Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Lildeb~I'm coming to take you away, haha, heehee, hoho to the happy place!!, Lol! You are always welcome for however long it takes to laugh, joke, rest, and regroup! As I said, "the more the merrier!!
Cmag~I learned just how strong my marriage was about 12 years when I lost my job of many years and my husband refinanced our house (it was already paid off at the time) to pay off bills be got behind on because of my loss of income. Part of the reason I lost the job was my fault (I was still dealing with a lot of baggage from my childhood then that was affecting me at work, bad decisions on my part) but he stood by me...it was a big wake up call for both of us.
Happy ZZZZZZZZZZ tonight for everyone!!!
Indeed what I so often see here in terms of a marriage's strength or weakness is how enmeshed, codependent or not the caregiver is with their mother or father. Sometimes when these family of origin issues are still buried, this leads to one spouse feeling taken advantage of or a spouse feeling like the person being cared for is driving a wedge between them and their spouse. Other times when these family of origin issues are out in the open to be dealt with, the couple works together like a team. I hope this is clear.
Cmagmum, you r so right about how strong n weak a marriage with all this caregiving involved.
Sharyn, can they take me away with you please too? Let's just say today was a terrible day between the mnl n I. I am really not sure if I will be able to handle this hard-headed, negative woman as she progress into later stages from mild AD. Lord, give me strength!
JessieBelle, You are so sweet with your kind words even when someone is have a hard time. You know how to say the right things. I do agree with you about Emjo to re-visit n she may find some peace in order to heal.
Emjo, maybe after you also see the counselor that you will be able to heal n get some rest. I hope getting out with good ole Mother Nature n with the horses that it will be very therapeutical for you as well for a mind n peaceful rest.
I'm very tired so going to try get some sleep myself n start tomorrow a whole new positive n bright new day. zzzzz
austin - Bear hugs from a person - of course. :)
Mother is on the rampage criticizing me and the health care system, saying that Fort Mc gets all the best doctors - (what IS she talking about - not true at all) , that if the hospital told me there was nothing wrong with her, and I believe them then I better stay out of her life. I am about ready to take her up on that - maybe this is the time for her to find someone else for POA. She has had enough of false accusations, (what???), that it was the nurses in the ALF that sent her to hospital, she didn't send herself, yada yada yada. All that says to me is that she is feeling better since she has the energy to get so mad about nothing. Well, not nothing, but that I haven't jumped and asked how high on the way up, I haven't offered to play servant, and I haven't given her a lot of attention. I have made no accusations. When she is not feeling well, she is quieter. She also said something about not being able to phone her doctor - doesn't make sense.I am fighting a sore throat right now, and lack of sleep (I have insomnia), and need to look after me. I will call her doctor for her, once any test results are in. Not that she can't do it, but I would like to know the results, and she doesn't understand then as well as she did.. Test results aren't available overnight. She expects instant everything, Oh well - life as usual. She has been pretty quiet for a while, for which I am thankful.
I will count to 20, discuss it with Gary, and sent her a brief, but accurate email. Wish me luck. This is the most paranoid she has been with me for a long time.
I just wanted to say that I've been reading all of your posts about humor.
I think it's necessary for all of us to laugh, in the most trying of circumstances of which I know many of us face here. Humor is something that really gets us through the difficult times, and really it takes our minds to another level, and hopefully past emotions such as anger, fear, resentment. It is a coping skill.
It's one thing to feel empathy and all of that for someone who can no longer do the things one is accustomed to in their daily lives. But let us not get accustomed to lack of humor and laughter in our lives! Much Laughter & Humor to all,
even if others don't think it's funny! Much Love, Margeaux
How are you doing? I had posted something for you yesterday, and I didn't find it.
Anyway, I was reading what you posted re: feelings about grief. I think grief is very particular for each and every one of us. I cannot imagine the grief a mother must feel, but I am aware this is a very difficult position for a parent to be in, no matter how many years may have passed. Believe me I do know that feeling of having many people around at the very initial period when one has first lost their loved one.
I remember going through this, when I lost my dad. Everyone was there at the funeral, and I had a good girlfriend call me a few weeks after. But then say a few mos. later when I could have used that same attention by some people, they'd all disappeared. This good girlfriend in particular had become too busy with a new boyfriend. It's too bad then, some of us here have strange relationships within our own families, so we can't count on them either.
So maybe given the fact if this is re-triggering some feelings for you, I'm sure you'll go with your gut instinct, as to attend the funeral. But this is where it's going to be much more important for both of you, down the road. Now the two of you have experienced something very difficult. These are the times she's going to need someone to talk to. Who knows, it will probably be really healing just as well for you.
I say that there is no time limit for grief. O.K., Emjo, you're in my thoughts!
