of program that she can go to? And this way, it will relieve you and your mother temporarily from her influence? Please continue to drop by and vent if you need to.
My mother is 90 and looks like my sister's younger sister. My sibs were caring but they are sick of the mess our sister has made of herself. I live in fear that my sister will die and send my mother downhill, so I try to make the best of everything. But it is wearing me out and I do deeply resent being responsible for someone so selfish and manipulating.
Emjo-jone, Holidays can be hard when u have loss someone dear n close n especially your own child. I too could not even put my place in your shoes of all the emotions that has to be running through your mind. I hope you r able to find this holiday as peaceful as possible n like Sharynmarie mention that, "Thanksgiving is a great time to honor your son." Your son is in a much better place n he would only want you to enjoy life n the holidays.
Margeaux, you have such a big heart.
Lilyvalley, elderly care does take a toil on us. I wander sometimes if its the family members that have no clue of caregiving if they struggle to ask questions or struggle to whether to hear the answers? I guess that is why we r the caregivers for we understand n have learned from past caregiving experience. Take a bow n don't let the relatives bother you for they have no clue.
sharyn - glad your mum is better - hope it is nothing more than the vertigo she has had before
burned -glad you are cutting back -that can only be good for you and everyone - hope you can keep it up
book - look after yourself -dizziness is no good
lillyvalley -sounds pretty tough - what you describe of your mum - "arrogant, self serving, opinionated as they are. But my mother is also selfish and hateful" I can identify. Makes life difficult
the prodigalson - tough situation, were you the faimly scapegoat? Seems they often turn out to be the caregive too. Congratulations on 7 years sober.I think they often don't remember outbursts, but we are left to deal with the hurts.
cmag -have you solved the phone problem?
Hope everyone is having a good weekend
Then when I arrived there, mom was having a very sleepy day. She was sleeping on the couch, and when I noticed her waking up, I immediately went over to hug and kiss her. She responded, and went back to sleep. So I've accepted this as normal, nowadays. I did stay for about 5 hrs., finally she woke up when I was getting ready to leave. But oh well, at least she saw me.
On that visit though, it was a very hot day. Mom was curled up under a blanket, and when I did say hello to her, I noticed she had cold body language. I went over to check the thermostat, and it was at 76. I turned it down to 70. I did tell the caregiver, that the thermostat needs to be at 70, as it is hot, but no elder, nor baby (niece's baby) being cared for by the caregiver, and my other niece (baby's aunt) should be exposed to those unnatural temperatures.
But I'm not really sure who is the person who cranks up the AC, since the caregiver and my niece are there. My niece (she's the problem one) I've written about who lives there was downstairs the whole time, as upstairs doesn't have AC. She tended to the baby. But while he was sleeping, she was stretched out on the couch lying down like a princess watching tv. I did ask her whether she'd resumed her college courses, to which she replied, "No." My sister, and she said that day that niece is helping her sister by baby sitting my sister's first grandchild.
Well, maybe this is none of my business, but given this niece's behavior in the past of being a lazy moocher, and seems to use her pursuit of college edu., just to keep my sister on the financial chain towards her. She's 22 yrs. old.
So I stayed out of the living room the whole time, in the kitchen reading and looking over some papers. Anyway, this is one of the unpleasant aspects of going over there to visit mother. But I'm glad that I went. Margeaux
and when we all try to give her a hug, she turns into a "Iceberg". Dysfunctional, I don't know? Elderly care takes a toil on everyone, each family member experiences their own personal pains, struggles and wanting answers to questions that are too hard to ask!
How great that you could have some fun with your daughter!
So was it good shopping out in Idaho?
When mom started to fall, is when we actually found out she'd been taking meds for ALZ, since mom and the narcissistic sister of hers were trying to keep it under wraps. I know my aunt, & even mother were really trying to control their independence via this behavior. When a more serious fall occurred with mom, she was admitted to the hospital. After a check-up, they found she needed a heart pacer, since her heart apparently was not functioning properly. This could have been why she was loosing her balance, and falling, since it happened more than once. After this stay in the hospital, it was determined that the POA, who was my irresponsible brother at the time, by law had to take charge of them. They could no longer live alone.
Well, it could be that your mom's ALZ is progressing, and be that turning point you'd written about in previous posts. But dizziness could also be a contributing factor to a fall.
Anyway, I'm so happy for you that you and your husband had the vacation with your daughter and son-in-law. You more than deserve it!
Much Love, Margeaux
It's difficult whenever holidays and birthdays come up and we have a loved one who is no longer with us. I remember when it was the first years after having lost dad, this would happen. It still is hard, when St. Patrick's Day comes, which is his birthday. You know what helps me, is I burn some sage. I don't know whether you like sage, but it seems to evaporate some of those sad feelings for me, clear the air. You can even do this with your favorite cent, doesn't have to be sage, any
incense or candle of your choice, and cherish Gordie's memory.
Your in my thoughts Emjo, and I send you big hugs, know that you are not alone,
we are all with you! Plenty of Love & Light! Margeaux
Joan~I know about the past hurts from family dynamics makes it difficult to move forward or to put things in the past especially when you have new hurts piling on top. I hope you can reach some decisions soon for your peace of mind. I have not experienced the loss of a child as you have with Gordie, but I do know that it has to be very painful. I just can't imagine the loss and I wish I had something more to offer you to help you with that pain. Do know that I am thinking about you and wish you the most positive, heartfelt thoughts that I can. Thanksgiving is a great time to honor your son and I wish you and your loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving!!
We arrived in the Boise area around 9am Monday morning. My daughter and I hit the stores by 10:30am and shopped until around 3:30pm. I can't sleep in the car so I had been awake since 8am Sunday. I did catch a couple hours after my daughter and I came home in the afternoon. Everything I bought I can justify except for the pair of Toms, Lol!! My daughter cooked dinner every night except tonight...she and her husband are having dinner with SIL's father who flew in from North Dakota for dental work. The more I come here, the more I want to live here. We leave tomorrow morning for home :(. Every time I spend time with my kids and we have to part, it is like the first time all over again. Mike and I went into Boise and walked along the greenbelt river trails that follow the Boise River. We got some pics of Autumn foliage and had a quite day together. Over all we had great quality time or should I say...Girls,
They want,
Wanna have fun.
Girls,
Wanna have.
They just wanna,
They just wanna.....
They just wanna,
(Oh....)
They just wanna.....
(Girls just wanna have fun...)
Oh...
Girls just wanna have fu-un... enough said. Catch up with everyone this next week!!!
notlikemom- I know about the cooking issue. mom cooked the best food and didnt make a mess. she was quick and I admired that. Now that I am here, she has annoyed me to no end. many of you all may have read some of my stuff. I can relate to the manipulation etc. I do not have answers as I am still swimming upstream. Any advice or suggestions completely welcome.
I think maybe it would be good to let them make large lunches and you not feel quilty about that. hugs to you both