Big, can I say Bear Hugs?? Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
austin - I do something similar with telephone advertisers. I listen a little then ask them to repeat themselves as I didn't hear - I do that a couple of times -then say "Oh I am not interested in THAT! Please take me off your list", and I hang up.
jane - how did it go and how are you feeling?
kimbee - hope things aren't too crazy at your house - let us know when you have a minute
margeaux, cmag, book, everyone - keep in touch
Austin~I love your response with the hearing problem, great solution! It's funny what we can come up with to save of sanity.
Jane~I hope you are feeling better today.
I am off wednesday-saturday so I will have plenty of time to finish up things before we leave for Idaho on Oct. 1. We are getting excited, my hubby wanted to bring our bikes but I told him, we haven't ridden them in so long and I don't want to go for a bike ride in Idaho then spend the rest of the time being so saddle sore I can't sit for a few days, Lol!! BTW Joan~love the sticking out the tongue, haha, I will have to remember that one!! Hugs to everyone!!!!
Re the bears, they live in the ravine across the road from the house, and we see them regularly. This time of year they look for food in preparation for the winter hibernation. I would think it was a small bear judging from the scat size.
You are right about seeing that the sky does not fall in when you start setting limits, and it does get easier. I like your hearing problem! :)
know the feeling - my mum has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic.
Just breathe deep, set with your boundaries, and stick to them, and know it is not your problem - it is his problem. You probably know how he will react, so prepare yourself for that, and even rehearse your responses out loud if you intend to give any, and if you think that would be helpful. You don't have explain or justify yourself. Sometimes a simple response reflecting the other person's feelings can help e.g. I can see you are... angry, disappointed, frustrated or whatever. Don't get drawn into an argument. Practice some relaxation techniques, know that this too shall pass, and that he is the one with the problem, and if needed, you can simply leave, and go out into the sunshine. Your sense of humor will come back if you give it a little encouragement. Go home after, and listen to some music, watch a good movie, read a good book, go for a drive in a scenic area, cuddle your pet if you have one, call your friend, - do something you like, and pat yourself on the back for how far you have come. I am rooting for you and sending prayers. Come back and let us know how you did and how you are feeling ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and courage - Joan
Kimbee - welcome to the padded cell anytime. You really are having a time of it. You did well to call the other girl scout leader, and to get mum to bed and stroke her hair. What an ordeal!!! No, you can't live like that. It is impossible. I am so sorry there was yet another theft from your husband's business.What are your future plans for mum? I am concerned that one or both of you will get injured from her falling.
austin - I don't think they will ever stop. My mother says all she wants is for my sis and I to have a good relationship, then sets up games between us, which my sis joins into - I back off. I have been in, and out, and back into her will, and decided that I wouldn't concern myself about any inheritance - makes life much easier. It is only money, and peace of mind is more important. They will pick on anyone!
Got a call that mother is in hospital again - abdominal pain. Last time they didn't find much wrong, and sent her home with excessive laxatives which did cause harm - they weakened her. I have to make sure they don't do that again, I don't know what she will tell them. She tends to decide what she wants, and goes in and tells them the appropriate story in order to get it.
Sun shining here, and many golden leaves on the trees. Maybe time to take the camera out again. We had bear scat on the front lawn the other day. I was up in the middle of that night, and Toonie was growling and hissing ferociously at something outside. His new name is the (would-be) Bear Slayer. Had he been out he would have tackled it. Makes me a little nervous about walking in the woods. This is the time of year you most often see bears. Everyone, hope you are having a good weekend - (((((((((hugs))))))) Joan
But, I think because we, as caregivers, have to put up a lot of yucky stuff, and our parent's terrible disposition towards US but not to other family members/outsiders - in order for us to survive this abuse - we have a strange way of viewing it. I have found so many things funny here. When I try to tell it to sis, she doesn’t think it’s funny nor that it is a laughing matter. You see, they live Normally. We, as caregivers, need to find humor in our life or else we go crazy or get a nervous breakdown. So, I just shrug it off and still laugh …though it’s "not a laughing matter"… ;)
Margeaux~Yes, having the information and being informed helps to be prepared. I can't wait to see my daughter and go shopping with her. I miss that since she moved there. I will have both my babies home for Thanksgiving too!! It will be great for my mother to see both my son and my daughter together. I am thinking about you too and you are doing great standing your ground with your sis! Love and Hugs!!
The attorney you spoke with, sounds like she knows her stuff.
At least you have the information about much costs would come to, and she really sounds like she's not pressuring you. Better to be informed, before any of these circumstances come to a head.
We too, the four siblings recently met with an attorney, also a woman.
She also knows her stuff, from what I observed.
But anyway, these are things anybody in your shoes is way better off knowing.
Given what you've shared about your sister's health, you have to prepare yourself.
Of course this doesn't mean you must go ahead and seek a conservatorship as your only means of action, ether. I certainly never grow tired of hearing whatever people say on this thread. This is really the way we come to know one another too.
Anyway, take it slowly, and I'm thinking about you!
Have a great time on your trip to Idaho! Much Love, Margeaux